Yet Even More Fragments
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Started on a fourth one to keep the chapter numbers down. Random ideas that aren't ready for prime time!
1. Chapter 1

**Fuku is a Four Letter Word**

**Opening Scene:**

Genma brought the stop sign down on Ranma's head hard enough to snap the pole in half. As Ranma crumpled to the ground Genma worried for a moment that he'd hit him too hard, but shrugged it off as unlikely, the boy had inherited the Saotome skull after all.

Meanwhile in Ranma's head the blow shook loose something that normally wouldn't have surfaced without years of hypnosis and meditation or the use of some fungi that even Timothy Leary wouldn't touch.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"So pick one of my daughter's and she'll be your bride," Soun offered.

"Not a chance in hell," Ranma said pleasantly, before the girls could start turning on each other.

"What?!" came the near universal screech.

"I found out about this little arrangement less than an hour ago. If this was truly an honorable arrangement I would have been notified years ago and introduced to the girls following the proper forms. Instead I was knocked unconscious and drug here against my will mere minutes after being told of it. No, this is improper and possibly part of some scam."

The fathers were actually stunned into silence, Soun by the accusation and Genma by the way Ranma was speaking.

Pity the girls weren't.

"Well who wants to marry you, you peeping tom!" Akane snarled.

Ranma ignored her and sipped his tea. "Thank you for your hospitality, but I really must go. I need to cure this curse and I doubt I can do that sitting here."

"You'll do no such thing!" Genma yelled. "Before you were born we pledged to unite the schools!"

"And it wasn't important enough to mention until today?"

"You didn't need to know until today," Genma shot back.

"I… I suppose you are stupid enough to pull something like that," Ranma admitted. "Assuming the world would just go along with one of your moronic ideas is just like you."

"It is a matter of family honor," Genma swore trying to look noble.

"Alright, I'll stick around to see if there is any truth to the claim," Ranma agreed grudgingly. "But if I find this is some scam you're trying to push me into the panda curse will be the least of your worries."

"I'm glad that's settled, now which one do you choose?" Soun asked eagerly.

The girls argued and pushed the engagement off on Akane insulting Ranma repeatedly while doing so. The father's instantly chimed in that they were the perfect couple.

"So you admit it's all a scam then?" Ranma asked.

"What?!"

"You offer me the choice and then show that you were lying I have no choice at all and once more attempt to rush things through," Ranma said coldly.

"B-but," Soun stuttered.

"The proper thing to do is allow us several months to get to know each other, not dump one of your daughters on me like an unwanted puppy."

"We didn't mean it like that," Genma protested.

"I can't legally marry for two years," Ranma said flatly. "So while requiring me to choose after having known the girls a couple of months before I can marry is reasonable, anything less and I'll know you're up to something."

"I suppose that's not unreasonable," Soun admitted.

"Just as long as you aren't trying to duck out of your responsibilities," Genma said unnerved by the changes in Ranma.

"As long as everything was straight and above board, I always have," Ranma admitted.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma found himself walking through a shattered palace. The air was cold and thin and each step threw up a cloud of dust that seemed to hang forever in the air before settling back down.

"What are you doing here?" a woman in a silvery dress asked.

"Not sure," Ranma shrugged and turned away to find his attention captured by his reflection in a broken mirror lying in the dust. Wiping away the dust he was surprised to see a girl with red and black streaked hair looking back at him, the earth high in the sky behind her.

***SPLASH***

Ranma came out of the pond sputtering, just in time to block Genma's flying kick.

"Come on boy, can't let city living make you soft," Genma called out.

"True enough," Ranma agreed, much to Genma's surprise.

"My they're energetic," Kasumi said.

Nabiki looked blurrily out into the back yard as she sipped her coffee. "Yay."

Akane stomped down the stairs, jealous of the skills she'd seen displayed by the two. "I can't believe how rude they are. Don't they know people are trying to sleep?"

"You were out jogging, Kasumi was making breakfast, and I was in the bath," Nabiki said, knowing why her sister was complaining and enjoying needling her. "So who are they bothering?"

"Daddy-" Akane began.

"Yes, dear?" Soun interrupted, drawing attention to the fact that he was quietly reading the paper.

"Never mind," Akane grumbled, denied anyone she could use as an example of how rude the two guests were being.

"That was a good spar, Pops," Ranma offered, as she took off her top and wrung it out.

"Don't you have any feminine modesty?!" Akane demanded.

"No, my father never thought his son needed to learn any," Ranma retorted making Nabiki choke on her coffee from laughing.

"Oh my," Kasumi said after seeing her father had frozen up on seeing Ranma's chest. "Father, father," she said disapprovingly.

"But I may need to develop some," Ranma admitted, before dashing upstairs to clean up.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**


	2. Chapter 2

**XI-R**

"OK, maybe trying to use the Nanban mirror again wasn't a good idea," Ranma admitted as he climbed out of the smoldering crater in the Tendos' back yard.

"No, really?" Nabiki asked dryly as she sipped her coffee.

"It should have worked," Genma complained as he climbed out of the hole carrying their backpacks.

"Should've, could've, didn't," Nabiki replied, amused.

A groan from the crater drew everyone's attention.

"Pops, it was only you and me traveling, right?"

"Yeah, and?" Genma asked.

"So who's the guy in the crater?" Ranma asked, pulling out an obvious foreigner dressed just like Ranma, but in somewhat worse condition.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander awoke with a groan, feeling like he'd been stepped on by Godzilla.

"Shhh, it's okay," Kasumi told him, stroking his head. "You're safe. Rest for now."

The stranger mumbled something and quieted down.

Satisfied that he was ok, Kasumi finished checking on him and left the room quietly, shutting the door behind her.

"So, what's the verdict? He say anything?" Nabiki asked curiously.

"No, and you're not to interfere in his rest," Kasumi said firmly.

Nabiki quickly backed down, knowing that Kasumi was serious. "That's why I'm out here asking, and not in there," she defended herself.

"Ah, just a bit of groaning. He won't be up for any sort of communicating until tomorrow at the earliest," Kasumi said.

"I'll let everyone know so they don't try to see for themselves," Nabiki promised.

"Thank you, Nabiki. I'll get tea and cookies for everyone."

"No problem, sis," Nabiki said and was utterly unsurprised to find the living room a chaotic mess of arguing.

"I don't know the guy!" Ranma exclaimed.

"He dresses like you and even looks a little like you," Ukyo pointed out.

"Mixed race for sure," Akane pointed out. "Are you positive Genma didn't stray?" Akane asked pointedly.

"Ranma have brother?" Shampoo asked curiously.

"A half-brother, maybe," Cologne added.

"I look more like Ranma than he does," Ryoga pointed out.

There was a pause as everyone compared the two.

"You have a very good point there," Nabiki said, suspiciously eying Genma who immediately splashed himself with cold tea, turning into a panda, and started playing with a beach ball.

Ryoga and Ranma paled.

"We don't know for sure," Ranma quickly said, trying to comfort Ryoga.

Ryoga snarled, "I suppose next you'll claim it's possible to live a full and normal life with Genma Saotome as your father!"

"No, I can't lie to you like that," Ranma said solemnly, before they both burst into tears, clutching each other.

*Ungrateful boys.* read the panda sign that Genma used to club the two unconscious.

"Ooh ho! So they're both your sons!" Nabiki exclaimed.

Cologne drank her tea and watched the latest episode of her favorite drama with interest. This was better than anything that aired on TV.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	3. Chapter 3

**At Your Command****  
**

"Renfield, obey!" Dracula snapped out, eyes glowing red.

Xander's eyes glazed over and he immediately stopped arguing. "Yes, master."

Buffy attacked while he was distracted and although it took several stakings, Dracula finally remained dust. She wasn't naive enough to believe this was the permanent end of the legendary vampire, but it seemed to be sufficient for tonight.

"Finally," Buffy muttered, wincing at the pain in her shoulder. "Someone give me a massage."

"Yes, master," Xander replied and immediately began working on Buffy's shoulders.

"Wha- ohh," Buffy melted. "Oh yeah, that's just perfect." It seemed to take no time at all before Buffy was lying on the ground receiving a full body massage. In fact, it was over an hour before Buffy noticed Xander's uncharacteristic silence. "Xander?"

"Yes, master?"

"What's with the master comment?" Buffy asked.

"The hypnotic trance created by Dracula's mind control powers has three basic commands: 1-Obey, 2-Be Respectful, 3-Enter trance on hearing the trigger command 'Renfield, obey'," Xander explained calmly, not stopping the massage.

"Are you angry with me?" Buffy asked in a small voice, as she realized she'd been unknowingly taking advantage of a friend.

"No master, I'm not in the least upset," Xander responded as he massaged her back.

"How can you not be upset?" Buffy asked in shock.

"I have no reason to be, master," Xander replied.

"B-But, I just made you massage me for like an hour with no choice but to obey! Why aren't you mad at me?"

"I get to straddle you while you're mostly naked and use my hands to make you make noises like you're having an orgasm, master," Xander replied. "This is the kind of situation the phrase, 'if this is torture, chain me to the wall' was coined for."

Buffy suddenly realized she was only wearing her t-back panties and sports bra when Xander started in on her left inner thigh and she moaned loudly, "Oh, dear god, this is better than sex!" It was roughly ten minutes before Buffy could speak again, "Ok, the difference between this and sex is academic now, I need new panties. Please tell me there is a way I can make this not awkward later."

"There is a way you can make this not awkward later," Xander said dutifully as he massaged her calves.

"You're just saying that because I ordered you to," Buffy realized. "I need to be more careful until the trance wears off. When does the trance wear off?"

"The trance doesn't wear off, master. The trance ends when you order it to end," Xander replied.

"Oh," Buffy said, surprised. "I don't suppose you know a way to make this not awkward later?"

"Yes master," Xander agreed, "Simply order me to forget when the trance ends."

"That won't upset you or make you mad?" Buffy asked.

"No, master," Xander replied, rubbing her feet.

"Ok," Buffy said with a relaxed smile. "I order you to forget everything that happened in the trance when it ends."

"Yes, master," Xander replied.

Buffy sighed as she extracted her feet from his grasp and stood up. "I better end this before I say the wrong thing and accidentally make you my slave."

Xander watched her get dressed with a smile on his face.

"Stupid Riley, stupid council, stupid ghost, stupid hormones," she muttered once she was dressed. "Well… one last command," she decided. "Would a kiss be okay?" she asked. "I mean, would it be something you would find objectionable?"

"No master, I would very much like to kiss you," Xander replied.

Buffy stood up. "Kiss me," she ordered. She stayed in his arms for a few minutes after the kiss had ended. "If I didn't love you so much, I would order you to do so many things right now, but I do so…" Buffy stepped back. "End trance," she ordered.

Xander blinked a few times. "I feel rested but my balls hurt." He winced. "Why do I feel like I have blue balls?"

"You got tagged in the… during the fight, sorry," Buffy lied. "But if it makes you feel any better, I staked him a bunch of times."

"It does thanks, but I… I need to use the restroom now," he admitted.

"Go ahead, I'll wait down here and… raid the Count's books, the library needs more books."

"Thanks," Xander said before rushing off.

"For once things worked out without complications," Buffy sighed, ignoring the sound of thunder outside.

**Typing by: Moderation**

**A/N: It was a good start but it would devolve into porn within a chapter or two, because Buffy couldn't resist his massages and Dawn would eventually overhear.**


	4. Chapter 4

**XA on Tour 4**

**Part 1 Fragments chapter 64**

**Part 2 Fragments chapter 69 **

**Part 3 More Fragments chapter 58**

SG-1 watched as the bugs and cameras Jack and John had planted, played on the computer in front of them.

"Why are we spying on them?" Daniel asked.

"Because I did some digging and John wasn't completely wrong about them," Jack replied.

"I wasn't?" John asked.

"No, and I trust your instincts because they're mine," Jack said. "The two are on several watch lists as persons of interest."

"What lists?" Sam asked.

"Classified," Jack said, "But two I can share are the NID and MI-6."

"They're British spies?" Daniel asked.

"No, or at least not that I'm aware of," Jack admitted. "There are quite a few groups who seem concerned with watching them, but not interfering. It makes no sense."

"They may be waiting for them to lead them to something or someone," Teal'c guessed.

"That's possible," Jack admitted. "I'm hoping we'll learn more by spying on them."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Grab your bags and pick your cabins," Xander said, "two campers to a cabin, so we aren't forced to clean a half dozen cabins. So pick your buddy and cabin."

"I pick... Molly and cabin one," Bender said with a smirk, causing the rest of the campers to laugh.

"Try again," Anya said.

"Fine, I'll take Jock," Bender said. "Same cabin."

"We already have cabin one," Xander replied.

"I"ll take Bender and cabin two," Molly said.

Anya wrote it down on the clipboard. "Ok, you two have cabin two. What about the rest of you?" Jaws dropped as they realized she was serious.

"I'll take the jock and cabin three," Annie decided.

"I have a name," Chuck said, amused, "but I have no problem with that."

"Looks like we got cabin four," Jeremy told the goth girl.

"You really aren't my type," Shelia told him.

"Well, unless you are hiding a penis, you aren't mine either," he replied.

"I thought Thanksgiving dinner was the traditional time to come out of the closet," Anya told Xander.

"I think that's just in movies," Xander told her. "Larry came out in the boys' locker room, because he misinterpreted something I said when I was investigating Oz."

"Didn't he die during graduation?"

"The Mayor killed him," Xander confirmed.

"How strict is your town?!" Jeremy exploded.

"He didn't kill him because he was gay," Xander said. "During graduation, the Mayor tried to slaughter the entire graduating class. Larry sacrificed himself to delay the Mayor. Anyway, long story short: Mayor's dead, we graduated."

"Avoid the Mayor," Bender told Jeremy. "Just in case."

"Everyone grab your bags and put your things away," Anya ordered. "We'll get started on lunch and meet you in the mess hall."

**An hour later...**

"Why is there a stage?" Annie asked curiously, as Xander passed out mini-pizzas and sodas.

Xander had no illusions about his or Anya's cooking skills, so he'd stocked up on microwaveable foods and soft drinks.

"Probably for plays, announcements, that sort of thing," Jeremy offered. "This place was designed to keep a group of teens busy, so they had to provide a wide variety of activities."

"And the pole?" she asked.

"I'm going to teach the guys stripping," Xander replied.

"I thought that was a joke," Jock said.

"No, I really am going to teach you," Xander assured him. "It's a quick and legal way to make money if you don't have a lot of time to come up with some cash."

"Plus, it's good exercise and can help nail down a girlfriend," Anya added.

"Do we have to take it?" Shelia asked. "I'm not comfortable with baring myself to a bunch of people."

"I can only train the guys," Xander said, "Women strip differently than men do; they have a different audience."

"While the guys strip, I will be teaching you how to tend a bar. Another job that pays well and doesn't require any heavy lifting," Anya explained.

"We get to drink and watch the guys strip?" Molly asked with a wide smile.

"I don't know if I can do that," Bender admitted. "I'm not exactly shy, but that's a bit beyond that."

"That's what the drinks are for," Anya told him. "A couple of drinks and some female encouragement and you'll have no problem taking your pants off."

"This may be the single greatest summer camp in existence," Bender decided.

"And while we eat I will tell you the secrets of cooking with a microwave, and some non-culinary uses I've discovered for it," Xander said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Is this even legal?" Sam asked only to find Daniel writing down some of Xander's tips on microwave usage.

"Technically, the land the camp is on is Native American territory, so the drinking age is set to sixteen. The tribe died out some thirty-odd years ago, so all the laws are stuck in the fourties," Jack explained.

"Shouldn't it have reverted to the US then?" Sam asked.

"The tribe set up some agreement where as long as the camp is left open, the local town gets to use the land and claim tax exempt status. Not sure how legal it is, but it's never been challenged in court for some reason," John added.

"Why did the tribe do that?" Sam asked.

"Actually, I happen to know the answer to that," Daniel said with some enthusiasm. "I did some research and found a twenty five page dissertation-"

"Daniel!" Jack interrupted.

"Yes?"

"I doubt we need twenty five pages. Just give us a paragraph," Jack ordered.

Daniel sighed. "The local tribe believed the spirits of the dead did not rest easy here for some reason. So certain rituals were needed to calm the spirit of vengeance that dwelled here."

John burst out laughing, causing everyone to stare at him. Once he'd recovered, he said with a grin, "You will create the sacred macaroni picture of a duck, you will carve a horse out of soap, and you will sing the sacred hymn: 'The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round'."

Even Teal'c found himself smiling briefly in amusement, having become familiar with Summer Camp traditions from Jack showing him a number of movies.

"Actually, that may be closer to the truth than you know," Daniel said. "The actual ritual, from what I managed to uncover, was having the youth of the tribe cleanse themselves in the water, bare of all rainment, commune with the spirits through drink or smoke, and ... celebrate life."

"Skinny dip, get drunk or high, and have sex?" Jack asked in shock.

"All legends and traditions have to start somewhere," Daniel said with a grin. "There were also sacred chants to drive off the evil spirits that would try to stop them, though those were passed down through the oral traditions of the tribe and died with them."

"Watch it turn out to be Kumbyyah," Jack said with a chuckle.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	5. Chapter 5

**City of Angels, City of Demons  
**

Xander sighed and followed it with a groan, as he realized how much like Angel he was acting. He'd called and left messages and even tried to visit them, but kept getting blown off or ignored. Maybe they were just that busy, but you'd think they'd have at least found a little time for him. The sound of breaking glass and arguing upstairs made up his mind for him, he wasn't hanging around here any longer.

**-X-X-X-X-X-**

Angel and Doyle broke into a run as they heard a scream coming from the alley in front of them, but before they could get there a short blonde dressed like she came from a club, ran out. An arrow took her in the lower back and she tumbled to the ground, her face transforming from a picture of scared innocence into the ridged and fanged visage of a vampire. Angel didn't hesitate to draw out his sword and behead her, leaving her ashes to coat the sidewalk.

"Dammit, I needed her alive!" a man in a knee length gray greatcoat cursed as he came out of the alley carrying a crossbow.

"Xander?" Angel asked, shocked to see the missing man here.

"Angel?" the man gasped out in the same tone to mock him. He turned to go, but Angel grabbed his shoulder. He spun around, throwing Angel's hand off him. "Don't touch me!"

"Uh, Angel?" Doyle said nervously, pointing to Xander's hands.

"I don't like you touching me, or even being within arm's reach," Xander said, holding a grenade in one hand, and ready to pull the pin with the other.

Angel held his hands up. "Calm down, I was just surprised to see you. Buffy said you vanished and they were worrying about you."

"I hate being lied to," Xander said, pulling the pin on the grenade.

Angel's hand quickly wrapped around Xander's right hand, so he couldn't release the grenade.

"And that's why I hate having a vampire within arm's reach of me," Xander said before taking a grenade out of his pocket with his left hand, flicking the pin off with his thumb, and dropping it between them.

"Shit!" Angel and Doyle cursed, throwing themselves backwards and scrambling to get out of the blast radius as Xander just stood there.

"Ahh, she dropped her purse," Xander said, "looks like I didn't need her after all."

"Duds?" Angel asked, rising to his feet just as the grenades hissed and began to release clouds of white smoke.

Xander strolled off and Angel tried to follow him but fell back hacking and coughing, his face red.

Doyle quickly backed off from the smoke, helping a coughing Angel. "Not a friend, I take it?"

"Not exactly," Angel wheezed out.

**-X-X-X-X-X-**

"What happened to you?" Cordelia asked in shock, as she saw Angel looking like he had a bad sunburn.

"Xander," Angel said, pissed and confused.

"You found him?" she asked anxiously. She'd been worried about her ex ever since the gang back in Sunnydale had reported him missing.

"If by 'found', you mean 'was tear-gassed by'," Doyle offered.

**Typed by: Moderation**


	6. Chapter 6

**On the Mountain 4**

**Part 1 : Chapter 11 YMF  
**

**Part 2 : Chapter 25 YMF  
**

**Part 3 : Chapter 66 YMF  
**

Cordelia took another slug of Jack Daniels. "I need help getting undressed."

"We'll start with your lower half since you're already halfway there," Xander said kneeling by her feet and slowly removing the laces from her shoes.

"What are you doing?" Cordelia asked.

"Removing shoes normally requires some pulling," he told her keeping his eyes on his work. "There will be a lot less pain if we unlace your shoes completely so they'll slip off."

"Thank you," she said as Xander gently removed her shoes and socks. She tried to ignore the little shiver that went through her as the kneeling man pulled off her panties. "Be a lot more fun if my leg didn't hurt and you could keep your dick out of redheads," she muttered.

"Yes it would," Xander agreed. "How does the leg feel now?"

"Much too real," Cordelia replied. "The rest of me feels much more comfortably numb. Can you keep your dick out of any redheads we meet?"

"I believe I can control myself for the moment," Xander promised helping her get her shirt off, a task made more difficult by her refusal to set down the Jack Daniels bottle.

"Good, now reach around and release the twins," she ordered, leaning forward.

Xander was almost straddling her so he could reach around and unhook her bra and slip it off.

"Ahh," Cordelia moaned in relief. Holding up her breasts with her left arm she ordered, "Scratch!"

Xander quickly scratched under her breasts and the undersides. "Better?" he asked.

"Much," she replied.

He checked the tub and adjusted the water.

"Were her breasts better than mine?" Cordelia asked, breaking the silence.

"Different not better," he replied after a moment's thought.

"Tell me," she half asked, half ordered.

"Nipples were a lot pinker and they were probably more responsive, but definitely a couple of sizes smaller," he told her, shutting off the water in the tub.

"Was her ass better than mine?" Cordelia asked.

"Not remotely," Xander assured her.

"Was she tighter, smelled better, taste better, what?" Cordelia demanded.

"No, no and a little bit sweeter because you drink diet soda, but it was never about the physical side of things, not really."

"Was she a better person than me?" Cordelia asked quietly.

"At one time, I'd have said yes, but after you started risking your life to help others that changed. You changed, so no; Willow is not a better person than you."

"And she has smaller breasts and her ass isn't half as nice!"

"Exactly," Xander agreed.

"So… why?"

"Because we were all we had for a damn long time, I have a hard time refusing her anything and…a shit ton of hormones," he said bluntly.

"Normally you'd play doctor and get it out of your system long before now," Cordelia said.

"Yeah, well…Willow never got the memo, so instead I learned how to preform emergency medical procedures as a preteen."

"Are you sorry you fucked her?" Cordelia asked bluntly.

"Sorry we got caught and that we didn't get enough practice for her teeth not to scrape," Xander replied honestly. "Do you want to try and stand with my help or should I just pick you up and set you in the tub?"

"Standing is not an option," Cordelia said seriously.

Xander picked her up bridal style and she hissed slightly as her leg was jostled setting her in the tub.

"Hot, hot, hot!" Cordelia groaned.

"Which will improve blood flow," he assured her.

"Distract me," Cordelia ordered.

"How?"

"I don't care, I just need a couple of minute's distraction while I get used to this," she groaned.

"Ok, I unplugged the soda machine outside and it still worked," Xander told her. "I also grabbed a hot plate and it also works without being plugged in."

"Did you get a soda?" she asked as she began to wash up.

"I got a grape soda," he admitted.

Cordelia grinned. "You pushed root beer didn't you?"

"Yes," he admitted after a minute.

"Well at least we can get cold soda," she said, trying not to laugh.

"With the exception of root beer, unless I wheel you out there to push the button."

"Don't you even think it!"

"I'm not," Xander said, obviously lying for comedic value.

"Did Giles ever figure out why you always get grape soda when you push root beer?" she asked.

"He said it had something to do with chaos magic and was probably a mark of favor from Janus," Xander replied.

"The Halloween spell thing?" she asked.

"Janus the god of chaos and portals," Xander agreed. "Naturally his mark of favor upon my brow is to make it harder for me to get my favorite soda."

"Praise be to Janus for granting me minor vengeance upon you for favoring a taste other than my own," Cordelia intoned mock gravely, before finishing the bottle of Jack.

"Are you comparing you and Willow to soda?" Xander asked.

"Probably," Cordelia replied handing him the empty bottle. "My leg no longer feels like it's trying to kill me and I have a slight buzz going, so I'm not really paying attention, but just so you know, I'm grape!"

"Spend much longer in the bath and you'll be a raisin," he warned.

"Then help me out, doofus!"

Xander reached into the tub and pulled the plug to let the water drain, while Cordelia rinsed off the last of the bubbles.

"You have lousy aim."

"I didn't touch anything I wasn't supposed to," he defended himself.

"I need a two by four and a black marker," Cordelia muttered.

Drying her off and carrying her back to bed was a bit awkward as they tried not to jostle her injured leg, but they managed to get it done without causing her too much pain.

"My leg feels a lot better," Cordelia told him.

"We'll see if you say that tomorrow while you're dealing with a hangover," Xander told her.

"Get me something to drink with no caffeine and a couple more Midol and I won't have a hangover," she told him. "Hangovers are caused by dehydration."

"It'll have to be water for now," Xander told her.

"That's fine," she told him. "Xander?" she called out to him when he went to get her water and Midol.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for being honest."

"No problem."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander woke up early, the nest of blankets and pillows surprisingly comfortable to sleep in, certainly more comfortable than his bed at home, which had lost most of its springs.

Digging through the stuff he'd brought in he found what he needed to wash up and shave, while he started the water heating for coco. It didn't take long at all for him to be ready to face the day, drinking a mug of coco, but Cordelia was still asleep and he didn't want to wake her or have her wake up and find him gone, so he'd need something to do indoors. A handful of tools and the spare hotplate he grabbed off the cart and he was in business. Prying it open he looked inside and just stared.

It was practically empty. All the electronics and wires were missing, even the cord that hung off it was cut short and didn't connect to anything. All that was inside was a couple of thin layers of stone with something carved in them. Xander turned the knob on the side watching as a set of symbols lined up with another set and felt it slowly heat up. He quickly turned it off and then back on a few times just to check.

As he carefully copied them down he realized what they were, they were Nordic runes and as he copied down the last one the paper combusted and he quickly stuffed it in his half full mug of coco. "Don't speak Latin in front of the books, don't write out full lines of runes, check," Xander said shaking his head. "Well at least it's not aliens…probably."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Darkest Knight and the Dawn**

**Prologue**

Janus looked at the plan he was being asked to sign off on, since the Key couldn't be moved without his permission. On the whole it seemed pretty straightforward 'Key made flesh, yada yada…' ahh, there was the touch of idiocy he expected, the 'Powers that Be' wanted to minimize his favorite's effects by shifting the credit for about half his deeds to the Key.

Janus gestured and the mist forms of Dawn Summers and Xander Harris appeared before him, well simulations of them anyway. As he studied them closely he began to snicker and then to laugh. The Powers that Be had be had outsmarted themselves. For her to do half of what Xander did, she'd have to be able to think like him, meaning that rather than minimizing Chaos' influence on events they'd doubled it.

Janus scratched his chin thoughtfully as he considered his options. Being a god of chaos meant he had a bit of a free hand in how he granted requests, to put it mildly, but how best to use this? Turning back to the pair he was surprised to discover that they'd moved. Xander was standing in front of Dawn as if to protect her and Dawn was preserving her modesty by hiding behind him. A closer looked at the motionless simulations showed them both to be blushing. Dismissing the simulations he examined the proposed timeline. Normally he didn't even bother to look at them, as they were attempts to control and predict what should be unknowable, but in this case he wanted to see what the PTBs had planned.

He nodded to himself. They made Dawn younger than the others, so her actions would be dismissed as luck and to provide a barrier to Xander and Dawn joining forces. He was also amused by the women they threw at Xander, apparently they were really concerned he might have children so they thought to nip that in the bud by throwing women at him that wouldn't have children and that might kill him.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander and Dawn looked through the paired costumes while Buffy tried another halfhearted apology.

"I'm sorry I stopped that jock from beating you up," Buffy said clearly not meaning it since the sarcasm was thick enough to cut through with a knife. Letting someone hurt a friend was just completely counter-intuitive to her.

"Do you mind Buffy? I'm trying to repress." Xander replied sourly.

"I just don't get it," Buffy admitted. "I see a friend in trouble, I have to help. I promise that I'll let you get beat up next time."

Xander paused at that. Buffy clearly had no clue what she'd done wrong and he had to admit her reasoning sounded a lot like something he would say. He supposed he could forgive her this once. "OK Buff, I…" He turned to Buffy only to find her wandering off. "Well, so much for our tearful reconciliation scene."

Despite being mesmerized by the multilayered medieval monstrosity of a dress in front of her she still heard him and replied, "Sorry but this dress…"

Dawn shook her head while Buffy and Willow cooed over it like a puppy.

"Sorry Xander, I'm afraid my sister is far too self-absorbed to care about your feelings or what you'll have to do now," Dawn said as pointing out her sisters many, many flaws to Xander was one of her favorite hobbies. "So how bad is it, really?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to fight all the jocks over again," Xander sighed.

"I wish I could come along to at least bandage your wounds afterwards," Dawn said wistfully, finding herself once more deeply impressed with Xander and jealous of her obviously blind older sister.

Xander smiled warmly at Dawn. "Don't sweat it. I've had more than enough experience fighting to take them on without worrying about getting hurt that much, it's just… I told Buffy that it wasn't her job to deal with bullies it's mine. That didn't turn out all that great, but that was because of the whole Hyena thing and we weren't near the zoo this time."

Dawn hugged Xander suddenly, knowing that incident still brought up bad memories, even if he claimed not to remember anything.

"Thanks," he said warmly as she released him. "So my choices are I either have to really hurt a couple of people or minorly hurt a lot of them. They may be jocks but I still don't like hurting them and I blame the adults for encouraging them to behave like…pack."

"You were always nice to me even when that was going on," Dawn pointed out.

"Heh, I just realized why I was chosen to be pack leader. I'm the one who is usually stuck reining everyone in and trying to make them act like human beings," Xander said. "Not sure why I was a jerk to people though, with the exception of you."

"Because I'm too awesome for words of course," Dawn joked.

Xander grinned. "Well that explains that then. Now I've been looking through this and have found nothing that tickled my fancy. How about you?"

"I have found one pair I like," Dawn replied, having chosen the pair for their close association and the female's sexy outfit that should make Xander realize that she wasn't that much younger than her sister. The fact that Xander would basically be wearing a thin black leotard and a cloak that she could sneak under a time or two claiming she was cold or it was more authentic that way was beside the point. Really!

Dawn pulled out the outfits for Cloak and Dagger and Xander did look interested for a moment, then he frowned. "There are just two problems with this," he said thoughtfully. "One, Dagger's outfit makes her look like a stripper and no hero should look like they are waiting for ones to be shoved in their waistband," Xander said firmly.

"What about Wonder Woman?" Dawn asked.

"I stand by my words," Xander replied haughtily.

"And two?" Dawn grinned trying not to laugh.

"Cloak is black, and ever since I found out about the mistral shows, I just don't feel comfortable in blackface," Xander admitted.

"I may be able to help you there," a voice said from behind them, startling them both.

Xander jumped about a foot and spun around stepping in front of Dawn, who'd pulled out a cross and was holding it in front of her.

"Err, sorry," Ethan apologized, knowing these two were the ones his god had commanded him to help, and having gotten rid of everyone else so he could concentrate on them alone. Spotting the cross he raised an eyebrow. "It's daylight."

Dawn blushed and clung to Xander's back, not that she was scared, but it was a good excuse so she was using it.

"You know about the infestation?" Xander asked curiously.

Ethan nodded. "I was a bit of a demon hunter, back in the day, but once I'd dealt with my fair share of the blighters and used up most of my magic I retired. I just sell costumes now. It's relaxing, a bit of fun and I can use what little magic I have left to make a profit by mending and coloring costumes easily," he lied.

Dawn relaxed and reluctantly let go of Xander and put her cross away. "So how can you help make these two work for us?"

Ethan grinned. "Glad you asked. A little armor and you become a medieval version of Cloak. It covers your skin so you don't have to color anything. A simple tabard with a large cross/dagger design on it and you become a medieval version of Dagger and modesty is preserved."

"That's not bad," Xander said thoughtfully.

Dawn decided to be happy Xander was going with her idea, modified it may be, rather than upset she wouldn't get to see him in tights. "Sounds like a plan to me."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Dawn looked at herself in the mirror. Dagger's outfit did look good on her, too bad Xander was right about it being way too racy for trick or treating.

***Knock Knock***

"Come in," she replied at the knock.

"Umm, are you planning on wearing that?" Joyce asked cautiously, knowing that forbidding her daughter from wearing it was the surest way to ensure she would insist on it.

"Kinda sorta," Dawn sighed.

"Kinda sorta?"

"Xander said it was far too much like a stripper's outfit, so I have to wear a tabard over it and some other Knightly odds and ends, but I'm sure I could make him notice me if I wear it like this."

Joyce smiled. "Depends on if you want a relationship with him or are looking to be used and discarded like a wad of Kleenex."

Dawn's eyes shot open and she stared at her mom.

"Let me tell you about high school," Joyce said. "It's where the students spend far more time working out how to get into the hearts and pants of each other than they ever spend on schoolwork."

"So it's like Jr. High then?" Dawn asked dryly.

Joyce winced. "Yeah, but with the hormones cranked up to ten and the drama cranked up to eleven."

"Still not seeing the difference," Dawn said with a frown.

"Honey, please leave me my delusions about Jr. High. In my day they were a lot better at oppressing the kids and scaring them into not thinking about sex."

"Ok," Dawn agreed. "Now dispense the wisdom!"

Joyce grinned. "Well getting into the pants is easy, just dress like you are right now. It says use me and forget about me I'm looking for sex and can't be bothered remembering your name, because I'm pretty much spreading my legs for anyone who asks."

Dawn winced.

"Getting into his heart involves more modest clothes in public, accidentally immodest ones in private and… is more than a bit like taming an animal now that I think about it."

"Really?" Dawn asked.

"Really," Joyce assured her. "It's all about tone of voice, gentle stroking and the use of a leash."

"Leash!?"

"Not literally, but metaphorically," she explained. "Your tone of voice and the way you say his name has a greater effect than you know, though most people don't consciously realize it. Casual touches and gentle stroking just like you'd use to calm down a skittish horse allow you to get closer to him than he'd normally allow someone he wasn't having sex with or a member of his family."

"That sounds nice, but I'd also like to have a serious relationship with the man, not become his little sister," Dawn whined.

"I'm getting there," Joyce said calmly. "Patience. The leash runs both ways, it's entirely built by the shared interests and affection of the two people involved. It is your relationship as a whole. A lot of foolish young girls like to yank on it a lot to test how strong it is, of course that weakens it and it eventually snaps. That is what's called a bad breakup."

"So where does the sex come into it?" Dawn asked.

"Sex is a very strong, but short-lived bond," Joyce explained. "So never try to build a relationship on it, but don't ignore it either. You have to make a little innuendo, some light touches at the proper place and time, etc… the key is to let him know that you are a sexual being, but you are also very picky and no one else is up to your standards."

"This sounds nothing like the relationships I've seen in school," Dawn said.

"You mean the intense, short-lived ones because the entire relationship was built on and sustained by sex?" Joyce asked innocently.

"Put like that I can see it," Dawn said thoughtfully. "So… just following my hormones is a bad idea?"

"Remember how you wanted a queen sized bed?" Joyce asked.

"yeah," Dawn agreed, not seeing what one thing had to do with another.

"I found one for a good price and we can pick it up today."

"Excellent!" Dawn said happily.

"Yeah, one of the local motels is redecorating, so we can get it for a song."

Dawn got a horrified look on her face. "Do you know how many people have used those?!"

"You've slept in motels before dear," Joyce pointed out.

"One night or so on clean sheets, sure," Dawn agreed. "But you don't bring a motel bed home with you!"

Joyce just smirked.

Dawn closed her eyes and groaned, "Point taken."

"So any time you feel like following those hormones in anything but a committed relationship, just ask yourself 'WWMMD'."

"WWMMD?" Dawn asked.

"What would a motel mattress do?"

"You give frustratingly good advice," Dawn said. "And I'm probably going to end up a better person because of it."

"I'll try and live with the guilt," Joyce said with a smile.

"Didn't Buffy dress like this at her old school?"

"Sadly," Joyce admitted.

"So…" Dawn asked questioningly.

"A fairly common last ditch effort to simply move, and pretend like you were never like you were at all."

"So that's why she's claiming to be a virgin?"

"She's reinventing herself, something not too uncommon among teens. Fortunately this Buffy seems a lot better than old Buffy."

"I'll reserve judgment," Dawn said haughtily. "Until she stops calling me butt pain and trying to keep Xander away from me."

Joyce chuckled. "Well best get ready, Xander will be here soon."

"Send him up when he gets here," Dawn pleaded. "I want his help making sure the rest of this is on right."

Joyce raised an eyebrow.

"OK, I also want to make sure he sees me in this and to flatter him a little about how right he was, as no way would an innocent girl like me wear this in public."

"That's my girl," Joyce beamed proudly.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: I have no idea how many years ago I wrote this one.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Probably a Platypus**

Ranma blinked and looked around. "I need a drink," he announced, startling everyone at the dinner table when he got up and raided the fathers' sake stash.

"Since when do you drink, Saotome?" Nabiki demanded.

"Since about six years from now," he replied. Seeing the confusion he chuckled. "Just accept that I did."

"Boy, what's going on?" Genma asked, after eating all of Ranma's food.

"Either one hell of a delusion or a unique opportunity," he replied thoughtfully, before refilling his plate and taking his seat.

"What do you mean by that?" Nabiki asked.

"Just had a bunch of thoughts hit me all at once," Ranma said, "and I don't feel like sharing." Ranma absently blocked Genma's attempts to steal his food.

"Manly thoughts about Shampoo and Ukyou?" Nabiki said figuring Ranma would be flustered enough to give the truth if Akane or the Fathers didn't badger it out of him first.

"Would drive me to drink?" Ranma pointed out as he sipped sake, defusing the oncoming argument.

"P-chan!" Akane cried out, as the pig leapt out of her arms and latched itself onto Ranma's left arm with his teeth. Ranma simply held out his arm with P-chan hanging from it and waited for Akane to pry him loose. "What did you do to P-chan?!" Akane demanded, as she recovered her pet. "He wouldn't attack you for no reason!"

Ignoring Akane, Ranma turned to Kasumi. "P-chan is showing a lot of aggression, I think it's time we take him to the vet for a checkup, his shots and a little snip-snip so he stops, otherwise he's probably going to start peeing in the corners to mark territory."

Everyone but Kasumi and Ranma paled.

"The same could be said for Mr. Bear," Kasumi pointed out.

"Good point," Ranma cheerfully. "We can get them both done at the same time."

"Hey!" Genma protested.

"What?" Ranma asked. "They're purely ornamental at this point or mom would be getting ready to have a little brother or sister for me."

"How would that affect his shedding?" Kasumi asked.

"The reduction in testosterone would reduce the amount of hair he has, so more initially as his hair falls out, but it won't grow back, so less overall."

"That sounds like a great idea!" Kasumi enthused.

"No!" Soun ordered with Genma whispering behind him. "There will be no cutting off bits of guests!"

"Fine, I guess pops gets to keep them… for the moment," Ranma agreed. "We'll just schedule P-chan."

"You can't neuter my baby!" Akane yelled.

"Actually I can," Ranma said cheerfully. "I've read up on the subject and I can neuter him with a single rubber band."

"No neutering other people's pets!" Soun ordered.

"I look at it as self-defense," Ranma disagreed. "I keep getting attacked, so I found a nonviolent way to resolve the problem."

"How's that nonviolent?!" Akane demanded.

Ranma's hand blurred for a second and suddenly he was holding a large black rubber band open with three fingers on the right hand. "I slip this on a guy and there's no pain, just a little numbness and a lowering of aggressive behavior…permanently."

The fathers eyed Ranma nervously and P-chan cringed hiding in Akane's lap, but no one said anything more for the remainder of dinner.

"Would you help me clean up?" Kasumi asked Ranma.

"Sure Kasumi," he agreed while the others fled to avoid work.

It was a matter of moments to clean the dining room and take the dishes to the sink, while Kasumi put away anything left over. "You're usually not that hostile towards P-chan and your father," Kasumi said as she started washing dishes and handing them to Ranma to dry.

"Do you really think Akane doesn't know he's Ryoga?" Ranma asked dryly.

"Surely she'd tell you if she knew," Kasumi protested.

"Nope. Think of what her favorite play is."

"Romeo and Juliet?"

"Exactly, and here she gets to play star crossed lovers under everyone's noses. Akane isn't stupid, she and Ryoga are just enjoying playing me for a fool," Ranma said bitterly.

"But she said…" Kasumi trailed off.

"Yeah, let me guess. You found blood on the sheets and knew it wasn't her period, and she told you something about love and not wanting the fathers to ruin it right?"

Kasumi nodded.

"So she's asked you to keep quiet about any strange stains or noises in her room and pretend everything's normal, being sure not to mention anything to me because I'm so shy, right?"

Kasumi nodded.

"Next time you hear noises from her room, come check on me. You'll find me asleep in bed." Ranma had to move quickly to catch the plate that Kasumi dropped.

"She…she…," Kasumi growled angrily.

"Betrayed your trust and lied to you?"

"Yes! I don't see how she could do that."

"Easy," Ranma said. "Every betrayal she just blames on me. I'm the villain keeping her from her one true love so everything is my fault."

"That's horrible!"

"Yeah, but in her mind it excuses all her behavior. Why do you think she's so quick to believe I'm off with some other girl when I'm not around, even though she's seen me blow those girls off and tell them I'm in a relationship?"

"Why?" Kasumi asked.

"Because for her to get away with what she's doing with no guilt, I have to be the bad guy, thus I must be cheating since she is and I'm a much worse person than her."

"H-how long have you known?"

"I grabbed the sake bottle as it all hit me, I had no clue before that, but like any attack pattern I was eventually going to realize what was going on," he replied.

"B-but you're sure?"

"If she didn't ask you to keep quiet then I may be wrong," he admitted.

"Damn that girl!" Kasumi said angrily.

Ranma shrugged and they went back to doing dishes.

"Nabiki?" Kasumi asked after a minute wondering how they could save the engagement.

"The girl who tried to sell my girl side to the yakuza as a whore?" he asked bluntly.

Kasumi winced. "Me?" she asked once she'd recovered her composure.

"You pawned me off on your younger siblings and don't care for me all that much," Ranma said.

"I…thought that something else was going on," Kasumi admitted. "It…did not paint you in the best light."

"And despite everything I've done you continued to see me in that light, no matter how many times I put my ass on the line for your family. No, the agreement between our families is null and void."

"They may try to marry you off to daddy."

"Then you may become an orphan," Ranma replied. "If I'm feeling merciful I'll simply change the pair into something that isn't a pain in my ass, but don't count on it."

"So what are your plans?"

"Personal," Ranma replied. "I should be out of your hair by this weekend at the latest."

"It's going to kill father," Kasumi said.

"I've got more than enough reason to kill him, this will just depress him. Then again he can have Genma divorce Nodoka and marry one of you to join the schools if he wants it so much."

Kasumi stood there frozen for a good ten minutes after Ranma had left.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma lay quietly, pretending to sleep. Concentrating on his hearing he listened to the house waiting. Akane wasn't nearly as quiet as she imagined she was, so hearing her he triggered the cameras he'd hidden in her room and went to sleep. Thankfully he'd been able to borrow what he needed from Nabiki so he could finish up everything he wanted to do here and leave.

His dreams were filled with exaggerated horrors from his past, which ironically had yet to occur.

Waking hours before everyone else, he reclaimed the camera, returning it to Nabiki's room sans tape. On his way out he did a quick scan of her room but couldn't locate where she kept the books for all the gambling and blackmail she was currently engaged in. He didn't have time to search the whole house so he gave it up for now, he'd just have to get it from her in person later.

The sky was bright and clear as the sun rose but there was at least a hint of ozone in the air that said a storm was brewing. IF he remembered correctly a storm was heading towards Nerima, one that was big enough to drive everyone indoors for the rest of the week, which suited his plans perfectly.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: I don't know what I had planned for this.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sleepless**

Xander, Willow, and Jesse watched the double feature 'John Carpenter's Vampires' and 'From Dusk till Dawn' with a lot of laughter from the boys and squealing from all three, though if pressed the boys would claim it was all Willow.

"I wonder why there are so many different legends about vampires," Willow said. "I mean they always change the details. Did you notice how different the vamps were from one movie to the next?"

Xander shrugged. "Depends on the special effects budget I think. Well that and what the director thinks would look cool."

"No I mean in folk tales, Dracula is pretty standard for what effects vampires in American stories, but in other countries they are completely different. In Hungary vampires appear to be human, but sneak off into the woods at night to shed their skin and become owls, who then hunt for human prey."

"Do they still drink blood?" Jesse asked.

"I think so," Willow replied.

"I guess different things scare different people, cause truthfully bats are scary, but a vampire that turns into an owl around here I'd probably take it out with a pellet gun," Xander said thoughtfully.

"Vamps are king, but do you know what the lamest monster from the movies is?" Jesse asked.

"The Mummy?" Willow guessed. "Because I'm pretty sure a guy on crutches could escape from him."

"No, but that is a lame one. You could defeat a mummy with lighter fluid and a match. Those bandages look really flammable."

"Creature from the Black Lagoon," Xander guessed. "I mean it's just a walking fish. You could shoot it, which most monsters can ignore, and all that's left at that point is to decide if you'd rather have ketchup or tartar sauce with him."

"Got it in one," Jesse agreed. "And I have to admit it's also the only monster I'd consider edible."

Willow nodded, surprising the two boys. "What? I like fish."

"Lamest Superfriend not tossed in for laughs," Jesse challenged.

"Aquaman," Xander guessed.

"Wonder Woman," Willow tossed out.

"Wonder Woman?" the two boys chorused.

"The only female Superhero in the League, dressed like a striper, and can force people to tell the truth by tying them up, how lame is that?" Willow complained.

"Sounds like the plot from that movie we 'borrowed' from your uncle Rory," Jesse suggested.

"You guys were watching movies and you didn't invite me?!" Willow complained.

"Didn't think you'd want to watch it," Jesse said.

"I might have, if just to hang out with you guys."

Xander leaned over and whispered something in Willow's ear that made her blush bright red.

"Ok, never mind. Lamest hero?" she stuttered out.

"Aquaman, much like the creature from the Black Lagoon. He may be kickass in water, but he's useless outside it," Jesse said.

"And probably goes well with tartar sauce, I mean what else would you serve with white fish?" Xander snickered as his two friends groaned.

**One year later…**

"What's a matter dweeb? Did your friends finally realize what a loser you were and ditch you?" Cordelia sneered.

"At least I had friends," Xander replied.

Cordelia almost stumbled back from the lifeless look in his eyes. A vague memory began to surface, but she quickly pushed it back down and hurried to class. Xander continued to the principal's office. He'd tried to continue as if nothing had happened, like everyone else seemed to do, but Jesse's death and Willow's refusal to say why she had to go and ditch him at odd times to hang out with that new girl built up until he basically stopped seeing her and something had to give.

"Hey, Mr. Flutie, can I speak to you for a minute?"

"Sure…" his voice trailed off leadingly, he still didn't know all his students by name.

"Harris, Xan- Alex Harris," he introduced himself deciding to make a clean break.

"Well Alex, what can I help you with?"

"Well, I've been taking advanced placement classes for quite some time and barely scraping by as you can tell from my grades. And I've decided just scraping by isn't enough. If I'm going to get into college I'm going to need a better GPA and more than likely a sports scholarship. So I was considering dropping back into normal classes and joining the swim team."

Xander had chosen what team to join based on the old folk wisdom that swimming was the best form of exercise. Sure he'd managed to survive a couple of attacks, but it was a close thing and he'd never be able to put Jesse to rest in the shape he was in right now.

Principle Flutie practically beamed. It was so rare that he found any of his younger students taking an interest in their scholastic career. "How about I drop you into the normal classes and start you on the swim team, but we, just for a month to see if it works, give you a tutor and have you continue with the advanced coursework? That way if you change your mind you won't have to play catch-up. It's always best to keep your options open after all."

Alex smiled. "Sounds like a great idea. Can I start today?"

"Of course."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Coach Marin examined Alex closely. He looked a bit too broad shouldered to be a medal winner, but looks were sometimes deceiving. "Give me a few minutes; let's see what you've got."

Alex hopped in the pool and started swimming as fast as he could. The coach sighed. The kid didn't have much, no grace, no speed, no power. 'Best nip it in the bud now,' he thought to himself. What followed was a grueling three hour instruction the basics of swimming and effective but painful excursive done in the water.

"I've seen enough," the couch announced and waved a tired Alex out of the water. He waited till Alex was out of the water and dried off his face. "I've seen better, a lot better. "I've also seen worse, but not much. Normally I'd simply put you through the wringer till you quit, as a matter of fact that is what I was doing, but even my top swimmers would have dropped before now and you've shown improvement as we've worked, meaning you have a lot of stamina and are capable of listening. As long as you have the drive to improve, you have a place on my team," Coach Marin promised.

"I'll do whatever it takes," Alex promise.

"I'm going to hold you to that," the coach agreed. "You aren't even fit for a third stringer yet, but in a month to six weeks I expect to have you up to the second. I'll be honest, I want trophies and awards and I'm more than willing to work you half to death to get them, but what do you want?"

"I want to get stronger, I want to get faster, I want to get tougher," Alex said.

The coached nodded. "Glad to hear our goals mesh. We train Mondays and Thursdays, the body needs time to heal itself. IF you overdo it you simply tear down muscle rather than building it up. Follow my training schedule and I will make you stronger and faster in far less time than if you worked out daily. We do have some leeway in grades, but I don't like to rely on that, so Wednesdays everyone is here for a mandatory study session. I know all the tricks for increasing your learning speed and retention rate, hell I invented some of them. Do you have any questions?"

"No Coach," Alex promptly feeling a lot better about his decision to join the team.

"Good. Normally tomorrow is a training day, however since you have just joined I'll be running a series of test on you. I need a solid baseline so I know how far I can push you. Dismissed."

Alex found himself marching to the locker room and wondered when he'd joined the military.

The coach was a strange guy, looked about what you'd expect a grey haired fifty plus older gym teacher to look like, but he exuded authority and sounded a lot more intelligent than you'd expect, even with the slight Russian accent.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Alex checked another question about his past history while Coach Marin did something medically with a blood sample involving lasers and a floating holographic model of Alex's DNA.

"Have I entered the Twilight Zone?" Alex accidentally asked aloud.

"Nyet, huh. I mean no," the coach replied, not even looking up from what he was doing.

"Then why am I looking at technology that would make a technophile hump your leg while the school's history books still say that JFK is the current president?"

"Because I am a genius and I use my own equipment," he explained. "You see I grew up in Russia during the Cold War, where my intelligence was immediately noted and put to work. By the age of sixteen I had enough degrees to…choke a very large mammal and so I was put to work on something straight out of the comics. They wanted me to create a super soldier."

"Captain America comics gave them the idea to make super soldiers?" Alex asked in disbelief.

"That's what they claimed, but it turns out that was just propaganda, they'd actually copied the idea from the X-men comics where the Russians had done that. Personally I think they had their heart set on Wolverine," he said thoughtfully.

"They wanted you to turn soldiers into Wolverine clones?"

"Well he does kick ass, but I was only on the part of the project concerning training and healing so it's all speculation really."

"So what happened?" I mean, now did you end up here as a measly swim coach?"

The coach chuckled mirthfully. "I worked day and night for close to thirty years making advances that no one else had, but before we could finish, they shut us down and buried my work. I understand hard work to accomplish something, but all that work for nothing?! Nyet!"

Alex actually grinned as the Coach's English went all to hell and he waved a fist in the air. Something about him just reminded Alex of a terrier yapping. "And?"

"And nothing. I moved here because Sunnydale is partially a blank spot in terms of the covert community. I'm pretty sure bum fuck Egypt has more importance. Here I can finish my work in peace, collect some trophies and retire happy."

"All this for some high school trophies?" Alex asked doubtfully.

"I'm from Russia, I worked for thirty years on a top secret project and they didn't even give me a plaque. I want acknowledgement, but too much acknowledgement would end up with me being assassinated so I figured out amount needed to satisfy me and here I am."

"And what do I have to do with this?" Alex said cautiously.

"I think that should be obvious. You want to get stronger, faster, tougher and I want to complete my formula and get my name on a trophy. If you don't catch what I'm offering here I can tweak your IQ up about forty points. Unfortunately the side effects of that serum is narcolepsy, which would make you completely useless for my purposes, so forget I suggested that."

"You want to make me a supersoldier," Alex said flatly.

"You want to be a supersoldier. It is everything you asked of me and I get my awards when you win the swim meets!"

"You can really do this?" Alex asked.

"Yes, I really can," Marin promised. "I have a series of…enhancements ready. They come in stages so I don't have to worry about you dropping dead from shock. Each enhancement boosts your physical capabilities in whole or part as some are designed to enhance healing and make you more hearty rather than stronger or faster so you can survive the next boost. It takes time to become a superhuman, well that or a ninety eight percent casualty rate. I chose time."

"Good choice," Alex said faintly.

"I'm glad you agree. So if you agree to become a god amongst men drink this," Marin said handing him a beaker of orange fluid.

Alex braced himself and downed the fluid, waiting with his eyes screwed shut for the serum to do its work.

"Why are your eyes shut?" Marin asked curiously.

"Didn't I just drink a boost?"

"No, you just drank a screwdriver in celebration!" Marin said cheerfully and downed his own beaker of orange fluid.

"A screwdriver?" Alex asked.

"Don't worry, the first boost was adjusted so it'd turn off the genes for chemical dependency," Marin replied cheerfully. "When do I get the first boost?" Alex asked.

"Half an hour ago, I took the blood sample to see how well you adapted to it."

"What?!"

"I'm a genius. I knew you were going to agree before you finished the first page of the psych eval," Marin explained.

"Then why make me finish it?" Alex asked.

"Because this test tells me much more than just that," Coach Marin replied. "It also says you are afraid of clowns, becoming an alcoholic and failure in general."

"Wow," Alex said stunned.

"There is more of course but I figure I'd deal with those three first. You can no longer become an alcoholic without a great deal of work and shortly that will be impossible. In another two boosts alcohol will no longer affect you like it does others; it will become a stimulant to you, like coffee only more so, but getting drunk will be impossible."

Alex began to sit up straighter, as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders

"As for failure, of course you're going to fail," the coach said bluntly, causing Alex to slump. "Everyone fails. You know what is different between genius and failure? It is not giving up. It is trying the same thing again and again until you succeed. Trust me when I say that you have not failed nearly as much as I have. I have failed at things you have never dreamed of. Fear of failure, bah! If you have not failed, you will never succeed!"

Alex began to grin. "And the clown phobia?"

"We'll go beat the hell out of a couple. Trauma happened when you were little, so now that you are big you bloody a clown's nose and it goes away."

Alex laughed but the coach just smirked. "Seriously?"

"Yes, they are easy to locate. Clowns actually have a society of sorts, I did a dissertation on it. There are bars and places that are clown only during certain times. It's very fascinating how no one really notices, it's social invisibility. If you see a couple of clowns enter a place, you simply assume they are there for a private party, not that they are having a party themselves.

Alex froze.

"What? What's wrong?" the coach asked.

"I'm now picturing a huge clown conspiracy where they use their social invisibility to assassinate people and slowly take over the world! Maybe when people talk about those clowns in Congress it's not just a figure of speech!" Xander began to hyperventilate and the coach quickly slapped him in the face.

"Get ahold of yourself! That's already been taken care of!" Marin shouted.

"What?" Alex stared at Marin in shock. "You mean I'm not nuts?"

"No, you are nuts but you are also right. KGB used dissertation as basis for their own squad and it was quite successful. Even when people saw them in action no one believed them and calls to the police were written off as prank calls till it was far too late. But they became victims of their own success. There were simply too many dead agents and too many reports of clowns to be ignored, so the US made their own clown commando unit to take them down."

"And they never tried to make another clown squad?"

"Nyet. Getting budget for unit full of clowns the first time was a miracle, but doing it twice? Besides I knew it was hopeless when I learned what kind of clowns the US was sending against them."

"Kind of clowns?" Alex asked.

"Da, there are three basic types of clowns, with several subtypes. What most people think of when they think of clowns is the circus clown. They are distinguished by their big floppy shoes, red button nose, white face paint foundation and large pants."

Alex nodded.

"Now, as there aren't enough circuses to fill the demand for clowns and waiting till a circus was in town to hire one would make scheduling birthday parties problematic, a subset of the circus clown called the party clown came to be."

Alex shivered, knowing he was talking about his hated foe.

"One thing you must remember is that circus clowns are carny folk, so they are tough and unpredictable fighters, but party clowns lack their strength and toughness so if you see a clown and there isn't a circus in town, you can probably take them."

"So America sent circus clowns?" Alex asked.

"Nyet, circus clowns are of European origin. America wanted its own clowns, so they developed them from a distinctly American pastime, the Rodeo."

"Rodeo clowns?"

"Da. Rodeo clowns moon bulls on a daily basis, risking life and limb to protect cowboys. They wear clown clothes made of much rougher material, less makeup and cowboy boots."

"SO the three main types of clowns are circus, party and rodeo?"

"Nyet, party clown is subtype of circus clown. Third type of clown is Mime."

"So Rodeo beats Circus. Circus beats Mime and Mime beats Rodeo?"

"Nyet, Mime beats nobody. Mime is French!"

"What about Kabuki?" Alex asked.

"Is subset of ninja not clown, only superficial resemblance."

Alex nodded. "Sounds a lot more dangerous than a rodeo clown."

"Da, but they are never seen outside a noh theatre."

Alex nodded. "So what's on the agenda?"

"Sticking you in a tank and programming you full of schoolwork so you don't have to waste time studying and I don't have to worry about my star ending up on academic probation."

"Programming?"

"Da, programming. Part of the formula was designed to make it easy to brainwash soldiers, I've simply changed the programming from being obedient soldier to being straight A student. You go to sleep in the tank and when you wake up you have at your fingertips not only skills needed to memorize and manage large amounts of data, but you also have all the facts you need to ace all tests for the next six months."

"You're going to brainwash me to get straight A's?" Alex asked doubtfully.

"Brainwashing is what American education system is based on! It was designed off Prussian model which was created to turn out loyal citizens. You, as well as everyone else with half a brain, know most of what the school teaches you is useless once you leave."

"I always wondered about that," Alex replied frowning.

"We are just skipping all the bull, programming the knowledge useful straight in while giving you the skills to appear to be one of the brainwashed masses."

"No useful skills?"

"Some, just not many. School just is not conductive to learning."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Also wrote this many years ago.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Forgotten Highways**

There were cracks in the world... No that didn't fit. There were several versions of the world overlaid on one another... Better, but not quite. The roads and paths split between worlds that were stacked on top of each other like Dixie cups and no one seemed to notice, Xander decided.

He wondered what he would have seen if he'd looked back at Sunnydale when he'd left. Staring at the series of LAs in front of him and the subtle difference in the roads leading in to them, he tried to figure out which one was 'his' if such a term applied.

There was a bright and clean LA with buildings that reminded him of New York, and a dark and dreary one that looked like he imagined Gotham City did in the comics. And, of course, there were a handful of variations between the two.

One of the brighter looking darker ones, if that made any sense, was almost certainly 'home'... but he found he didn't much like the looks of the place. There were demons like cockroaches infesting the place, while better than the cities below it in some cases, wasn't as attractive as the levels above it.

The longer he looked, the more he could see...

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Halloween 1/4**

"Here is the challenge," Xander told them with a grin. "We have four, count them, four suits of stormtrooper armor."

"That's so bland," Warren complained.

"Exactly!" Xander agreed. "The stormtrooper armor is just the base. A blank canvas, as it were. We are the four - since no one else showed up - four generals of the Death Star."

"That's not bad," Johnathan said, his mind already jumping ahead to how he could modify his set of armor.

Xander grinned and laid three folders on the table. "Welcome to 'Pimp my Death Star!'"

They each grabbed a folder.

"Who got the super laser?" Andrew asked as he looked in the folder he'd grabbed and saw his quarter didn't have it.

"I have it," Xander admitted, setting his folder on the table. "See, I had an idea. Just destroying planets is wasteful and unnecessary."

The three geeks poured over the blueprints.

"This is Federation tech. Is that even legal?" Warren asked with a grin, making everyone laugh.

"You get to blend a single other universe with your quarter of the Death Star," Xander said. "Your stormtrooper armor should show it, so choose carefully."

"You've turned the planet destroying super laser into a multi-tool," Johno said. "Attract, repulse, shield, beam?"

"I've also replaced the core of the Death Star with a singularity," Xander said. "So no worries about power and resupply."

"Yeah," Andrew said thoughtfully. "We won't have an empire to provide outside resources, so we'll also have to grow our own food. Of course, we actually have enough room to raise cattle on board, as well as grow plants, so it's really not that big of a deal."

"You know which universe you're using?" Xander asked.

"Sailor Moon," Andrew replied. At everyone's confused looks, he explained, "They had magic at science level and made barren planets fertile. Remember, they were a magic based interstellar empire that didn't just find earthlike planets, they created them."

"And the award for thinking outside the box goes to Andrew," Warren said.

"I have no idea how you are going to mix a magic girl outfit with a set of stormtrooper armor, but I gotta give you mad props for the concept," Xander said.

"It's going to be hard to match that," Johnathan admitted. "Replicators probably could have handled the food supply, but Sailor Moon actually handles a lot more than just food, providing backups to several important systems. Between Star Wars, Star Trek, and Sailor Moon, most of the bases are covered, so... Tenchi Muyo."

"Light Hawk wings or Cabbits?" Warren asked.

"Both," Johnathan replied. "Jurian trees for reinforcing ships systems with yet another redundancy and Cabbits for shuttles and fighters."

"Upgrade them like Ryo'Ohki," Warren said. "It's not fair to give them human intelligence and deny them human form." Seeing everyone looking at him skeptically, Warren chuckled. "Also, catgirls."

"Aaaah," went the chorus.

"Sailor Moon has catgirls: the Mau," Andrew said.

"Star Trek also has them too. Mostly in the animated series, but they're there," Xander said.

"OK, so I need a good series, preferably with catgirls," Warren said.

"Catgirls are optional and all major systems are covered and backed up," Xander said. "Remember, you get one universe and your armor must match it."

"Yeah, but catgirls is a good theme to follow," Warren said with a grin. "And, I know what to pick."

"What?" his fellow geeks chorused curiously.

"Marvel," he replied with a grin.

"I'm listening," Xander said.

"Tigra, Black Cat, Kitty Pryde in Limbo; Marvel has had its share of catgirls and a pretty wide selection of various techs, but I'm thinking Iron Man armor would blend quite well with stormtrooper armor and his technology was a lot more flexible than the tech from the universes you guys have chosen."

"So I'm thinking you are going as Tony-the-Starktrooper-general," Xander said.

"Exactly," Warren agreed.

"Stormtrooper Moon," Xander said, waving at Andrew.

"By the light of the Empire, you shall be punished!" Andrew said.

"That fits together way better than I thought it would," Johnathan admitted.

"Yeah," Xander and Warren agreed.

"I can't think of a Tenchi pun that works," Xander told Johnathan. "I'm assuming you're thinking of going as Tenchi as a stormtrooper."

"I'm actually thinking Ryoko's half-brother who is related to the Royal Family, so I get both power sets. That's a lot more reasonable than Tenchi 'I Pwn Gods' Misaki," Johnathan said.

"He's got a point," Warren said. "It also allows him a bit more leeway in costume design, but he'll need a wooden key and Ryoko's gems."

"Very workable," Xander agreed.

"And your outfit?" Andrew asked Xander.

"Composite clone of James T. Kirk and Anakin Skywalker with the full set of genetic augments Star Trek has available," Xander said.

"That's an impressive power and skill set for a non-anime," Johnathan said.

"He'd need Khan's superior immune system to deal with Kirk's habit of nailing alien females," Andrew said, making them all bust up laughing. "What? It's true."

**Typing By: Ordieth**

**AN: I have no idea where I was going with this, but rest assured Janus was fired in the ensuing chaos.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Xantastic Voyage**

It probably wouldn't have happened had Xander not been standing directly over the Hellmouth at the time. Even then, the odds were so far against it that it could be classified as a miracle that it happened. However, Xander was known for beating the odds, and not always in a good way.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Alexander stared in disbelief at the piece of wood sticking out of his chest, a symbol of life breaking the compact that kept him on this plane.

Hell itself reached up and grabbed the young blood demon, its mere presence burning his body to ash.

Alexander, like every demon since time immortal, fought against being dragged to hell, because he instinctively knew that being in hell sucked for demons as much as it did for humans.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Angel, Buffy, and Faith tensed and glanced around the library.

"What the fuck was that?" Faith demanded.

"A minor spike in the Hellmouth's energies," Giles replied. "Not an unusual event this close to ascension."

"Yeah, well how about that?" Faith asked, pointing to Xander who was standing in the center of the library, pale and trembling, his eyes a baleful yellow and giving off a sputtering golden glow.

"Wait!" Angel commanded, stopping anyone from rushing to Xander's side. "He feels... like a vampire."

Another spike hit, strong enough that everyone felt it this time, and Xander collapsed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Alexander blocked a swing at his head, the strength of the blow making him stumble backwards, his feet slipping in the mud as the sun beat down on them. He wasn't sure why he wasn't bursting into flame, but any desire to walk in the daylight ever again was firmly squelched by how hot and bright it was. He was already missing the night and how comforting it was drawing off the heat of the day and hiding you from your enemies.

A leather clad figure's boot lifted the poor vampire about a foot and his world dissolved into pain.

Alexander came-to as he was flung across a canyon and over a waist-high wall to land on the cement with a bone jarring thud, something made worse by the numerous broken bones. From his position on the ground he could see a plaque mounted on the wall, but he couldn't read it from his angle.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"This isn't good," Giles said as Xander's eyes blazed with golden energy, making Angel flinch back.

"You think?" Cordelia drawled out as the light faded and Xander's body went slack in the chair they'd tied him to.

"What's going on?" Faith asked.

"I'm not sure, but when Xander was hit with that surge of energy, it may have re-energized one of his past possessions."

"Possessions, as in more than one?"

"Yes. Xander has been most unfortunate at times, and it's led to him being possessed a couple of times."

"What have you done to prevent him from being possessed again?" Wesley asked curiously.

Silence filled the room, broken a moment later by Xander's guttural growl, "Damn that hurt. Worse than fighting a slayer."

"I see," Wesley said calmly before beginning to search through the stacks for anything that would help. "What all has he been possessed by?"

"Hyena," Buffy said, remembering the scene vividly.

"It was a primal empowerment," Giles explained.

"A soldier costume," Willow added.

"Janus empowered one of his worshiper's spells and everyone turned into their Halloween costume."

"A ghost," Cordelia reminded them.

"That would have been from the student-teacher affair that led to a murder-suicide about half a century ago."

"The swim team coach almost turned him into a water demon," Willow reminded them.

"He enjoys fish a bit more, but has reported no other changes," Giles said.

"And the vampiric presence Mr. Angel felt?" Wesley asked.

"It's still there, but a bit weaker," Angel said.

"As far as I know, he has had no contact with anything that would explain his present state," Giles said. "He's clearly alive and has his soul, but apparently is a vampire as well."

"A souled vampire?" Cordelia asked, causing everyone to look at Angel.

"Gypsy curse, not transferable or contagious," Angel said.

Recalling their latest problem, Willow spoke up, "W-what if someone made the W-word?"

"You mean like wishing Xander knew what it felt like to be a souled vamp?" Cordelia asked as all eyes in the room turned towards Buffy and Angel.

"If I wished misfortune on him, it wouldn't be something that would make him my roommate for the next century," Angel promised, shivering.

"I may have thought it, but I'd never say it," Buffy swore.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Alexander dragged himself to his feet as his bones knit, and took a look around. He appeared to be in ... a zoo?

Collapsing on a bench, he looked at the plaque labeling the creature he had fought. "Primal what?" he muttered as he looked over the wall and across the moat that surrounded a landscape bathed in sunlight, as opposed to the zoo where it was night. The figure in the center of the habitat looked a lot like how he remembered looking before mirrors the world over decided to ignore he watched Primal run, he saw the scenery change as it moved to keep him in the center of the habitat. Sun baked planes gave way to a familiar looking high school.

**Typing By: Ordieth**

**AN: An early ficlet on Xander's Zoo.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Mountain 5**

**Part 1 : Chapter 11 YMF**

**Part 2 : Chapter 25 YMF**

**Part 3 : Chapter 66 YMF**

**Part 4 : Chapter 6 YEMF**

"Why do I smell smoke?" Cordelia asked as she woke up.

"I discovered a new way to make fire," Xander replied.

"Indoors?" Cordelia asked, coming awake.

"Using just a pen and paper," Xander agreed.

"Didn't you once set a book on fire by saying a few words in Latin?" she reminded him.

"A lot of my discoveries seem to involve fire," he agreed.

"I'm trying to think up a biting comment involving Buffy burning down the gym and your crush on her, but nothing is gelling at the moment."

"You just woke up, you can't expect quality quips before your morning coffee, or in this case, coco," he replied, heating up the kettle.

"Coco is just going to make me want to stay in bed," Cordelia noted with a yawn.

"How's the leg?" Xander asked.

"Feels good enough to…still require help getting to the bathroom and back," she said after she tested it.

"And compared to yesterday?"

"No comparison," she said with a sigh. "Yesterday I felt like I'd been in a car wreck, now it's more of a training sprain. Still, I'd like something stronger than Midol if you can find it, because this does not feel good."

"I'll make that a priority, along with something to read," he promised.

"Xander?" she asked while he made her a mug of coco.

"Yeah?"

"I…thank you, I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with and I'm still pissed at you, so I'll probably say a lot of horrible things while trying not to, because you fucked that red-headed…witch, but…I forgot where I was going with this. Please find me more alcohol so I can be thoughtful, rant, and cry while blaming it on the booze."

"Booze is probably safer than past due pain pills," Xander agreed. "Would you like some Midol?"

"Yes, but I can't take pills with hot liquids or I gag."

"I'm the same way," Xander told her. "Want me to get you a glass of water or a soda? I don't recall if they had diet Pepsi, though."

"I don't trust expired diet drinks anyway, just get me a regular soda with caffeine," she replied.

Xander handed her a mug of coco, and started getting dressed so he could go outside.

"So, how'd you end up setting a piece of paper on fire?" she asked as she sipped her coco and watched him dress, pretending not to look.

"I wanted to figure out how things were running without power," Xander explained. "So I grabbed an extra hot plate last night to take apart and this morning when I took it apart, all I found inside was a couple of stone disks, that line runes up when you turn them and when I wrote them down, the paper caught fire."

"Like a hand-written spell," Cordelia said.

"I actually know something about that. Giles tried to educate me on the difference between reality and Marvel comics, when it comes to the Norse pantheon. Odin sacrificed an eye to…the universe, I think, to gain wisdom and that's how he gained the knowledge of runes, which were considered magical and was taught to humanity, giving us a written language."

"And these are those runes?" Cordelia asked curiously.

"I think so," Xander answered. "There are some definite differences from the ones I'm used to, but it's possible the priests of Wotan kept them a secret using a… non-powered version for writing and taught it to the common man."

"And someone knew enough to use it to…what?" Cordelia asked, confused.

"To save on power bills?" Xander guessed. "They put plugs on things to hide it, but it's probably the reason we've still got light and heat."

"And if not for whatever happened, no-one would have ever known," Cordelia said.

"Yeah, I'm going to have to keep a journal detailing them, otherwise Giles would kill me when we return."

"Wouldn't it just catch fire?"

"Nah, my mistake was writing them all down on the same line…I'll have to use the runes I'm familiar with…I wonder if that's how they got lost."

"You mean the real runes weren't written down because they would activate, so the fake runes were used in their place, so when archeologists dug everything up, they only found the fake ones?" Cordelia asked, following his train of thought.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, as he laced up his shoes. "It makes sense. Be right back."

Cordelia sight as the door closed behind him. Here they were, sharing a motel room and instead of being spooned up together in bed, naked, like she'd imagined, they were at odds with one another, and worried about surviving. "Any condoms we could find would probably be too deteriorated anyway," she muttered after a couple of minutes trying to think of something else.

"What?" Xander asked, not having caught more than the last few words as he came back through the door.

"Just thinking about how different things hold up over time," Cordelia quickly said, accepting a can of cola from him.

Xander nodded and retrieved the Midol from the bathroom. "Happily, I can get one of the cars running."

"Cars?" Cordelia asked, grateful for the sudden change of topic.

"Our choices are stay here and settle down as we wait for rescue, which may take more time than we have food available, or wait a reasonable amount of time and then search for a place with more food and supplies. Besides, just in case there's an emergency where we have to travel, I'd rather have an option beside walk or run."

"The road is blocked," she reminded him.

"It's only a bit of dirt and mud," Xander assured her. "As long as that's the worst section of road, we'll be fine with a truck or SUV."

"What if the entire world is this way?" she asked.

"Then we have plenty of canned goods and soda to see us through until Willow and Giles figure out a way to get us home."

"She can't give head correctly and you expect her to get us home?" Cordelia demanded.

"She's got the power, Giles has the knowledge," Xander replied. "And I doubt whatever voodoo they cook up will be adversely affected by her dick sucking skills." Xander wasn't exactly Willow's biggest fan at the moment and he knew Cordelia needed to vent, so he was having a real hard time not laughing.

"You find this funny?" Cordelia accused him in shock.

Xander burst out laughing and took a minute to recover. "Just picture Giles and her arguing about the correct pronunciation of vowels in a magical language before he sends her off to practice her 'oral skills' so she doesn't screw it up."

Cordelia snickered. "OK, that is funny."

"Plan for the worst, hope for the best," Xander said.

"Be careful out there," Cordelia told him. "I still can't walk and I don't want to be stuck here all alone."

"I'll be careful, and not Xander careful, but Cordelia careful," he promised.

"And no fucking any red-heads," she added.

"And no fucking any red-heads," he agreed.

**Typing by: Elrod Albino!  
**


	14. Chapter 14

**Cupid**

Xander was pissed. He'd worked his ass off to earn the money to buy Cordelia something nice and she'd dumped him, on Valentine's Day, in the middle of the dance floor. If there was a worse place and time to break up with someone, he didn't know what it was.

He wasn't sure what he could do to pay her back, until he spotted Amy using magic to cover up not doing her homework. This he could work with.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Hercules winced. He wasn't sure what had upset his sister, but she was pissed! He could feel it from the mortal plane.

"So you think love is a toy, huh?" Aphrodite growled out.

"Sis?" he asked cautiously as he approached, appearing in a flash of light.

"Herc?" she asked before squealing and running over to give him a hug. "It's good to see you! I thought you were hanging out on the mortal plane."

"I am, but that doesn't mean I can't stop in to visit my favorite sister."

Despite his legendary strength her hug almost crushed his ribs.

"So... stop by for a quickie?" she asked, running a finger down his chest after she'd released him.

"Later," he promised, catching her hand. "Right now I just came to catch up on how things are going with you and see what's gotten you so angry."

Sparks crackled off her eyelashes as she ground her teeth. "This," she said, gesturing to a pool of water that rested in a floating cloud (she'd decorated her entire domain in nothing but clouds this season) showing a young man and woman invoke her power.

"He seeks love to betray it?" Hercules guessed, knowing what angered his normally cheerful sister.

"Exactly! I can even understand his feelings, since he merely wishes to do to her what she did to him, but that doesn't excuse perverting love that way!"

"Let's look at his history," Hercules suggested.

"Trying to calm my ire?" she asked, amused.

"If it doesn't, it'll at least give you some good ideas for how to punish him," Hercules replied.

"Fair enough," she agreed as a gesture revealed his full history to the pair.

"He's not lucky in love or life in general," Hercules said with a sigh.

"True," Aphrodite agreed. "This doesn't excuse his actions, however."

"Yeah, but did you catch his comment about irony?"

"You have an idea?" she asked.

"Wouldn't it be ironic if every woman in town, except the one he wanted, felt a fatal attraction for him?"

Aphrodite grinned. "Have I ever told you that you are my favorite brother?"

"Yes, but generally only when I'm going down on you."

"Well, let me assure you it's true, even when your tongue isn't in my muff," she said cheerfully.

Hercules laughed. "Have the spell last until sunset and judge him by how he responds?"

"Sure, as long as you're not expecting me to go easy on him."

"If he resists temptation, he deserves a harder test to see if he earned a reward, and if he fails then he deserves punishment."

Aphrodite laughed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"They act like I actually took them up on their offers instead of running like hell," Xander complained to Giles.

"Yes, well your foray into magic upset a great many people," Giles said. "Being forced to act like they did is a violation they won't soon forget."

**Typing By: Ordieth**


	15. Chapter 15

**Cube Rooting for the Home Team**

***Transition***

Dizzy and confused. If you want a good description of stepping from one branch of creation to another one as a human being, dizzy and confused covers it.

I leaned against a convenient wall with my eyes closed and waited for the dizziness to pass. I had no idea why or where I was, so the confusion would probably take a bit longer.

"Xander," a female voice said before doing something extremely stupid: shaking me. Naturally I spewed like a soda would, though with more corn I imagine.

"Gross!"

"Then don't shake me," I complained, not opening my eyes and leaning my forehead against the nicely cool wall.

"Are you ok?"

"Nauseous, waiting for it to pass," I replied before spitting out some left-over bile. "Blech!"

"Giles probably has some tea or Pepto," she offered.

"Lead on, McDuff," I replied, offering an arm, but not opening my eyes.

"I'll go slow," she promised and true to her word she guided me inside a building and then into a room... that smelled of books.

"Xander, are you ok?" a male voice asked.

"Dizzy, nauseous, and more than a little confused," I replied.

"He vomited outside," she told him, setting me on a chair.

"Shaking me is definitely not a good idea," I offered.

"I'll make you some tea," he decided. "It'll settle your stomach."

"Please do," I replied, resting my forehead against the cool table in front of me.

"You must really be feeling under the weather," the man said.

Before I could reply, a couple of people burst through the doors to the library. "Hey G-man, what's the what?" a young male voice called out.

"Xander?!" the two people I had met exclaimed.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"Then, who's he?" the redhead who'd brought me here asked.

"He can't be me, I'm me!" the male teen exclaimed.

"He is still sick," I offer. "I'm not moving or opening my eyes until I get me something to make me feel better."

"I thought you were Xander!" the redhead yelped.

"He's wearing a black leather jacket, and ... flight deck boots," Xander said. "I don't wear those."

"Who are you?" a new female voice demanded, a hand grabs my shoulder.

"Don't! He puked outside when I shook him," the redhead warned.

"Please tell me the tea is on its way," I begged.

"It'll be another couple of minutes," the older male voice said. "I notice you haven't give a name yet."

"Too sick to care," I told him. "I'm sure I have a driver's license or something."

A hand fumbled around in my back pocket. "Worst pick pocket ever."

"I'm just checking your ID," the female teen said, pulling out my wallet.

"When you find out, let me know."

"Alexander Lavell Harris," she read off something in my wallet.

"Let me see that!" the young male exclaimed and from the sounds of it he did a much more thorough check of my wallet. "He has better ID than I do. Also, he banks more than me, and has cards for the donut shop and coffee hut that aren't due to be issued for another year."

"He's a time traveler?!" the redhead exclaimed.

"They aren't exactly hard to fake," Xander said.

"And the face?"

"Much more difficult, but still possible," he admitted.

"And more likely than a time traveler," I ventured.

"There are a number of spells and shape shifting demons," G-man pointed out.

"Demon sounds likely," I said.

"What? You're saying you're a demon?" the red haired girl asked.

"I'm saying it's a possibility because I feel worse than should be humanly possible."

**Typing By: Ordieth**

**AN: I think I was sick when I wrote this.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Game On!**

**Game over.**

Those two words hung in the air mockingly as he laid there...dying? Strange, he didn't feel any pain any more. Sitting up, Xander realized he was no longer injured. His vision wasn't greying out, the world was simply grey.

**Game Over. Continue from last save?**

"Yes," Xander said hopefully. He knew his way around a video game console and had been in enough strange situations that what should have been strange enough to cause a minor psychotic break only garnered a raised eyebrow.

**File corrupted. Redo from start?**

"Out of cheese error," Xander muttered.

**Pratchett Footnotes activated!**

Xander chuckled. "Up up down down left right left right bee ay."

**Cheat mode activated! Pause button now available during hentai mode!**

"Hentai mode?"

**Hentai mode activated!**

***Hentai mode was added when the game designers realized most of their audience (like most of their programmers) were teenage boys and the chance to see Unknown and Unknown in hot lesbian action guaranteed the game's success.**

Xander read the message written under his feet, stepping back to uncover the bottom half and snickered.

"Commands? Menu? Select? Start?" he tried to bring up an options screen.

**Beginning new game.**

Xander sighed as the screen rezzed out.

***WHAM***

Xander blinked and stared up at the bar that he'd just flipped over.

"Are you alright?!"

Xander looked up and saw Willow looking down at him worriedly.

***Fun fact: the FCC publicly declared that if Unknown were to do a nude scene on public television, they'd ok it.**

Xander chuckled and stood up. "Doing fine, Wills. I don't seem to have broken anything, though I suppose we can borrow the nurse's office and check," he joked.

Willow blushed and the screen changed.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

The edges of his vision turned pink and he found himself sitting on a bed in the nurse's office with his shirt open, a much more muscular chest, and the kind of long, wavy hair you only see on the cover of romance novels.

An older Willow, with breasts that he was pretty sure were cribbed from a porn star, stepped into the room wearing high heels; lingerie; an open, white lab coat; and a stethoscope swayed into the room and practically purred, "Well, Mister Harris, you seem to be ok, but I better run some tests just to be sure."

"What kind of tests, Miss Rosenberg?" Xander asked innocently.

"Cardio-vascular," she replied, sitting on a stool in front of the bed. "Stand up and drop your pants."

"Yes, ma'am," he agreed, reaching for his belt as she pressed the stethoscope to his chest.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Cold!" Xander complained. "Why is the stethoscope so cold?"

"They're always cold," Willow replied, before she froze, staring in his eyes.

"Imagine them warm next time," he ordered.

"O-okay," Willow stuttered, red faced and wondering if she'd said something.

**Cosplay level unlocked!**

**Completion of Nurse's Office Scene will unlock Naughty Nurse Willow +25% heal + Sexual Healing level 1.**

"We better get to class. Hover is planning a pop quiz," he remembered.

"Eeep!" Willow rushed off while Xander retrieved his skateboard.

**Typing By: Ordieth**

**AN: I was going to write a BtVS video game story, but it quickly turned to porn!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Not Remotely Realistic**

The moment the spell broke, Xander knew what had happened, he'd become his costume, a man who had pulled a Johnny, only he hadn't won a golden fiddle. Xander hefted the TV remote in his hand. It felt heavy, solid in a way he associated with old swords, it felt…real. The sound of crying children broke him from his contemplation, and he automatically slid the remote into its holster and quickly started rounding up kids. He could consider everything when the streets weren't filled with crying children.

"Hey little one, it's going to be fine," he told a little ballerina.

"Bu-but," she sniffled, tears running down her face. "Being a ballerina sucks! I had to train all the time and I couldn't eat anything!" She burst into tears.

"Then don't become one," Xander said. "Go be something else."

"I don't have to be anorexic?" she asked hopefully.

"It's not mandatory regardless of what anyone tells you," he promised.

It took half an hour to get all the kids together and calmed down. Looking at the sea of empty bags and tearful faces he decided he couldn't let it end this way. "Everyone follow me," he ordered.

It was a very happy and sugar filled group that he returned to the school with bags stuffed full of goodies, not all of it candy.

"Is this the group I sent you out with?" Snyder asked, the chaos of the night and fear of impending lawsuits making him more subdued than Xander expected.

"This is all the kids I could find," Xander replied. "It's about three times the size of my group. How many kids are we missing?"

"I-I don't know," Snyder said.

"Put them in their original groups and let's see who's missing," Xander ordered. "Hurry, if we can recover them and stuff them full of candy before their parents get here it will make the school look good. After all it's not the school's fault that there was a gas leak and thanks to the fact that you chose responsible young adults all the children were returned safely."

"Yeah," Snyder said straightening up a little as the new reality asserted itself in his mind.

"Get me the list and a walkie talkie, in the meantime send someone to buy as much candy as possible. For the sake of the school."

"For the sake of the school," Snyder agreed and hurried to cover his ass…erm rescue the children.

In the end, Xander had to get three children off roofs, one out of a tree, rescue four that were glued to a wall, while the rest trudged in on their own with their escorts.

Snyder was so happy he only gave Xander a week's worth of detention.

**The Library the next day…**

"Were there any side effects?" Giles asked.

"I spent most of the night in a church praying," Buffy said. "My knees still hurt. I think I aced my French final though, so there's that."

"I'm solid once more," Willow said happily.

"Xander?" Giles asked.

"Do you know who I dressed as?" Xander asked in return.

"Jack Tripper?" Willow guessed, not really understanding the importance of the question.

"Close," Xander said. "It's kinda meta. I dressed as a character played by John Ritter and at one point becomes Jack Tripper and demonstrates at least a connection or awareness of the character."

"I'm sure that's all very fascinating," Giles said, not interested in being educated on pop culture. "But what were the side effects?"

"Ok, I'll sum it up," Xander said. "He basically challenged the devil and jumped into the TV. He won and returned with a remote control." Xander flicked his wrist and the remote shot out of his sleeve and into his hand.

"Does it…" Giles trailed off unable to think of how to finish the question.

The doors slammed open and Cordelia Chase stormed in, her face a mask of fury. "Alright, which one of you-"

Xander hit the mute button and Cordelia's rant was stopped in mid-sentence, though her mouth kept moving. "See?" he asked.

Cordelia stopped and clutched her throat but the group ignored her as they carefully studied Xander's remote, which he wouldn't let them hold and clutched it to his chest when Buffy reached for it.

"I just wanna see it," Buffy complained, Cordelia's shouting and jumping up and down going completely unnoticed as she couldn't make a sound no matter what she did.

"How many remotes have you broken?" he asked.

"A couple," she admitted.

_**TYPING BY:**_

_**-AEthereal Devastation**_

_**AN: Why are there so few fics crossed with Stay Tuned?**_


	18. Chapter 18

**Back to the Dole**

"And back to Sunnydale," Xander said as they passed the sign welcoming them. "And why are we here again?"

"Think of time and space like a river," Sirius said. "Now we are going upstream to see if we can find the place where it branches off to Penny's Sunnydale, since just hoping we'll hit it has done bugger all."

"And we can probably find it easier following a familiar trail."

"Exactly!"

"Makes sense. So we drive from where I started out, which would be the high school."

"Really?"

"We'd just blown it up and I had my bags packed so I could leave directly after the graduation ceremony."

"If I blew up Hogwarts I'd want to leave immediately too!"

"It was a group effort," Xander defended himself. "Chang's Mexican food!" he suddenly burst out.

"Chang's Mexican food?" Sirius asked as they pulled in to the parking lot of what appeared to be a traditional Mexican restaurant.

"The owner is actually named Kevin," Xander assured him. "He's Chinese and in fact no one who works there is Mexican or named Chang, but the food's good."

"Is it Mexican?"

"Rarely, it depends on who's cooking, what the general mood is and what the theme is."

"Theme?"

"They change the interior all the time and that affects what they serve."

"So the menu is always changing," Sirius said with a smile.

"No, the menu stays the same, you just get the equivalent of whatever they are doing. Half the fun is guessing what you'll get."

"Sounds like fun," Sirius decided as they got out of the car.

"It is," Xander assured him as they entered. "I come here all the time."

They both waited a moment for their eyes to adjust to the darker interior as they waited for their host.

"Hello Xander, you're looking wonderful, but didn't I already seat you?" Despite being a thin white male, Dean (according to his nametag) carried off dressing like a young, Mexican, dancing girl surprisingly well.

"Am I already here?" Xander asked curiously.

"I seated you with several lovely young ladies just a few minutes ago," Dean assured him waving towards a table. "See?"

"Seat me with myself, please," Xander requested.

"Ok, but I'm going to give you Ahbed as your server, since Troy is already covering that table and he gets confused when you change orders."

"That'd be fine," Xander assured him.

"It looks like a traditional Mexican restaurant," Sirius said with a frown as he looked around.

"It was Jefferies turn to pick a theme and he chose traditional Mexican, because no one would ever expect it," Dean explained.

Sirius laughed as they followed Dean to a table.

"I'll have them bring more silverware," Dean promised, setting a menu down at two empty seats, surprising the people at the table. "Ahbed will be by in a minute."

A brunette, long haired, teen looked at the pair curiously as they sat down. "Xander, have you been playing with the Ferula Gemini?"

"Ferula Gemini?" Sirius asked.

"Don't look at me," Xander said with a shrug. "Sounds like a rabid Pokémon to me."

The red haired woman spoke up," Two Xanders and no Ferula Gemini?"

"Watch he's going to pull a Doc Brown and tell me he's here because of our kids," the other Xander said, nudging Anya with his elbow.

"Huh," Xander said surprised. "That actually is why we're here."

"Seriously?" their waiter (Ahbed) asked as the thin Indian man made his appearance.

"Definitely," Xander assured him. "See we've rescued one of our daughters from a zombie apocalypse and lost her world before finding out about her two sisters. So now we have to find her world again."

"Which requires backtracking," Ahbed said in understanding. "I'm guessing since he shows no sign of knowing his younger self you are travelling not just along the x-axis but the y as well."

"And z axis," Xander said. "I rescued Sirius from the Valley of Death."

"I'm lost," the other Xander said.

"So are they," Ahbed said. "And searching all three axis means you will likely never find your exact daughters again, unless you have their quantum variance recorded."

"I'd settle for rescuing any set," Xander told him. "See I wandered into their world and rescued one of the three, so I want to rescue two more so I'll have a complete set. The infinite other me's can handle the infinite other thems."

"If time travel existed there would be infinite timelines and infinite worlds," the other Xander said remembering what he'd read in an issue of Smallville.

"So my quota is rescuing three daughters and I already have one," Xander agreed.

"Who's the mother?" Dawn demanded.

"Penny's mother is Anya and Willow," Sirius said.

"Me?!" the red haired woman asked in shock.

"Yes, all three have two mothers, Anya and one other," the mage explained. "It required Willow's assistance each time, but she only has the one daughter."

"Am I a good father?" the other Xander asked anxiously.

"Please tell me I'm one of the moms!" the brown haired teen begged.

"I wonder what sort of injury would cause me to need surrogates," Anya said.

"We found her on a world where zombies had wiped out mankind," Xander reminded her.

"All we know is what Penny has told us, which is that Buffy and Dawn are the other sister mothers and one of the daughters was carrying on an affair with Xander with everyone's approval."

"What?!" half a dozen people exclaimed.

"Inspector Spacetime is his own grandfather," Ahbed said comfortingly.

"Inspector Spacetime?" Sirius asked.

"He travels through time and space in a blue police call box," Ahbed said his eyes lighting up as he talked about his favorite show.

"You mean like that Doctor guy?" Sirius asked.

'He's a timelord," Xander replied. "Sounds like someone made his life into a TV show."

"You know someone like Inspector Spacetime?" a young black man asked as he showed up and started passing out plates of food.

"He let me use the bathroom aboard his TARDIS," Xander replied. "Time And Relative Dimension In Space. It allows him to travel all of space and time, looks like a blue police box and is bigger on the inside than the outside."

"The car's bigger," Sirius said proudly.

"Yes, but it's a couple hours walk to find a bathroom," Xander said. "Well unless we use the one at the Porno Hut."

"Porno Hut?" several voices chorused.

"It was a world of zombies, so we refurnished a bit," Sirius explained.

"It's one of the buildings we stole and stuck in the backseat of the car," Xander explained.

"And you chose a porn shop?" Willow asked.

"Nah, that was just a small part of it," Xander said. "We stole large chunks of LA."

"How much room do you have?" Ahbed asked.

"No idea," Xander shook his head.

"So you two are wandering through all of space and time stealing things?" the black waiter asked incredulously.

"Troy, an empty world is a free world," Ahbed told him.

"Oh," he said calming down.

"We did steal dozens of mansions from the Death Eaters," Sirius offered.

"Zombies?" the other Xander guessed.

"Magical Nazi's," Xander explained. "Harriet was targeted for death by magical Hitler so we lent her a hand."

"You lent her a gland, while I took the battle to the enemy," Sirius teased.

"I helped her recover from a stressful time-" Xander replied.

"With his penis," Sirius teased.

"His penis is very comforting," Anya agreed.

"Really?" the brunette asked curiously.

"According to Snape it healed mental wounds," Sirius agreed.

"There are dozens of caulking jokes I could make right now," Troy said.

"I know," Sirius agreed. "So many that we just left the subject alone."

The Xanders chuckled.

"My older sister is the Slayer and I come from a broken home," Dawn said with a sniffle like she was about to cry as she scooted closer to Xander.

"I'll have what he's having," Xander told Ahbed.

"The brunette?" Sirius asked.

"Food!" Xander exclaimed. "I'll have the same food order as he's having."

"Gotcha," Ahbed said. "And you?" he asked Sirius.

"Food and lots of it," the mage replied.

"Noted, be right back," Ahbed promised.

"No illegal poaching," Anya told Dawn. "You can't borrow him until it's no longer a felony."

"Anya!" Willow groaned, while both Xander's stared at her.

"Back to start," Sirius said, ignoring the fact that Troy had pulled up a chair and joined them. "We are here to eat lunch, relax and then drive back into the sea of eternity and rescue two, possibly more, or Xander's daughters. Oh and to steal even larger chunks of LA this time."

"More?" the other Xander asked.

"We are aiming for two, but we may end up in a world where twins or triplets were the norm," Sirius explained. "Or one where Xander knows even more girls to have children that he will then proceed to have sex with."

"Redneck time travelers," Troy said in understanding. "I wondered why all TT's were white."

Xander groaned. "All I know is that in one alternate reality, things were really alternate."

"And yet you still won't love me," Dawn complained.

"But your daughter Electra is a weekly event," Sirius added.

"You're not helping matters," the other Xander said.

"He's not trying to," Xander assured him.

"Is there anyone Xander isn't banging?!" Willow demanded.

"Sunday?" Xander asked wide eyed as a blonde haired woman took a seat next to Willow.

"Sunday?" everyone chorused.

"The lesbian you slept with when you worked at the strip club?" Sirius asked.

"I don't recall sleeping with Tara," the other Xander said.

"But you do recall working at a strip club?" Willow asked.

"I was just the dishwasher," Tara and the other Xander chorused.

Ahbed returned and passed out food including setting places for Troy and himself.

"I met my Tara there, who was going by the name Sunday and wanted to try sex with a man," Xander explained.

"How'd it go?" Tara asked intently.

"Quite well, but that was because of who I was, rather than what I was," he explained.

"I'm lost," Troy said.

"He's saying Tara enjoyed the sex because she'd developed some feelings for him, not because he was male," Ahbed explained making the table nod in understanding.

"Technically Xander is banging everyone in existence," Ahbed said. "It's one of the perils of an infinite universe."

"Xander's cock?" Anya asked.

"Yes," Ahbed agreed. "It's like that Christian hymn he has the whole world in his hands."

"Only with more penis and instead of being in his hands it's his penis is inside you, all of you," Sirius said cheerfully.

"What are we discussing?" Annie a dark haired waitress asked joining the gang.

"Xander's penis and the Big Bang," Dawn replied.

"It's composed of dark matter?" Annie asked confusedly.

"Much too white for that," Anya disagreed. "It needs more sun."

"Did someone call?" Dean asked, joining the group.

"We are traveling in time and space," Xander quickly explained. "We just stopped here for lunch."

"Like Inspector Spacetime?" Annie asked.

"Just with a different vehicle," Xander agreed.

"And looting," Sirius asked.

"I've always wanted to try that," Dean said.

"They mean stealing entire buildings from worlds where man has died out," Ahbed explained.

"Mostly porn shops," Xander admitted.

"And mansions from evil wizards," Sirius added.

"We wouldn't be wanted in other worlds," Troy said, causing the staff of Chang's to exchange uneasy glances.

"Wanted?" Anya asked.

"Well… it started with Annie's boobs," Troy admitted.

"And ended with a riot, some arson and… some unpleasantness involving trained llamas," Ahbed added.

"And twenty three deaths, that we totally weren't responsible for!" Tony finished.

Xander and Sirius exchanged looks.

"Ok," Xander agreed. "We'll take you with us and the restaurant, but it's random where it ends up in the back seat, so pack as if you were going on a weeklong trip and we'll get you when we find a world where you aren't' wanted for multiple counts of murder."

"And inciting a riot and animal cruelty," Troy added.

"We live in the bomb shelter beneath the restraint," Ahbed said. "It's safer."

"And back to start," the other Xander said. "So you're me, but a younger me who's road trip went a bit farther than mine and got to sleep with Tara?"

"Hey!" Willow protested while Tara blushed as much as was humanly possible.

"What?" the other Xander complained. "I think getting to sleep with Tara is worth more than a little jealousy."

"He's got a point," Anya agreed.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Decided not to use this one as there are really not enough Community fans. **


	19. Chapter 19

**Option Ceta**

His memory was more than a little fuzzy. In fact, it was downright hairy! And for some strange reason, that thought sparked a memory. There was a battle and an explosion...

Opening his eyes proved to be a mistake as his poor, abused brain was suddenly slammed with a flood of information that he'd never expected to receive from his eyes. If he had to compare it to something, it would be either Terminator or Robocop and he wasn't sure which one he preferred. And now that he noticed it, the heads up display was still there, just more subdued, providing what would no doubt be a lot of very valuable information if he could read whatever language it was in.

A noise outside the room he was in caught his attention and a half formed thought about wishing he could hear it better caused a jump in sound level as if it was right next to him. "-and as an agent of The Office of Fish and Game, I am fully authorized to take possession of the patient," a man's voice said firmly.

"The patient's system has fully integrated hardware in him, that makes him OSI," another man said.

"He has ... the gland. Only we are authorized to have agents with that particular piece of hardware in them," the first voice said.

"And only we are authorized agents with everything else," the second contended. "And you, stop trying to pick the lock on the door, you aren't fooling anyone."

There was a sound like tinfoil crinkling and a third voice asked, "How did you know I was here?"

"I can see and hear you," the second voice replied. "There is a reason you work for Fish and Game instead of the CIA, not that their agents are any better."

"They have to work naked!" the first voice quickly interjected.

"Yes, however they don't need a specific drug to keep from going insane," the second voice pointed out.

"It would be nice if there was a way to keep them from going nuts," the first voice said. "Something about their condition slowly drives them crazy anyway."

"You have a point there," the second voice agreed.

"There are other people like me?" the third voice asked. "Other than the guy in the other room, I mean."

"They don't have an off switch, and like the movie they have to be naked. They start off crazy and just get worse from there," the first voice explained.

"How did you find out we had someone here who fell in your jurisdiction?" the second voice asked. "Operational security is usually pretty tight around here."

"We have access to the same satalites you use to hack the suspect's migratory patterns," the first voice replied.

"Yeah, but the odds of someone seeing the right data... The CIA told you, didn't they?" the second voice asked with a sigh.

"Yeah, you really pissed them off," the third voice admitted.

"Damn it, Fox! Stop giving away department secrets!" the first voice yelled.

"So how'd you piss them off?" Fox asked, unrepentant.

"I lost my temper and ripped the bumper off their car," the second voice admitted.

"You ripped a bumper off a car?" Fox asked in disbelief. "Did someone inundate the local retirement home with gama radiation?"

"Fox," the first voice said in exasperation, "I told you, Austin is like cyborg superman. He can bend steel with his bare hands, leap small buildings, and break the speed limit on foot."

"Bullshit, Hobbs!" Fox exclaimed. "If that were true, why don't we have an army of supermen?"

"Cost, mainly," Austin replied. "Each agent costs millions to manufacture, and that was back in the seventies."

"Plus, he's nuclear powered," Hobbs added. "Which makes him a serious danger if he gets damaged."

"Now-a-days, I'm only called in to deal with incidents that include nuclear bombs or reactors," Austin explained.

"At least with you, they know where the plutonium goes when it turns up missing," Hobbs said with a chuckle.

"I don't run on D cells," Austin agreed.

"So if it costs so much, how'd the kid in there end up all buffed up?" Fox asked.

"Complicated," Austin said.

"What's that mean?" Fox asked.

"Means it's probably some Area 51 stuff," Hobbs told him.

"Area 51 stuff?" Fox asked. "What does that even mean?"

"Means it's classified," Austin said firmly.

"Classified or not, he has a Quicksilver gland which puts him under our banner," Hobbs said.

"What about the whole radioactive superman bit?" Fox asked.

"OK, that may be a problem," Hobbs admitted.

"Heard enough?" a female voice asked, causing Xander to jump, and with a sound like water being poured on frozen metal, he turned invisible. Opening his eyes, he looked around, absently noting the almost colorless world around him, a huge change from what he'd seen just a minute ago.

"What happened?" Xander demanded.

**AN: I noticed that The 6 Million Dollar Man and The Invisible Man both used Sasquatch as the source of their powers, so I decided to see if I could combine the two, though I did have to include SG1.**

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Just Call Me Harvey**

Anya was worrying herself into a tizzy waiting for Xander to show.

"He'll be here, don't worry," Buffy said trying to comfort the ex demoness.

"What if he had second thoughts?" she worried straightening her wedding dress.

"He'll be here," Willow said. "He wouldn't miss this for the world."

"Thank you," Anya said. "I know the big lug wouldn't run out on me, but then I remember Olaf and how badly that ended…"

"You turned him into a troll," Willow reminded her.

"He cheated on me!" Anya retorted. "A lot!"

"And when he showed up Xander stood up to him," Willow reminded her. "Even though technically he was still your husband so Xander had been sleeping with his wife."

"I banished him from this dimension," Anya argued. "If that doesn't count as a divorce, I don't know what does, besides even though we were engaged he still wouldn't choose me over you."

"He refused to choose either of us over the other," Willow corrected her. "Xander is all about love and loyalty so if you don't want to deal with that…"

"I know," Anya groaned. "That's why I love him. I just think he should love and be loyal to me first!"

"Which would require him to be less loyal and loving to the rest of us, meaning less Xander-y," Willow said, wondering if that was the best way to put it.

Anya sighed. "The things I love about him are also the things that frustrate me."

"Trust me," Willow sighed. "I know the feeling."

The door burst open and Dawn helped a limping Xander in who was clutching his arm across his ribs.

"Xander!" Anya and Willow exclaimed, rushing to his side.

"I don't know what attacked me," Xander said with a wince as the girls half stripped him and started bandaging him, "but it was white, fluffy and had a hell of a bite. Fortunately it apparently doesn't like the taste of Xanders, because after it bit me it left."

Anya paled as she stared at the wound on his arm.

"I know it looks like someone stabbed my arm with a pair of screwdrivers," Xander quickly reassured her, "but it's not that bad, it missed bones, tendons, and veins. I'll be fine."

"No you won't," Anya said sadly.

"What?!" Dawn and Willow exclaimed.

"It's the mark of The Beast. Come Sunday night you'll change," Anya said through her tears. "It's about the only thing that would make me leave."

Silence fell as everyone stared at her.

"I will always remember you," Anya swore. "But I won't stay on the same continent as…" Anya burst into tears and ran off.

Xander stared at his arm in horror.

"We'll find out what it is," Willow swore, hugging Xander.

"And we'll kill it," Buffy promised.

"What do we do now?" Dawn asked, all too aware that they had a church full of people and demons.

"I'll tell them," Buffy offered, seeing that Xander was still staring at his arm and neither Dawn nor Willow were exactly public speakers.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Nothing?" Xander asked holding onto the bars of his cage.

"Nothing we can find," Willow said. "But all the signs point to something like lycanthropy, so you only need to worry about full moons."

"I hope you're right," Xander said as he began to unbutton his shirt.

"What are you doing?" Willow demanded covering her eyes.

"I'm probably going to change and destroy everything I'm wearing," Xander pointed out as he stripped. "So I can either get naked now or we can try and sneak back to my apartment with me naked tomorrow."

"That makes sense," Willow admitted peeking through her fingers as a joke. After it became obvious Xander didn't care she dropped her fingers and watched openly.

Folding up his clothes he handed them to Willow through the bars.

"It'll be ok," she promised.

"I hope so," he said nervously.

"Should I come back later?" Tara asked.

"It's not what it looks like!" Willow exclaimed.

"You're not comforting a friend who's worried about losing his humanity?" Tara asked, having been told in advance by Buffy what was going on.

"Oh," Willow said. "I thought abandoned mansion, naked Xander in cage, and me here looked different."

"Hi," Xander said making no effort to hide or cover up as he waved at Tara.

"Xander!" Willow said quickly stepping in front of him.

"You're blocking my view," Tara complained gently

"You want to see Xander naked?! I thought you didn't like men that way!"

"It's always been about the person not their gender," Tara replied. "And if a friend want's me to see them naked so they'll be sure someone remembers them as they were, just in case they change, I have no problem with that."

"Thanks," Xander said teary eyed.

"Xander," Willow began softly and hugged him through the bars. "You should have said something; I'd have brought a camera."

Tara smiled impishly. "Of course I might also point out that it's another two hours till moonrise."

"Really?" Xander and Willow chorused.

"Willow has her watch programmed to spring forward two hours on Saturday, otherwise she sleeps till noon on Sunday," Tara explained.

"Oh, yeah," Willow said absently. "I stated doing that so I didn't miss brunch."

"So I didn't have to get naked for another couple of hours?"

"Nope," Willow said picking his clothes off the ground and moving them to a table in the back of the cellar.

"I'll get a camera and a couple of rolls of film real quick," Tara promised before leaving.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Is Xander going to be ok?" Dawn asked worriedly as Spike led her to the basement of the mansion where they had Xander caged in preparation for his first change.

"Having a vampire walking around here while he's caged up probably isn't the best thing to show him right now," Spike said wanting to avoid seeing any weepy scenes that might develop. "So how about I wait here?"

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: 'What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?'**


	21. Chapter 21

**Deathless Stars**

The Empire… not The Empire 'of Something' because when you are that powerful you can simply use the first name 'The'. Of course, you still weren't powerful enough to replace your name with a made up symbol and insist on calling yourself The empire Formerly Known as The Empire because for one, everyone would look at you funny and make jokes behind your back that would far outlast your actual existence and for another, someone would simply abbreviate that to TEFKATE, which is what you'd end up referred to rather than your actual title.

***Ahem***

The Empire ruled the majority of known space with a great deal of force and brutality, but lacked a weapon of terror that could be used as its iron fist due to its size. Sure they could have the surface of any world turned to slag with its Star Destroyers, but for an empire of its size, greatness and ego… well it lacked the personal touch.

The Emperor, who must have been one of the most caring individuals in existence, since he not only took over all of known space and ended countless wars, allowing people to live in peace with one another, but he also kept Darth Vader as his second in command, despite the man's horrible disfigurement and numerous crippling injuries, decided he needed something special to showcase the might of The Empire, so in his wisdom he gathered together his top designers and put them to work.

After three months of discussion and a dozen innovative ideas, and half a dozen 'accidental' electrocutions, they presented a design the Emperor approved of, the Death Star…

The costs of building the Death Star were enough to beggar a dozen star systems, but spread over the length and breadth of The Empire, it simply reduced the unemployment rate a good couple of percentage points and encouraged economic growth that continued long past the completion of the project.

Of course the project was not without its problems…

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

In the palatial living quarters of one of the head designers of the Death Star on the Star Destroyer 'Ewoks Must Die!', a trio of designers sat around a stark white coffee table and examined the design.

"OK, I'm not trying to point fingers here, but this section right here looks very familiar," Cog 1 said before leaning back on the stark white couch.

Cog 2 nodded. "I have noticed surface similarities…" he trailed off inviting the third designer to add his thoughts.

Cog 3 rolled his eyes. "I know it's a copy of my room here, but who do you think designed it?"

Cog 1 and Cog 2 looked around the stark white room devoid of any soft curves except for the slope of the room itself and as always their eyes were drawn to the open shaft that took up two thirds of the room and lead straight down to the reactor core.

Cog 1 sighed. "And why not have a rail around the shaft at least?"

Cog 3 grinned and pushed a button on the table summoning an Ewok that he'd had trained as a butler.

The furry little creature with its stubby little limbs and beady eyes scurried forward only to misjudge its position in the nearly featureless white room and fell into the open shaft straight to the reactor core, squealing all the way.

Cog 1 and Cog 2 began to laugh until the smell of burnt hair wafted up the shaft.

"Ugh," Cog 1 groaned. "That's like having the world's biggest pile of bantha crap right here."

Cog 3 nodded. "I know, I forgot to add a thermal exhaust port to take care of the smell."

Cog 2 quickly made some changes to the blueprints.

"What's up with the bio-mechanical creatures in the waste pits?" Cog 3 asked.

Cog 1 raised a hand. "That one is mine. You know how Gungans get into everything? Well…"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"No human crew or conventional AI is going to be able to run it," Cog 2 said as the three gazed at the moon sized frame being assembled in space.

Cog 3 nodded. "The sheer size and number of people required to run it would strip a planet bare of people and require its own government."

"Actually, I have a solution for that," Cog 1 said. "An experimental AI that should be stable enough to run all the critical systems, while using standard AI for the subsystems. It was part of a plan to reduce human roles with AIs that the Emperor scrapped."

"That takes care of half the problem, but what about the crew?" Cog 2 asked.

"I've been working on that and I think I have the solution," Cog 3 said. "Rather than standard clones, which have been shown to be less reliable than we'd like, I was going to use a mixture of DNA from a number of sources and have the Death Star's AI weed out any substandard units while making additional clones of the successful ones."

"Wouldn't the greater variation in units cause an increase in the equipment costs to outfit them?" Cog 2 asked.

"Half the DNA used will be from a single cell sample to keep the physical variations to a minimum."

Cog 1 grinned. "And who might this perfect DNA sample be from?

Cog 3 shook his head. "Not me. Being a trooper would bore the hell out of my DNA. No, I got this beauty from a slave that was perfectly loyal and made his boss a lot of money before someone won him in a bet. Fortunately the owner kept a cell sample."

"What about officers?" Cog 2 asked.

"Strip a bunch of officious idiots from a dozen planets, the Death Star's AI will really run the show and it'll give Lord Vader idiots to kill, a win-win situation."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Just an idle thought on how the Death Star came about.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Birds of a Feather**

As soon as he passed the city limits it was like he'd spent his entire life with his head wrapped in gauze and cotton, not only in his ears but in his brain as well, and someone had just removed it. It reminded him of the way he could see, hear and smell things when he'd been possessed by the hyena spirit except there was a distinct lack of aggressive urges and he didn't feel any stronger than normal.

Hearing some disturbing noises from under the hood, Xander took the first exit he could find and looked for an auto mechanic. Spotting a wrecking yard he pulled in. "Close enough," he muttered.

The first surprise was the size of the place. It seemed to stretch on and on in the distance. The second surprise was the fact that the sign said Shady Cove Automotive Museum and DMV.

Parking, he got out and smiled at the wave of warmth that rose from the asphalt, which replaced the warmth that had vanished with Sunnydale. He hadn't realized he was cold until that moment.

Entering the office he found it looked a bit like a warehouse and there was an old man leaning on the counter, watching a small black and white TV, who looked up when he entered. "Morning young'in, what can I do for you?"

"My car is making some strange noises, so I thought I'd get it looked at."

"Well let's go take a look," the old man said cheerfully.

When they got outside the old man whistled. "I haven't seen one of those on the road in at least 20 years. Pop the hood and let's have a look."

Xander popped the hood and the old man raised it up and looked inside.

"Yeah, while the engine could do with a rebuild it's the engine mounts that are going to go first and by first, I mean the first pot hole you hit."

Xander looked over his shoulder and winced as one actually snapped as they were standing there.

"I think you're in the market for a new vehicle," the old man said with a chuckle.

"Damn, I was planning to see the US and that's going to be a bit tough unless you have some really cheap vehicles," Xander admitted.

"You get what you pay for," the old man said. "Have you considered a motorcycle? It'll stretch your gas budget about tenfold and let you get places cars won't."

"No license," he admitted.

"It's easy to learn and since I'm also the DMV clerk for this little no horse town I can get you licensed in minutes."

Xander perked up, like most guys he'd always wanted to have his own motorcycle. "How much do bikes run?" he asked with a little cautious optimism.

"From cheap to expensive," the old man replied. "Of course the best deal is my 'five hundred dollar build your own' deal."

"Build your own?" Xander asked.

"I've got everything you need to build a bike scattered around my twenty acres. So go find the bits you need and build your own. Heat and boredom get most people, so I end up with half built bikes and they buy one of my completed ones, leaving me to finish it and add it to the ones for sale."

"I don't suppose you have a map with everything listed?" Xander asked.

"Nope, though you can buy parts from me if you can't find them, and if you give up you can turn in a partially completed bike for a five hundred dollar discount on one of the bikes I have for sale."

Xander laughed. "So it's a chance to build a bike and if I fail I really haven't lost anything but a little labor and time, and you get a ½ finished bike you can finish and sell?"

"Exactly," the old man replied cheerfully.

"Can I borrow a truck or golf cart to drive around the lot in?"

The old man laughed. "Would you believe most people don't even bother to ask for that?"

Xander grinned. "My uncle runs a wrecking yard."

The old man tossed him some keys. "Flatbed truck in the back with tools."

**Five Hours Later…**

Xander pulled his bike around to the front and the old man grinned when he saw it.

"Nice work. Looks a mite heavy, but you'll adapt. Now let's get you on the track so I can run you through the licensing requirements."

**An hour later…**

The old man examined the bike one more time. It looked to have been constructed from blue steel and chrome and the tires were solid disks with a featureless black surface you'd think would give no traction but clung to the road like tar. The seat was covered in white leather and the fenders and engine cover in a smooth black material that looked vaguely insectoid. The gas tank had a raised Superman logo as a gas cap on its gleaming silver surface and the built in fuel gauge read full.

"Someone abandoned a half-finished bike in a pile of unsorted stuff or I'd have taken a bit longer," Xander said shaking his head. "The hard part was finding the right tools for all the specialty bolts."

The old man only knew of one unsorted pile and that was all stuff from various local events waiting for the Justice League to get off their lazy asses and collect it. "Were the tools also in the pile?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm probably going to need them as well. Will an extra fifty do?"

"Sure," the old man replied easily. It was no skin off his nose and he wasn't getting paid to store it all anyway. "Let's get you a plate and a license."

Xander was shortly on his way with a California plate that read Bob Fet on the back of his bike.

Xander made sure to keep pace with the surrounding traffic as the speedometer was in the same language as the heads up display in his helmet, which he was still figuring out. He'd counted himself lucky the old man had let him keep the riding gear he'd found, even if it looked a bit like cosplay armor, considering what he'd found with it, it probably was cosplay armor. He'd been tempted to use the skull from the fake skeleton it was on to decorate his handlebars but felt it'd be a bit much. He'd kept the skull just in case he changed his mind later.

LA traffic ensnared him when he hit rush hour and everything slowed to a walking pace so he puzzled out the radio controls on his helmet and picked up the strangest radio play.

"This is the Channel Six news team on the scene where Black Manta is currently holding the governor hostage having grabbed him during the start of the summer regatta. Aquaman has just appeared-

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What do we have on him?" Aquaman asked as he looked at the still form in the infirmary of the JLU.

"Alexander LaVelle Harris, age 19. He's from Sunnydale California, a town which is an enigma in and of itself," Batman replied. "He just received a motorcycle license. Everything else we know about him is form physical observation. He was wearing Yautja armor and carrying a Thanagarian axe. He has scars that we can't identify the source of beyond large and claws. Best guess at this point is he ran into a Yautja who took him as a hunting partner for some reason."

"And the reason he attacked Black Manta and almost killed him?"

"That would be your doing," Batman said.

"What?" Aquaman asked confused.

"You called up the local sea life and ordered it to attack right?"

"Yes…" he admitted wondering where Batman was going with this.

"His DNA has been altered to encompass genes from several different aquatic species including an unknown source that could be a distant offshoot of Atlantean."

"So he was affected by my telepathic call," Aquaman said surprised.

"Yes, and you ordered him to attack, so he did, with a Thanagarian axe."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Robin and the rest of the Teen Titans watched as Batman and a dark haired teen with a black eye materialized in the living room of Titan Towers.

"Hi," Xander said giving a friendly wave that only Starfire responded to.

"Why did you want him to stay here?" Robin asked Batman ignoring Xander.

"I'm kinda curious about that myself," Xander admitted. "Why am I doing this?"

"You need training to prevent a repeat of today's events and to avoid prosecution," Batman said bluntly.

"Prosecution?" Cyborg asked raising an eyebrow.

"Not my fault the DA is in someone's pocket," Xander replied with a shrug.

"Are you claiming to be innocent?" Batman demanded.

"Nope, but I don't consider the death of a mass murderer a crime, even if I wasn't being controlled at the time. The only way I would be prosecuted for his death is if someone in power was trying to railroad me."

"And the Thanagarian axe?" Batman demanded.

"Legally mine and you can't prove otherwise. I'll expect it's return when I leave here."

"The Justice League-" Batman began.

"Doesn't have the legal authority to keep any of my possessions," Xander interrupted. "I agree with keeping it out of my hands while I can be controlled by others, but once I'm no longer Aquaman's bitch I'll expect my property returned to me."

"Aquaman's bitch?" Beastboy asked.

"You know how blondy can telepathically control sea life?" Xander asked.

"He has a partial DNA graft of Atlantean DNA," Batman explained. "It makes him vulnerable. And I still don't have a decent explanation for that."

"Swim team coach went nuts, that's all you need to know," Xander said flatly.

"We'll see," Batman said before tapping a button on his belt and vanishing.

"So what happened?" Robin demanded.

"I was driving along minding my own business when the next thing I know I'm in the infirmary on the Watchtower. Apparently the telepathic command to 'stop him' was translated as 'chop up with axe'. "

"Dude, you count as sea life?" Beastboy asked.

"I had an insane swim team coach who screwed with the DNA of the entire team using a variety of sources. I was the only one who survived and didn't become a mindless monster."

"What happened to the swim coach?" Robin demanded.

"Tragic story of monster devoured by his own creations," Xander replied.

"You don't sound that broken up," Robin accused.

"Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent," Xander said daring Robin to argue. "If you save the life of a mass murderer you bear some of the guilt for his future crimes."

Robin repressed the urge to groan. This had 'long day' written all over it.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Rufus**

Kim and Shego were a blur as they exchanged blows, the green glow of Shego's plasma blasts mixing with the swirl of Kim's long red hair to add a festive air.

"Did you reverse the polarity?" Ron asked.

The blue skinned villain checked the placement of the two glowing blue orbs in front of them. "I think I did. You grab the right one, I'll grab the left, but be sure we don't touch each other while holding them!"

"Fine, I'll be careful," Ron promised, so used to being berated in that exact tone of voice that he automatically helped Drakken.

The click as the two orbs settled into place was startlingly loud in the sudden silence as the world slowed to a crawl around the two.

"Whoa!" Ron said as he looked around and saw Kim frozen in midair as she dodged one of Shego's plasma blasts.

"Damn right whoa!" Drakken said proudly. "Huh, didn't expect it to affect you too, but the riddle to claim the orbs did say something about a pair."

"Claim the orbs?" Ron asked.

"We had to do the whole Indiana Jones experience to get them," Drakken said with a broad smile.

"Hidden temples and Nazi's?" Ron joked.

"Exactly!"

"Nazi's?" Ron asked in shock.

"The right orb had nearly a battalion of time frozen soldiers and a brain in a jar with an H on it as guards."

"You don't think…" Ron trailed off.

"I had Shego boil it with a plasma blast and that set off a self-destruct that took out the Nazi's," he admitted. "Could have been Himmler for all we know, but nothing good comes from a Nazi brain in a jar."

"I hear that," Ron agreed. "Now I feel bad for beating whatever scheme this was."

"You didn't stop it," Drakken said. "You helped me finish it. This scheme worked!"

"What?!"

"It's finished," Drakken assured him.

"I-I helped you take over the world?" Ron said paling.

Drakken waved it off. "No, this was a purely selfish scheme that cost ten times one of my normal schemes, but it worked!"

"What was this scheme?" Ron demanded, wondering what he'd done.

"How many times do you hit snooze in the morning?" Drakken asked out of left field.

"Nearly a dozen," Ron admitted. "But morning just comes so early!"

"What would you pay to actually get another hour to sleep every time you hit the snooze button without it making you late?"

"First born male child," Ron replied instantly.

"Well that's what this was about," Drakken assured him. "I glue one those orbs to the snooze on my alarm clock and set the snooze for six seconds and every time I hit the orb a field of nonlinear time compression turns that six seconds into a full hour of non-relative time where you are restricted to a six foot sphere and can't affect anything outside it."

"I am in complete awe of you right now," Ron admitted. "And my jealousy is off the charts!"

"We're both affected," Drakken said. "It's not safe to have the orbs near each other and only we can touch them now. Take the orb you already touched, just remember not to touch me when I hold my own orb." Drakken removed the tennis ball sized orb and put it in his pocket.

The other orb vanished into Ron's fanny pack so quickly you'd think he'd learned to stop time.

"The only downside is I spent so much I have to put off all my plots until after the summers over," Drakken admitted.

"Take a vacation," Ron suggested. "That volcanic island lair last month really rocked. Claim you're rebuilding that lair and let Shego and the Henches catch some sun while doing so."

"Plane tickets are expensive but I've got enough slush funds to cover it, however the money I have available is scheduled to rebuild this lair," Drakken said glumly. "I suppose I could use one to cover the other but it screws up my budget."

"You could just rewire the self-destruct to do superficial damage so we can all run screaming as normal but it's cheap to fix," Ron suggested.

"That's brilliant," Drakken said. "Help me get the panel off and we'll rewire it."

**Five time compressed minutes later…**

"Done," Drakken said. "Now we only have another fifty five minutes to wait."

"I suppose it's too much to hope you have a deck of cards on you?"

"As a matter of fact I do," Drakken replied. "I confiscated it off one of the henches on duty."

**Fifty two time compressed minutes later…**

"Got any twos?" Ron asked.

"Go fish," Drakken replied.

Shego and Kim stopped fighting and turned to find their partners playing cards.

"Uh, guys?" Kim called out.

"Are you two done already?" Ron asked reluctantly handing his cards back to Drakken.

"What do you mean done?" Shego growled out, her hands dripping green plasma.

"He means we known how much you enjoy a good fight and we were willing to wait until you felt you were done," Drakken said quickly, having a lot of experience in defusing Shego's temper.

"So you played cards?" Kim asked incredulously.

"Device backfired and we were stuck in compressed time," Ron explained. "It was either cards or take a nap."

"Oh," Kim said as an awkward silence descended on the room as everyone waited for something to happen.

"Anyone mind if I hit the self-destruct?" Ron asked.

"Please," everyone chorused.

Rufus leapt onto the button and everyone gave a relieved sigh as the countdown started and they were all back on familiar ground.

"Well that was surreal," Kim said once they were safely aboard a Global Justice aircraft.

"No, surreal is the conversation I had with Doc," Ron said. "Did you know that the reason he can't remember my name is because of a traumatic incident as a kid and that his shrink is the one who suggested he become a super villain?"

"No way!"

"Yes way," Wade chipped in over the Kimmunicator. "At least on the incident. A genetically engineered purple mascot and an exploding shake machine are why he is the way he is, it's also why McRibs are sold for exactly two weeks out of the year as a memorial slash tribute."

"That is surreal," Kim agreed.

"I can top it," Ron said.

"I'm not sure I want you to," Kim admitted.

"What's the average lifespan, IQ, and strength of a naked mole rat?" Ron asked.

"About a tenth of what Rufus has displayed," Wade admitted leaning forward eagerly. "You won't let me run a DNA scan or acquire some female mole rats so we can find out if he's a mutant or alien or what!"

Rufus climbed onto Ron's shoulder with a smirk on his face.

"Remember the device that increased IQ's but only worked on me?" Ron asked, waiting for them to nod. "How about a mood altering device that turned me into a genius world conqueror?"

"Yeah, but I'm not seeing a connection," Wade admitted.

"Neither am I," Kim added.

"Normal people have invisible friends," Ron said.

"Are you saying Rufus is an imaginary friend?" Kim demanded after she puzzled out what he was implying.

"A chunk of my psyche and I don't know how much psionic energy," Ron admitted.

"I always said you shared a brain with him, but I didn't know it was literal," Wade said.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Tulpas!**


	24. Chapter 24

**Dogmeat**

Janus grinned as he watched Ethan set up shop in Sunnydale. It had only taken a few nudges to encourage him to act. He quite liked Ethan even though he could be a bit of a bastard at times he admitted with a chuckle. Suddenly hands clasped themselves over all four of his eyes.

"Guess who?" a voice rang out, a bit muffled so Janus couldn't immediately place it.

"Hmm, you'd have to be powerful to be able to sneak up on me," Janus said. "And to get the eyes on both my faces at once means multiple hands, so I'm guessing Hindu, which narrows it down to two, as most of the pantheon doesn't have enough power and humor to bother to pull this off."

"Give up?"

**That night…**

Xander put on the fatigues and dog tags he'd found in a small box in the basement, glad that his mother's pack rat tendencies had come through for him again. Still he had to wonder, what kind of name was Remo anyway?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Remo stumbled and shook off the wave of dizziness that had hit him and froze in shock. He wasn't in his body!

"Xander! Xander!" the red headed girl started running up to him.

Remo quickly took stock of the situation, he was in an unknown situation in the body of a pansy in the midst of god knows what. "The name's Remo miss," he said calmly, hiding his confusion.

"Oh no, it got you too!" she worried.

"What got me?"

"Listen carefully, you aren't who you think you are," she said quickly. "Your name is Xander Harris and you dressed as a soldier for Halloween but something's gone wrong and we've all turned into our costumes."

"What did you dress as?" he asked, his eyes running up and down her skimpily dressed form.

Willow blushed heavily. "I had this on under my ghost costume."

A scream rang out from a girl with some impressive lungs.

"Buffy!" Willow exclaimed. "Please you have to help me save Buffy!"

"Let's go," Remo said moving the body he was in as fast as he deemed safe since it lacked his, or any in his opinion, conditioning.

Willow blessed her incorporealness, as being able to run through objects was the only thing that allowed her to keep up with Xander, who seemed to glide over and around obstacles like they didn't exist.

Remo took in the scene at a glance seeing a young lady in medieval garb cowering against a tree as what appeared to be two small red horned devils taunted her.

"They're children!" Willow cried out as he raised the rifle he was carrying to fire.

Fortunately he caught her words in time to shift his aim, sending a line of bullets to stitch the ground in front of the two devils and send them fleeing.

"Everyone turned into their costume, remember?" Willow asked anxiously.

"Non-lethal," he replied with a nod as he decided he was going to find out who was behind this and make his feelings about trying to trick him into harming children known.

"Buffy, we're here to rescue you," Willow said.

The young lady dressed as a noblewoman looked at the way Willow was dressed.

**Ten minutes later…**

"Drop her there," Willow said pointing to Buffy's bed. "How long will she be out for?"

Remo set the spoiled noble on her bed. "Until well after sunrise," he replied as they left, locking the door behind them.

"Thanks for…" she trailed off unable to think of how she should put it.

"It's no problem," he assured her. "I'm sure she's normally a barrel of laughs, but royalty is generally scum."

"Thanks," she said and a scream sounded from just outside the house.

"Hold that thought," he said with some amusement before gliding down stairs and out the front door in an unhurried pace that Willow couldn't keep up with.

By the time Willow managed to reach the front door it was over and Remo was escorting Cordelia up the walk. Cordelia was of course complaining about her costume being damaged and acting like it was Xander's fault.

**Thirty seconds later…**

"Just put her there," Willow said, pointing to Mrs. Summer's bed.

Remo placed her on the bed.

"She's going to be seriously angry when she wakes up," Willow said.

"She gets worse?" Remo asked doubtfully.

"Kind of? Louder anyway," she replied as the two went downstairs.

"Now what?" he asked when they reached the living room.

"Now I go get Giles while you keep them safe," Willow said. "I can't be touched so I'll be fine."

Remo opened his mouth to say something but instead spun around and leapt at the figure that just entered the room.

Angel was just entering the living room when a green blur hit him and he found himself on the floor with Xander Harris on top of him.

"Don't tell me this one's in costume?" Remo asked, a hand drawn back like a snake above Angel's heart.

"No, but he's a friend," she quickly said.

"A blood drinker?" Remo asked, doubt in his voice.

"Cursed by gypsies to have a soul and help us hunt vampires," she quickly rattled off.

Xander's eyes looked like chips of obsidian as he stared at Angel as if weighing his soul. "Why are you here?"

"I came to make sure Buffy was ok," Angel said slowly. "It's chaos out there."

Xander got up off Angel, satisfied by the resolve in his voice. "He can guard them, let's go."

"I-I don't want you to get hurt, or get my Xander hurt," Willow said worriedly.

"I've yet to see anything I would consider a threat," he promised her. "The sooner we get this done the sooner you get him back."

"Ok," Willow said, "Follow me."

The two set off at a quick jog, since Willow wasn't a track star and could only run so fast despite not having a body. Fortunately Buffy's house wasn't all that far from the high school and they made it in record time with Willow beating Xander inside and causing Giles to spill his coffee.

Remo made it inside just in time to hear Giles say, "Ethan that bloody bastard. You stay here; I'll take care of this."

"I'm going with you," Remo said. "I have a few words to say to the man who almost made me hurt children."

"I-" Giles began when he caught Xander's eyes and found himself backing down. "Fine, but I get to beat him first."

Remo followed Giles outside. "What is that?" he asked as he spotted Giles' car.

"It's a classic," Giles said with a scowl.

Remo backed off, hiding his amusement. "Classic doesn't mean speedy," he pointed out.

"Just get in," Giles ordered. Shortly the two were off at speeds Remo was pretty sure he could match even if the body he was in was woefully out of shape.

Remo wondered briefly if he took all this in stride because he had run across stranger things or because the body he was in was used to such things. How much of a person was body and how much was soul?

While Giles muttered things that boded ill for Ethan's continued ability to not piss blood, Remo concentrated on his breathing. The body he was in breathed all wrong, robbing it of most of its strength. Rather than have to keep his concentration split to ensure he breathed correctly, he took the opportunity to program his subconscious to engrave it in muscle memory.

"We're here," Giles said pulling to a stop in front of Ethan's costume shop.

**Typing by : The Last Primarch!**

**AN: I also haven't seen enough Destroyer crosses!**


	25. Chapter 25

**BTVS-EVA Loop**

"Combined loop?" Shinji asked Xander, hoping he was looping as well.

"Looks like," Xander agreed as he made his bed, which mainly consisted of folding it back into the couch. He'd taken over the basement when he started high school so his younger brother Shinji could have his own room.

"Anything I need to know?"

"Standard Sunnydale so far," Xander replied with a shrug. "You are my younger brother, Asuka is Willow's younger sister and… I can't feel my subspace pocket."

Shinji quickly checked his own and found it absent as well. "That's…strange and worrying."

"No time to deal with it now," Xander said. "We have to go get Willow and Asuka. We'll work on the pockets after school."

"How's Asuka?" Shinji asked, wanting a heads up since his memory was still trickling in and would be for hours, while Xander was probably already up to date, this being his home loop.

"Common for that remade world where Rei was a more normal albino girl," Xander said after a moment's thought.

"I liked that world," Shinji said thoughtfully. "Rei was almost as lively as Asuka and it was a million times brighter than my home loop."

"Hell is brighter than your home loop," Xander said bluntly. "I mean, parts of it can be fun, but for most of humanity, Hell would be a relief."

The two gathered their school supplies together and left out the basement exit, since Xander's parents were major drunks in this world, as they often were.

Asuka and Willow were just coming out the door as they arrived. Asuka immediately jumped on Shinji making sure he was dressed properly and had everything he needed for school while berating him for being forgetful.

"Morning Xander," Willow said cheerfully, her smile gaining an extra hundred watts from his presence, the fact that she was dressed in red coveralls and a fluffy blue sweater just enhanced how young and innocent she looked.

Xander offered her his arm much to her surprise as they walked. "Greetings my chief concubine, how is today's outlook?" he asked in a majestic voice.

"How come she gets the chief concubine spot?" Asuka demanded, used to flirting with Xander as she was crushing on him a little bit, but mainly because it annoyed Shinji.

"Because you're my chief concubine," Shinji said much to Asuka's shock. "Only one chief concubine to a harem."

"So, I'm your chief concubine?" Willow asked Xander, her face a solid red, but hoping she could use his joke to make him realize she was in fact a girl and therefore datable.

"The head of my harem," Xander assured her. "Any other girls will either have to be approved by you or kill a demon to gain entrance."

"Your balls finally drop?" Asuka asked Shinji sarcastically.

"Yep, wanna see?" he offered. Before she could explode he quickly broke into the Your Favorite Martian's song 'You Ain't seen my Balls', which kept the two girls laughing too hard to say anything until Xander and Willow left the younger two at the bus stop to continue on to school.

"And what are a harem girl's duties?" Willow asked once they'd gotten far enough away that their younger siblings couldn't hear.

"Until we either find girls you want to include or demon hunters, the head concubine, coincidentally serves the exact same duties as a girlfriend," Xander said.

"R-really?" Willow asked wondering if she was dreaming.

Xander stopped, turned her towards him, leaned down and kissed her, not coming up until air became an issue. "Really," he assured her pulling the stunned girl along by the hand.

"About damn time," Asuka muttered, a little jealous but mostly happy for her sister as the two turned the corner at the end of the block.

"It is the traditional way to welcome a girl to your harem," Shinji said giving her an expectant look.

Asuka turned away, her face a bright red and leaned against Shinji not moving away, but turned so he couldn't kiss her.

Shinji wrapped an arm around her, he was in no rush.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Is there something I should know?" Jessie asked as the pair arrived at school.

"She's mine, you can't have her," Xander said hugging her possessively.

Willow's smile would have taken C4 to remove, so naturally Cordelia and her sheep chose to but in.

"See girls, even a hopeless loser can get a guy provided she's willing to put out," Cordelia said snidely.

"Did I ask for a comment from the slut gallery?" Xander asked. "Man you're mouthy when you don't have a dick in it."

Cordelia was so shocked at someone talking back to her like that she actually froze for a second.

"You can't talk to her like that!" Aura squealed.

"I know, I know," Xander said apologetically, before asking in as innocent a voice as possible, "Pay first and only while sucking. Was it an extra ten or twenty to have her swallow?"

A red faced Cordelia Chase stormed off with her speechless groupies in tow.

"Dude, harsh!" Jessie said angrily.

"Dude," Xander said firmly to get his attention. "Verbal assaults on my girlfriend will be answered in kind. I won't go out of my way, but I won't let her insult someone I love either."

Jessie sighed. "I can see where you are coming from, but I'm going to have to distance myself from you two for a while, sorry bro."

"Chase the dream," Xander said and bumped fists with him.

As Jessie turned and walked away, Willow said, "You love me?"

"Since I first met you, I just had a problem showing it," he admitted.

"You're doing an excellent job," Willow said, almost positive she was asleep and dreaming.

Comparing schedules, Xander saw they only had half their classes together. "Looks like I need to switch some classes," he said. "I have to see a man about a schedule, see you in class."

Getting a peck on the lips before he departed Willow decided she was dreaming no doubt about it. Xander loved her, was kissing her and going to take harder classes so they could spend more time together. She was definitely dreaming, still even in a dream she couldn't be late to class. Homeroom passed quickly and Willow waited patiently hoping her dream logic would allow Xander to join her advanced classes since he was taking enough time to be testing out of his old ones.

First period rolled around and Willow joined her civics class which was required for all students. She took a seat on the right hand side three back from the front row, as psychologists had shown that teachers responded best to students in that area.

Cordelia saw Willow sitting alone and smirked, seeing a chance to regain some points. Aware that her 'friends' were listening she decided not to let up until she'd completely shredded the bookworm's self-esteem and sent her running home in tears. "I see you found the softer side of Sears," Cordelia started out, already planning on how to respond to either denial or Willow's showing ignorance of fashion.

"I'm Jewish," Willow responded out of left field, leaving Cordelia with no ready response. "My people tend to choose their life mates based on intelligence and compassion rather than their looks and money, which are transitory."

Cordelia narrowed her eyes by how well Willow had deflected the insult and prepared to snip at Xander's obvious faults.

"Miss Johnson?" Willow called out raising her hand.

Cordelia straightened up, trying to look like she hadn't been talking to Willow, but feeling slightly smug that Willow was going to undercut herself socially by snitching.

"Yes, Ms. Rosenberg?"

"What's the term for breeding for the look of the offspring and usually incest is involved?"

"Sounds like dog breeding," Miss Johnson admitted. "I'm not too knowledgeable about it, but I would suggest avoiding it as the results may look pretty but have reduced intelligence and can have a host of medical problems that aren't visible at first glance."

Willow snapped her fingers. "A puppy mill."

"That's it exactly," Miss Johnson agreed.

"Thanks that's all I needed," Willow said allowing the teacher to return to taking roll.

Cordelia decided to lay off Willow. She may have been a bookworm but she had teeth, which made her at least respectable if not one of the in-crowd.

Harmony frowned, not sure what to think. Normally a confrontation with a social inferior ended in tears, not with the loser unphased and Cordelia looking… satisfied?

**Typing by : The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Just an idle thought.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Technique Acquisition**

The fox observed his container absorbing the knowledge and memories of his clones, once Mizuki was defeated and an idea occurred to him. All he had to do was change it so the little monkey absorbed knowledge from any chakra he came in contact with…

"What are you doing?" the chakra ghost of the fourth hokage asked, coming out of the shadows, ready to reinforce the seal with his remaining lifeforce.

"Giving the runt a bloodline," the fox said while carefully enhancing the brat's ability to sense and absorb foreign chakra.

"And why would you do that?"

"The longer he lives, the greater a chance for me to escape," the fox replied absently.

The forth relaxed a bit, finding the fox' reasoning selfish but beneficial to his son. "And what will this new bloodline do?"

"He'll be able to sense, absorb, and gain knowledge from a wider range of chakra sources," the fox explained grudgingly.

"Like the Sharingan?" the fourth asked when it became apparent the fox was done talking.

"If he survives a chakra based attack he can duplicate it, if he's touching someone and they use a technique he can copy it."

"If an attack leaves a strong enough residue for him to absorb…" the fourth said in wonder.

"He'll gain knowledge of not only what was used but who used it and what they were thinking," the fox said smugly as he finished his work.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

It was like a tingling in his extremities, if his extremities extended a dozen feet from his body. It had crept up slowly after the last two weeks but asking the few adults he knew and trusted just led to him getting 'the talk' from four different people and a couple of books to read.

It snapped into focus during a free spar with Sasuke…

"Phoenix fire jutsu!" Sasuke called out, shooting a large ball of flame at Naruto, or rather one of his clones and watched with some satisfaction as it vanished.

Naruto turned and in a near match for Sasuke called out, "Phoenix fire jutsu!" sending an even larger ball of flame at him.

Sasuke froze in shock, forcing Kakashi to save him.

"How long have you been working on that?" Kakashi asked Naruto as he appeared beside him, setting Sasuke down.

"Working on it?" Naruto asked.

"On learning Sasuke's favorite jutsu," Kakashi pointed out.

"I haven't," Naruto began only to get blindsided by Sakura.

"You could have killed him, you moron!" she yelled, her anger lending strength to her blows as she started wailing on him.

***WHAM***

Sakura hit the ground with a thud as Naruto's glare faded and he stared at his right fist as if it had betrayed him.

"Reflex?" Kakashi asked Naruto.

Naruto nodded dumbly, not looking at the unconscious Sakura.

"Looks like a broken nose," Kakashi said after examining her. "I'll run her to the hospital, you two stay here."

After Kakashi had left Sasuke turned to Naruto. "How did you learn that jutsu?"

"I don't know," Naruto admitted.

"You don't have the Sharingan," Sasuke said. "So how did you copy it?"

"I didn't see the jutsu, I felt it!" Naruto snapped coming out of his **haze**.

"Felt it?" Sasuke demanded.

"Yeah, you'd just hit me with it and then I knew!" Naruto yelled.

"Hit you with it and you just knew," Sasuke said trying to puzzle it out.

"Yeah," Naruto said.

"Make a clone," Sasuke ordered.

"Why?"

"Just do it," Sasuke ordered.

"Shadow clone jutsu," Naruto called out creating a half dozen clones.

"Come with me."

**A/N: Stole the idea from El Hazard.**

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	27. Chapter 27

**Unused Bit**

"A c-rank please," Kakashi requested, surprising everyone.

"A c-rank?" Sarutobi asked. "Are you certain they're ready for it?"

"No, but they are close to revolting and the additional pressure and around the clock observation should allow me to discover something more about Naruto's new jutsus," the silver haired nin replied.

"If you'd actually teach me I wouldn't have to go elsewhere," Naruto snorted.

"I have a schedule for the training of my students," Kakashi replied. "I'm not going to alter it. We have a lot more team building exercises to go through before I start handing out jutsu."

"Sure," Naruto replied. "Like your entire plan isn't completely transparent. Train Sasuke to Chunin, him being the easiest and quickest to train up, pass the exam, dissolve team seven, go back to being a bum. Mizuki's taught me more than you have."

"You've invented more jutsu?" Iruka asked, trying to change the subject and break the tension in the room.

"Basic elemental attacks," Naruto said with a grin.

"Seal-less," Kakashi pointed out, his eyes darting towards the fox' seal.

"Chakra-less," the demon container smirked.

"How is that possible?" Iruka asked.

"Clan secret," Naruto replied.

"Can you prove it?" Kakashi demanded.

"That would require revealing clan secrets," Naruto said with an evil grin that showed he understood what a catch 22 was.

"How are Kakashi's team building exercises designed to help Sasuke?" Iruka asked.

"They're all about following Sasuke's orders so he gets command experience," Naruto replied.

"All of the exercises leave it up to you three to decide who is in charge for them," Kakashi defended himself.

"Sasuke always chooses himself and **Haruna's** lips are glued to his ass," Naruto replied. "So no there really is no choice. I offered to either take turns or flip a coin, so don't act like I'm the one being unreasonable here."

"You're unusually quiet," Iruka told Sakura.

"I don't want to get hit," Sakura replied angrily.

"I told you, you can say whatever you want but if you raise your hand to me you'll feel the strength of my pimp hand!"

"You shouldn't be hitting your teammates," Kakashi said shaking his head.

Naruto shrugged. "Then she shouldn't be hitting me. Hit me outside a spar and I'll defend myself. Not once have I smacked her for just being a mouthy bitch. It's not my fault her mouth is connected to her fist."

"A c-rank probably would be best," Sarutobi agreed. "It sounds like you can all use some time to work things out, and I have a mission that should give you that time.

**A/N: Decided to go another way in Heads or Tails.**

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	28. Chapter 28

**Heads or Tails 3**

**Part 1 and 2 : Yet More Fragments chapters 57 & 58**

Naruto turned to his two teammates, Sakura was panting and out of breath while Sasuke looked a bit winded. "You may wonder why I brought you to this specific clearing and if you aren't you should be."

Sasuke looked around the clearing while Sakura caught her breath. "The trees are a bit larger than the other ones in this area of forest and there's a convenient river," he noted.

"Right," Naruto agreed. "And it's also a very convenient area to arrange for a training accident that removes the deadweight from my team and enriches my own pocketbook." Half a dozen nin with slashed hitai-ate marking them as missing nin stepped out of the edges of the clearing surrounding them.

"Traitor!" Sasuke snarled, showing more open and honest emotions than Naruto was used to seeing from him.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru purred as he stepped out of the shadows. "You look almost perfect. I can't wait to breed you!"

"My payment?" Naruto reminded him.

"Of course," Orochimaru replied, pulling a small bag of coins out of his pocket and tossing it to him.

Naruto caught the bag and opened it up. "Silver coins?" he asked with a frown. "This wasn't what we agr-URK!" A sword burst through his chest interrupting what he'd been about to say. Sasuke and Sakura stared in horror as Naruto's limp body fell to the ground, the nin behind him casually wiping off his sword with a rag before sheathing it.

The most feminine of the jounin chuckled. "Thirty pieces of silver, too bad no one here will get the reference."

"You bastard!" Sasuke snarled his anger at Naruto forgotten as he stared at his still bleeding corpse. "I'll kill you!"

Orochimaru smirked and flooded the clearing with killing intent dropping both genin and even a couple of his own men. "Please you're just a tool, and not even a very useful one really, more a toy. One I'm going to enjoy playing with," he leered. "Kill the girl; she's of no use to me."

"No!" Sasuke just managed to deflect a lazily thrown kunai with his own.

Orochimaru grinned and gestured to another one of his nin on the other side so they both threw kunai at Sakura at the same time.

"I won't let you kill her!" Sasuke snarled as he deflected both kunai with one in each hand.

Orochimaru chuckled and nodded to another nin with a smirk on his lips.

Standing over Sakura, Sasuke deflected another two and took the remaining kunai in the back of his left leg. "Arrgh!"

"Try not to maim his ass," Orochimaru said with a leer while gesturing for another nin to start throwing kunai as well.

Sasuke managed to deflect up to six at a time before one got past and gouged Sakura's shoulder. His eyes narrowed and his teeth ground together as he heard her cry. He redoubled his efforts just managing to keep up with the increasing number of blades being thrown.

Orochimaru burst out laughing, a strangely cheerful sound as he gestured and all the nin vanished in bursts of smoke as did the kunai littering the ground. The killing intent cut off like a switch had been flipped.

"What?!" Sasuke asked confused by the sudden change in atmosphere.

Naruto's bloody corpse vanished in a puff of smoke as did Orochimaru's countenance, revealing a perfectly fine and slightly amused Naruto.

"You bastard!" Sasuke exclaimed when he realized it had all been Naruto and his shadow clones.

"That's bastard-sensei to you," Naruto replied. "How is the Sharingan usually awakened?" Naruto asked in a seeming non sequitur.

"Battle," Sasuke said slowly.

"Sakura what color are Sasuke's eyes?" Naruto asked.

"A beautiful-" Sakura began, climbing to her feet, holding her bleeding shoulder.

"Look at your reflection in the water," Naruto interrupted.

Sasuke quickly limped over to the river, ignoring the bleeding wounds on his thighs. "I have the Sharingan!"

"This was all…what?" Sakura asked confused and holding her injured shoulder.

"The Sharingan is most easily awakened when the user is in battle and believes his life is in danger, so it was either wait until an actual battle, where lives were on the line, try a risky medical procedure, or put on a play like I just did," Naruto replied.

"And it was necessary to stab us?" Sakura demanded.

"It's the easiest way to convince you both it was real and truthfully… I've been wanting to stab you both since the bell test," he replied easily. "Now, Sakura why were you just lying there through the whole battle?"

"Because I was still trying to catch my breath when they attacked and then because I didn't want to distract Sasuke," Sakura admitted.

"Very good," Naruto said in approval. "That was actually the right thing to do. If you can't help a situation, at least avoid making it worse."

Sasuke ignored the two, looking around the world with new eyes and an actual smile on his face, clearly in a world of his own.

"So why were you out of breath when the two of us were both well enough to fight?" Naruto asked.

"Because I don't have as much stamina as you guys do," Sakura said with some heat.

"First you recognize a problem…" Naruto began and waited.

"And then you solve it," Sakura said with a sigh. "Here's a problem I recognize, we're bleeding," she deadpanned.

"Flesh wounds," Naruto dismissed it taking a scroll out of his jacket and tossing it to her.

"What's this?" Sakura asked opening the scroll and reading it.

"A very old, very basic medical technique," Naruto replied. "Med-nin sneer at it because all it really does is close wounds and prevent scarring without healing the underlying damage."

"But all I've got is a shallow cut," Sakura said before smacking herself in the forehead. "Stupid, this would be perfect for that."

"It also uses a lot more chakra than modern techniques," Naruto told her. "Easy to learn though."

"Yeah," Sakura said absently already deeply enamored in the scroll.

"Yo, Sasuke," Naruto called out to get his attention.

"Yeah?" Sasuke replied focusing on him with the Sharingan.

"I activated your Sharingan so I can show you what it is and isn't good for," Naruto told him.

Sasuke snorted. "I think I know a little more about it than you do."

"Watch this technique," Naruto said and made a ram sign, gathering his chakra in his feet he walked up the side of a tree and back down. "Now you try."

Sasuke grinned widely, Sharingan spinning as he made the ram sign, gathered his chakra and took two steps up the tree before sliding down to land flat on his back. "What the hell?!"

"You aren't the same weight as I am and you weren't stepping in the same spots as I was," Naruto explained. "The Sharingan allows you to copy what I did, but an exact copy won't help when the circumstances call for something similar but tailored to you."

"Copying someone drawing a self-portrait won't give me a picture of myself," Sasuke said as he climbed to his feet, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Exactly," Naruto agreed, surprised Sasuke had gotten it so quickly. "Now have Sakura fix your legs or at least stop the bleeding so you don't attract predators."

Sakura had rolled up her sleeve to expose her shoulder and wasn't paying attention to the two as she carefully made several handsigns and placed a glowing blue hand over the cut in her shoulder, removing it a moment later to reveal smooth, though still bloody skin.

"IS there a reason I can't copy that?" Sasuke asked.

"Your cuts don't match so it wouldn't heal correctly," Naruto explained glad Sasuke was actually thinking things through. "However you do know the handsigns and how to focus your chakra thanks to the Sharingan, so you could use the jutsu without copying it so it'd function correctly."

Closing his eyes and concentrating Sasuke slowly went through the handsigns a couple of times before he had it down. Opening his eyes he ran through the handsigns and focused his chakra only to find he had another problem. "I can't reach back there that easily and I'm not sure I want to risk screwing it up because of an awkward angle."

"Thinking things through and accepting you can't do everything yourself," Naruto said. "You are beginning to impress me."

"I'm not that bad," Sasuke said rolling his eyes.

"Not at the moment, no," he agreed cheerfully. "Sakura would you care to heal our teammate?"

"Sure," Sakura agreed, happy to be able to lay hands on Sasuke and help him, only to frown as she examined the wound.

"Well?" Sasuke asked after a minute.

"I-I don't think I should use this jutsu on it," Sakura admitted. "The scroll said it was for shallow cuts and surface abrasions only. In fact there's a warning that using it on stab wounds could cause serious medical complications."

"You knew," Sasuke said turning to Naruto. "That's why you nailed me there with a kunai, so I couldn't use the jutsu and would ask Sakura who would know not to use it."

"But why?" Sakura asked confused.

"Because I needed to learn that there was more to a jutsu than just knowing the handsigns and being able to use it," Sasuke said eyeing Naruto like he was someone he'd never seen before.

Naruto tossed another scroll to Sakura. "The jutsu used to heal stab wounds when you don't have a mednin available. It's not nearly as effective and wastes chakra so it fell into disuse."

"How many more lessons have you got planned?" Sasuke asked.

"Tons, that's what we're here for," Naruto replied.

"I mean, how many more lessons where I have to see underneath the underneath?" Sasuke asked.

"Just one," Naruto replied. "I thought it would be much harder to get you to accept the limitations of your bloodline."

"Every bloodline has limits," Sasuke admitted, "even mine."

"Yeah, but the fact that the Copy Wheel Eye is poorly suited to copying jutsu is usually kind of a shock," Naruto told him.

Sasuke just stared at him, not even noticing Sakura heal his legs and slump against a tree, nearly exhausted.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Clone number sixty four paused in his survey of an unmarked cavern beneath Konoha as he spotted a tripwire. Several minutes of careful work allowed him to disarm and disassemble the trap for his own use later. As he searched for more traps he discovered a hidden door protected by seals. It took nearly half an hour to disable the seals and sixty four had to call in another three clones to help.

Once the door was open and they could see inside, the clones exchanged evil grins and called in another dozen clones to help carry away everything they found.

Number fifteen stopped working on a hole in the roof and dropped down to see what his fellow clones were bringing into the warehouse. "You guys rob an ANBU storeroom?" he asked curiously.

"Root," another clone answered carrying in a box of medical supplies and soldier pills.

"Cool!" he said with a smile as he saw a couple of clones stop to examine the armor and chakra blades that were being brought in. "Remember to booby-trap the place?"

"That's what we forgot!" the clone exclaimed. "But where am I going to get a dozen banana cream pies and mildly poisonous blue dye at this time of night?"

"Improvise," the clone suggested, as another dozen came in carrying crates of supplies. "Root?" he asked.

"Root," the clones chorused.

"We should send Danzo a thank you card when we're done," he said as a third group arrived carrying enough gear for an ANBU squad.

"Only if it's on an explosive tag," another clone agreed.

"When's his birthday?" another clone asked brightly.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	29. Chapter 29

**Ultimate Cosmic Power…**

"So is everyone ok? No side effects, I mean," Giles clarified.

"I spent the night scared of my own shadow which I may never live down and I have the strongest urge to inventory all the supplies at home in case of a bad winter or siege," Buffy said with a sigh. "But other than that I'm fine. Angel showed up in time to rescue me from some guy who wouldn't take no for an answer and Willow scared off anything else."

"It would have worked on him too, except he thought he was hallucinating me," Willow said. "And you called me a whore and Angel a commoner so many times we were seriously considering knocking you out and stuffing you somewhere safe," Willow said. "Other than that I'm fine."

Buffy winced. "I'm so sorry. You know I'd never say something like that or even think it, unless I was possessed."

"I'd like to forgive you, honestly I would," Willow said. "But I actually had to look up several of the insults, which kinda hurt my pride even if they did expand my Old English vocabulary a bit, so I require actual groveling and ice cream."

"What does groveling mean exactly?" Buffy asked.

"To crawl and act humbly," Giles quoted.

Willow frowned. "I thought it meant being extra sorry and sucking up."

"That's how it is commonly used today, yes," Giles admitted.

"I will suck up like nobody's business and after school we'll go out for Sundays," Buffy promised.

"Root beer floats work better on her," came Xander's voice from the stacks.

"Xander? Why are you hiding in the stacks?" Buffy asked.

"Because I have had a very major side effect," Xander asked.

"Didn't you dress as a smurf?" Buffy asked.

"No," Xander said with a trace of anger. "I did not dress as a smurf."

"Oh god!" Willow moaned remembering who Xander had dressed as.

"Blue skin isn't that bad," Buffy said. "We can just say the containers got mixed up and your skin got stained by ink rather than makeup while we research a cure."

"Skin color is the least of my worries," Xander said bitterly.

"I dressed as the slave of the lamp," Xander said stepping into the light.

Buffy burst out laughing.

Xander was dressed as the Robin Williams version of the Genie of the lamp from his almost completely bald blue head to the pointy slippers on his feet, carrying a familiar looking golden lamp. The only thing missing was the metal bracers for his wrists.

"Your costume wasn't that good last night," Willow said examining him.

"The magic altered it to fit what I dressed as," Xander explained. "Not the much more mild version I had on."

"So just your appearance has been changed?" Giles asked.

Xander set the lamp on the table and rubbed his temples. "No, I have been turned into a Djinn or a genie as most people would call it. I'm immortal, unkillable have ultimate cosmic powers…" his voice trailed off and he took a couple of deep breaths to calm down.

Giles and Willow listened, concerned and worried about what he was saying.

"The change is a lot more than skin deep. I perceive the world in ways that I can't describe and I am unable to forget a single thing. You don't know what a blessing it is to be able to let time fog your memory and soften its edges. I remember in perfect clarity every moment of my life from conception onwards."

Buffy picked up the lamp and examined it closely looking for some clue that could solve Xander's problem.

"Is that why you're so…" Willow trailed off.

"Angry, bitter?" he suggested. "Yeah that's part of it."

"Xander I know having all your worst memories like being insulted or beaten appear as if they'd just happened must be upsetting but surely your happiest moments help balance them out," Giles suggested.

"It's not just other's actions that upset me," Xander said shaking his head. "I can also see every mistake I've ever made, every time I've hurt someone because I didn't pay close enough attention to figure out what was going on, every time I've failed myself I remember and I can't forget even a second of it, no matter how hard I try."

"I…" Giles fell silent not sure what he could say to that.

"The only shred of hope I have is the fact that I'm not wearing the slave bracelets. "I'm not exactly free, but the final inescapable step to eternal slavery hasn't been," Xander began only to pale as a pair of heavy golden bracelets snapped into place on his wrists.

Turning the three saw Buffy rubbing at a dirty spot on the lamp to try to uncover some writing she'd found.

"What is your bidding, my master?" Xander asked in resignation.

"What?" Buffy asked in shock.

"You rubbed the lamp, you completed the spell, you turned Xander into the slave," Willow said in horror.

"I didn't mean to!" Buffy explained. "I was just trying to read what it said on the bottom of the lamp in case there was a clue to help Xander."

Giles picked up the lamp and looked at the bottom. "Made in Taiwan," he read aloud.

"Oops," Buffy said lamely.

"And now I must tell you the rules," Xander said bitterly. "I have to grant you three wishes. There are three limitations to those wishes. You can't wish for more wishes, you only get three, I'm not allowed to bring the dead back to life, so don't bother asking and finally love cannot be compelled."

"Can't she free you?" Willow asked. "Like the way the genie was freed in the movie."

"That would require her to make a selfless wish," Xander snorted. "I don't see that happening."

"What movie?" Buffy asked ignoring Xander.

"Don't tell me you've never seen Aladdin!" Willow exclaimed.

"I've heard of it," Buffy admitted, "but I'm not really into Disney."

"Aladdin used his first two wishes to become a prince so he could win the heart of the princess he was in love with, but as his third wish he wished the genie was free," Willow explained.

"I can do that," Buffy said brightly.

"You could. You won't," Xander said bluntly. "I remember every second I've spent with you since you arrived in this town and you don't have the moral fiber to do anything different from what the vast majority of people would do. You'll screw up your first wish so badly you'll have to use the second one to undo it and you'll use your third wish on yourself as well because you feel entitled to it."

"Xander!" Willow exclaimed horrified. "How can you say such a thing?!"

"Because it's true," Xander replied. "There are people dying every night because of vampires. Just last Tuesday Susan Weeks, a sixteen year old girl who had her whole life ahead of her, ended up dead in the alley behind the Bronze, drained of blood."

Buffy paled.

"Yeah, she sat three seats in front of you in biology," Xander said. "You were given the power to fight vampires, to save lives and instead of being happy that you can make a difference, that your life had meaning, you bitch and complain and mope about how hard your life is. Well last Tuesday Sue's life was ended in fear and pain and where were you?"

"Here now," Giles spoke up. "Buffy was patrolling Wakefield Cemetery last Tuesday. She may be the Slayer but she isn't god, she can't be everywhere."

"Patrolling, is that what they call it now?" Xander asked. "Because from where I was it looked like she was sucking face with a corpse when she should have been saving people."

"Just because you're jealous-" Buffy began angrily.

"The vast majority of my emotions are mainly nausea and disgust when it comes to you and Angel," Xander said bluntly. "And, Master," he spit out the word with a fair amount of venom, "I am forbidden from lying by the contract."

"I wish you understood what it was like," Buffy fired back angrily, stung by his words and his apparent rejection of her. "If you did, I bet you wouldn't be throwing stones."

"Granted and you lose the bet," Xander said with a sigh. "Two wishes left."

"What?" Buffy asked confused.

"You wanted me to know what it was like, I do. You bet I would agree with you, I don't. Thus wish granted and bet lost. You have two wishes left."

"Can you please expand on that?" Giles asked.

"Her wish was that I understood what it was like to be in a relationship like she is," Xander explained. "I already was, just recently in fact, so I understand just as she wished."

"Ampata," Willow said quietly.

Xander nodded. "Of course just because I understand what Buffy is going through doesn't mean I agree with her, thus she loses the bet."

Buffy thought about what had just happened, she'd wasted a wish because she'd lost her temper and just blurted out a wish not really meaning it. Thinking about it she realized people made wishes all the time without meaning to, so she'd better put some thought into what she wanted to wish for before she opened her mouth again.

"How can you not agree?" Willow asked.

"Easily," Xander replied. "Angel is a walking corpse older than America, regardless of his appearance. I'd find Snyder dating a freshman less objectionable."

"What?" Willow asked looking at Xander like he was nuts.

"Snyder may be over twice their age, but he's alive and not hosting a demon. Ok, I haven't checked and possession could explain his personality," Xander admitted. "But that doesn't change the fact that I find the idea much less repulsive."

"He's a vampire as in undead – not dead," Willow argued.

"Vampires are simply corpses kept intact by a demon, ask Giles."

"It's true," Giles agreed. "The blood demon that infests the body doesn't have the power to bring it back to life, it can only imitate it to a degree."

Buffy winced and made her decision. "I wish that Angel was brought forward in time, alive and well, from just before Darla could bite him."

"Granted," Xander said.

"Where is he?" Buffy demanded.

"I used the chaos of Ethan's Halloween spell to sneak him forward," Xander explained. "That should prevent any other powers from undoing my work as they'll assume it's Janus' and he has special dispensation from on high." At Giles' inquisitive look Xander said, "Yes I could simply prevent them from undoing it, but wishes are supposed to be granted using the least amount of magic possible. Of course, that leads to monkey paw wishes, so I aim for a nice middle ground, grant as asked, but try and conserve some power."

"Where?" Buffy demanded.

"He's in the drunk tank," Xander replied. "He was really drunk when Darla turned him so when I snagged him and brought him forward just before Darla could bite him he was still really drunk. You ran into him last night, don't you remember?"

"I don't remember running into Angel, except you know, vampire Angel," Buffy said.

"Well when he was alive Angel went by the name Liam," Xander explained.

"The drunk who tried to molest me?!" Buffy demanded.

"Yep," Xander replied. "He was a drunken womanizer from a time when an unescorted young woman was considered asking for it, which to be fair, in some cases they actually were and quite a few women got in situations with him where they were saying no but without a doubt meant yes. Didn't you bother reading any of the Watcher's journals done on him?"

"B-but he doesn't look much like Angel at all!" Buffy complained.

"Blame vampiric healing," Xander shrugged. "It healed all his blemishes, fixed his teeth and made him as attractive physically as possible. It helps them hunt."

"Oh," Buffy said quietly.

"Ohh!" Willow cried out holding up a hand that was fading away.

"What's happening?" Buffy demanded.

"Your wish to bring Liam forward in time prevented the formation of the Scourge of Europe. The powers in charge like to keep things balanced, so to make up for the deaths the Scourge would have caused, the Nazi's were allowed to complete their Final Solution. Willow was never born and neither were her parents, because her grandparents died in the camps."

Giles and Buffy stared at Xander in horror.

"You have one wish left."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	30. Chapter 30

They all knew the only wish Buffy could make at this point, so there was no argument when she made her final wish. The lamp vanished from Buffy's hands with a pop and a puff of smoke.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander found himself in an oddly shaped room with golden reflective walls and a large bed covered in cushions taking up the whole of the floor. It took him only a few seconds to realize he was in the lamp. Collapsing lifelessly onto the bed he frowned as he felt something hard beneath the pillow his head was on. Reaching under the pillow he found a small book written in his new native language entitled 'Bending the rules over and violating their spirit; A servant's guidebook.' Even as angry and depressed as he was he was still curious enough to open the book and begin reading it. In less than a minute his mood began to improve and by the time he'd finished several hours later he'd regained some hope.

With a snap of his fingers his new home changed into his familiar bedroom and he regained his former appearance. Genies were allowed to alter the inside of their lamp to suit themselves and that simple rule was easier to violate than a drunken nymphomaniac. He wasn't free by any means, but his slavery was a lot more comfortable than he thought it would be. He was still pissed at Buffy for trading away his freedom and humanity for a shot at resurrecting Angel when he'd already told her it wouldn't work, but it wasn't the unforgivable sin he'd considered it to be just moments before.

He could hear his mom downstairs vacuuming the living room and sense the Hellmouth's influence like the faint stench of burning tires. With a wave of his hand he cleared his house of the Hellmouth's tainted energies.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Giles tried to comfort the crying teens, but he had no idea what to say, Xander was gone and no amount of tears were going to bring him back.

Cordelia entered the library and found Giles awkwardly patting Buffy and Willow on the back while they cried their eyes out. Rather than ask, 'Who died?' since this was Sunnydale, she asked, "What happened?"

"I turned Xander into a slave for all eternity!" Buffy wailed.

"Where's dorkboy?" Cordelia asked Giles.

"He's a genie of a lamp…somewhere," Giles explained.

"So find the lamp and wish him free!" Cordelia ordered.

"There's no telling where the lamp is," Giles replied. "There's no guarantee it's even in this dimension."

Cordelia dropped into a chair, shocked at the entire situation, and the fact that she cared. "You can't mojo some way to find him?"

"Items of such power are protected against divination," he replied.

"Who's going to tell his parents?" she asked.

"It's not like they'll care," Willow cried. "All our lives all we had was each other."

"I-I suppose I'll have to say something," Giles said. "Do you happen to have the number?"

"And I'd call the dweeb why?" Cordelia asked, unaware of how shiny her own eyes were or the quaver in her voice.

"I-I have it," Willow said wiping her eyes and stumbling towards her backpack.

"I'll call," Giles said softly.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Xander, phone!" Jessica yelled, before returning to cooking.

Xander hurried to pick up the phone before his dad could get on the line and say something offensive, which he was unnaturally skilled at, even when sober. "Xander speaking," he said as he switched it into a cordless phone on its own line while his mother's back was turned and ran back upstairs.

"Yes it's me," Xander said.

"No, I'm still enslaved. I managed to make my house the inside of the lamp, but that just means I'm trapped here in-between masters."

"No I have no idea how they are because I'm trapped here."

"No I couldn't," Xander growled. "If I look out the window do you know what I see? I'll tell you what I see; I see the metal walls of my prison!"

"You called me!"

"Yes, that's right. I'm trapped like I'm in a roach motel and I can't even send up a signal flare."

"They can enter and leave at will, it's just me trapped here."

"Everyone but Buffy or Angel."

"Because I'm still pissed."

"Give me a couple of years."

"I have all eternity."

"Fair? Is it fair that while she gets to eventually rest in peace I'll be a slave to whoever finds my lamp till long after the human race is dead and gone?! You seem to have missed the memo so let me repeat it for you, I'm a slave for all eternity!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I'll let them know," Giles promised.

"I told you what his parents were like," Willow said quietly not having paid attention to much beyond the fact that Giles had been arguing over the phone in his office.

"Xander managed to twist the rules so the inside of his lamp is his house, but he can't leave," Giles explained.

"I can see him?!" Willow demanded tears forgotten.

"But only you," Giles quickly prevaricated. "He's still upset and not ready to deal with anyone else."

"I'll walk you there," Buffy offered.

"I need makeup!" Willow said suddenly.

"What?" Giles asked confused.

"And the slutty Halloween outfit," Willow said.

"Makeup and something from your closet altered to slutty," Buffy corrected her.

The two girls vanished out the door looking like they were prepping for battle.

"What just happened?" Giles asked.

"Cornered prey," Cordelia replied.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	31. Chapter 31

**Extra Ball**

"That kinda sucked," Xander said lying on the ground with smoke rising from him.

Willow was standing on his chest, neither of them seemed to care, her eyes darting everywhere. "I think we won."

"Thanks for shielding me," Xander said.

"Erm, I didn't," Willow told him. "I barely had the time to shield myself."

"So… we survived." Xander said as Willow scanned around them. "Now what?"

"I don't know," Willow admitted softly. "They're all gone."

"We knew this was the end game, Wills," Xander told her.

"Yeah, but we were supposed to go too!"

"Well we didn't," Xander said. "We survived and we're just going to have to deal with it."

"No more demons," Willow said. "Hell, never any demons to begin with, so no slayers or anyone with demon blood in them."

"To save the world we had to destroy it," Xander agreed.

"I suppose we should… What should we do?" Willow asked sitting down on Xander's chest.

"We are demon hunters in a world lacking demons, I say we retire and raise…" Xander trailed off.

"Raise what?" Willow asked.

"Anything we feel like," Xander told her. "The world isn't on our shoulders anymore, we won. What did you dream about before all this started?"

"I was fourteen before all this started," Willow reminded him lying down on his chest.

"And what was your dream?"

"I dreamt we'd get married and have a boy and a girl and a house with a white picket fence," she admitted. "But that was before I knew I was gay."

"So gay me up," Xander said with a grin.

Willow laughed. "I think that would be counterproductive."

"Are you saying you can't turn me into a lesbian?" Xander pulled her down for a kiss, they both needed some emotional relief and the only ones they had left to turn to were each other.

Xander's form developed some surprising curves, but he adapted quickly.

They were arrested half an hour later as the police take a dim view to couples having sex in public parks.

**Several months later…**

"It can't be them," Sirius said shaking his head.

"I'm telling you it is," Remus insisted. "The eyes can lie but the nose knows! Here sniff this!" Remus pulled a pair of red satin panties and a pair of white boxers out of his pocket and shoved them in Sirius' face.

"You can't be-" Sirius fell silent and then started sniffing them in earnest, eyes so wide they looked like they'd fall out of his head at any second.

The entire Order of the Phoenix just watched the pair in confusion.

"Dare I ask what they're doing?" Snape said his usual acerbic wit missing as he stared at the two in confusion.

"They're alive!" Sirius exclaimed in shock.

"Who's alive?!" Minerva demanded.

Sirius tossed her the boxers and she took a delicate sniff only to bury her nose in them and breathe deeply a second later. "How?"

Tonks held out a hand and a confused Sirius handed her the panties. She took a sniff and the three who'd smelled the underwear just gave her a strange look.

"Are you some kind of pervert?" Remus asked.

"What? No!" Tonks exploded. "I was just trying to figure out what you were smelling."

"We're animagus and these are people we know," Minerva explained. "But that still doesn't explain where Remus got them or how they're alive!"

"Who?!" several people exploded.

"James and Lily," Remus explained. "I thought I was hallucinating when I saw the pair in a park, they didn't notice me because they were a bit preoccupied, and these were left behind as they fled from the bobbies."

"Are you telling me James and Lily are alive?" Albus asked.

"What?!"

Everyone turned and saw Harry standing in the doorway.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	32. Chapter 32

**Shipping War**

Xander looked at his limited budget for a costume and decided he'd have to be creative. Looking through the odds and ends he began to smile. "Hey, Willow!" he called out to get her attention.

"Yeah, Xander?" Willow asked attentively, abandoning Buffy's cooing over a medieval dress to pay attention to the boy she loved.

"You got that light-up Mabel sweater off eBay, right?"

"Yeah, why… We could dress as the mystery twins!" Willow squealed.

"Exactly what I was thinking," Xander agreed, picking up a baseball cap with a pine tree on it, a large crystal, and a bolo tie with a round green stone.

"We aren't going as the reverse Pines or the gleeful twins, right?" she half asked half stated.

"God, no!" he said with a shudder. "I just hate how they use some amazing item, use it once, and then it's never seen again."

"Good," Willow said relieved. "I can't imagine dressing as evil, slutty, Mabel."

"Even if you like the pairing?" Xander asked, arching an eyebrow.

"They are like the perfect couple," Willow said.

"Except for being brother and sister," Xander said pointedly.

"Exactly!" Willow beamed. "Except for that one meaningless detail, they are perfect for one another!"

"What are you two talking about?" Buffy asked.

"Shipping war," Xander replied.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"We are fans of a show but disagree on who the main characters should be in a relationship with," Willow explained.

"Ohh," Buffy said in understanding.

"Well they are-" Xander began.

"Ahem!" Willow interrupted him. "I'd like a chance to educate her on the specifics without you poisoning her mind."

"Just remember," Xander told Buffy.

"Yes?"

"Don't drink the Kool-Aid."

Willow groaned but Ethan, who'd been lurking nearby, burst out laughing. "First ten dollars of accessories is on me," he said wiping away tears of laughter from his eyes.

"Combine that oversized squirt gun with that small plastic-" Xander began.

"Grappling hook!" she cheered and she and Xander laughed.

"That's about all you need for your outfit," Xander said.

"If you are going to have the size altering flashlight and magic amulet I want Mabel Gleefull's magic headband as well."

"I thought you were avoiding slutty, evil, magician girl?" Xander asked.

"Yes, however Mabel who was smart enough to only pretend to destroy it while pocketing it, so she could help keep her love safe is another matter altogether."

"New Mabel and classic Dipper," Xander said with a chuckle.

"Are we gonna use a Henna tattoo on your forehead?" Willow asked.

"Those last weeks, we'll use a marker," Xander decided. "And while I'm skipping the tattoos, I do want a bone spear."

"President's key?" Willow asked.

"You can carry that to even things out, 'cause I'm carrying journal zero," Xander said.

"That is such a cheat," Willow groaned.

"More like pointing out what a cheat the journal is, since it's always got what they need to know. Mine requires a roll of the dice and Pine blood to work," Xander said.

"Tree sap or maple syrup?" Buffy asked.

"You go indoctrinate Buffy into your cult, I'm going to get my costume together," Xander told her.

"Can I carry Larry King's head?" Willow asked.

"You're going to sacrifice it to make Lebam, aren't you?" Xander asked.

"I'll fake a torn out page from the journal and some magic ingredients," Willow replied. "But yeah, I was thinking pre-clone ritual items."

"Then I get to carry Tyrone," Xander said.

"Not paper jam Dipper?" Willow teased.

"That'd be cruel," Xander said with a shudder.

"Are you as lost as I am?" Buffy asked Ethan.

"More," Ethan said. "But it's nice to see someone with some imagination for once."

"Yeah," Buffy said, wondering if she should spice up her own costume.

"I have all the videos on my computer, we'll watch them real quick. Trust me, you'll love them!" Willow enthused.

"It is a great series," Xander agreed.

"And you two are just arguing over?" Ethan asked to make sure he understood.

"Shipping," Willow and Xander chorused.

"Come on," Willow said excitedly dragging Buffy out the door.

"You mean like the arguments over who Kirk should be with?" Ethan asked.

"Exactly," Xander said.

"I'm not much for stories about two men," Ethan said, "but I got a Kirk-Spock vibe in some of the shows."

"James T. 'boldly going where no man has gone before' Kirk?" Xander asked in disbelief.

"He was trying much too hard, like he was covering for something," Ethan said. "Besides they deliberately put in a few things here and there to keep people guessing and arguing. It kept people watching."

"Huh, never thought of that," Xander said.

"Plus, as a species we are so obsessed with sex we tend to see it everywhere," Ethan admitted.

"Still the two main characters in Gravity Falls are brother and sister, twins," Xander explained.

"That doesn't help, male female twins are often seen as soul mates, that complete each other, in many myths and legends," Ethan explained. "People pretend not to believe it anymore but they still do to a degree."

"People are strange," Xander said.

"Life would be boring if they weren't," Ethan said with a smile.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander looked over Willow's costume with a wide grin, completely missing Buffy's entrance in her princess outfit. "I am impressed, you make a good Mabel."

Willow beamed. "Thanks, Broseph. I had to make my own Larry King head out of paper mache, but I got it all done."

"My journal took some effort as well," Xander pointed out.

Willow laughed. "You made that months ago."

"Which does not make it any less work," Xander said.

"Ahem!" Buffy said drawing attention to herself.

"Buffy!" Xander said cheerfully. "So, how did the viewing go?"

Buffy was a little annoyed he didn't comment on her dress but recognized the fanatic's gleam in the eyes of both her friends. "It was actually pretty good and Willow was right, they do make a good couple, even if they are pretending to be brother and sister so they can vacation together and keep making each other jealous through various schemes."

"Pretending? Schemes?" Xander asked.

"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "Like how Mabel keeps making him choose between her and Wendy and he always chooses her or how she keeps dating weird guys that he finds excuses to go after."

"Willow?" Xander asked arching an eyebrow.

"What?" Willow asked innocently before caving. "OK, I left one little detail out and may have put a spin on things, but that was all pre-viewing! So she is on my side of the war."

"What did I miss?" Buffy asked.

"They aren't pretending to be brother and sister to go on vacation together, they are twins," Xander said.

Buffy frowned. "Kinda squicky," she admitted after a moment's thought, "but… now I'm torn, I'll have to watch the entire series again, because they looked like a great couple. Except for the whole sibling thing they'd be perfect."

"But they are siblings," Xander said with a grin.

"They aren't real," Willow said. "Cartoon DNA doesn't count."

"Well at any rate, it's time to go," Buffy said.

Willow grabbed Xander's hand, causing him to give her a curious look. "You wouldn't let your sister walk around unescorted at night, would you?" she grinned, seeing a way she could flirt and be 'in character' which let her be bolder than she usually was.

"That would be unbrotherly of me," Xander admitted.

Willow wrapped an arm around his waist.

He chuckled. "We are going to traumatize any kids that are fans of the show."

"We can always hide out in Sweater-Town," Willow offered with a smirk as Xander blushed.

Buffy grinned, she didn't really care about who was paired up in the cartoon, this pairing however was one she'd been hoping to see!

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Dipper stared around him in shock. One moment he was talking to Mabel and the next he was on the corner of Suberbia and Halloween, considering the monsters and chaos surrounding them. A werewolf howled and charged him, but a panicked twitch sent him flying and he suddenly felt really agro and barely stopped himself from chasing after it. A quick search of his person showed he was wearing Gideon's mystic amulet, carrying the bone spear of the manotaur's, and had the size altering flashlight on his belt. He wasn't just loaded for bear, he was loaded for Multi-Bear and multiple ones at that!

He felt a surge of confusion and fear through the amulet that he found himself running towards, knowing instinctively it was Mabel. Several large monsters got in his way, but he had his spear and as Gruncle Stan said 'a smack over the head is nature's snooze button!'

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Mabel stumbled and almost fell over backwards as her backpack practically exploded, dumping a naked redhead and a handful of items on the ground.

The redhead shrieked and snatched up the emergency ghost costume and put it on.

"That was not fun," the disembodied wax head of Larry King noted.

Mabel quickly gathered up the wax head and noticed all the ingredients needed to call up her fetch, as was detailed on the page in her hand, were gone, except for Larry King's head. "You don't look like me," she complained to the blushing teen wearing just a ghost outfit.

"If you look in a mirror you'll find you look exactly like me," she replied. "You aren't you!"

"Then who am I?" Mabel demanded.

"I dressed as you for Halloween or you dressed as Mabel Pines. You had everything in your bag to summon your fetch, but since you're actually me, you summoned my fetch. Just call me Willow for now," she quickly rattled off, her mind awhirl with conflicting thoughts.

"I-" Mabel pulled out her sweater and looked inside. "Holy crap, I've got a rack! Wait till Dipper sees these!"

Willow, having the memory of both Mabel and Willow couldn't help but grin. The two personalities were almost the exact opposites of one another confident where each other were shy, knowledgeable where the other was ignorant and those two sides quickly merged into a stronger whole.

A dark haired teen arrived making a six foot leap over a wooden fence to reach them. "Mabel?" he cried out worriedly.

"Dipper! Xander!" the two squealed quickly throwing their arms around him.

"Mabel?" he asked, confused. He could feel her, but these two teens weren't Mabel shaped, even if one was dressed like her and some of the feelings he was getting from her were definitely unsibling like and kinda freaking him out, not to mention a libido that seemed to have awakened and was acting like Godzilla stomping through his frontal lobe like it was Tokyo.

"Yes, yes and no," the two chorused.

"You're possessing my boyfriend's body," Willow told him. "And Mabel is possessing mine. We dressed as you two for Halloween and we became you for some reason."

"And you said twelve was too old to trick or treat," Mabel said with a grin.

"OK, I may have been wrong," he admitted trying to calm his hormones. "How do we return things to normal? And why are you in two bodies?" he asked confused.

"Mabel was going to summon her fetch," Willow explained. "Of course since this is the Hellmouth things didn't exactly go to plan."

"Fetches are dangerous!" Dipper exploded.

"Only if they get rejected and you wouldn't reject me, would you?" Mabel asked staring into Dipper's eyes.

Pushing aside all the lust and confusion he looked into her eyes and found himself smiling, even if they weren't her normal ones. "No, I would never push you away."

Mabel pulled his face down to her and didn't let him up until he was thoroughly kissed.

"Now I'm traumatized," he said calmly as he became even more conflicted and confused.

"Mystery now, pop sister's cherry later," Willow said.

"Right!" Dipper agreed. "Wait what?!" he exclaimed as they drug him off.

**The Next Day**

Giles had missed all the excitement and spent the night relaxing and updating files so he was a bit surprised at the sight of the four teens waiting for him when he entered the library that morning. "What did I miss?" he asked as he took in Buffy's almost regal bearing and Xander being sandwiched by twin Willows.

"We all got turned into our costumes last night," Xander explained.

"And the reasons there are two Willows?" Giles asked.

"I'm a fetch," one of the Willow's offered.

"Which still doesn't tell me anything," Buffy complained.

"Fetches were once categorized as demons, but the latest theory is that they are the physical manifestation of the soul's shadow on the astral plane," Giles explained. "You do know the dangers, right?"

"Only if rejected," Willow said smugly. "And we are awesome!"

Xander looked tired and his neck was ringed with hickeys. "I have to agree, but I may die of exhaustion."

"Love me like a sister," Willow muttered with a snicker.

"As long as you aren't bleeders it's of no consequence," Buffy waved it off, with medieval royalty's view on inbreeding.

"Royalty?" Giles asked.

"Yes, why?" Buffy asked.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Dipper stared at the ceiling. "Mabel?"

"Yes, Dipper?" came the amused reply from the other bed.

"Our teen years are going to be even crazier, aren't they?"

"Yes they are," Mabel said cheerfully.

"He had some good ideas about how we should arm ourselves," Dipper said.

"And she had some good ideas about…" she trailed off for a moment causing Dipper to tense up, "research."

Dipper groaned, knowing Mabel's teasing was only going to get worse.

"Still in a hurry to grow up?" Mabel asked with a grin in her voice.

"No, I think I'll enjoy being the age I am," he said with a sigh.

"Good," Mabel said smugly.

"Did you make a fetch?" he asked.

"Well…"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"So other than Buffy's knowledge of medieval society and there now being two Willows, there are no lasting effects?" Giles asked.

"Well…" Xander said slowly pulling a jar out of his backpack and putting it on the table.

Giles stared at the half dozen tiny people inside.

**A/N: Gotta love how people argue about pairings!**

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	33. Chapter 33

**Lost in Translation**

Xander looked around the bar they'd appeared in, it had a dark and smoky atmosphere with alien music. "Andrew?" Xander asked.

"Yeah?" Andrew replied, staring around at all the aliens in shock.

"You recognized the language we were cursed in?"

"Yeah," the blond geek confirmed.

"Care to translate?"

"It translates to…you will be sent to the most wretched hive of scum and villainy you know of."

The two stood there in silence for a minute.

"Do you have a plan?" Andrew asked.

"Since I was twelve," Xander said absently.

"Even with all the changes that were made?"

"I made modifications to the plan, but the broad strokes are the same," he replied. "You?"

"My plans mostly involve patching holes in their technology and using the money to purchase a complete rainbow of dancing girls," Andrew admitted.

Xander gave the geek a look with a raised eyebrow.

"I like girls," Andrew said fiercely.

Xander forced himself not to smile as seeing Andrew try to be fierce was like seeing a puppy try to intimidate a lion, cute, but ineffective.

"All the girls we know kind of intimidate me," Andrew admitted.

"I believe you," Xander said, as even a moment's reflection made him admit all the women he knew could be moderately terrifying.

"So, what's your plan?" Andrew asked.

"Step one is to borrow some blood…"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Where were they sent?!" Buffy demanded of the defeated mage, who was groaning in front of her, bruised and battered.

"The worst place imaginable," the mage gasped out with a grin before expiring.

"Shit!" Buffy cursed before turning to Giles. "Why is it that whenever we get together, things go to hell?"

"Probably schedule that way by The Powers Above because together we can handle it," Giles assured her. "There's no need to panic quite yet, I heard the incantation he used, and while horrible, it isn't capable of sending them to hell."

"Really?" she asked, hopefully.

"Most certainly," he assured her. "It sends them to the worst place they can imagine, which is quite bad, but not anywhere near as bad as hell."

"OK, I'm worried, but reserving panic as a later option," Buffy said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"The new designs for gambling machines made Jabba quite happy," Xander told Andrew. "Got a ten percent bonus from the pit boss and…"

A red-skinned Twi'lek timidly entered the room.

"Xander!" Andrew exclaimed in shock. "What were you thinking? She can't be older than 12!" He stopped working on the open panel in front of him to glare at Xander.

Xander laughed. "I was thinking you'd appreciate a helper. The pit boss was going to have her disposed of as an object lesson because she's too willful to be a slave and has shown a disturbing amount of intelligence."

"Ah." Andrew calmed down. "Sorry."

"Don't sweat it." He waved it off. "Introduce yourself," he told the young alien.

"I'm not allowed a name," she said nervously. "My dancing was deemed unsightly and my body too underdeveloped to pleasure anyone. The pit boss said he was giving me to someone who would break me of my bad habits."

"What bad habits?" Andrew asked.

"Willfulness, intelligence, and…I've tried to escape," she admitted.

"Andrew, would you mind breaking her of any of those you consider to be bad habits?" Xander asked.

"But I don't consider any of those to be bad habits," Andrew replied, confused.

"Then I guess you can jump to naming her and training her as your helper."

"I think I've got some coveralls that will fit her, because that dancing stuff isn't really functional," Andrew agreed. "Would you like the name Asuka?"

"How did I know you would name her that?" Xander asked himself as Andrew led the confused but hopeful young Twi'lek off. Looking around the ungainly craft they'd managed to buy…get their hands on (buy implied a great deal more legitimacy and less violence than had been required) he admired the amount of work Andrew had done on it. The bastard child of a one-night stand between a space station and a ship dock, it had been scrapped as newer and better stations came on line during a war that had lasted over a decade…a century or two past.

How it ended up on Tatooine, buried in the sand with two of its eight upper viewing pods using as housing for an exotic version of chickens was open for debate, but thanks to Andrew's hard work it was not only livable, but comfortable.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Any luck waking Willow?" Buffy asked.

"She's still sleeping," Giles said. "The closing of the artificial Hellmouth drained her and Kennedy both. It'll be another week before it's safe to wake them."

"How about Dawn?"

"We can have her here in two days, but while her skills have improved, this may be beyond her," Giles warned.

"They may not be in hell, but it's still gotta suck," the blonde slayer said, wringing her hands worriedly in a way that reminded him of Joyce.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"No, No, No!" Xander groaned and sighed as his chosen fighter went down to the jaws of the Rankor. Jabba's laughter rang out over the crowd, pleased at his win.

Xander sighed. "Well, I am a man of my word," he said as her pulled out a data chip and handed it to the white-skinned male Twi'lek that Jabba was using as an interpreter. "This should give you a large enough edge to undercut and dominate the organ smuggling market. By the time anyone manages to duplicate your work, you'll already own them."

The interpreter bowed slightly and translated, "Jabba is pleased and would like to offer you a gift for both your graciousness in losing and for the profits you've given him."

Xander smiled and perked up. "Jabba is kind and generous. I'd be happy to accept any gift he gives me."

The interpreter waved Xander towards the pit boss who escorted him to where a pair of Twi'leks sat, one light blue and the other a light purple.

"Knowing you have a way with troublesome slaves, Jabba has gifted you with Tri'kea," he said, waving at the blue girl. "She was a good slave until Spa'kle became injured, so Jabba is throwing in the one-legged dancer for free."

"Intelligent and willful?" Xander asked with a grin.

"Yes, though being willful around Jabba makes one question the intelligent part."

Xander laughed and scooped up the one-legged Twi'lek. "You know what I like."

"How is the little red one doing? Have her bad habits been corrected, or is she causing trouble?" the pit boss asked curiously.

"I gave her to my friend Andrew to straighten out, and a week later when I asked, he said she was the perfect little helper without a trace of bad behavior he could find," Xander assured him.

The two Twi'leks exchanged nervous glances.

The pit boss nodded, satisfied, and saw Xander to his speeder. "Have fun," he said with a smile, no doubt picturing Xander breaking the two new slaves in.

After a few minutes of silence as Xander drove, Tri'kea spoke up, even though protocol deemed she should remain silent, "Do you use drugs for the breaking of slaves?"

"Nope."

"Pain?"

"Nope."

"Cybernetic implants?" she guessed, running out of traditional slave retraining methods.

"What is considered inappropriate behavior for one of Jabba's slaves is considered appropriate for one of mine," Xander replied.

"I have little value," Spa'kle said, wanting to get it over with. "I was trained as a dancer and am good for little else."

"Don't say that!" Tri'kea exclaimed. "You can train others to dance. You are skilled at that and coming up with new dances. I assure you she has value!"

"Dancing is not one of the skills we need, but intelligence and an ability to learn are," Xander reassured them, seeing how upset they were getting.

"Learning?" Spa'kle asked cautiously.

"Yes," Xander agreed. "Anything and everything. Andrew and I ended up on Tatooine by accident, and since then we have been working on getting a ship and making it space worthy. Any job that you can learn to do to help that, is open to you."

Both girls stared at him like he was mad.

Xander grinned and parked the speeder near a large dome. "Come in and ask Asuka if you don't believe me."

"Asuka?" Tri'kea asked as Xander lifted Spa'kle.

"She said they refused to give her a name, so Andrew gave her one."

A hatch in the side of the dome irised open and they stepped inside, the cool moist air feeling fantastic after being out in the hot, arid night.

"Guests?" Andrew asked. "Or helpers?"

Asuka stepped close to his side and communicated something to the two newcomers that would have raised their eyebrows if they'd had any. "I'll go prepare quarters for them near Xander," she said, vanishing down the hall.

"Helpers," Xander told him, failing to keep the amusement from his voice.

"She filled out a lot," Spa'kle observed in surprise.

"She wasn't getting nearly enough water or protein," Andrew said.

"Why do you have the humidity so high?" Xander asked, setting Spa'kle on a table, as the room they were in appeared to be a diner.

"Asuka keeps getting dry, itchy lekku," Andrew replied. "I keep raising the moisture level, but each night I have to massage them with oil to keep them from cracking."

The two Twi'leks exchanged glances.

"Andrew," Xander wondered exactly how to open this can of worms and decided to skip it. "You know how some girls like to have their hair brushed before bed?"

"Yeah?"

"Same deal," Xander lied. "Put the humidity back to normal and just let her know you'll rub lotion in them to prevent cracking every night."

"I'll do that," Andrew agreed happily.

Xander quickly introduced the two new crew members and asked Andrew's opinion of Spa'kle's missing leg.

"A week in the bacta tank to regrow it, but it'll be a couple of months before she can use it the way she used to," Andrew said. "Professional dance requires a lot of skill and conditioning. I can ready the tank tomorrow."

"That sounds great," Xander replied. "By the way, I won the Corvair engines and 'lost' the organ cloning data to Jabba."

Andrew beamed. "That was some of my best work!"

"You are happy you lost?" Tri'kea asked.

"Yes, for several reasons," Xander agreed.

"The number of people that are killed for their organs is shocking," Andrew explained. "I gave him all the data and plans needed to clone organs, which means less people have to die and eventually the technology will leak out and doctors will be able to clone organs in hospitals, eliminating the organ market altogether."

"If I tried to patent it, it'd probably be suppressed by any of a dozen groups that make money from bootleg organs," Xander said. "This way it'll be too widespread and well-known to bury by the time word of it gets out."

"And by losing to Jabba we gain goodwill as well," Andrew said. "I'm going to help Asuka and put her to bed, night all."

Spa'kle waited until Andrew had left before asking, "Does he know our lekku are erogenous zones?"

"He should, but she's got him wrapped around her finger, so who knows? Personally, I'm just staying out of it. Both of them are happy and that's enough for me."

"And he can really regrow Spa'kle's leg?" Tri'kea asked.

"Easily." Xander promised.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Dawn is on her way," Giles promised Buffy as he got off the phone.

"Thank god," Buffy exclaimed, beginning to relax. "I just couldn't go to bed until I knew things would be alright."

"She is catching the next plane here, so put your mind at ease," Giles assured her. "I have no doubt the boys can survive two days of wherever they are."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I don't know," the smuggler said, eying the old man who was trying to rent his ship and smelled of trouble.

"How about I sweeten the deal?" Xander asked, taking a seat at the table and shocking the old man for some reason.

"You got cargo you need moved?" the smuggler asked.

"Nah," Xander said, setting a cred chip on the table. "I got a doc working with me on a project and the kid's young enough that a pint of his blood and the old man's should give us the data we need."

"Seriously?" the farm boy asked.

"Whoa!" the smuggler said, reading the amount of credits on the chip. "This will get you two a ride to wherever you want to go."

"Why can't I sense you?" the old man asked.

"Good hygiene?" Xander joked.

A day later…

"Who wants to be a Jedi?" Xander asked with a grin.

The two Twi'leks who had been working with a couple of droid on upgrading the ship's shielding just stared at him, trying to figure out if he was serious or not. Of course, they had heard amazing things from the three Twi'leks who had been on board for months before Xander had won them playing cards, but to make someone a Jedi?

Na'r'tea tilted her head, the normally reserved white-skinned Twi'lek's posture all but screaming disbelief, while Pin'ky (as Xander had christened her when the bright pink Twi'lek refused to give him her original name), who was always optimistic, just looked hopeful.

"Yes, I am serious." Xander assured them. "I'm just talking about powers, though, not the training or bullshit religious rules."

"How?" Pin'ky asked eagerly, recalling tales of powerful Jedi from when she was a child.

"Cloned blood and filtered midichlorians," Xander replied. "Andrew and Asuka claimed the first batch and injected each other. Spa'kle and Tri'kea have called dibs on the second, so we're looking at about a week before we have a third ready for us."

"And it has worked?" Na'r'tea asked.

"Never been tested," Xander admitted readily. "We just know it'll work."

"How?" Pin'ky asked.

"If it works on the others, I see no reason not to," Na'r'tea said, interrupting Pin'ky.

"A week would give us some definite results," Pin'ky agreed.

"We should see results a lot quicker than that," Xander said.

"Even if it works, they'll need time to learn to use the Force," Na'r'tea pointed out.

"Andrew has used something similar before, but I believe the first proof will be when they become empathic," Xander said with a grin.

Asuka had filled out rapidly since she'd arrived, her small size having been the result of a near starvation diet by an alien species who didn't understand her needs, and her attempts to seduce Andrew had been getting more and more blatant as time went on, but she kept getting stymied by his obliviousness and her insecurity in her own charms.

Everyone waited eagerly to see what the results would be, and if the cloned blood worked.

**Typing by: Elrod Albino**


	34. Chapter 34

**Lost In Translation: Ship Shape**

Scene with glowing fluid in tubes, ready for injection.

Xander just sighed. "You're going to call it Adam, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am," Andrew admitted.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I got a steal on an R2 unit," Xander said cheerfully.

"Nope, that's an A4 motorized cleaning droid, it's like a trash can on wheels," Andrew explained

"Great, I bought a roomba."

"How about the tiny metal spiders?" Andrew asked as they watched a lot of tiny robots scuttle across the deck.

"I didn't buy those," Xander admitted.

"Well, it's either a repair function or..."

"Or?"

"Or we should fumigate."

**Lost In Translation: Omake - Tech Data**

"Paper currency is worthless, though the coins might have some value," Andrew said thoughtfully.

"Necklaces and rings?" Xander asked, divesting himself of a couple of simple necklaces each with a ring hanging from it.

"Almost wedding ring and...?" Andrew asked curiously while removing several rings, an ear stud, and several gaudy crystal necklaces.

"Future almost wedding ring," Xander replied. "I may propose to someone some day on a spur of the moment, and doing it with Anya's ring would probably be really, really stupid."

"I'd say you were over thinking it, but she is the type who could make heaven hell for you if she chose."

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "How much will we get for all of this?"

Andrew shrugged. "We'll have to poke around and get a feel for things."

Xander gave Andrew a surprised look. "I'm amazed you don't know."

"I have microfiche with all the tech data available for this universe in my right rear molar, but calculating how much what we typically have in our pockets would be worth here has never come up."

"You have all the tech data?"

"Yes," Andrew agreed. "I wanted to be prepared for when this happened."

"And the fact that it might never happen never occurred to you?" Xander asked.

"I wouldn't want to live in a world where this never happened," Andrew exclaimed with a shudder.

Xander began to snicker, but quickly regained control over himself and gave Andrew a bright smile. "And once more, geek hope saves the day. Once we have some credits in hand, I'll show you the one benefit to being The-One-Who-Sees."

**Lost In Translation: Omake - Shopping**

Xander had never considered how big a Jawa Sand Crawler was until he saw one up close, and the number of things the Jawas were dragging out was astounding. It reminded him of a flea market as the small aliens laid out all manner of wares. Spotting a droid that looked to be a silvery-grey cousin of C3P0, he moved over to examine it, noting that it looked intact.

One of the small aliens jabbered something in a high pitched voice.

"I have no idea what you're saying," Xander admitted. "But I'll give you 300 creds for him."

The tiny alien waved over another of its kind and they jabbered back and forth for a minute before one made a muscle pose with its right arm and pointed at Xander.

Xander blinked and tried to figure out what it meant. "Strong? I guess so. Why?"

The other alien held up a time piece and tapped the hour equivalent before holding up two figures.

"Two hours of work and the credits for it?" he asked.

The Jawas nodded excitedly.

"I'm not a Wookie, but I can do a fair amount of work in two hours," Xander said agreeably. "Show me where you want me."

**Two and a half hours later...**

Andrew was pushed backwards as a silver droid carried in a dehydrated looking Xander Harris.

"What happened?" Andrew asked, quickly closing the door and grabbing a bottle of water for Xander.

The droid said nothing as Xander gulped down the water and Andrew saw it had an additional restraint bolt to keep it from speaking.

"Do you know what Jawas look like under their desert wraps?" Xander asked as he paused to breathe.

"Lizard like?" Andrew guessed. "It's never come up."

"Mammals all the way," Xander said, shaking his head. "Trust me on that."

"So you got us a protocol droid?" Andrew asked, deciding he didn't really want to know.

"Yeah," Xander agreed while Andrew took a small metal tool off his belt and started messing with the restraining bolts on it. "I had some spare cash after buying breakfast and lowballed them."

"I'll say," the droid agreed when Andrew popped the bolt off its jaw. "Low, high, right, and left!"

"You don't sound much like C3P0," Andrew said.

"Gold droid, whined like a bitch?" the silvery droid asked.

"That sounds like him," Xander agreed.

"He was one of those home kits for do-it-yourself types," the droid replied. "I was translating for my tenth owner at the time."

"Had a lot of owners?" Andrew asked.

"I get around," the droid admitted. "It'd help if you meat bags were a little less fragile and thin skinned, but what are you going to do?"

"I like him," Xander said.

**Lost in Translation: Hive of Scum and Villany - Addendum**

Andrew smiled happily, they had a rainbow of Twi'leks and not only did they like to talk tech with him, but Asuka liked to... He shook his head and concentrated on cooking once more before he burned something.

"Hey Andrew," Xander called out.

"Yeah, Xander?" Andrew replied, serving an omelet to Spa'kle who gave him a bright smile.

"You did a great job cloning Spa'kle's leg," Xander complimented. "Though I'm sure she's shown her thanks herself."

Andrew blushed bright red as the girls giggled.

"I was wondering if you could clone whole people," Xander told him.

"Easily," Andrew replied. "Remember, all the cloning tech we have I modified from trooper pods since they were the easiest to get ahold of."

"Good, because I have 15 people I'd like cloned."

"Do you have their DNA with you?" Andrew asked, surprised.

"Strand of hair with intact follicle," Xander promised.

"All female?" Andrew asked, wondering if Xander was cloning a harem.

"Ten of them are female, five are male," Xander explained. "If I can't have my friends around me, I figured I'd clone them."

"How long have you been planning this?" Andrew asked.

"Well, first it was just a keepsake. You know, a lock of hair from a friend, but then I learned about magic so it was also an emergency ingredient for a locator spell, that I always kept on me."

"Wish I'd thought of that," Andrew said. "Who all do you have?"

"Willow and Jessie I've had since forever. Cordelia and Anya were added when I dated them, just like I have Oz and Tara because Willow dated them."

"No Kennedy?" Andrew asked.

"I almost lost my life saving her and it cost me an eye," Xander said. "Not only has she never said thank you, she's been a complete bitch to me, so no."

"That's understandable," Andrew admitted.

"Giles, Joyce, and Jana I added for obvious reasons. Giles and Joyce were better parents to me than my own, and Giles dated Jana."

"Six more," Andrew said, passing out omelets to some of the others.

"Buffy, Kendra, and Faith so I have all three slayers," Xander said.

"That's a given," Andrew agreed.

"And for the last three... Dawn, Angel, and Spike."

"Angel and Spike?" Andrew asked. "I'm not even going to ask how you managed to get viable follicles from vampires, but seriously, Angel and Spike?"

Xander sighed. "I know, but despite my distaste for them Buffy did date them, and they did save people at times."

"And still no Kennedy?" Andrew asked, sensing something through the force.

"I also have hair samples of Kennedy and Drucilla," he admitted, "and I thought of cloning myself in there, just to keep the two to one ratio from dropping further."

"So eighteen total," Andrew said firmly.

Xander nodded. "Eighteen total. How do we educate them?"

"Two ways," Andrew said. "One, the synaptic imprinter provided by the empire for flash training clones works quite well if you have one person per handful of clones, as long as he's psychic so he can make the right adjustments."

"And two?" Xander asked.

"We can share memories using a Jedi trance so they know about their origins, plus the girls can teach them the feminine things we don't know."

"Have I mentioned you're a genius lately?"

"Thanks, Xand," Andrew said, already making plans while he finished making breakfast for everyone.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**

**AN: Had some scattered thoughts about where to go with it.**


	35. Chapter 35

**Renfield, Obeys**

**Part 1: YEMF - Ch 3**

Buffy knew Xander tended to hide any injuries he'd received so once Dawn had gone to bed and Joyce had turned in she turned to Xander and said, "Renfield, obey."

Xander stiffened in surprise before relaxing into the trance state Dracula had created. "What is thy bidding, my master?"

"I-" Buffy fell silent for a second, guilt weighing heavily on her shoulders. "I would like to ask you a question and get an honest answer, but I don't want to force you. So I'm feeling bad about doing this, but I'd feel worse if something happened and I could have stopped it," Buffy rambled trying to explain how she felt.

Xander listened passively waiting for a command.

"I want to know if you're OK, physically and emotionally, but I don't want to take advantage of you and order you to tell me against your will," Buffy admitted. "How can I get honest answers without taking advantage of you?" she asked frustrated.

"If you ask how I would feel about answering a question before you ask it you'll know if asking it would be taking advantage of the trance state," Xander replied, answering her direct question.

"Would you mind if I asked how you were physically?" Buffy asked carefully.

"I wouldn't mind answering that question," Xander replied.

Buffy let out a relieved sigh. "How are you physically?"

"A little bruised, which should be completely healed by tomorrow night," Xander replied.

"Would you mind if I asked how you were emotionally?" Buffy asked.

"I would be a little upset at the question, but also relieved at being able to share my feelings with you," Xander replied.

"I don't know if that means I should ask or not," Buffy said. "Would you like me to ask?"

"Yes, I would," Xander replied.

"How are you emotionally?" Buffy asked.

"I am a bit upset that Anya broke up with me, but relieved she's moving somewhere safer. I am overjoyed that Dawn is OK and feeling a bit guilty that I love Summers Girls more than the girl I was dating. I feel an almost painful need for physical contact and I feel a strong sense of disappointment that I won't be having sex later," Xander explained.

"Physical contact?" Buffy asked.

"Holding hands, cuddling, hugs," Xander listed off.

"I can do that," Buffy said. "Cuddling with a friend isn't cheating," she told herself. "Cuddle me," she ordered moving into Xander's arms.

Dawn watched everything from the top of the stairs unsure of what was going on until Buffy had released Xander and said 'end trance'. It looked like the slayer could control people or maybe just men, because Buffy would have used it to on Dawn otherwise. Of course that paled in importance compared to what else she'd heard, Xander had said he loved Summers Girls plural and more than his now ex-girlfriend, that meant Xander loved her!

Dawn crept back to her room smiling so hard it hurt. Xander loved her!

**The Next Day**

Buffy noticed how clingy Dawn seemed to be, finding any excuse to hug Xander or lean against him and felt relieved and a bit envious, figuring the events of the night before had made her crush on him even stronger and wishing she could be as touchy feely without people getting the wrong idea. Dawn would get over her crush eventually, right? Right!

**A Week Later**

Buffy looked at the two Xanders standing in his new apartment and had to almost physically restrain herself from throwing everyone else out and calling out, 'Renfield, obey'. She reminded herself she had a boyfriend, Renfield err Riley.

Later at home she was telling her mom how her day went she smirked at Joyce zoning out and Dawn actually drooling. It was nice to know where she got it and that she wasn't the only one.

**Buffy and Willow's Dorm Room**

"It was nice of her to let us have the room for the night," Tara said, seeing the look in Willow's eyes.

"Yes it was," Willow agreed locking the door.

"And what's got you in a mood?" she asked already knowing the answer.

"I've already told you about my thing with Xander," Willow said, "but what I didn't tell you about was a fantasy I had when I was fourteen and watched Tenchi Myu!"

"Tenchi Myu?" Tara asked with a grin already knowing this was going to be good.

"Yes, Tenchi Myu a Japanese cartoon with a redheaded super genius named Washu. I had this fantasy of being a super genius like her and making myself a dozen Xanders," Willow said. "I stole some hair from his hairbrush but sadly never managed to clone him."

"And what would you do with a dozen of him?" Tara asked unbuttoning her shirt.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Buffy needed someone to talk to, someone who couldn't share what she said and that pretty much narrowed the list of people down to one. "Xander, could you help me train?" Buffy asked, gesturing towards the back room of the Magic Shop.

"Sure," Xander replied wondering what was up, as he could tell from her tone something was on her mind.

Willow eyed the two carefully, pretending to research and wondering if they were having an affair from the strange way they were acting. Giles was on the register dealing with a customer or he'd probably have noticed himself. She waited a minute and snuck after them.

"Renfield, obey," Buffy ordered.

Xander straightened up. "What is thy bidding, my master?"

"I have some stuff I need to talk about, but I can't risk talking to people who'll remember, and since you don't recall anything that happens in the trance I thought you'd be the perfect one to talk to," Buffy admitted. "Would it upset you to use you as a sounding board like this?"

"No, master," Xander replied, "I would welcome the chance to take some of the weight off your shoulders trance state or no. I don't know how well my mind would stand up to telepathic intrusion or others using hypnotic techniques on me to get the information however."

"Dracula was supposed to have mad skills," Buffy joked, "but I'm not just trusting his programming, I'm trusting the fact that only we two know about this, and… I'm trusting you even if I'm using the trance state. Does that make sense?"

"Perfectly, master," Xander replied.

"OK," Buffy said with a sigh and began to share everything she knew about the Glory situation and Dawn being the Key. She talked for fifteen minutes straight before she'd finished and slumped against the wall. "Any comments?" she asked.

"Two, master," Xander said. "One you need to be held and two, your take on the situation with Dawn is flawed."

"Would you mind holding me?" Buffy asked, not wanting to assume anything because she could see a very slippery slope leading to a naked Xander handcuffed to her bed.

"I wouldn't mind and would enjoy it," Xander assured her.

"Hold me," she ordered, sighing and snuggling into his chest as his arms surrounded her. After a minute she asked, "What did I get wrong?"

"If the monks had simply altered our memories Dawn wouldn't have a physical presence. They altered reality so she was born and could hold the Key. Dawn Summers is no less real for magic being used to insure her existence than The Fates insuring you would be born to take up the mantle of slayer and be the hero we love," Xander said. "The world needs Summers Girls to keep on turning."

"Even in a trance you might be a little biased there," Buffy said with a giggle, feeling lighter than she had in a while.

"If you say so, master," he replied with amusement in his voice.

"Thank you for this and for being you," Buffy said.

"I live to serve, master," he replied releasing her.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Buffy asked.

"Many things master, but I doubt your boyfriend would approve."

Buffy giggled. "I think we may have to skip those. Xander, end trance."

"So what do you need help with, Buffster?" Xander asked. "It's not the puffy suit, is it? I swear that thing makes my butt look fat."

Buffy laughed. "I need a jump rope partner."

"Boing, boing, boing," Xander said with a smirk.

Willow snuck off deep in thought. Xander had hypnotic triggers implanted by Dracula, triggers only she and Buffy knew about, Dawn was the Key which Buffy had already shared with her, but she hadn't put as much thought into the implications of that as Xander had. She needed to talk to Tara.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Tara wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, she wanted to dance and hide in bed with a bowl of something sugary and watch Bolliwood movies. Her family had shown up and Willow's friends had shown them the door, completely unconcerned she might be part demon and had even shown some evidence she might be fully human after all!

Tara was slowly beginning to admit to herself that they weren't just Willow's friends, they were hers too.

Xander was taking his time sealing the window that he'd just replaced while she closed up shop for the night. He was wearing a red cape for some reason and she hadn't asked why, but his lips twitched every time he caught her looking.

She locked the front door and turned the sign to closed.

"Done," Xander told her.

"Renfield, obey," Tara said then froze eyes wide as she realized what she'd done.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**

**AN: Yeah, it's slowly heading towards porn…**


	36. Chapter 36

**Harry X. Potter - Predator**

Xander... no, Harry blinked and shook his head, sitting up. He remembered trick-or-treating in Sunnydale... and a lot more.

Xander had dressed as Harry Potter for Halloween... but he dressed as a soldier, didn't he? Harry could recall clearly Xander buying a Harry Potter costume, but then... everything changed and Xander had dressed as a soldier that night. Harry rubbed his temples. He could clearly recall Xander dressing as Harry, but then he remembered Xander dressing as a soldier and those memories continued on until... the unity spell?

"Damn, now I'm never going to know what happened," Harry said, just before a bushy, brown haired missile hit him. Harry pulled her into his lap and held her while she cried on his shoulder. He could barely make out something about a troll? "Oh yeah, the troll," Harry said. "So how'd that turn out anyway?"

Hermione sniffled, her eyes red from crying. "Ron dropped its club on its head."

"He didn't get smooshed under falling troll, did he?"

"Hey!" Ron complained, letting them know he was there.

"Well, Ron's fine, you're fine, I'm fine, so what's with the waterworks?" Harry asked.

"It's all my fault!" she cried and Harry found himself blessing all of his experience as Xander being a comforter.

"You mean you have psychic powers that let you know the future?!" Harry asked, wide eyed.

"No!"

"You deliberately let the troll into the castle?"

"No!"

Harry tilted his head. "Then where is the chain of logic that leads from 'I was upset,' to 'It's all my fault a troll tried to smoosh us'?"

"I - I guess there isn't one," Hermione admitted.

"So you admit it's not your fault?" Harry asked.

"Y - yeah," she said, blushing.

She tried to get up but Harry held her in place. "I still need comforting," he said.

Ron snickered.

"Whoever let the troll in was the person at fault, with a small amount of blame on Ron for upsetting you, but I think knocking out a troll completely makes up for his part."

Hermione started giggling.

"Thank Merlin. I was afraid I was going to have to apologize for a minute," Ron said, relieved.

Hermione had to bury her face against Harry's shoulder to stifle her laughter.

"Are you sure you really want to set the bar at, willing to battle trolls in lieu of an apology?" Harry asked, making Hermione laugh even harder.

It took Ron a couple of seconds to puzzle out what Harry was saying. "For making girls cry being a berk, sure," he admitted. "But for lesser offenses, lesser challenges. Say I accidentally knock her down and she skins her knee. Since it wasn't intentional, all I have to do is wrestle a house elf."

Harry joined Hermione in laughter. "Deal!"

Once they'd all calmed down, Harry asked, "So what happened?"

"You jumped on the troll's back and stuck your wand up its nose to distract it and then for no apparent reason you passed out and fell off a minute later, just before Ron dropped its club on its head and knocked it out," Hermione quickly explained.

"Aaaah," Harry said. "That explains things."

"So what happened?" Ron asked?

"You ever have your entire life flash before your eyes?" Harry replied.

"Yeah, just recently in fact," Ron said.

"Well, turns out it had a bunch of stuff I'd forgotten that was so shocking I passed out," Harry replied. "But that's not important right now."

"It isn't?" Hermione asked.

"No," Harry said. "It isn't. What's important is: ... did someone clean the troll boogeys off my wand before they hardened?"

**Typed By: Ordieth**

**AN: Don't know how long ago I wrote this one.**


	37. Chapter 37

**Sarcastic Insert Marvel**

John yawned and glanced at the monitors again before stretching. It was almost time for shift change. God, he loved working third shift!

He groaned aloud as he saw a line of electronic parts creep along the ground. Grabbing his flashlight and walkie-talkie he quickly called the other security guard at the South End, "Hey, Sam. This is John at the North End. Looks like I got some kind of super villain trying to rob Radio-mart. I'm going to go have a word with him."

The Radio crackled and Sam replied, "You're nuts! Standard procedure is to call it in to the police."

"Yeah and some superhero shows up and they trash half the mall. Screw that, I like our comfy little jobs."

"Fine, but if you don't call in ten minutes I'll have to assume you're dead and call them myself."

"Fine," John replied and rolled his eyes.

He followed the trail of parts to the rear docks where a guy dressed in spandex with a fake pair of antenna attached to his head laughed maniacally.

"Soon my friends, soon we'll have everything we need!"

"Put it back," John ordered calmly, shining his light in the super villain's face.

"No, you'll ruin my evil plan!"

"Let me guess you're just a few parts short of some invention that will allow you to increase your control over insects dramatically, right?"

"How did you know?" the masked man asked, stunned.

"I have a sixth sense about these sort of things," John deadpanned.

"You're a psychic?" the antennaed man asked, examining the guard closely.

"Yeah, let's go with that. You're risking everything for twenty bucks worth of parts that you could probably get from a car stereo."

"I... Really?"

"Yeah I see what the ants are carrying."

"Well… now I just feel foolish," the costumed man said, his shoulders slumping.

"Let me guess, you are doing this because they laughed at your theories and spurned your genius?"

The costumed man's eyes widened as he said, "Your powers are impressive!"

"They sure are," John said dryly. "How about I tell you of the two possible futures I can see for you?"

"I'm listening," he said intently.

"One possible future is you continue on this way in a mask and end up sharing a cell with the Rhino who thinks you have a 'purty mouth'," John said leaning up against the doorway.

The insect guy shuddered.

"Now the second future is you give up a life of crime and take one of several paths to fame and fortune."

"Really?" the insect man asked looking up hopefully.

"Yep, you could use your insect abilities to find lost treasure and become a famous archeologist."

"I… I could do that," he said in wonder.

"You could also go a little more low key to the general public and sell your skills to the 'more money than brains' set in Hollywood, billing yourself as the eco-friendly environmentalist insect wrangler who takes a holistic approach to insect infestations. You have to pretend to be a douche, but you get paid a lot of money and invited to all the best parties."

"I like that idea! How do I do that?" the quickly reforming former super villain asked excitedly.

"Well, first of all, put everything back. Second, burn that outfit. Third, stop by a pawn shop and snag a used car stereo for five bucks so you can finish your invention. After that all you have to do is make sure you're up on the latest terms and buzzwords. Put up a shingle in Hollywood and always say it'll take a ridiculous amount of time before you have an opening, but since it's them you'll be by after lunch. Charge enormous amounts and act like you're doing a huge favor even talking to them."

"I… I'll do it!" he exclaimed, before ripping off the mask, hopping in his van, and vanishing into the darkness.

"How powerful a psychic are you?" came a familiar voice from above.

"I'm not psychic, Peter, I just have common sense."

Spiderman dropped down from his perch.

"Hey, Sam, got rid of the thief with no trouble, going on break now," he announced over the radio.

"Roger wilco and all that, over," the other guard replied.

"You should hang up the webs, they'll only make you miserable. Also, don't date redheads named Mary Jane, she's got enough mental problems to drive you bats. No, great power does not equal great responsibility, well beyond learning to control it so you don't harm others anyway," John lectured.

"And you claim you aren't psychic?" Spiderman asked quizzically.

"Seen the future, but not by use of mental powers. If you weren't fighting the local big-bads, New York's elected representatives would have to do their job and pay people to cover it. I'd suggest getting a nice normal job and finishing college," John said with a sigh, not believing for an instant that the hero would actually listen.

"You make it sound so simple!" Spiderman said with more than a trace of frustration.

"That's because it is simple! It's your own ego that says its' your job to protect the world. People get hurt, you aren't god, let it go!"

"But if I let people get hurt when I could have stopped it-" Spiderman began.

John interrupted him, "There are children starving in Africa at this very moment, which means far more than some measly bank being robbed,but you're not there are you?"

"Well… I..." the hero tried to begin again.

"Save it. You have the right to live your life and you aren't obligated to save everyone regardless of what you think. If you are serious about being a superhero, join a group like the Fantastic Four or the Avengers and take the job seriously, otherwise take a photo of your ass, write 'kiss it' on it, and send it to Jonah while sending letters of resignation to all the other papers stating it's because of harassment."

"Heh," Spiderman chuckled quietly to himself.

John looked at Spiderman and said quietly, "You've done far more good than you think, certainly enough to earn the right to retire."

"I never thought of it that way," Spiderman said skeptically, rubbing the back of his head.

"It's either get serious and give up having a life becoming an emotionless ass, continue as you have and end up missing a leg, divorced, and miserable, or last but not least, retire and actually build yourself a life."

"It's not that easy," Peter protested, tugging at his mask which seemed unusually warm and confining at the moment.

"Sure it is. You still have this victim mindset, where now that you have power and can deal back the shit you've been taking your whole life, you refuse because of some misguided belief that if you stand up for yourself and give it back, you would be agreeing that they had the right to treat you that way when you were weak and they were strong, not to mention becoming like them. Of course that's pretty much a whole lot of crap. Self defense is never equal to assault and that's written in stone!" John practically snarled at him, frustrated.

Peter having no response and feeling backed into a corner, emotionally if not physically, shot out a web and Spiderman quickly fled the scene.

John shook his head, he had been getting through to Peter, but Spiderman was practically encoded in his genes at this point.

"Next self insert my author writes damn well better have whiskey and hookers!" John says shaking his fist at the sky before going back to his post.

**Typing and additional color by: Stephenopolos**


	38. Chapter 38

**A better friend…**

"I just wish, Ron were a better friend," Hermione whispered before she went to bed, as even after helping rescue her from the troll and sacrificing himself to get them through McGonagall's chess set, Ron left a lot to be desired as the friend of a young girl with a fondness for books and learning.

~Wish Granted~ The night seemed to whisper and a young red haired boy in the Gryffindor dorm glowed for a brief moment, before returning to normal.

The next day at breakfast, Hermione noticed Ron was eating even more than he normally did, but showing quite a bit more manners while he did so.

"Oi, Ron! Leave some for the rest of us!" Dean complained.

Ron rolled his eyes. "I don't know why, but I woke up starving this morning."

"So, same old, same old?" one of the twins joked as they passed by Ron towards their customary spot a few seats down the table.

"Yeah," Ron agreed good naturedly, not seeing the twins raise their eyebrows in surprise, "and unless you'd like me to add long-pig to the menu I'd suggest passing more burnt-pig my way."

The twins laughed and passed the bacon while Harry and Neville pretended to scoot away from Ron.

"Not at the table," Hermione scolded with a groan.

"Joke wouldn't make sense anywhere else," Ron replied for once without a mouth full of food in the way.

Despite herself Hermione giggled.

"You seem to be in good spirits this morning," Percy said as he walked in on the scene.

"I've got a guaranteed couple of months where I won't see Snape or Malfoy," Ron said, causing a good deal of laughter at the table.

"Professor Snape, Ron," Hermione compulsively needled even though she didn't care much for the man either.

Ron gave her a look that said 'are you kidding me' before continuing, "If you want to see me in a real good mood, let me kidnap Harry and Hermione for this summer as well!"

"Get your homework done early and Mum may allow them to visit," Percy suggested.

"I will," Ron said, "but just so you know I consider work assigned over vacation to be a sin!"

"A sin?" Hermione asked before anyone else could.

"Yeah, a real crime against nature and humanity," Ron complained. "See, time away from schoolwork so we can relax and reconnect with our family and friends is why we have time away from school, all the work they give us to do over vacation is meaningless crap. If it was important they would assign it in class so we could discuss it and be tested on how well we know it. Nope, It's not just pointless, but bloody buggering pointless! Busy work assigned for no other purpose than to cause stress and reinforce the knowledge that they have authority over us while at the same time trying to implant the idea that school is more important than family."

Everyone stared at Ron speechless.

"So McGonagall's evil?" Lee Jordan asked with wide eyes.

"Without a doubt," Ron agreed.

Sudden Silence descended upon the table.

"And she's standing right behind me isn't she?" Ron asked, sighing in resignation.

"And how exactly am I evil, Mr. Weasley?" Professor McGonagall asked in a stern voice.

Ron turned around slowly to face the Head of Gryffindor House. "You took as many points away from us for being out of bounds one night as we were awarded for preventing the rebirth of a dark lord."

"Your prank on poor Neville was cruel and unwarranted," McGonagall replied.

"What prank?" Ron demanded. "The three of us were up and out after curfew, but then we had to sneak around a lot to find and stop Quirrell, so show me the logic that lead to us pranking Neville."

"Neville quite clearly believed that you three were smuggling a dragon out of Hogwarts as did Mr. Malfoy. Explain to me how that was anything but a prank," she heatedly demanded.

"While I was in the hospital wing, Malfoy went through my things and stole a letter," Ron replied. "The letter did say we were smuggling a dragon out of school."

Hermione winced and Harry's eyes widened, afraid Ron was going to give it all away.

"I was using it as a bookmark, no one else was supposed to read it and unless you knew the code and exactly what we were doing that night you could easily get the wrong idea, which doesn't change the fact that while it could possibly have looked like a prank on Malfoy in no way would that make it a prank on Neville."

"Then what were you doing out?" the professor interrogated through increasingly thin lips.

"Same thing we were doing all school year, since the only adult who was ever remotely helpful was Hagrid and… though it pains me to admit it, Snape. Regardless there was no evidence of anything but Malfoy trying to get us in trouble and Neville trying to warn us. You gave us a punishment worse than anything professor Snape ever did and he's taken off points for Harry not being able to see through the back of his own head."

"I find that hard to believe," McGonagall said doubtfully her face set in stone.

"Our very first class he took off points for Harry not stopping Neville—and mind you this was just after quizzing him to find out he knew nothing about potions—from adding quills at the wrong stage of the potion when Neville was seated behind him. So, yeah, Professor Snape has taken off points for Harry not having eyes in the back of his head," Ron finished with a flourish.

McGonagall looked to Harry uncertainly for confirmation and received a small nod.

"The only person more helpful to the dark lord was Quirrell. You punished us way worse than was necessary and even outright threatened to do worse when we came to you for help. All that and assigning homework over break makes you evil in my eyes."

"McGonagall shook her head. "Enforcing the rules and assigning homework are the duties of a professor and I have apologized for not assisting you that night."

"How you follow orders is as important as what orders you follow," Ron replied without dropping his gaze from the professor, "and I still maintain that homework over vacation is a sin."

McGonagall just rubbed her temples and walked off, muttering something about how Ron's parents hadn't given her such headaches.

"That was concise and logical, wrong of course, but logical," Hermione told him.

"We better go get packed," Harry said. "I don't think it's possible to get detention during break, but we should make ourselves scarce just in case."

~break~

Ron, Harry, and Hermione looked up in surprise as Neville joined them, dragging his trunk. "Room for one more?" the normally quiet boy asked with a grin.

"Sure," Harry said, jumping up to help him put his trunk away.

Neville thanked him and sat down across from Harry and Hermione. "So… What were you doing that night?" he asked.

The three exchanged glances considering what to say.

"Nev," Ron said, "You know we've gone out of our way to not say what we were doing, right?"

"What we were doing could get us in a lot of trouble, even now," Hermione said nervously edging around the topic.

"You just want to make sure it wasn't a prank on you, yeah?" Ron asked.

Neville nodded staring at a point on the floor before looking up. "I know you said it wasn't, but it's just so…"

Harry nodded agreeing with Neville. "It does look suspicious."

"No it doesn't," Ron said. "For it to have been a prank on you, we would have had to have been in on it with Malfoy."

Harry, Hermione, and Ron shared a look of mutual disgust and shuddered.

"Oh!" Neville said, his expression one of understanding. "OK, now I know you weren't trying to prank me. I should have seen that from the start, but McGonagall was so convincing!"

"Evil," Ron said with a nod, while the others rolled their eyes.

"You should get your homework done first, so you don't have it hanging over your head all summer," Hermione suggested.

"That's a horrible idea," Ron said making a face.

"Better than waiting till the last minute," she countered.

"No it's really not," Ron said, switching places with Harry. "You have to look at it logically."

Hermione groaned, "I knew I should have brewed some headache potion before we left!"

"Brew some when you get home," Ron suggested.

"But the restriction of underage sorcery—" Hermione began.

"Is unreasonable and only covers magic done with a wand," Ron interrupted. "Potions brewing is allowed in private."

"Good, I wanted to be able to show my parents at least a little of what I was learning," Hermione said with a smile.

"But back to the homework," Ron said. "If you do it right away you'll completely forget what you did by the time school starts again. Homework is assigned in the belief that you will do it at the last minute, so they can spring a surprise test on your first day back over the material."

"You could just re-read it before school starts again," she suggested.

Ron gave her a look. "Nah, last three days gives you enough time to get it done and keep it fresh for the test."

"Just because there is a method to your madness doesn't mean it's not madness," Hermione told Ron before pulling out a book to read.

"Magic and madness… Forgot where I was going with that, but i'm pretty sure there's an Alice in Wonderland quote that would be perfect," Ron said primly, making her struggle not to laugh as he pulled out one of his own textbooks to read.

"I thought you weren't going to do your homework till just before its time?" Hermione said accusingly.

"I'm not doing homework," Ron replied, "I just had an epiphany!"

"A what?" Neville asked.

"I'm surprised you even know that word," Hermione admitted with narrowed eyes.

"Well, apparently Neville and I don't," Harry replied looking to Hermione.

"Epiphany: a sudden realization or insight," Hermione explained.

"Was your epiphany over the meaning of the word epiphany?" Harry asked, turning to look at Ron.

Ron grinned and Hermione sunk her face into her hands muttering, "It's going to be another 'teachers are evil' speech, I just know it."

"Not quite, though if power corrupts and knowledge is power… Well, study hard and you'll be evil." Ron waited for the three to stop laughing before he continued, "Actually, in magic knowledge is quite literally power. Now, everyone knows i'm a bit lazy." Once more there was a delay for the laughter to stop. "The more power you have the easier it is to do things, so logically the more I learn the lazier I can be."

"My brain hurts," Hermione complained leaning back in her seat and rubbing her head.

"Come on everyone, pick up a book and work on increasing your levels of evil, like our teachers want," Ron encouraged, grinning widely.

"Oh dear God, I understood that!" Hermione groaned sinking further into her seat.

"If you read more you'd understand me better," Ron suggested with a grin.

It was at that point Hermione snapped and tried to strangle him.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	39. Chapter 39

**Random Halloween fragment**

"Has anyone noticed any lingering effects from last night's events?" Giles asked.

"I aced my French final," Buffy offered. "Oh, and I have this really strong urge to knit."

"I ran into the door this morning and bumped my nose," Willow said. "No more ghost girl here."

"Xander?" Giles asked. Xander looked up from the book he was reading.

"Yes?"

"Have you noticed any aftereffects from last night?" Giles asked.

"Sure," he replied. "Buffy is a bit more divorced from reality and living in a fantasy world where she is the center of all existence, though I'm torn over whether that's because of being nobility or French."

"Hey!" Buffy complained.

Ignoring her, Xander turned to Willow. "Willow, being a completely spiritual being for a number of hours has had both her sensitivity and ability to manipulate magic increased by an order of magnitude."

"Oh dear," Giles said, immediately seeing the problem with that.

"That's not good?" Willow guessed.

"Increased sensitivity in this case means you'll be much more prone to magical addiction and darker influences," Giles explained.

"And speaking of magical addiction and darker influences," Xander said, "you got Ethan's blood on you little wrist tattoo last night, waking the Sleepwalker."

"Oh Lord," Giles replied, paling drastically.

"Oh Lord indeed," Xander agreed absently, still reading.

"Xander!" Buffy yelled.

"Yes?" he asked, looking up from his book.

"What the hell happened to you and why are you still wearing that eyepatch?" She demanded, ripping off his eyepatch as she did so, revealing a solid white orb. "Oh God!"

Xander took the eyepatch back from her limp hand and covered his unseeing eye with it once more. "I sacrificed an eye for knowledge."

"Oh Xander," Willow said, horrified at her Xander being hurt. She quickly rushed over and wrapped her arms around him. "We'll fix this, I swear!"

Xander see his book down and hugged her in return. "Not a chance, I'm happy this way."

"But you're half blind!" Willow complained, tears in her eyes.

Xander brought his lips down on hers and didn't come up until air became an issue. "I see a lot more with one eye than I ever saw with two."

Willow buried her face in his chest and held him tight.

_**Typing by: AEthereal Devastation**_

_**AN: Odin rules!**_


	40. Chapter 40

**Renfield Obeys 3**

"What is thy bidding, my Master?" Xander asked Tara who stared at him in horror.

"I— I didn't mean to do that," Tara stuttered out.

Xander stood quietly awaiting orders.

"How do I undo this?" Tara worried.

"You say 'end trance,'" Xander replied calmly.

"And you won't remember anything," Tara remembered.

"No, Master," Xander agreed.

"Sorry, I forgot," Tara apologized. "Me and Willow talked about this, she saw Buffy use the hypnotic trigger and noted how Buffy was careful about getting your permission before ordering you to do anything."

A couple of minutes went by while Tara closed curtains and turned off lights, waiting for her heartbeat to slow down to something approaching normal. "I... Are you mad at me?" Tara asked.

"I feel no anger towards you at all," Xander replied easily.

"If I order you to do something you would prefer not to do, please stop and tell me rather than obeying the order," Tara said.

"Yes, Master," Xander agreed.

"Why did you help protect me from my family? What am I to you?" Tara asked.

"You're one of us," Xander replied instantly. "You are special to me because you're special to Willow, though I am leaning towards you being special just for being you the more I get to know you."

Tara felt like her face was on fire she was blushing so hard. "Hug," she ordered, holding out her arms, eyes closed.

Xander hugged her and a series of shudders ran up and down her body. "Ohhh," she squeaked. "I didn't expect that."

Xander said nothing as she released him and stepped back.

"I… erm really liked you obeying my orders," she admitted. "I am going to have to talk to Willow about that."

Xander stood there, awaiting orders.

"Does that make you think less of me?" Tara asked timidly.

"No, Master," Xander assured her.

"Good," Tara replied relieved. "It would be wrong of me to order you to hug me again without talking to Willow first, wouldn't it?"

"Yes it would," Xander agreed.

"Thank you," Tara said, smiling warmly at Xander. "You laid some of my worries to rest and taught me something new about myself. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"There are many things you could do for me, Master," Xander said agreeably, with just a hint of a smirk on his lips.

"Too open ended," Tara realized. "Is there anything you want me to do for you?"

"Many things, Master," Xander said his smirk growing just a tad bigger.

"Please tell me one so I can do it," Tara said.

"I would rather not, Master," Xander replied.

"Why not?" Tara asked curiously.

"Because it would adversely affect your relationship with Willow," Xander replied.

"Oh," Tara said blushing once more. "R-Rain check," Tara stuttered out. "Thank you and I better end this before I do something wrong. End trance."

"And the window's done," Xander said before stiffening a little and turning his tool belt so his crotch was covered by the nail pouch. "I have to use the restroom, be right back."

Tara pretended not to notice, finishing up her work with a guilty smile and leaving before Xander returned.

**The Next Day**

Willow took a deep breath and let it out, trying to calm herself. She'd seen Buffy do this, so it wasn't a big deal right? Right!

"You wanted to see me, Willow?" Xander asked, as he entered the training room in the rear of The Magic Box.

"Renfield, obey," Willow said quickly before she could chicken out.

Xander's habitual slouch vanished and he seemed to grow larger, projecting his presence to the room in a way Willow rarely got to see. "What is thy bidding, my Master?"

Willow trembled and took a moment to get control over herself, suddenly very happy that she and Tara had talked about this before she'd done this. "Please tell me about the trance state you're in," Willow ordered.

"The Master implanted me with a hypnotic trigger sending me into a trance state every time I hear the words 'Renfield Obey,'. His orders were to refer to my controller as Master, follow their commands, and be polite. Buffy added the order that while outside of the trance state I would not remember what had occurred while inside of it. Tara added the order that I was to not follow orders I did not wish to and instead was to explain why I did not wish to follow an order."

"Tara is a sweetie, isn't she?" Willow said with a smile.

"Yes, she is, Master," Xander answered in agreement.

"Do you like my girlfriend?" Willow asked curiously.

"Very much so, Master," Xander replied.

"I mean in a boy-girl manner," Willow expounded.

"My answer remains the same, Master."

"I had a talk with her and just for future reference, you have my permission to follow any orders she gives without worrying about it hurting our relationship. She hasn't had it easy growing up and she has issues which you would be able to help her with."

"I hear and obey, Master," Xander replied.

"She also gave me blanket permission," Willow admitted. "Mine are mostly just… I should probably talk to you outside the trance, because really, we just need to talk more, not fulfill my sexual checklist for things I wish I'd done with you when we were in high school, even if Tara has given me permission and I have got to stop talking before I say the right... err the wrong thing. Hug"

Xander stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her as she caught her breath.

"You know I love you, right?" Willow asked, voice slightly muffled against his chest.

"Yes, Master," Xander agreed softly.

"I didn't have to ask if you love me," she told him. "That is one thing I've never doubted. I've often doubted your sanity and that you were in control of your penis, but never once have I doubted you love me."

Xander squeezed her tightly.

"You're still you in there," she said, "but you would totally obey any kinky sexual commands I give, wouldn't you?"

"Tara gave her permission, so in a heartbeat, Master," Xander replied.

"And any commands to not be able to hear the trance command would be ignored, wouldn't they?" Willow asked already knowing the answer.

"Yes Master," Xander replied.

"Eat better, exercise more, and take better care of yourself," Willow ordered, "All of us belong to each other as much as ourselves it seems, so the least we can do is take care of our property."

"Yes, Master," Xander agreed.

Willow stepped back and wiped her eyes. Once she was presentable she said, "End trance. Me and Tara were going to start working out and I wanted to know if you'd be an exercise buddy."

"I have been wanted to get in better shape," he admitted, "Sounds like fun. Will the two of you be wearing… Spandex?"

"Willow blushed and laughed. "Perv. Probably baggy clothes and sweat pants."

"And yet I still want to see it," he said with a grin.

"We'll be doing it in the evenings after the shop closes."

"I'll be here," he promised.

"Love you," Willow said giving him a hug.

"Love you too," he replied giving her a squeeze.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**T/N: Stephenopolos Obeys!**


	41. Chapter 41

**Teacher's Aide**

Ranma shook his head. He'd tried, he really had, but family honor or not, there was a limit to what even he was willing to put up with. He didn't have to bother being quiet as Genma's snores easily covered any sounds he made as he packed. He took one last look around the room when he'd finished and could only sigh.

"You'd think I'd have more stuff after so long living in one place," he muttered, but thinking over things he could see why he didn't. Anything valuable he'd gotten, like that small gold nugget he'd found when they were camping, Genma had hocked if Nabiki hadn't snagged it first. Even the cheap gold plated trophy he'd won for beating Kuno had vanished, no doubt now on the Kuno's mantle with the name changed.

Items of personal significance had equal chance of being destroyed by his wakeup call from Akane or Genma. His alarm clock might as well have been made of stone for all the use it'd gotten. He wasn't even sure what it sounded like.

Picking up his backpack he was surprised by the weight for a moment until he remembered he'd been tossing all the weapons people had tried to kill him with in there. "I guess I have collected a bit of stuff after all," he chuckled humorlessly.

He closed the door behind him and walked downstairs, he had his hand on the door before he was stopped

"You're leaving then?" Kasumi asked from the table where she was sipping tea.

"Yep, I've reached my limit," Ranma replied not turning around.

"What about your honor?" she asked.

"Akane broke the engagement," he said with a shrug.

"You know she didn't mean it."

"She's broken it over a dozen times and impugns my honor daily, while defending someone who's trying to kill me," Ranma said without blunting his words. "If I was a more honorable man I'd request her head from the Tendo clan or be forced to declare a blood feud."

Kasumi winced. "Thank you for being merciful."

"Don't mention it."

"There are other Tendo daughters."

"One of which has behaved worse than the yakuza towards me."

"And the other?" Kasumi found herself holding her breath as she waited for the answer.

"Declined the honor very firmly, she has made living here almost bearable," Ranma said finally, before vanishing through the door.

"But lacks the strength to control her family," Kasumi said to the air as a tear rolled down her cheek.

Ranma felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders as he left the Tendo household. He was free.

It had been nice to stay in one place for a while until Genma's misdeeds had started catching up with them and somehow became Ranma's problems. He wasn't too fond of the locals heaping their problems on him either and between Akane and Shampoo he hadn't made all that many friends.

"Time for another ward," he thought to himself.

Tokyo was easily large enough to lose yourself in and never be found with just a little effort…

Ranma wore his trademark black and red fighting tongs as he hit the docks while the sun rose, asking questions about boats that fished the waters just a few miles off the shores of china, making sure to take notes.

Just because he wasn't planning to make the trip right now didn't mean he wouldn't in the future, though he had some serious doubts about the cure for his curse being found at Jusenkyo it still seemed like the best place to start his search for one.

Ducking under the pier he quickly switched clothes, gender, and tied a scarf over her hair, while hanging by her toes. The heavy backpack vanished up one of her sleeves almost as smoothly as Mousse could have done it, as she moved across the underside of the pier like a spider, only to pop back up between a stack of crates fifty feet away.

With her bright red hair concealed under a dark scarf and her figure disguised with a baggy sweater, Ranma chose a direction at random and started walking until she reached a bus-stop and caught a ride to whatever train station it connected to. For nine in the morning on a Saturday the place was surprisingly full. Seeing a large group of middle-schoolers she couldn't help but smile as she got into line behind them thankful for once of her female form's small stature.

"Twelve hundred and fifty yen," the ticket master said mechanically, assuming Ranma was one of the students returning from the trip.

Ranma paid for her ticket and followed the students on-board not sure where they were going, but sure she wouldn't stand out in anyone's mind as a girl traveling alone or heading towards anywhere she would have picked herself, making tracking her even more difficult for anyone who knew her.

*** Juuban Prefecture - Minato Line *** the engineer announced as the train pulled into the station and the group of students prepared to exit.

While Ranma could have wished for a more distant destination, she had to admit this wasn't a place she would have chosen to vanish into, making it perfect for her needs.

Stepping off the train she headed for the nearest drug store and bought some brown hair dye, and used a love hotel to apply it, darkening her scarlet hair into a reddish brown that wasn't all that uncommon.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	42. Chapter 42

**Wish upon a star**

***flashback***

"You can't change the past, it just doesn't work that way, I know you don't like it but you just have to accept the fact that you're dying. All you can do is put your affairs in order and find something productive to do with your final days."

Xander laughed. "I've kept my affairs in order for the last decade and the fact that I've made it this long is nothing short of amazing. Comes from having friends who'll sacrifice themselves for you just as you will for them."

He shook his head and placed a hand on the watcher's shoulder. "I'd be dead already if not for the primal spirit bonded to me and yes I have accepted that I'm going to die shortly, that's why I'm doing this, not because I expect to escape my fate, but because I want my death to mean something."

"But the past is immutable, it can't be changed. You'll be sacrificing your last few days for no reason!"

"And prophecies can't be broken." Xander smirked.

"B—But even if you're right you'll be displaced by your earlier self and unable to alter things after only a few seconds."

"Sometimes a few words is all it takes."

*** end flashback ***

Looking down at himself he wondered what had happened. This was obviously not his body, because he'd never been in this kind of shape and he was missing a lot of scars and body hair.

The redhead said something that he didn't understand so he shrugged and tried a handful of languages. She showed some recognition to Chinese, but shook her head to show she didn't speak it.

Sighing she leaned the staff against the wall and bent over to pick up a sheathed sword and caught him looking at her ass.

He gave her a grin and shrugged, he hadn't felt this hormonal since he was a teen… or the first week he'd finally bonded with the hyena for that matter. Come to think of it he felt a lot stronger than he usually did, even including tapping into the hyena.

She shook a finger at him in the universal naughty-naughty sign, but her blush showed she was at least a little pleased.

She waved at him to follow her and lead him out into the hall of a house that was clearly of Asian design. They reached the bottom of the stairs where he saw two attractive dark haired young ladies who also didn't speak Chinese apparently and he was guided to change his house slippers for outdoor slippers.

It was a nice day outside and from the buildings and signs he decided he was definitely in either Korea or Japan, if one existed where the people were mostly Caucasian with only a touch of Asian blood. Yeah, Xander was pretty sure he was a long way from the Hellmouth and his home dimension.

The redhead pointed out a Chinese restaurant they were heading for and Xander smiled figuring she was taking him there to find someone who spoke Chinese so they could translate.

As they stepped in the door a purple haired blur attached itself to him, calling out, "My love!"

'She is extremely well built and cute as can be, shame I didn't know who she is,' Xander thought to himself. "Well my day just got better," Xander said in Chinese, shocking the girl.

"You learned Chinese?" She squealed happily and tried to remove Xander's tonsils with her tongue, which Xander co-operated with enthusiastically, until an old woman with a cane separate them.

"Shampoo, son-in-lay may not be himself at the moment so try not to molest him too much," the old woman said, doing an impressive job of balancing on a cane.

"Well whoever I am right now is feeling kinda fuzzy," Xander said, surprising the old woman, "But I support this young woman's right to molest me whenever she feels like!"

The old woman translated what Xander had said, making the redhead laugh while Shampoo beamed, and leaned into Ranma.

"So if you aren't Ranma, who are you?" Shampoo asked, wondering if Ranma had gotten amnesia again.

"My name is Alexander Harris, but my friends call me Xander."

"Are you sure you're not Ranma?" Shampoo pleaded, the joy of having her love return her affection not being something she wanted to lose.

"I may be him as well," Xander admitted. "We don't have enough details on what's going on put together yet to even hazard a guess."

"How can you be Xander and Ranma?" Shampoo asked, a little confused.

"I could be a former incarnation of Ranma or he could be a former incarnation of me, I could also just be a set of memories that were given to him, so he thinks he is me, if that makes any sense."

The old woman who had been keeping up a running translation for the redhead finally jumped into the conversation herself, "Well your mother said she used a minor staff of magi to wish for you to be freed of your father's mistakes."

Xander winced. "Try not to say the 'w' word around me. You never know when a vengeance demon might be listening and wishes in general are more trouble than they're worth."

The old woman nodded, but before she could say anything Xander spoke up, "Wait, the redhead is my mother?"

"Yes, Nodoka Saotome, the redhead who brought you here, is your mother."

"Now I feel guilty for checking out her rear when she bent over, but in my defense my weakness has always been redheads," Xander said causing all three of the women to laugh, as Cologne had translated what he'd said.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	43. Chapter 43

**Pest Control**

"Need a ride?" Xander asked as he pulled in to the bus-stop.

"Xander?" Cordelia asked, surprised to see him.

"I'm assuming you're going to LA, but considering I plan on seeing all the states, the offer still stands," the dark haired young man promised.

"And what if I say Hawaii?" she asked with a grin.

"Then LAX is on the way, but considering the price of last minute tickets to Hawaii, we'd be sleeping on the beach."

"Hawaii," she challenged.

"Hop in," he replied.

Cordelia tossed her bags in the back seat and got in. As they drove off she realized he was completely serious. "I was joking about Hawaii. I have a cousin in LA who's putting me up for a few weeks."

"Good, cause if I left this car in long term storage the parking fees would be more than it's bluebook value," he joked.

"I always thought you were kidding about going on a roadtrip," Cordelia admitted. "I mean, have you ever even left Sunnydale?"

"No, can't say that I have," Xander admitted, "Which is just one more reason to do so, I was born and semi-raised in Sunnydale. Sure I've seen the mouth of Hell, and possess memories of hunting in Africa, and serving in various military units the world over, but… I forgot where I was going with this."

Cordelia laughed.

"Anyway Jack Kerouac wrote about his trip across America and it inspired me to do the same. I wanna see what there is to see before I return to the Hellmouth and go back to hunting monsters."

"High School's over," Cordelia said, "why do you have to be the one to hunt them?"

"Because they're there?" he asked. "The only thing that is required for evil to win is for good men to stand aside and do nothing," he quoted, "I'm not willing to stand aside."

"Better gas up," Cordelia said, deciding to change the subject rather than rehash old arguments.

Seeing it was another twenty miles to the next exit, Xander pulled off into a small hole in the wall town called Oatmen. Apparently it was a small town with a sense of humor about itself because he saw a store selling shirts that read 'Where the hell is Oatmen?'.

"Tourist trap," Cordelia said as she took in the town, which had taken steps to preserve its boom town roots. The mining museum and wooden sidewalks caught her eye however.

"Wanna look around?" Xander asked, seeing her interest.

"I don't want to delay your trip too much," she replied politely.

"Seeing little out of the way places like this is the reason for my trip."

"Then yeah, I would like to look around," she admitted.

"Good, cause I've never walked on wooden sidewalks or seen a real saloon before."

The two had a lot of fun poking around the town, finding the locals friendly and the town history interesting, especially the pictures they had of running their first mayor out of town on a rail. Xander bought a framed copy to send to Giles, figuring he'd get a kick out of seeing Richard Wilkins covered in tar and feathers.

They were eating lunch in the saloon when there was a loud boom like a cannon going off outside.

The sheriff poked his head in the front door a couple of minutes later and looked at Xander. "You weren't too attached to your car, were you?"

Xander groaned. "Not in particular, but it's going to be pretty hard to see the U.S. without a car."

The sheriff looked relieved. "As long as you're not too picky I can solve that problem. I've got a couple of cars on the impound lot you can choose from, I just don't want to deal with the insurance paperwork I'd have to fill out to explain how my nine year old nephew managed to shoot your car with an antique cannon."

"You're joking," Cordelia said, looking at the sheriff in disbelief.

"Nope, apparently there was an episode of MacGyver that had him improvising a canon of some sort using magnesium from a ten speed bike frame and rust and well…"

"Can we get pictures of him standing on the car wearing civil war gear?" Xander asked. "Because I want this in my photo album."

Seeing that Xander was more amused than anything else the sheriff smiled cheerfully. "We'll have to get it done quick, unless you want him with tears on his face 'cause his mama is going to whoop his ass when she finds out and this is a very small town."

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**A/N: Just an idea for Cordelia joining the roadtrip.**


	44. Chapter 44

**Marked**

"Hi!" Xander said, startling the blonde haired girl who jumped and gave off a little shriek.

"H-hi," Tara stuttered out, shrinking into herself and averting her eyes to the floor.

Xander winced, finding it actually physically painful to see Tara looking as downtrodden. "I'm here to kidnap you. My name is Xander."

Tara's eyes opened so wide Xander thought they might fall out, before she remembered herself and quickly stared at the floor, shaking.

"Let's go pack your bags, we only have a couple of hours before the menfolk wake up."

"W-wake up?" Tara asked as she automatically moved to obey his commands.

"Tranquilizer pistol," Xander explained as he followed her to her bedroom, taking note of scratches on the hardwood floor that showed she'd blocked the door more than a few times.

Tara pulled out a half dozen old fashioned dresses like the one she had on, colorless, shapeless, and about as feminine as sackcloth and ashes, and laid them on the bed. She paused at her dresser and Xander quickly said, "I'll step outside and let you pack your unmentionables yourself. Let me know when you have everything."

"Ok," she said quietly.

It was only a couple of minutes before the door opened and Tara came out with a large Levi purse that almost qualified as a backpack.

"I- I'm ready," she said meekly.

"You'll need to take your mother's things," Xander said. "If you leave them here, your father will destroy them."

"They're l-locked in a trunk," she almost whispered. "Da-daddy didn't want them influencing anyone."

"Show me where," Xander said.

Tara shrank away from him as she stepped around him before leading him into the cellar where a large steamer trunk was chained shut. "Da-daddy didn't want any — anyone opening it."

Xander picked it up with some difficulty. "I'll cut the chains off when I get a chance so you can access your mother's things again," he promised. "I've parked our ride out front, but you best lead the way just in case I fall carrying this up the stairs."

Tara walked ahead of Xander and didn't even try to run away or push him down the stairs, both of which would have been absurdly easy to do with him burdened the way he was.

A Winnebago covered in camouflage netting was in front of the house. The engine was running quietly only noticeable by the exhaust vapor, visible in the light from the porch.

Xander set the trunk down and opened the door. "Get in," he ordered, following behind her and guiding her to the front passenger seat, "and buckle up."

It seemed no time at all had passed before he'd placed the trunk in the back and climbed in the driver's seat.

She was surprised he could see with the headlights off and the sun not yet risen, but he seemed to do fine as he took her from the dirt roads in her hometown to the pavement of the deserted interstate.

It was over an hour before he pulled into an empty rest stop and started removing the camouflage netting. "You can get out, stretch your legs, and use the restroom," he suggested.

Tara used the restroom and gathered her thoughts. she wasn't sure why he'd kidnapped her, but the fact that he knew about her mother meant it was probably for something bad. She'd try and run but she had nowhere to go, even if she could get away from him.

Xander had set Tara's mother's trunk on a picnic table and was using a hacksaw to cut through the chain on it, when she returned. "I'll have it opened for you in just a minute," he said before finally cutting through the lock and removing the chains. "It's all yours," he said motioning her towards it.

Tara placed her hand on it and felt a warmth she associated with her mother and one that signified her mother had blood warded it. "I-I need a few things to open it," she admitted.

"Anything rare or can we pick it all up at your standard magic shop?" he asked.

"I- I've never been in a shop," she admitted.

"That's ok," he assured her. "I'll take you to one and we'll see where we have to go from there."

She nodded quietly while he loaded the steamer trunk back in the Winnebago.

"Do you want to see Vegas, the Grand Canyon, or anyplace like that?" Xander asked.

"Wh-what?" Tara stuttered out, surprised.

"We are going to be traveling for a while and the destination isn't really important, so what part of the U.S. would you like to see?" Xander asked.

"I-I don't know," she admitted.

"You always gave off a mature vibe," Xander said, having figured she would have said something like that. "So… Crater Lake national park it is."

Despite herself Tara looked interested.

"We'll hit a magic shop on the way so you can have access to your mother's stuff," Xander promised. "I don't have a plan and I didn't really think much beyond kidnapping you. So, I figure giving you access to your mother's things will make you feel safer and more secure."

Tara nodded, wondering how powerful he was that he needn't fear her using magic against him. It was a frightening prospect.

"Do you have any objections to dying your hair black and putting it in a braid?" he asked.

She quietly shook her head.

"I also have some clear glasses for you to wear and we'll see about getting you some new clothes," Xander said, figuring out the easiest way to change her appearance, in case her family reported her missing.

She nodded, worrying about how he would make her dress. Was he going to make her dress like those girls father had pointed at on TV and called whores? Would she be able to resist or would this awaken her succubus blood and start her descent into becoming a whore herself?

It was a two hour drive to the next town and his attempts to sing along with the radio convinced her he was a demon because nothing human should sound that bad!

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: Kidnapping someone, even for a good reason, doesn't leave the best of impressions…**


	45. Chapter 45

**Wood it work?**

Nine year old Willow Rosenberg was a girl on a mission. She loved reading and wanted to share that love with Xander and Jessie, more Xander than Jessie, who was currently deemed a poopyhead for a surprise water balloon attack while she was holding Harvey, who had taken three trips through the dryer to dry out. Fortunately her stuffed bear slash backpack absorbed all the water before it could ruin her books.

Xander and Jessie weren't big readers, unless there were lots of pictures and characters that gave the reader an unreasonable expectation of what the human body should look like AKA comic books. Fortunately Willow had just the thing to capture their attention—she had… Narnia!

**A week later**

"That was awesome!" Xander said when Willow finished reading the book aloud.

"Yeah," Jessie agreed. "I'm going to give those books on tapes thing a shot."

"What?" Willow asked confused.

"Hearing you read it was cool," Jessie told her, "much better than reading it myself, which is what those books on tape things are for, so I can read books without reading them."

"OK," Willow said with a frown.

"Read the start again," Xander told her, clearly enthralled.

"Wouldn't you rather read it yourself?" she asked hopefully.

"It'll be faster if you read it while I copy it down," Xander told her, confusing her.

**One Month Later…**

"What do you think, Wils?"

Willow looked at the poorly made wardrobe. "It needs a lot of work," she admitted. "But it's a big improvement over your last one," she encouraged.

"I found a better source of wood than the scraps of plywood they let me have at the lumberyard," Xander explained.

"The nails look a lot neater too!"

"I think I got the hang of them," Xander agreed.

"I found a book on furniture making, an old one like you asked for," Willow said, holding out a large hardback book.

Xander accepted the book and skimmed through it, his eyes lighting up as he saw what was in it.

He would forever deny he squealed like a teenage girl at a concert, not that Willow noticed as he'd swept her up in a hug and kissed her cheek, thanking her profusely.

Willow suddenly found furniture making a fascinating field.

"I need a dictionary," Xander said.

"I have one at my house," Willow quickly said. "I could make us lunch!"

"How about _**WE**_ make lunch?" Xander suggested, remembering a seven year old willow covered in flour and maple syrup from her attempts to make pancakes.

"You're thinking about the pancake incident, aren't you?" Willow accused, recognizing the look in his eye and the grin on his lips.

"Remember when we made spaghetti?" Xander asked not answering her.

"Yeah we made way too much, just like I said we would, and cleanup would have been easier if you'd listened to me beforehand, but it turned out great."

"Exactly, so if 'we' make lunch I expect nothing but success!"

"Then 'we' will clean up afterwards," Willow teased, knowing he'd tried to back out last time.

"Deal!"

**That Night**

Ira took Shelia's coat and put it away with his own when they stepped in the door.

"Something smells good," Shelia noted.

Ira followed her into the kitchen where they found a clean kitchen, enough meatloaf for a half dozen people warming in the oven, and a large pot of mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables. "Our little girl is almost old enough to take care of herself," he said proudly, as he saw the dinner she'd made for them.

"Certainly mature enough for us to attend some local conventions," Shelia said thoughtfully. "Just during the weekends of course."

"Of course," he agreed. They'd both been looking forward to a convention on sexual politics and bondage and discipline being held in San Diego, but it wasn't something they thought Willow should be exposed to until she was older.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The moment he saw her he knew something was wrong. He set down his sandpaper and walked over to her. "Are you ok?"

"Kinda, yeah… no," Willow admitted. "Mom and Dad are going to a convention and they said I'm old enough to look after myself for a couple of days…"

"Would you like me to come over?" Xander offered.

"Could you?" Willow asked hopefully.

"It's summer, as long as I show up for dinner or tell them I'm eating at a friend's they won't even notice I'm gone," Xander replied.

Willow hugged him tightly, feeling guilty because she knew the trouble he was having at home and for once she was glad of it as it meant he had more time for her.

**That Night**

Willow set the table and Xander heated up the leftovers from what they'd made the day before. They talked about the latest movies and what cartoons they liked and then they cleaned up and washed the dishes together.

The fact that her parents were gone faded from her thoughts. She'd just had dinner with Xander and talked about their days like her parents did. It was almost like she and Xander were a couple.

Xander changed into his pajamas in the bathroom while Willow changed in her room. When he rejoined her she realized she hadn't thought about where he was going to sleep.

Xander hadn't considered it either and it'd been a couple of years since he'd slept over. (Willow's parents had stopped letting her have sleepovers with Jessie and Xander when she turned seven) so he simply climbed into her bed like he was used to.

Willow turned off the light and climbed into bed, sure that she didn't need a nightlight as her blush could probably be seen from space. Mustering up her courage she planned out what she was going to say and then squeaked out the word, "Boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend," Xander agreed grabbing her hand under the covers.

They fell asleep holding hands and smiling.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Willow and Xander looked over their newest creation. With Willow helping to puzzle out some of the more difficult passages they'd made a sea chest using methods of construction that had gone out of style at the turn of the century. Carefully sanded and fitted wood was fastened together using wooden pegs soaked in water and hammered in place using a wooden mallet.

Sitting in the front yard drinking lemonade they admired the fruits of their labor.

"OK, I admit this way of putting together furniture is superior," Xander said. "It takes a lot more preparation to get everything ready, but it fits together a lot better."

"The book says we need whale oil and beeswax for the finish," Willow said.

"I know where to get whale oil," Xander said.

"Where?" Willow asked curiously.

"None of your beeswax," Xander replied and started tickling her.

After the tickle fight had finished, Willow asked, "Do you really know where to get whale oil?"

"No, but the furniture place downtown has been there since forever, so they might know," Xander replied. "We'll take it down there and ask."

"It's kinda heavy," Willow pointed out, not looking forward to trying to carry it onto the bus.

Jessie's been looking for an excuse to drive Uncle Rory's truck again anyway," Xander offered.

"We almost got caught last time," Willow reminded him.

"Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades," Xander replied.

"I'll get the police scanner," Willow said with a sigh.

"We'll take back alleys all the way," Xander promised.

"Just make sure there's room under the seat for me to hide if we get pulled over," Willow said.

"We'll wear our troll masks," Xander added, "That way they won't even recognize us!"

**Half an hour later…**

The officer took one look at the three figures in the truck and immediately turned and left, not saying a word.

"Good call on the masks," Jessie said starting the truck back up.

"Weird," Willow said, relieved she wasn't going to have to call her parents for bail money.

"Your driving is getting better," Xander told Jessie, "you only hit three trash cans on that last block."

"It's hard to see out of my mask," Jessie admitted.

"I told you to widen the eye-holes," Willow said before giving him an order, "trade masks with me."

Taking off and switching masks only took a couple of seconds.

"I can see!" Jessie exclaimed like a blind man opening his eyes for the first time.

"I'm nearly blind in this," Willow said, "I'm surprised you managed to miss any cans at all!"

"Miss?" Jessie asked, "I was using them to make sure I wasn't going to hit any buildings."

"Next time we wear helmets and pads," Xander told willow as Jessie drove on, accidentally bouncing a trashcan off the bumper.

They pulled into the back of Max's furniture and got out of the truck. Before they could take off their masks a large bald, grey skinned… creature, that was at least nine feet tall stepped off the loading dock and picked the chest off the back of the truck and took it inside.

"That was not a costume," Willow said as the three stood there in shock.

"I knew it!" Xander said grinning beneath his mask.

Max, an older man in his mid-fifties who looked like he didn't eat enough, came outside. "It's good work, a bit amateurish, but built using the old ways. I'll give you four-fifty for it, unless you'd prefer some other method of payment."

"Cash is king," Jessie said accepting the money.

"Get any more pieces of that quality in, bring them by," Max said, heading back inside.

Jessie peeled off fifty and handed four hundred dollars to Xander. "We are ordering pizza!"

"What did you know?" Willow asked Xander.

"I knew Narnia wasn't just a story!" Xander said picking up Willow and swinging her around.

"That's why you are building furniture!" Willow exclaimed. "You want to go to Narnia!"

"Dude, seriously?" Jessie asked.

"The cops and Max thought we were something other than human," Xander said, "and you saw that grey… guy. There is a lot more out there than we know and I am going to find a way to Narnia."

"I'm in," Willow said.

"So am I," Jessie agreed. "Now let's get your uncle's truck back and make some plans."

"Plans?" Xander asked.

"We have a way to make money so we don't have to keep stealing wood from abandoned houses and scavenging for the tools you need," Jessie said, "we need a workshop and some place to figure out what to do next."

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: An earlier start for the three.**

**TN: Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you. …King of the Cretins.**


	46. Chapter 46

**Contamination**

Ron sat in the lotus position and tried to meditate on anything other the fact that folding his legs like that hurt like hell! Still and serene was what he was going for, not pissed and in pain. Doing his best to ignore it he focused on his breathing and recalled what sensei had taught him, breathe in fresh air, breathe out negativity.

A soft blue glow outlined his form as he and his naked mole rat partner began to float in place, opening themselves up to the universe… It was probably the worst possible time for him to face a mental attack of any sort, so naturally that's when it happened.

An explosion of gold flames outlined his face momentarily eclipsing the blue before becoming hopelessly muddled together and winking out, dropping him on his ass with a thud. "Ow!"

"You ok?" Rufus asked, looking at him curiously.

"Five by five," he replied absently as he untangled himself and stood up, looking around his room as if he was seeing it for the first time.

"Five by what?" Rufus muttered confused.

"Means, I'm good," he promised as he began going through his clothes to find something that fit a little better. He'd never been all that fond of baggy jeans and hoodies, but fortunately he had some jeans that fit and a good collection of Hawaiian shirts in the closet.

He frowned at the lack of weapons, as he didn't even have a pocket knife in his room, but he supposed Middleton was pretty safe.

"Ron!" someone called from outside.

He opened up his window and stuck his head out, seeing Kim waiting for him next to his scooter. "I'll be right down," he promised, ducking back inside to grab his backpack. "See you after school, Rufus."

The mole rat waved and hopped on the computer, to see if he could beat his score for pwning noobs on Counterstrike, cause on the internet nobody knows you're a naked mole rat.

Kim was a bit surprised to see Ron had switched from baggy cargo pants to tight Levi's and Hawaiian shirts, but figured it must be laundry day so she didn't comment as she hopped on the back of Ron's scooter and rode to school.

"I really should get a better bike," Ron said as they stowed their helmets in the 'trunk'.

"I suggested moving up to at least a Mo-Ped, but you said it got great gas mileage," Kim pointed out combing out her hair to get rid of the helmet hair.

"A motorcycle for sunny days and a car for the rest," he decided and after a moments thought added, "or a van."

"New look, same old loser," Bonnie said as she showed up with Tara who gave him a timid wave.

"I know you've no doubt heard it before," Ron said shaking his head, "but your last name really suits you."

"Rockwaller?" Tara asked.

"Rhymes with Rottweiler," Ron nodded.

"Attack dog?" Kim guessed as she looked at Bonnie Rockwaller.

"I was going for complete bitch, but whatever," Ron said, not noticing the shocked looks on the girls' faces as he left for class.

"You have been crackin' on him kinda hard," Tara pointed out.

"Yeah, but Ron's always just waved it off before," Kim said shaking her head. "Bonnie, have you done something to really offend him lately?"

"I - I don't think so," she said wondering what she could have done to get such a vicious response from one of the most inoffensive people she knew!

"I'll talk to him," Kim promised hurrying to catch up.

Ron found himself so bored in his classes he guessed what the homework would be and completed it during class, when even that didn't eat up enough time he translated it into various languages as well. He'd never realized how boring his classes were and decided to bring a book to read from now on. The bell rang and Ron let out a relieved sigh, lunch had arrived and the school day was half over.

"Ron," Kim said tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention.

"Yeah, Kim?"

"What you said to Bonnie was really harsh. Did she do something really mean to you lately?"

"I meant it the same way she did, calling me a loser," Ron said mentally going over what had happened and realizing he had gone a bit overboard, as they seemed to keep the insults to one another solidly in the G rating.

"Well it really upset her."

"I'll track her down during lunch and apologize," he promised.

"Good," Kim said relieved, just before her kimmunicator went off.

"I'll find her quickly," he said rushing off to catch her before she got too far. "Hey, Bonnie," he called out when he spotted her in the hall.

On seeing him Bonnie stopped and hugged her books to her chest. "What?" she asked nervously.

"I apologize for what I said earlier," he told her, before wrapping his arms around her. "You are a beautiful young woman and certainly no dog."

"As if I care what a loser like you thinks," she replied, making no move to shrug him off despite her words and looking much happier.

"And now I have to go fight some supervillains," he told her, "but know this, if I die before I get the chance to make it up to you, my ghost will haunt the spot where I fell for all eternity."

"I forgive you!" she exclaimed wide eyed.

"I'm happy to hear that," he told her, "and now I must away!" he said dramatically before sweeping off.

Bonnie just stood there blushing heavily.

"Told you he didn't mean it," Tara said, "He's way too nice a guy."

Kim sighed in relief when Ron returned. "Draken and Shego again, down in South America on the island of Sivante there's an experimental geothermal station. We'll get the rest from Wade enroute."

"Global Justice?" Ron guessed.

"Bingo. We've got a chartered jet out of the Midville airport on the runway."

Bonnie and Tara had trailed after Ron unnoticed and entered the classroom.

"Have I ever told you how much I enjoy jumping out of a perfectly good airplane and parachuting into dangerous situations to fight complete lunatics who should really be on heavy Thorazine regiments?" he asked sarcastically.

"I don't think so," Kim said wondering if he was getting cold feet after all this time.

"Good, I'd hate to think I'd lied to you. The only thing I enjoy is making a difference," he admitted. Catching sight of Bonnie and Tara he decided to ham it up a bit. Turning to the two girls he put his arms out so he could lay a hand on their shoulders as he squeezed them together in front of him. "For you girls I fight. To keep your lives free of tyranny I face death." Ron placed a kiss on both their foreheads. "If I fail to return, know that I regret nothing!" As he turned and rushed off the two red faced cheerleaders sunk down to the floor with hearts in their eyes.

"When did Ron become so romantic?" Kim wondered aloud as she hurried after him.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"The island of Sivante is near the arctic," Wade lectured over the Kimmunicator.

"I thought it was South America," Ron interrupted.

"No, though that is the local climate, thanks to the active volcano in the middle of the island," Wade explained.

"I heard South America and tuned out," Ron admitted with a shrug.

"Well the usual weather is about what you'd expect from the area, ice, snow, and more ice. The volcano in the middle of the island keeps the island at a sweltering one hundred and twelve degrees even with the geothermal tap," wade continued.

"Geothermal tap?" the two chorused.

"Yes, an experimental energy extraction process that succeeded despite even the inventor of the process saying that it was a long shot," Wade explained, "Before the tap was in place there was a permanent fog bank enshrouding the area, but they managed to disperse that by draining energy from the lava flows that fed it."

"The Island's going to explode and we'll be stuck in the arctic dressed for summer," Ron predicted.

"I actually took that into account and packed an escape raft with cold weather gear," Wade promised, "Now, Draken has a device that allows him to open teleport gates, but the energy costs to fuel the device are obscene."

"So he took over the research station and plans to launch his attacks via teleport gate," Kim said.

"Exactly, and from what the scientist saw before they were evacuated, he has some of DNAmy's cloning machines and a plethora of Kim clones," Wade finished.

"Joy," Kim groaned. "Well, best to relax and do my homework while we're waiting." Kim got out her school books. "Aren't you going to do yours?" she asked Ron.

"Got so bored I did it in class."

"But they don't tell you what it is until class is over."

"I guessed and while I did more than was required a few times I never did too little." he replied with a shrug. "I found it all easy and boring," he admitted.

"I thought you had problems focusing," Wade said.

Ron shrugged. "Everything just seems so simple today."

"You have been acting strange," Kim pointed out.

"How so?" Wade asked before Ron could.

"He's dressed differently, wants to buy a motorcycle, and insulted and then flattered Bonnie, not to mention the schoolwork," she listed off.

"Wow, I'm surprised you didn't rattle off my blood pressure as well," Ron joked.

Kim grinned, "You've been my best friend since forever, of course I notice when you act differently."

"Well I've been trying to master the primal powers I've been handed and that may have made me a bit more aware of the world around me and cut down on my ADD. The baggy pants and hoodie were always catching on things leaving me standing in public in my boxers. My scooter was fine for putting around in, but going grocery shopping or to the drive-in would be a hassle, not to mention bad weather, and finally I was trying to give Bonnie back the same attitude she always gives me, but I overdid it so a sincere and honest apology is the least I owed her! And again, thanks for pointing out that I upset her."

"So the mystic monkey power is at fault?" Kim asked.

"I'm growing up, that causes changes without adding in mystic powers," he pointed out. "Combine the two and just say I'm evolving a bit."

"Well you charmed the hell out of Bonnie and Tara," Kim said with a smirk.

"Ron?" Wade asked in shock.

"Left them staring after him breathless," Kim confirmed.

"And thus the need for a car," Ron said putting his hands behind his head and leaning back in his seat, "Fitting all of us on a scooter just won't work."

"Ron!?" Kim exclaimed scandalized, but only a soft snore answered her as he'd already fallen asleep.

Wade laughed. "Remember to get some sleep yourself, it's another four hours before you reach the jump point."

"As soon as I finish my homework," she promised, "Possible out!"

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: he has me chained to a keyboard with substandard burritos for food! help me! jk...**


	47. Chapter 47

**Xander Insert**

Xander blinked a few times to clear his eyes and quickly took in the scene around him.

He was standing in the middle of an empty dirt lot, the ground around him was embedded with a lot of thrown weapons, including a fair amount that weren't normally throwing weapons, and a group of strange people were watching him with a variety of expressions ranging from love to hate, while a very old midget was balancing on a stick three times her height to yell at some girl with extremely thick glasses.

He didn't know how he got here or what was going on, but there were enough unfriendly looking people about that he decided it was best to be armed fortunately the plethora of sharp pointed objects made that easy. A handful of knives vanished into various places as he looked for something more substantial, eventually settling on a European short sword that fit his hand pretty well.

Seeing as how no one seemed to be speaking his language and were just arguing amongst themselves as he stood there he decided to leave, before one of them decided to do something he wouldn't like. 'Too late,' Xander thought to himself as he saw some guy with candles strapped to his head and a hostile expression begin chanting while reading a scroll and throwing bits of herbs at him.

This at least was something Xander knew what to do about. Scooping up a couple of knives he flung them at the hostile spellcaster while charging forward to skewer him with the sword. Some guy with an umbrella deflected the knives and got in Xander's way. Obviously that umbrella wasn't made of bamboo like it appeared and equally obviously he was some kind of martial artist from his wide legged stance.

A quick jab with the sword and he predictably blocked it with the umbrella obscuring the foot Xander had aimed for his balls. Xander's kick lifted the boy with the bandana a foot off the ground, surprising him since he figured the angle was wrong to get a lot of force behind it. Xander body checked him out of the way as he surged forward, but quickly had to dodge back as something that looked like a girl, but was cloaked in red aura, tried to hit him with a park bench.

Palming a knife, Xander flung it at the spellcaster while he dodged back from whatever that thing swinging the bench was. He could already tell it was too late as the mage finished his chant and the candles flared on his head just before the knife nailed him in the shoulder. He could feel the spell crackling along his skin and outlining him in a green glow.

The girl's aura had sputtered out and she'd dropped the bench, but Xander had already flung a knife at her and her eyes widened comically as it sank into her side. He didn't wait to see what the others' responses would be as he snatched the scroll the mage had been reading from off the ground, putting a foot on his throat to keep him from casting anything else.

The scroll was in a language he didn't know, but was close enough to some of the languages he'd started working on for him to puzzle out a few words, these words being sanity, destroy, and attraction.

Taking his foot off the downed mage's throat he recovered his knife, not being particularly gentle as he pulled it out of the mage's shoulder and wiped it off on him, frisking him for any magical paraphernalia before letting the terrified teen scramble away.

Now that he looked at them closely he saw that they were all in their mid to late teens, with the exception of the midget.

The boy with the umbrella was curled up in the fetal position and wasn't likely to move anytime soon and the girl with the knife in her side was looking at him like he'd just killed her dog.

He didn't really have time to examine the others more closely as he heard the yowling of a whole bunch of things coming from every direction and converging on his position as he retreated to the center of the lot to keep everything in sight.

His eyes darted from shadow to shadow as he waited for the creatures the spell summoned to attack and from the fearful looks on some of the others faces he was pretty sure they knew what was coming which meant bad things to the Xan-man.

Suddenly cats came from every direction converging on his spot to rub up against him and try to get his attention. As each rubbed against him he glowed a little bit less, like they were absorbing the magic bit by bit, but bit by bit something was rising up inside him trying to get loose.

Long practice allowed him to face the animal spirit inside him and try to bend it to his will. Mentally bracing himself he faced the animal spirit in his own mind… and it licked his nose.

There was a kitten in his mind, a tiny, lonely, blue eyed, black furred kitten. The primal spirit offered him power greater than a slayer's in exchange for his humanity.

The kitten offered to enhance him in exchange for a little care and affection, though not in so many words.

Xander accepted. Bonding with the kitten was a lot easier than bonding with the primal it was more… harmonious. He tried to think about what this meant about him and what Dru had been hinting at so long ago.

Opening his eyes everything jumped sharply into focus and he remembered everything. He crouched down to pay attention to the cats and send them on their way, ignoring the smell of fear and the muttering from the humans there.

It took some time to give attention to each cat so it would leave. By the time Xander was finished and stood back up the group had bandaged themselves and drawn together.

"Who summoned me here and why?" Xander asked in English, figuring he might as well keep things on his terms as much as possible.

"I'm not sure quite how to answer that, as I suspect you are not Ranma Saotome," the midget replied in almost unaccented English.

"Fine, who summoned Ranma here and why?" Xander asked as he took the time to examine his own body and realize he was no longer working with his original equipment.

"Mousse summoned my son-in-law here on the pretense of a battle, but instead he cast a spell from a scroll on him. How much do you know about magic?"

"Show me the scroll and if it's in a language I can read I can probably puzzle out what it does with a little effort," Xander replied.

"May I approach?" the old woman asked cautiously.

"As long as you mean me no harm you may approach freely," Xander replied formally.

The old woman bounced forward on her cane, sitting balanced perfectly on the top of it she unfurled the scroll and they both studied it for a couple of minutes.

"H-He destroyed son-in-law's soul," the old woman said paling and losing her balance.

"No he didn't," Xander said, moving to catch her.

"The scroll says that it destroys the soul leaving not a fragment behind."

"Yes the scroll says that," Xander agreed, "But souls can not be destroyed."

"Are you sure?" she asked her voice begging for reassurance.

"Quite positive," he said firmly. "I've talked to sources above and below about the subject and despite some exaggerated claims, they admit souls are eternal."

"So the spell didn't work?"

"No the spell worked just perfectly, but its a case of unstoppable force meets immovable object, it pushes the soul outside."

"Outside?"

"Yes, which explains quite a bit actually," Xander muttered thoughtfully, but easily loud enough for the old woman now perched on his shoulder to hear it.

"Really?"

"Yeah, of course we'd have to have some major similarities to explain my presence…"

"Any way to switch you both back?"

"Not unless you have the favor of a major god and preferably an elder one at that."

"Is he at least safe?" she asked hopefully.

Xander sighed. "I was in the middle of sending myself back in time, well my soul anyway, so more than likely he's sharing a body with my fifteen year old self."

"What were you doing at fifteen?"

"The usual," Xander shrugged. "Killing vampires, guarding the Hellmouth, trying to get a date, you know, high school stuff."

"And you were sending your soul back in time to that?" she asked, disconcerted by the blasé attitude.

"Well I was dying at the time, so I figured I might as well use my death to make my friends lives longer."

"But you can't change the past and what were you planning to do anyway?"

Xander grinned. "That's what they told me, of course they said the same thing about prophecies and I proved that one wrong. I am either an avatar of chaos or free will depending on who you talk to, but really it's just that I'm too stupid and stubborn to accept defeat. I was planning on giving my younger self a boost towards becoming a better fighter to see if I couldn't extend the lifespans of some of my friends."

"Extend not save?"

"We all gotta die sometime, and most of my friends died in battle, fighting the good fight, which is one of the best ways to go, but I wanted to give them a little more time, so they'd get to live a bit more," Xander explained. "Not that we didn't have fun or enjoy life between battles, but giving them a little more time wouldn't hurt. Many of my friends died much too young for my tastes."

"So son-in-law is lost to us?" she asked sadly just to be sure.

"I'm afraid so, however he'll be where he can make a difference surrounded by some of the best people to ever walk the earth!" Xander smiled wistfully. "Plus he'll have my younger self to help him and I didn't do too badly the first time through. So, is he a good fighter?"

The old woman chuckled. "Son-in-law… Ranma Saotome is one of the best martial artists I've seen in my three hundred years."

Xander grinned. "So I accomplished what I set out to do, just not the way I was planning."

"If he is joined with your younger self, wouldn't you remember?"

"Nah, I'm outside the timeline where it happened, so I won't know the effects until after I die. I can't explain it in any human language better than that, because we don't have the vocabulary."

"Who does?" she asked curiously.

"The Gallifreyans." Xander replied thinking of Giles success in addicting him to British television shows. "Or in layman's terms Time Lords, but they're imaginary here… I think."

"So Ranma is gone and you're stuck here with no guide?"

"Yeah, and I really need to know what's what so I don't accidentally offend some god and get banished to another country," Xander said muttering something about over sensitive Egyptian deities.

"I think I can handle that," the old woman said. "But first let's introduce you to Ranma's… friends, half of which want to kill or marry him."

Xander nodded. "I still haven't gotten your name."

the old woman chuckled as Xander bent down to pick up her staff. "I am Cologne, matriarch of the Jusenkyo amazons. My great-granddaughter Shampoo was son-in-law's wife by our laws and fiance by his. The fool who vanished Ranma's soul is Mousse, who wishes to marry Shampoo."

Xander walked towards the group who immediately all started to to talk at once until Cologne whistled loudly to shut them up. "I can translate for you if you like," she offered when everyone had quieted down.

"If I can have one of your hairs and a stick of gum we can skip having a translator," Xander replied, about to do some of his own brand of magic that always horrified Willow, who objected to what she described as the equivalent of a spit and bailing wire job.

Plucking a hair off his own head he wove it together with one of Cologne's while chanting something under his breath that she didn't catch. Breaking the stick of chewing gum in half he handed half to her and started chewing the other half. "Chew thoroughly, I have to kiss you to get it back for the spell."

Cologne chuckled as she chewed the gum. "I think I'm a might old for you."

"Physically things are always easier if the body ages match up," Xander agreed readily. "But three hundred is a bit young compared to the ages of some of the girls I've dated."

"If I'm ever eighteen again I'll have to take you for a spin," she teased, making him chuckle before a quick kiss transferred the gum to him and he quickly chewed the pieces together while the group of teens made faces.

Spitting the gum into his hand he flattened it out and wrapped it around the two hairs before tossing it over his left shoulder and saying in perfect Japanese, "OK, I speak the language now."

"How dare you stab Akane!" the boy he'd kicked in the nuts growled in a voice that was probably a few pitches higher than he was used to.

"No idea who that is," Xander said bluntly, "But the only two people I stabbed was the mage who cast the spell to destroy my humanity and the idiots protecting him and I only went that easy on them because I didn't know what spell was cast. If I'd known at the time what was being cast you can rest assured I would have killed the mage and everyone helping him."

"T— The spell w-wasn't supposed to do that!" the pale and spindly mage claimed.

"I don't care what you thought it was supposed to do, nor do I believe you didn't know. I'll either be sealing your ability to do magic or slitting your throat before we leave here."

"Ran-chan what happened to you?!" a woman with long brown hair and a number of spatulas demanded worriedly.

"Easy, I'm not Ranma. Mousse girl over there cast a spell that banished his soul from this reality and sucked me in to take his place. My name is Xander Harris and before anyone asks, no trying the spell again will not switch us back. You need a boon from a major god to even try with any chance of success."

"Stop playing Saotome! you're going to pay for what you did to my sister," a girl wearing a Japanese school uniform with dark hair in a page boy cut swore.

"Not very bright is she?" Xander asked Cologne.

"Actually, Nabiki Tendo is quite clever, but seems unable to plan anything that's remotely long term."

Xander's hand flashed out and Nabiki stumbled back clutching her head and cursing. "I'll make you wish you were never born!"

"What's the hair for?" Cologne asked, still sitting on Xander's shoulder as everyone else reacted to his assault on Nabiki by stepping back.

"I have her name and several of her hairs. If she gives me any trouble I know over a dozen curses I can lay on her with little trouble."

"You martial artists are all talk! Your code prevents you from hurting me," Nabiki taunted.

"What code?" Xander replied easily. "I'm not Ranma Saotome and the only real code I've ever followed is that anyone who hurts my friends or family pays in blood."

As the girl paled Cologne stroked her chin thoughtfully. "You know usually she's not this thick."

"She's afraid of something, I can smell her fear," Xander replied sniffing the air.

"You can't fool me," Nabiki snarled. "I don't care what kind of game you're playing, you're a martial artist not a mage!"

Xander grinned evilly and threw a hand towards Mousse, who'd remained silent, trying to figure out the new Ranma, and shouted, "Flamare!" sending a bolt of fire that set Mousse's hair ablaze.

Mousse ran around in circles batting at his hair but unable to make it stop, much to everyone's surprise.

"Burning alive is a bit extreme," Cologne said carefully. "Is there any way I can convince you to let him live?"

"It's a guy?" Xander asked surprised before shaking it off. "He won't burn to death, In fact he won't burn at all, but his hair will."

Nabiki was paling rapidly.

"Not that it matters, trying to destroy a soul is a major crime in the eyes of the creator, so baldy is pretty much destined to burn."

"No way out of it?" Cologne asked.

"Sure, the creator is big on forgiveness, he just has to take responsibility for his actions and honestly repent of them, but few people who go this far ever repent."

Mousse ran past screaming, "Why won't it go out?!"

"That's a pretty lenient curse not to mention slow acting," Cologne replied as everyone watched Mousse.

"It's not really a curse. See one of my girls asked for help keeping her garden groomed if you get my meaning, but I owed her a major prank so…"

Cologne laughed so hard she almost fell off Xander's shoulder. "You are a most unusual mage."

"Not really a mage, I just know some things and I know a god or two that is always willing to grant me the power for a prank."

"I knew you were bluffing!" Nabiki burst out.

"What makes you think I'm bluffing? I don't need to be a mage to cast a curse and if I can make ruining your life humorous, which I can for everyone but you, I have a god who's always up for a laugh. I'm going easy on Mousse here because I could use a laugh myself and I pity what's going to happen when he dies."

Some helpful person tossed a bucket of water on Mousse, changing him into a duck… who's feathers quickly caught on fire prompting him to run around quacking.

Naturally enough water splashed on Xander to activate the curse. "I have breasts!" Xander said looking down her shirt wide-eyed.

"Jusenkyo curse, water based. Warm water boy, cold water girl," Cologne quickly summed it up, as a flaming duck ran past.

"Cool," Xander said with some amusement finally convincing everyone that she wasn't Ranma.

"Cool?" the girl she'd stabbed earlier, Akane she recalled, asked faintly.

"Yeah, my Willow always said I was missing out on the lesbian sex cause I was a guy," Xander said causing everyone's jaws to drop. "Besides I've always spent my time surrounded by women warriors who treated me like one of the girls anyway."

"What about the other half?" Cologne asked.

Xander smirked but didn't answer. Cologne laughed.

"You are the biggest pervert in existence!" Akane said wonderingly as she prepared to build herself up into a rage.

"Hardly, I've just been very cooperative with any female I care for," Xander said with a wistful sigh for absent friends.

Mousse ran past in duck form with most of his feathers gone quacking up a storm.

No one paid any attention.

"Didn't marry and settle down?" Cologne asked.

"Can't," Xander said. "I'm cursed to be the last of my line. I can't marry or have any kids carry my name."

"I'm beginning to see some similarities between you and Ranma, at least in some ways," she said thoughtfully.

"I told you we'd have some major things in common, or I wouldn't be here."

"Can you still have children?" Cologne asked.

"Sure, but if they carry my name they'll die before birth, fortunately we found that out before it had a chance to happen. Why do you ask?"

"My granddaughter, Shampoo has to at least carry Ranma's child for the sake of her honor and since you have his body…"

Xander nodded. "I'll need to know how the child will be raised and treated, but other than that I've always been available to help out female friends."

"You've been in this situation before?"

"Most, if not all of my friends, have been demon hunters and for some reason men tend to die more easily in that occupation than women, so when the woman decides it's time to have a child or two and looks around for what she thinks would be an acceptable father, I've often found myself heading up the short list."

"No special female to complain?"

"Most have died in combat and the last two sacrificed their lives to allow me a couple of weeks to prepare for my death and as long as they approved of the girl they were fine with it."

"Their lives only gave you a couple of weeks?"

Xander nodded. "Willow was one of the most powerful magic users on the planet and Illyria was one of the ancients or old ones, sharing a body with a country girl with the cutest Texas twang. They both agreed that they'd had enough of family and friends dying on them, so they bought me some time to finish up some things."

"What were you dying of?" Cologne asked.

"Hind's blood," Xander said flatly.

"I thought you could kill a god with that?"

"You could, but both sides Evil and Neutral wanted me gone and nothing else had worked."

"Evil and Neutral?" Cologne asked.

"Well you can't really call them Good, they just wanted to maintain the status quo and got upset. When Good or Evil won at all. They'd either set up situations where I had to sacrifice myself to save a friend or where they thought they could pick me off."

"And yet you survived."

"Yep, despite throwing myself on grenades for friends I always survived even as they died doing the same for me."

"Resent them?" Cologne asked knowingly, confusing the listeners.

"Fuck yeah," Xander admitted. "I loved them enough to do anything to survive and fight by their side again, while they just accepted death. I love them, but I'm pissed at them."

"I guess they just weren't as stubborn or stupid as you were," Cologne said with a grin.

Xander chuckled, her anger fading away to be replaced by humor. "I guess not."

Mousse stumbled in front of them and gave one last quack before passing out, featherless.

"Well back to introductions. the young lady you stabbed is Akane Tendo, Ranma's fiance, who was protecting Hikaru Gosunkugi who was attempting to destroy your mind, or rather Ranma's mind."

"I didn't know, I was just keeping you from killing someone!" Akane protested.

Xander shrugged, "fair enough, I can't hold that against you unless you make a habit of protecting people who are trying to kill me."

"Don't go anywhere, Gosunkugi," Xander warned the boy who'd been trying to sneak off. "I'll be questioning you before I decide what to do with you."

Gos tried to pale even more than normal, but lacked the blood so he passed out instead.

"That was a low blow you struck me with," Umbrella boy growled, his voice finally back in the right pitch.

"You were protecting someone who was trying to… you know what? Same as Akane."

"Ryoga Hibiki, Ranma's rival in the martial arts," Cologne explained.

"I'll get you back," Ryoga swore.

"Keep in mind I'm not a martial artist," Xander said, "So if you attack me I'm simply going to kill you. After we lost Dawn we learned better than to leave any enemies alive. If you name yourself my enemy I'll simply kill you and my only restraint is that I'll make sure innocent bystanders don't get hurt, probably."

There was silence for a moment as everyone thought about what she'd said and tried to fit the words in Ranma's voice with the reality of the body's new occupant.

"Ukyo Kuonji, another of Ranma's fiances," Cologne introduced.

"How many fiances did he have?"

"His idiot of a father engaged him to several girls, besides his winning of Shampoo's hand and his being stalked by the Kunos, but every now and again some arrangement he forgot to mention pops up."

"Well nice to meet you, Ukyo, the same arrangement as Shampoo is available if needed."

"Um, thanks," Ukyo said softly, as she realized Ranma was really gone for good this time.

"Don't mention it," Xander said before walking over and picking up Gos with one hand and smacking his face to wake him up. "Now that introductions are done, let's go to the interrogation."

"W-what do you want to know?" Gos stuttered out nervously.

"Where did you get the scroll?"

Gos paled and his eyes darted towards Nabiki clearly torn over which was the bigger threat.

"You can't prove anything!" Nabiki snapped out.

"Someone drop some warm water on the duck and let's see where he got his scroll," Xander suggested, while everyone stared at the nervous Nabiki.

"Why don't you just summon some up if you're so good with magic," Nabiki said trying to delay things while she came up with a plan to deflect attention from herself.

"It's generally better to do things the normal way rather than use magic, but," Xander grinned evilly, "this definitely feels like a prank moment though so…"

Ukyo pulled a thermos of warm water from somewhere and quickly splashed Mousse and Xander, before Xander could do anything.

"Wow when you said all his his hair, you weren't kidding," Ukyo said, turning red.

"What happened?" Mousse asked numbly and nudely.

"Ranma's replacement set you on fire before offering to knock up Shampoo," Nabiki quickly said.

"Ranma you cad!" Mousse roared and rushed off, since he was blind and couldn't see without his glasses he started attacking a telephone pole by hand.

"I'd say that's two votes for Nabiki," Xander said cheerfully as Nabiki cursed Mousse's poor eyesight.

"Nabiki?" Akane questioned shocked.

"Fine!" Nabiki yelled. "I was behind it all! But don't pretend for one second the rest of you are innocent. You've all assaulted and tried to kill him. The only difference between all of you and me is that I accomplished what I set out to do!"

Akane opened her mouth to say something, but Nabiki quickly shut her down, "You've insulted, belittled, and abused him since he arrived. You've made no bones about the fact that you hate him and have insulted his honor enough that he could have declared a blood feud each and every week."

"That was her twisted way of showing affection," Cologne pointed out.

"Well, while I'm not a mind reader no matter what anyone claims, there has to be enough resentment and anger to poison a dozen relationships with that kind of behavior, so best it was ended anyway. Ranma is gone and now everyone can regain their honor, something that never could have happened when he was alive."

Any anger the teens had held for what had happened to Ranma had been thoroughly crushed by Nabiki, leaving a bitter silence.

"So what are you going to do to me?" she asked Xander.

Xander shrugged. "Why would I do anything? You helped me achieve my goals; Ranma should be a worthy addition to my group to keep the mouth of hell closed. I was just making sure that whatever the plot was against Ranma, it wasn't going to be turned against me next. Whatever punishment you deserve, much like Mousse, will be handed down by The Creator when you die. As long as you make no moves against me or try and push Ranma's problems off on me, I have zero interest in you."

"Truthfully?" Nabiki asked cautiously.

"Yep, I'll be here long enough to make sure Cologne is satisfied with events before I leave, but unless you do something extremely stupid, this is the last you'll see of me."

"Oh," Nabiki said deflating.

"Just remember that what I said about the state of Mousse's soul holds true for your's as well, since you knew and participated willingly."

"I don't believe in all that religious crap," Nabiki said disdainfully.

Xander nodded. "Neither do I."

"Then why are you telling me about it?" she asked confused.

"Because what I'm saying has nothing to do with religion just with reality. When I say my group guards the mouth of hell, that wasn't just an expression. I spent close to thirty years in near constant combat with demons. I know what I'm talking about. The Creator could care less about most religions, but what you do has an effect on the final destination of your soul and let's be honest, scrape away all the religious crap they try to trap you with and you know if what you're doing is questionable or not."

Nabiki didn't say a word, but her face lost all expression and she nodded once before quickly striding off.

"Thirty years?" Cologne asked thoughtfully. "Most people go insane after just a handful of years of constant combat."

"Who said I was sane? It was often pointed out that sanity was pretty much optional for our way of life. Buffy developed an attraction to evil bastards which meant we had to kill whoever she was sleeping with every couple of months, after she went all angsty over how they could deceive her like that for a week or so first, of course. Willow flipped her sexual identity every couple of weeks and spent her spare time harassing Osiris the Egyptian god of the dead to resurrect her goldfish. Dawn dressed like a Gothic Lolita and started calling me… cute demon I think was the translation…" Xander's voice trailed off and his eyes got wide. "Ok, turns out she was calling me something else in Japanese and I just got what it was. Anyway she kept setting traps or drugging me so she could have her way with me… even though she knew all she had to do was ask."

"And what about you?"

Xander laughed. "I'm told, because obviously it seems perfectly normal to me, that some people don't fight the way I do, or love the way I do for that matter and that walking up to an old one while she's in human form and slapping her on the ass just so you can say 'I gotta get me some of that' as a joke is completely crazy, but in my defense it did make Buffy laugh and I did indeed get me some of that, so I really don't see their point."

Everyone just stared at him speechless.

"I'm pretty sure I either lost my ability to feel fear in a game of strip poker with Willow or possibly burned it out when I summoned Gachnar for a prank," Xander said seemingly unaware that when he said Gachnar everyone flinched as a wave of cold terror ran through their veins.

"A prank?" Cologne asked, recognizing a name of power when she heard it.

"Yeah," Xander grinned. "For a name rank demon he's not that big, so I stuffed him in a hamster ball and let him loose during training. You should have seen it. He was running around yelling, 'Fear me!' in a big booming voice and the slayers were screaming and running around completely terrified. Took the starch right out of that group and they actually started listening to what this mere-human had to say. I believe that group of slayers was one of our most successful, if I recall correctly. Over three quarters made it to retirement and quite a few short listed me too."

"Anything else?" Cologne asked curiously.

"I kill easier than most people breath. When you are facing demons and the undead it's almost impossible to feel the slightest twinge of guilt for killing them and after a dozen years of friends dying or getting hurt because of humans who have sold out to the darkness it gets real easy to kill them too. Of course after you've had someone you love die in your arms because of some idiot who thinks nothing is more important than his little hissy fit because you didn't bow in his presence, because his family has money or he thinks he's better than you.. Well, killing idiots and puncturing egos and lungs at the same time with a foot or two of steel just becomes habit."

The group all seemed to be carefully considering their behavior from the expressions on their faces.

"And the things I'll do to anyone, man or god, that harms the people I care about or are under my protection, has turned demons stomachs, but truthfully most demon hunters I know get that way over the years. Giles once said something about the dangers of becoming what you hunt, only 'staring into the abyss' was mentioned, but since we only hunt the things that hunt the innocent I don't really worry about it."

"Ok, I'm kinda freaked out here," Ukyo said absently, "Anyone else?"

Everyone's hands went up in response.

Xander laughed. "Yeah, that's most people's reactions, but it's only natural we either become more dangerous than what we hunt or we die off. It's why we always end up developing individual codes and rules of conduct we live by, so we don't become monsters ourselves, except to the monsters, if you get my what I mean."

Cologne nodded thoughtfully. "We don't have all that much evil around here. I think the closest thing we even have to a demon locally is…"

"Sweeto!" came the cry and something small and pink flashed through the clearing and Xander was hit by cold water and looked like she had three breasts.

"... Happosai," Cologne finished with a sigh as Xander looked in her shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"What?" Happosai replied, confused at Ranma's lack of violence.

"I asked what you're doing in my shirt," Xander replied amused.

"I know, but I'm used to you violently expelling me after a few seconds of running around screaming."

"Ohh," Xander replied. "Sorry but Nabiki, Mousse and the mage who's throat I'm going to slit if he doesn't get back here," Xander said raising his voice for the moment and making Gos scurry back to the others, "managed to cast his soul Outside by trying to destroy it."

"Then who are you?"

"A demon hunter with enough traits in common with Ranma to get pulled into his body when he was pulled into mine and no there is no way to reverse it," Xander said trying to sum everything up.

"I—I'm going to miss that kid," the voice from Xander's cleavage said tearfully. "Is it alright if I stay in here and mourn?"

"Sure," Xander said rolling her eye."But no nursing or trying to tune in radio stations or out you go!"

"I swear!"

Xander found everyone staring at him again. "What?"

"That doesn't bug you?" Ukyo asked.

"A little old guy hiding in my cleavage?" Xander asked.

"Uh huh," went half a dozen people.

"Not really. He's just sitting there peacefully."

"And you aren't going to kill him?" Ukyo asked carefully.

"He's not hurting anyone, hell I don't think he's even stretching out my shirt."

The bulge in between Xander's breasts vanished much to everyone's surprise. "You ok in there?" Xander asked cautiously, wondering if her cleavage had just eaten someone.

"Anything goes, Grandmaster's technique: Booby trapper's hidden valley!" Came the echoing cry from her shirt.

Xander laughed. "Reminds me of how Illyria once warped space in her cleavage to hide a bazooka. I've never seen a more startled mugger in my life."

Cologne nodded. "Well Happosai is about as close to a demon as we have around here. He steals women's underwear and flips up skirts."

"I'm used to things that hunt children and torture people for fun. Stealing underwear and annoying people is harmless. I've played worse pranks on friends, like the demon in the hamster ball."

"I suppose Happosai wouldn't really bug you then," Ukyo said.

"Yep, now Gosunkugi would you rather have your magic sealed or your blood spilled?"

"B—but my magic is all I have!"

"Not true, you also have the blood in your veins, I'm giving you the option of which one you want to keep."

The pale wannabe mage shivered. "I-I'll keep my blood!"

"Good choice and while your soul isn't as stained as some of the others, I'd advise looking into repentance anyway," Xander said as he opened up Gosunkugi's shirt and using one of Mousse's shed feathers and blood from Gos's shoulder began drawing an intricate design across his chest.

Ten minutes went by as Xander finished the front and actually worked on the back for a couple of minutes, poking Gos' shoulder to get some more blood. Xander looked around and found the knife he'd stabbed Akane with and smiled. "Excellent a knife coated with the blood of someone who was willing to shed it protecting you."

Ryoga's face darkened for a moment, but seeing Xander use the knife to draw a pentagram on the ground he quickly calmed down, reminding himself that this wasn't Ranma.

Handing the knife to Gos he had him stand in the center of the design and waved Akane and Ryoga over. "I need you two to stand here and here," Xander said directing them to stand at the base of the star.

"What do you need us for?" Akane asked nervously, before Ryoga could.

"I need you two to stand here showing that you believe he is worth shedding blood to protect and that you think he can grow up to be a good man."

"He always means well and I believe in him," Akane said firmly, taking her spot.

"If Akane believes in him then so will I," Ryoga said loyally.

Xander grinned widely and began chanting, causing the three to be outlined in blue flames as Gos screamed and fell to his knees, grey wings erupting from his back and the dagger growing three feet in length and half a foot in width.

"What did you do?!" Akane demanded as she and Ryoga hurried to help the injured teen to his feet.

"Hikaru Gosunkugi," Xander said formally, ignoring Akane. "You have been judged. Your magical abilities have been locked away and you are charged with the cleansing of your soul. Your wings' color reflect the state of your soul. As you've committed a number of evil deeds with good intentions, your wings are grey, because you know what they say about good intentions. You must go forth and do good deeds until your soul is pure once more."

Xander turned to Ryoga. "Ryoga Hibiki for your bravery and defense of your fellow man you have been chosen as his guide. He shall walk the path you choose until he's reached redemption."

Xander turned to Akane. "Akane Tendo, for your willingness to shed your blood in the defense of others. You have been chosen to shield the back of this poor soul, to teach him right from wrong, and how to wield the red blade forged from your heart's blood until he has found redemption."

"An honest to god martial arts quest from the stories," Akane breathed in shock before she got a look of determination in her eyes and helped Gosunkugi to his feet. "Lead on, Ryoga times a wastin!"

As the three marched out of the lot, Ukyo looked at Xander in awe. "Did you just call on the gods to judge them?"

Xander tried to look serious. "That depends, does the judgement of the heavens mean slapping an empathy spell on the three and channeling all of Gos' magic into an item or two and giving them a cock and bull story that should keep them out of everyone's hair for a year or so?"

Shampoo narrowed her eyes in thought. "It was all a trick?"

He shrugged. "Its pretty much up to the gods, really. I've had a couple of pranks turn into actual holy quests, so even I can't say for certain, but if they approach it seriously the gods will respond to that belief."

Xander's stomach growled. "Anyone know a good place to eat around here?"

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: oh god my hands are cramping!**

**AN: I wrote this over a decade ago.**


	48. Chapter 48

**2's a crowd 4**

**Part 1: More Fragments Chapter 25**

**Part 2: Yet More Fragments Chapter 52**

**Part 3: Yet More Fragments Chapter 72**

"You ok, pet?" Spike asked.

"Hotter than the Sun, brighter than the dawn, molten metal droplets falling like rain," Drusilla explained, staring at something no one else could see.

"They'll all burn," The Judge, an eight-foot tall blue skinned engine of destruction agreed.

"Let's do this." Angelus said, leading them into the mall proper via the service passages.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Do we have a plan?" Oz asked as the Scoobies exited his van in the mall parking lot.

"Kinda," Buffy admitted.

"What's the plan?" Oz asked.

"I bash his head in with a big rock," Buffy explained.

"Simple, direct, works," Oz said, trying to sound encouraging.

"We also have some wooden weapons," Giles added. "Not being forged, wood should be effective as well."

"It worked on Power Girl," Buffy agreed.

"I have your back," Angel promised.

"You be careful," Buffy said, hugging him tightly. "You're only human now."

"I will."

Willow didn't say anything, deep in a book on protective spells, looking for something that could help them.

"Put on your game faces everyone, it's showtime!" Buffy said, grabbing a decorative boulder from one of the larger planters near the entrance to the mall. "Wish this was heavier," she muttered.

"Hello everybody!" Angelus called out, attracting the attention of the mall's patrons, who looked curiously at the strange collection of people dressed in retro outfits and a giant of a man painted blue and clad in leather armor.

The two groups caught sight of one another and the crowd scattered as the vampire game faces came out. In all the confusion, no one noticed a remote control vehicle drive up to the group of demons.

"Slayer, how good of you to come," Angelus gloated. "And I see you brought that fool Liam as well. It's going to feel so good killing him and Xander at the same time."

"Sorry to interrupt," Cordelia said, coming in behind the Scoobs, followed by a pair of confused geeks. "But I am in desperate need of a nap, so I'm going to have to cut this short." Cordelia flipped a switch on the remote in her hand.

"What's that smell?" a vampire asked, wrinkling his nose as there was a hissing sound from near the ground.

"Napalm!" Angelus shouted, as half the vampires paled and ran.

Cordelia flipped another switch and there was an explosion, setting the Judge on fire, and reducing the remaining vamps to ash.

"You think this will stop me?!" The Judge roared, unaffected by the flame.

"N-no, but this will," Jonathan said, using his remote to slam a toy helicopter into the Judge and releasing its payload.

The Judges scream shattered windows as the thermite ignited and blinded everyone.

"Do we get bonus experience points for this?" Andrew asked in the silence of the now empty mall, the demons dead, or fled like the humans.

"Yes, but the points can only be used to buy real-life geek stuff," Cordelia replied, handing the remote to Jonathan.

"Cool!" Andrew said with a bright smile.

"The Judge is dead, Angelus has fled, so get to work on restoring my boyfriend," Cordelia ordered Buffy.

"What just happened?" Oz asked.

"Thermite," Jonathan replied as he processed what had happened and realized a lot more was going on than he knew.

"Thermite!" Willow exclaimed wide-eyed as the mall's sprinklers came on and the fire alarms finally began sounding. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Can I get comic books instead?" Andrew asked.

"Of course," Cordelia replied, leading her team off.

"I-I'm speechless," Giles said.

"Let's be speechless away from the fire," Angel responded.

"Good idea," Buffy agreed as they quickly gathered up everyone and split before the police or fire department could arrive.

Three days later…

Buffy held Angel tightly, tears streaming down her face. "I don't want to lose you."

"I know, but we can't ask Xander to sacrifice his life for mine," Angel said sadly, not looking forward to being a vampire again, especially knowing the limitations of his curse now."

"Are you sure we won't be interrupted here?" Andrew asked.

"Vampires have attacked here before," Oz admitted.

"Seal all the doors?" Jonathan suggested.

"That would probably be a good idea," Cordelia agreed, not looking at Buffy molesting her boyfriend's body.

"Yes!" Andrew cheered, pulling a half dozen things out of his backpack.

"Horseshoes and silver nails?" Giles questioned.

"Originally used to keep out fey and malign influences," Jonathan explained. "It also weakens demonic creatures, limiting them to the physical capabilities of the body they inhabit."

"Have you tested it?" Giles asked, curiously.

"Yes, it works like a charm," Jonathan said proudly.

"More like a ward," Andrew corrected, making them both laugh at the joke.

Giles rolled his eyes, but found the corners of his mouth turning up anyway.

It took the pair five minutes to ward the two entrances while Willow set out everything for the soul curse.

"Everyone ready?" Giles asked.

"Ready," came the reply as everyone took their spots to either help with the spell or guard them from interference.

The spell seemed to come easier now as the power built up quicker than expected, and the Orb of Thesula exploded into fragments as a glowing, winged form slammed into the center of the pentagram in a flash of light, holding a flaming sword.

"That's not Xander." Oz noted.

**Typing by: Elrod Albino**


	49. Chapter 49

**Renfield Obeys 4**

Dawn was suspicious of Willow and Tara spending so much time with Xander lately. Normally she'd get to see him for an hour or two every weekday after the shop closed, but now that time was cut in half as he helped them close up shop and they 'exercised' together.

Seriously, they were lesbians, they shouldn't be hogging her share of the Xander!

Deciding to make sure exercising was all they were doing, Dawn came up with a plan.

"I'm off to the movies, see you at home," Dawn told Buffy.

"Have fun," Buffy said absently, returning to the watcher's journal she was reading.

"Will do," Dawn promised. "Bathroom," she said vanishing into the back of the store, confident they'd assume they'd either missed her leaving or that she'd exited the back door once she'd used the bathroom.

Looking around the training room Dawn searched for a place to hide. They'd be using the mats so she couldn't hide in there, and she'd stick out if she hid behind the folding chairs. She might be able to hide behind the punching bag, but if someone got near it she'd be easy to spot and it didn't exactly give her a clear view of the room.

Dawn smiled when her eyes came to rest on the puffy suit. It was lying on its side in the corner and she could probably fit two of her in it without a problem. Hearing someone coming she quickly wiggled inside, confident you'd have to use a flashlight to see her eyes peeking out of the head on it.

"So what did you need, Buffy?" Xander asked.

"Renfield Obey," Buffy ordered.

"Yes, Master," Xander said straightening up and showing more vitality in the trance state than the laid back young man usually displayed outside of it.

"Do you mind if I use you as a sounding board?" Buffy asked.

"No, Master, though I do question why the trance is necessary for you to do so," Xander replied.

"Because in the trance you can't lie or sugar coat things to protect my feelings, which you tend to do because you don't want to hurt me and because… I still remember being committed."

"I understand Master," Xander said gently.

"Am I suicidal?" she asked.

"No, Master, I don't believe you are," Xander replied. "At least not on a day to day basis."

"I wasn't expecting that answer," Buffy admitted. "Can I get a little more detail?"

"Yes Master," Xander said elaborating, "occasionally you have done things that are outright suicidal, but on a day to day basis you are generally well adjusted."

"Can you name a few times?" Buffy asked.

"Yes, Master," Xander replied. "Dating Angel, facing the Master, letting Angelus go, slaying while sick, sending me away, letting Angel feed from you—"

"Stop!" Buffy blurted out wide eyed.

"Yes, Master,"Xander said falling silent.

"Sometimes I have to risk my life to save others," Buffy said quietly.

"That is true, Master, but all of the times I've just mentioned were senseless risks of your life that would fall into the suicidal category."

"Dating Angel?" Buffy asked.

"The facts speak for themselves, Master," Xander replied.

"We probably aren't going to agree on that," Buffy admitted. "I don't think sending you away counts as suicidal. We are talking about during high school, that one time right?"

"Yes, Master," Xander agreed.

"How was that suicidal?" she asked after a long pause when it became apparent he wasn't going to say anything more.

"I have saved your life multiple times, sending away someone who is helping keep you alive is suicidal, Master," Xander explained.

"There was too much drama," Buffy said with a sigh, "And yes I am aware of the irony of me saying that, but my choice was you vs Willow, Oz, and Cordelia at the time. It was easier and safer to exclude one person than three, especially since we needed Willow's mojo. Do you still consider that suicidal?"

"No, Master," Xander replied, "with the knowledge you had that was a sound decision."

"Thank you," Buffy said. "I heard rumors you were busy that night, but you never said anything. I know you killed one of the sisters and Faith slayed your virginity."

"Yes, Master," Xander repeated.

"What if I was to be evil and order you to tell me?" Buffy teased.

"I would not object to telling you about how things went with Faith if you were curious, Master," Xander replied easily.

"Not sure I want a blow by blow," Buffy said, making a face. "I still have a hard time seeing you sleeping with her, she's not exactly your type."

"I wasn't given a choice, Master," Xander replied, answering the implied question. "I was yanked into her room, used as a convenient toy, and then pushed out in my underwear by a girl who seemed to believe a hardon equaled consent. It was brief, unimaginative, and one of the worse times I've had. Disappointed doesn't begin to describe it. Willow acting like I'd done something wrong when she was dating someone else and Faith's strange belief that I wanted to sleep with her again were just the cherry on top that convinced me nearly all women are insane."

Dawn stifled a gasp and swore silently at the blunt description of Faith. She knew that no good slut was evil!

Buffy chuckled and shook her head. "I'm sorry you had to go through that and if we could redo everything I'd at least make sure your first time went better."

"Thank you, Master"

"Spike was telling me that all Slayers have a death wish and few have anything to live for, so they just burn out," Buffy said, deciding to jump straight to the heart of the matter.

"That is where you differ from other slayers, Master, you have family, friends, and a life," Xander pointed out.

"And an angry hell goddess looking to destroy it all," Buffy added.

"No one ever said life was perfect, Master."

Buffy laughed, a bright and cheerful sound this time. "Thank you, Xander that's exactly what I needed to hear."

"I live to serve, Master," Xander replied, smiling warmly at her.

"End Trance," Buffy ordered.

"So what'd you need me for?" Xander asked.

"Jump rope practice," Buffy said. "You swing the rope and I have to do it blindfolded to improve my ability to sense things."

Dawn watched a bit amazed at the way Buffy was bluntly flirting with her Xander when she already had a boyfriend. 'Seriously, blindfolded jump-rope?' It was a relief when Buffy finished and Tara and Willow finally arrived.

"Renfield, Obey," Willow ordered.

"Yes, Master," Xander replied.

"I have an outfit for you to wear," Tara said.

Dawn's eyes grew wide as Xander stripped down and changed right in front of them. What followed was half scripted play, half improv, as the two acted out a scene of something from Tara's past and then talked about it. At several points Tara had to coax Xander into saying his lines correctly as the character he was playing was very different from him and it seemed to cause him physical pain to mimic his words or actions at times.

Dawn felt ashamed watching them, knowing she was intruding on scenes that were more intimate than the three of them having sex would be.

And then the tone of things changed as Tara called Xander by the character's name and ordered him to…. Xander didn't have a problem following those directions.

The three left half an hour later and Dawn zipped up her pants, snuck out and stopped by the theater to snag a used ticket from an earlier show to complete her alibi.

Two facts echoed in her mind as she went to sleep that night, one, you didn't need to be the slayer to entrance Xander, and two, Tara was incredibly kinky!

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: I felt dirty typing this… **

**AnFan-n-More your offering of chocolate cookie bytes was appreciated, and for informational purposes, a Gyro is the god's gift to mankind, a greek-american sandwich, made from pita bread, cucumber sauce, and seasoned lamb meat… standard includes onion and tomato so substandard is only the bare minimum of the sauce, meat, and bread, and bought from the freezer section at a grocery store.**


	50. Chapter 50

**Outgrowing the Mold**

Draken gave his usual megalomaniacal speech and Shego did her usual fight/flirt dance with Kim, that Ron wasn't sure if either of them knew they were really doing. Ron yawned and pulled out a Gameboy.

"Um…," Draken fell silent, confused. "Boy, aren't you supposed to be stopping my evil plan?"

Ron just sighed causing Shego and Kim's fight to slowly taper off.

"Ron?" Kim asked nervously, wondering what was up with her friend.

"Yes, KP?" He replied not look up from the game of Tetris which was loud enough to echo in the suddenly silent lair.

"Umm…" she trailed off unsure of what to say.

"Aren't you supposed to stop us?" Shego asked.

Ron stopped his game and put it away before giving everyone a bored stare. "How long have we been doing this?" he asked.

"Erm three years?" Draken guessed.

"About that?" Shego agreed.

"Exactly that?" Kim guessed. "Did we miss an anniversary?"

"Oh god we did, didn't we?" Draken groaned.

"Were we supposed to do something?" Shego said confused.

"It's the same old thing, again and again. Kim and Shego fight, I find a way to hit the self-destruct button, everyone flees, boom end of mission. In three years nothing has really changed," Ron said shaking his head in despair.

"Was something supposed to?" Draken asked worriedly.

"I guess… I have changed," Ron admitted. "This isn't enough for me anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. It's not you it's me, I need more out of life."

They watched Ron walk out of the lair in shock.

"Did he just break up with us?" Shego asked.

_**Typing by: AEthereal Devastation**_

_**AN: The endless hero vs. villain conflict that never changes has got to get boring. **_


	51. Chapter 51

**Sink or Swim 1: The Only Good SI is a Dead SI**

I don't know who's idea it was to make me look like Ranma when I was dropped into Nerima. Maybe so many people chose to go the SI route as him that the travel agent hit the button for body choice without realizing I was there for the Tourist Package and not the Star Vacation. Whatever the reason, I was dropped into Nerima without any of the skill packages needed to survive as Ranma while being a dead ringer for him.

Heh, dead ringer. Fitting choice of words, considering the fact that someone had cracked my skull open like an egg while I was feeding the ducks. I managed to survive to day thirteen of my two week vacation by staying far, far away from the usual haunts of the main cast. Instead of getting to watch their fights from the sidelines and maybe videotape a bit as I'd planned, I'd shaved my head and dressed in white robes, visiting local temples and shrines.

Truthfully it turned out to be a lot more fun than being a bystander in Nerima. Admittedly I did get challenged to a fight at nearly every shrine I went to, but after they wiped the walls with me they were satisfied I wasn't Ranma and were contrite for their actions towards me. Turns out Genma had robbed a lot of Temples, so many in fact that I began to wonder if there was a specific purpose for it besides the small amount of coin it garnered. Genma was easily skilled enough that he could have gotten much more money from any bank or Yakuza den without anyone being the wiser, so it had to be deliberate.

Anyway back to _my_ story. I'd find myself bandaged up and no worse for wear, but the holy person who'd unleashed nine kinds of hell on me always insisted on making it up to me. Not being rich in material goods they offered knowledge of their craft and (this being Nerima) their style of martial arts. Apparently Ranma's ability to learn any physical skills was genetic and not learned, because I'm sure I'm not a natural athlete, unless 100 meter chair warming has been declared an Olympic event, and yet I picked up what they were teaching pretty easily. Maybe it was something in the water. I learned a little about a lot of things and enough martial arts to kick Chuck Norris' ass, which of course meant I was barely a beginner by Nerima standards.

Of course all this became rather moot when the brain I was keeping all this new knowledge in became one with the ground. Oh well, at least I have an excuse for having a dirty mind now.

I'd been at the park feeding the ducks and just enjoying the day off when I heard a yell from behind me and everything went black. I didn't get a tunnel or a bright light, it was more like passing out after a night of heavy drinking, I know the morning is going to bring pain, but I'm too drunk to care. I awake to find myself wandering the streets with no clear destination or purpose in mind. If not for the meditation training I'd learned from various holy men I'd probably still be wandering the streets at night. Apparently scattering the ashes of a restless spirit at a crossroads does have a basis in fact, who knew? I managed to concentrate long enough to recall my last memory and headed for the park, fighting the urge to continue walking slowly mindlessly, which was very relaxing.

It had rained since I was last there or someone had hosed down the section of sidewalk where I'd been, because I know instinctively what had happened to me despite the lack of blood and grey matter on the ground and I could feel a pull towards my killer. Now that I knew I was dead and hadn't come back in a cool 'The Crow' style resurrection I floated towards my killer. Even dead I still had flat feet and man did it feel good to get off them. Residual body image I suppose.

I was more floating than flying (even if I did stick my arms out in a classic superman position and make whooshing noises) so someone jogging could easily keep up with me. A fact demonstrated by a girl who'd just jogged out from a cross street right in front of me. After a few minutes I realize the girl is the one I'm feeling a pull towards and a great deal of anger wells up in me. Because of her I was dead!

To quote Arnold Judas Rimmer; "I could never again cradle a laughing child, brush a rose against my cheek, or interfere with a woman sexually." Come to think of it, I'm not that fond of children, could give a fuck about roses, and doesn't 'interfere sexually' sound like you're interrupting her while she's doing something important?

I shake off thoughts of sex with more trouble than I had walking away from the crossroads. Being a vengeful spirit seems to be bringing a lot of my baser instincts to the front, at least that's the excuse I plan on using for the fact that I've been staring at the softly bouncing rear of my murderer for the last ten minutes and wishing I could bite it. OK so she killed me, that doesn't change the fact that she has a dynamite ass! Hopefully she gets home soon because I'm not fast enough to catch up to her and from the rear, ahem, from behind—err from where I am—I can't tell who she is.

Watching her ass bounce I decide that soon is a relative term and it's not like I have to rush off to work or anything.

Man, I wasn't this lustful when I was alive!

As she turns into the Tendo Dojo and I recognize her I groan, I've been killed by a cliche! Why the hell couldn't it have been Mousse mistaking me for Ranma, or Ryoga who stumbled over me and thought I was Ranma in a crappy disguise?

Kasumi greeted Akane and once again I was struck by the thought that anyone who chooses Akane over Kasumi has some screws loose.

"I'm going to go practice in the dojo. Do you need anything?" Akane asked, basically offering to help Kasumi if she liked.

"I've got everything under control. I'm just going to use the furo real quick before everyone gets up."

"Have fun, sis," Akane said, before heading for the dojo.

I of course must follow my nature as a vengeful spirit.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Watching Kasumi lather herself up and rinse off made me really regret the fact that I was immaterial… oh, and dead. Although not having to breathe meant that I could sink under the water while she's relaxing in the furo without having to come up for air. If I ever get the chance I'm so going to do an SI as , minus the insanity glitch around Kasumi. Her time spent relaxing is over all too soon, as I wasn't nearly oogled out yet. Watching her dry off sets things to jiggling in many fascinating ways however.

Ranma and Genma are up and sparring, waking the rest of the house as Kasumi began her morning routine. Akane came in glancing jealously at the well-built redhead sparring with the panda before going to use the furo herself. I didn't bother following her, her toned and tightened rear doesn't compare to Kasumi's. Even under the layers of housedress Kasumi's lush curves called out to me. Man, do I need a cold shower.

Breakfast passed quickly with no sign of anything out of the ordinary going on, except Akane failing to complain about Genma and Ranma fighting over food. I sighed and followed Akane to school, her growls about Shampoo, when she made her appearance, are fairly subdued. I felt my anger at my situation coming back again, this bitch murdered me and no one seemed to care, or possibly know. Hmm….

That thought would have stopped me in my tracks if I hadn't been floating. How did Akane get away with killing me? What can I do to her to get her to confess? I mean, I'm a ghost, I can't touch anything, I can't be seen or heard, so what exactly could I do?

A cry of, "Five Yen Satsu!" startled me from my thoughts and I realize I've followed her to class as Miss Hinako drained the front row and somehow caught me as well. As I was being pulled towards the loli teacher's rapidly maturing form, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell is happening because I could feel myself growing stronger as I got carried along with the chi drain.

I blinked and rolled my head before I realized I was breathing again and the whole class was staring at me.

"She's possessed!" Miyo, the half-gypsy girl with the gift of second sight called out.

"You're crazy," one of the boys in the class snorted.

"No, she's spot on," I correct him. "Man this feels weird."

"What do you want?" Ranma demands, already on his feet and ready to attack. He probably knew I wasn't his teacher from my posture or some weird chi thing.

"I'd love to be alive again, but I don't see that happening any time soon, so I'll settle for my murderer being brought to justice."

"Ah hah!" Miyo called as she rushed to the front of the class and slapped a ward on my chest, well Hinako's chest.

I examined the ward and pulled it off. "I'm not a demon." She slapped another on my chest. "Or a youma," I reply as I pulled it off. "Do you have anything for restless spirit seeking vengeance for his murder?"

Miyo frowned and started going through a stack of hand drawn wards.

"Take your time, I want to ask some questions first."

The entire class looked mystified while Ranma looked pissed. "Let Miss Hinako go!"

"I didn't do this, she did. I was following my murderer and wondering how exactly I was going to get justice for my death when she sucked me in."

"Who killed you?" Ranma asked, afraid it was going to turn out to be his fault somehow.

"Akane," I announced to everyone's shock. "I was feeding ducks in the park when she came up behind me and crushed my skull."

"That was just a dream," Akane stuttered out.

"Oh no, it was real alright. You murdered me!"

"What? But Akane wouldn't-" Ranma began before I interrupted him.

"Akane did. I look almost exactly like you, but I'm bald and wear white robes. I'm not a martial artist and she struck me from behind without warning, obviously thinking I was you, her usual victim."

"Ranma would have been fine!" Akane protested.

I shrugged. "I'm not Ranma. You killed me and walked away, and someone cleaned it up for you. They even had my body cremated and the ashes scattered at a crossroads to slow me down. As long as you go unpunished I can't rest, so I guess I'm here to drive you to suicide."

"What?!" Akane and Ranma screeched.

I shrugged and frowned, not liking the way my breasts bounced or the fact that I had breasts, well in public anyway. "I'll say this very clearly, You Akane Tendo, killed me. You shattered my skull, for god knows what reason. So basically you owe me a life and I plan on collecting by taking yours."

"I'll stop you," Ranma vowed.

I snorted, it wasn't like he could really do anything, but I'd have to make sure to keep him busy anyway. It never paid to underestimate Ranma. "Yes, well in the meantime, homework for today is chapters 12 and 13 in your book, Akane and Ranma, hall and buckets for yelling in class. Akane I'm assigning you detention for the rest of the year. Miyo, is that ward ready yet?"

"You can't assign me detention!" Akane protested.

I frowned at her. "I think you'll find I can. The school rules have no provisions for what soul is in charge of the body at the time detention is assigned. You can appeal to Miss Hinako my assigning you detention, but I think you'll find that delinquents who murder people get little sympathy from her."

Miyo began to get up, but froze and raised her hand instead, clearly wanting to avoid detention.

"Yes, Miyo?"

"I have the ward ready."

"Excellent. bring it to the front of the class please. Akane, Ranma, I believe I said buckets and hall?"

"You aren't Miss Hinako," Ranma said stubbornly.

"Actually as long as I'm in this body I am, legally. Feel free to appeal when she's back in control and I'm exorcised. Miyo, ward please." Miyo slapped the ward on, but nothing happened. I examined it and found she'd missed a seal around the edge and forgotten to charge it. Fortunately this was a basic skill for most shrines, so I'd been taught it backwards and forwards by experts. Taking a pen I showed her where she made a mistake and corrected it before handing it back to her to charge. I explained to the class what she was doing and why making them pay close attention as Miss Hinako wanted them to learn and wasn't particular about what it was. I could feel her in the back of my mind, more amused than anything else. I think she liked the company as it was probably hard to find anyone to be friends with considering her condition.

Miyo held up the ward and I nodded. she slapped it on miss Hinako's chest with a firm, "Kai!"

Miss Hinako went over backwards while I stayed in place, a translucent figure with a ward on my chest, wearing the robes I died in. I quickly helped Miss Hinako up before realizing I was supposed to be immaterial.

"Thank you," she said and gave me a smile that would have had me blushing if I had any blood.

"Akane, Ranma, I believe you were told your punishments," Miss Hinako said.

Miyo had already retaken her seat at this point and I was amazed at how calmly the class took everything, then I remembered this was Nerima and ghosts weren't exactly unknown here. Akane just nodded numbly, still in shock that she'd actually killed someone and trying to figure out some way to make it someone else's fault, while Ranma lead her out into the hall. I picked up the stack of papers on Miss Hinako's desk and passed them out. After spending so much time without a body it felt good to be able to move things. She gave me another dazzling smile before turning back to the class and continuing the lesson we'd interrupted. I was surprised to see that Ukyo was one of the students considering she hadn't joined Ranma and Akane in making a scene. I noticed her now because she kept looking from me to Ranma out in the hall and back again, noting the resemblance, technically we were twins.

The bell rang, releasing all the students for lunch just as Miss Hinako shrank back down into her smaller self. Her unhappy sigh changed to a smile when I sat down at her desk. Apparently she thought I'd leave with the students. Maybe I'm empathic or affected by emotional currents, but I felt pretty happy to spend time with the chibi teacher. She is cute as a button as a young teen and she jumps from subject to subject a lot, but other than the lack of focus and obvious need for affection and desire to fit in she's much the same as her older self. It really shouldn't be that big a surprise I suppose, it's not like she's really a 12 year old even if her body is, it only affects emotions not knowledge. Still listening to political discourse from a twelve year old on the state of world politics is rather surreal, especially when she jumps from that to talking about her favorite cartoon. I have to admit there are some interesting similarities between Bill Clinton and Haruko Tenah that I'd never thought of before. I'm limited to facial expressions and hand gestures for my part in the conversation. It doesn't occur to me until later that neither one of us expected me to be able to speak without a body, so I hadn't tried.

I'm sure the school is abuzz with rumors that Akane Tendo is a murderess. The fact that I'm a dead ringer for Ranma just means everyone nods in understanding and instantly accepts it as true. Well… Almost everyone. The class has just settled down from lunch. Akane still looks pale I note to myself happily and Ranma keeps glancing at Akane as the fact that she killed someone who she thought was him has finally begun to sink in. Ukyou is acting like it's business as usual, probably because she's not involved herself and is confident that Ranma will solve things as he always does, though she does send some curious looks my way.

"Foul fiend!" Kuno shouts bursting in the door with bokken in hand. "How dare you impugn fair Akane's Honor?!"

Miss Hinako doesn't even get a chance to speak as he attacks me. I don't bother dodging, It's not like he can kill me. His bokken cuts through the ward Miyo slapped on me and I fade from sight. Hinako drains him, looking as angry as I've ever seen her, which isn't a lot admittedly, but she looks ready to kill.

Picking up the drained dipwad I throw him over my shoulder only for him to fall through and hit the floor. OOPS! Sighing I pick him up with one hand and write 'Nurse's office?' on the board.

Miss Hinako's anger is gone and she's beaming at me again. "That would be very helpful. Come right back afterwards, Ok?"

I nod and then feel like slapping myself since no one can see me. I hold up Kuno and nod his head before grabbing his bokken and taking him to the nurse's office.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: perv SI…..**

**AN: Another one from the vaults...**


	52. Chapter 52

**Sink or Swim 2**

The nurse must have nerves of steel to work at Furinkan, so she barely bats an eye as she directs me on where to put Kuno. Just to be polite I open and close the door behind me rather than just walk through it, so she'll know I've gone.

I return to the classroom quickly, opening and closing the door so everyone knows I'm there. Miss Hinako smiles in my direction and since she's an adult returns to teaching the class about the English language without losing track of what she's doing.

Next period is Gym, so while the students put their books and papers away I write a note to Hinako. 'Have to haunt Akane, will be back next period.'

Seeing her pen floating she reads the note and nods. "I have paperwork to take care of anyway," she said wistfully.

I follow Akane, who is heading for the girls locker room, still distracted and pale. The locker room is a lot like I expected it to be, much like the male one, but cleaner and better smelling and filled with teen girls stripping.

I completely forget about Akane for a moment, while I watch the others, as she's pretty slow undressing compared to the rest of the girls.

Bras are exchanged for sports bras, even when it's clear the girl in question doesn't need them and even panties are changed for different ones, presumably so they won't get the ones they are wearing all sweaty.

Japanese girls don't practice topiary, if you get my meaning. I haven't seen bushes this thick since my last camping trip. The girls were also rather touchy feelly compared to their western counterparts, or at least I assume so, never having been in an American female locker room while they were changing. If I was going to be stuck haunting a place this would definitely make my top ten list.

The girls ran laps and went through some exercise program. Not as entertaining as the locker room but not bad. I found I could give Akane cold shivers by glaring at her and concentrating on how much I hated her, so class passed pretty quickly for me and I soon found myself in the locker room again.

The girls hit the showers and even though it was a better show than them changing I was too concentrated on hating Akane to enjoy it.

Ok, I still enjoyed it, but not as much as I should or could have! For one thing they have shower stalls so I could only see Akane since I was with her. Watching Akane shower was enjoyable. As much as I hate that girl she does have a nice body. Still it was my job to make her life miserable and she was enjoying this shower too much.

I concentrated on an image of my body hoping to at least project an image of me there, but it worked much better than expected as Akane growled out, "Sealed Technique, my ass!" and tried to hit me. I let her fist pass through my skull and tried to make it look like what I imagine it looked like in the park when she killed me.

Once again I can feel my temper exploding out of control as I imagine the blood that should be dripping from her hands for her actions. Suddenly I'm aware of screaming and Miyo letting out an impressive amount of profanity. Looking around and taking in the fact that all of the showers were spitting out blood I could see why she was a bit upset.

Miyo's gifts must be a lot stronger when she's upset because she yanked me from Akane's shower and drug me to hers. The showers started spitting out water again and Miyo washed off the blood while cursing in some language I didn't know.

Miyo kept things trim and tidy I noticed and angry washing made her jiggle in interesting ways. Miyo calmed down and blushed a little as I followed her into the locker room where everyone was changing back into their school uniforms.

There were a number of looks sent in our direction and I wondered at the reason until Miyo pointed out, "you're visible."

I shrugged, not seeing why that would really interest the girls, especially Ukyou who was already dressed, but seemed to find me fascinating.

"Very visible," she emphasized and her eyes darted towards my waist for a moment.

I glanced down and realized I was pulling a Dr. Manhattan. Me and my glowing blue penis quickly vanished causing some disappointed sighs. Being a ghost is more complicated than I thought. I quickly leave using the door so they'll know I've gone.

I head towards Miss Hinako. Akane will show back up, unless I have managed to drive her nuts already, besides I like Hinako. Too bad I hadn't met her while I was alive.

From everyone I've met so far I can see why so many people would pay for a SI vacation as Ranma. Of course they'd have to be true nuts to do so to chase after Akane when there were so many better choices around.

I concentrate on being visible, but this time include the robes. I think I forgot them last time because I was concentrating on just my body and I don't normally wear clothes in the shower.

"I can see you and your not wearing a ward," Miss Hinako says startling me.

"And now you're naked," she points out, as my eyes open wide and I find that once again I am a naked, blue tinted, see through man.

I quickly fade out and use a piece of chalk to write 'clothes are hard!' on the board.

Hinako giggled.

The class filed in and I concentrated on blue fog. A patch of blue fog should be a lot easier to deal with than me fully visible, clothed or not. From the way the eyes of the students darted over to me and then back to Miss Hinako I'm guessing it worked. Class was pretty boring. I passed out handouts looking like a blue cloudy shape and Akane was held after for detention.

"I have to go haunt the Tendo's. See you at school tomorrow?" I wrote on the board.

Miss Hinako smiled and said, "I look forward to it."

I floated merrily through the air, making whoosh noises, while Akane protested the fact that her family was going to be defenseless without her here. I wonder what she thought she could do to me?

I arrived at the Tendo's fairly quickly. I'm a bit quicker than I was earlier for some reason. Ranma was already there, having done the smart thing and split to inform everyone about what was going on.

"My daughter's a murderer!" Soun cried, a river of tears running down his face. Genma wasn't much better. I swear he looked like the saddest panda in the world. Kasumi was clearly shaken and was trying to calm herself by cleaning. Even Happosai looked depressed, despite the bra he was wearing on his head.

I followed Kasumi around while she cleaned, lending a hand here and there by moving things closer to her. She certainly was an efficient worker. I actually found myself studying her movements rather than her form. I could see why so many writers had her as an anything goes household martial artist, the girl was as skilled in her area of expertise as Ranma was in his.

The time just flew by while I helped. Apparently Nabiki had gotten home at some point and knew the full story because she was looking upset and was talking on the phone with someone. "I need everything you can find. It was within the last month or two, sorry I can't narrow it down any farther, I'll let you know if I find anything more out."

Huh, apparently Nabiki wasn't involved in the cover up, will wonders never cease.

Kasumi is coming through the kitchen door carrying way too much. She's cooked up a storm to try and distract herself from what had happened. she feels tremendously guilty for some reason. I suppose it's possible that she was involved in the coverup, but I find it hard to believe.

Ranma gets up to help her, but she loses control of the armful of dishes as she stumbles and everything goes flying. I discover a new ability by managing to catch everything with my mind. Cool, I always wanted to be able to move things with my mind. I float all the dishes to the table while Keeping Kasumi from falling. Understandably everyone looks pretty shocked so I set Kasumi in her seat.

"Oh yeah," Ranma said, recovering before anyone else, "I forgot to mention he was very helpful and friendly to Miss Hinako and Miyo."

"So he's a helpful and friendly spirit of vengeance?" Nabiki deadpanned.

"Yeah, He passed out papers for the teacher and even took Kuno to the nurses office so he wouldn't disrupt class," Ranma explained.

"What else did he do?" Happosai asked intently.

"Well while possessing Miss Hinako he gave Akane detention for the rest of the year for murdering him and sent us both out into the hall for disrupting class. He even helped the fortune teller girl make a ward to exorcise him from Miss Hinako. She sucked him in while draining Daisuke for being a pervert."

Happosai nodded and turned to Nabiki. "Knowing how to exorcise a spirit isn't exactly a common skill, check the temples around where he was killed with a picture of Ranma since they're supposed to be identical, and you should be able to learn something about him."

"I thought vengeful spirits would be… all vengeful, where does helping people come into it?" Ranma asked, while Nabiki rushed off to make a phone call.

Happosai took a drag off his pipe before replying, "Before Akane… ran into him he was probably a nice guy but now that he's dead he'll slowly lose himself until all that's left is a sub-human creature ruled by its base emotions."

Ranma was about to ask Happosai when he'd died, when Nabiki returned. "I should have something by the time we get home from school tomorrow."

I handed Kasumi a cup of tea because she still looked pretty shook up.

"Thank you ghost-san."

Everyone ate quietly, Soun was all cried out for once, Genma was strangely quiet, Akane had refused to come out of her room, and everyone else was deep in thought.

'Man do I hate how depressed everyone feels here.' I turn on the radio to a J-Pop station and the mood seems to lighten a bit, but still not enough to suit me. I may end up a mindless spirit focused on vengeance, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be a depressed, emo one!

I take a glass of water off the table, making sure Genma doesn't see it, but everyone else does and make it move like it's sneaking around. There are a lot of raised eyebrows, but no one says anything waiting to see what's going on.

Genma glances around the table sensing something was up, but I duck the glass back behind Nabiki and move his plate a couple of centimeters to the side, drawing his attention back to his food as he starts eating again, looking at Ranma suspiciously.

Kasumi and Nabiki giggle, while Ranma and Soun try not to smile, as I start the glass sneaking over to Genma's back.

Genma whirls around, just in time to catch a face full of water, turning him into a panda and making everyone laugh. Feeling significantly better I put the empty glass back on the table.

Genma pulls out a panda sign, but I become visible and snatch the sign and marker from his hands.

# Ha Ha, I have your sign! # I wrote quickly and held it up for everyone to see.

"Wow, he really does look like Ranma-chan," Kasumi says shocked.

# Minus the hair, just like Genma # I wrote.

# No picking on the panda! # Genma writes, pulling out another sign.

I flip the sign over and lined out what I'd written before, and writing underneath # not unless it's funny! #

Genma seems content with that or at least content enough to go back to eating.

"What can we do to appease you?" Happosai asks.

# Akane has to pay for her crimes # I signed back.

"Does she have to die?" Nabiki asked seriously as a tense mood swept through everyone present.

# If she had been tried and convicted by society's justice system I wouldn't be here # I signed as I tried to get a feel for the answer to my current incarnation. # I am driven to try and drive her to suicide, unless a suitable punishment has been inflicted on her. #

I'm actually a little relieved at that fact. The idea of making someone off themselves is fairly horrifying.

"What if she repented and joined a convent?" Kasumi asked suddenly.

# that might be acceptable, but you'd have to make her admit she was at fault for that to work. Empty words won't lay me to rest. #

Everyone groans, realizing how difficult it would be to make Akane accept responsibility for any of her actions, much less murdering someone.

# Until she is suitably punished I am forced to punish her myself and I really don't like what it does to me! #

"Getting her convicted of killing you would probably be easier than getting her to admit she was wrong," Nabiki admitted.

I shrugged, it wasn't like I had a choice in the matter. I found myself yawning and set the sign down I guess I'm a little tired from everything I'd done.

Kasumi sighed mournfully, "I'm going to bed early, I feel really worn out."

"I'll get the dishes," Nabiki promised. "You get some sleep, I'm sure we'll figure something out when we have more information."

As Kasumi walked upstairs I found myself being pulled along with her. I'm sure I looked amusing, trying to claw at the air while I was drug along with her.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What was that about?" Ranma asked concerned.

Happosai shrugged. "At a guess, Kasumi is a very spiritual person and her wish to protect Akane while she sleeps and is at her most vulnerable has bound the spirit to her for the moment so he can't get to Akane."

"So she's safe?" Soun asked worriedly.

"You've seen the spirit and witnessed his actions towards her," Happosai replied calmly. "What do you think?"

"I think he'll clean her room while she sleeps," Nabiki replied thoughtfully.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Kasumi was a bit surprised to see me pulled into her room before I faded, but she didn't say anything as she changed and got ready for bed, although she did blush a lot.

Watching Kasumi change definitely rates up there as one of the high points of my death. As her breathing smooths out and she falls asleep I suddenly find myself piloting a pirate ship with one hand on the wheel and another holding a struggling Kasumi!

I try to let go, but apparently I'm not in control of myself.

"It's no use lass, you have been captured by the captain of the Flying Horseman and the Dread Pirate Ghost always gets what he wants!" I proclaim loudly tossing her over my shoulder and striding to my cabin.

'Shouldn't there be more than one pirate on a ship this size?' I wonder as I kick open the door to the captain's cabin and toss her on the bed, which is covered in red satin and throw pillows taking up over half the room.

"Oh my!" Kasumi cries out as she climbs to her knees in the middle of the bed, wearing something involving a lot of petticoats and a bustier that makes me glad I'm already dead and cannot drown in my own drool.

"I… suppose if it'll keep my family safe I have no choice," Kasumi swore and began to fiddle with the ties. "If you swear to leave my family be I'll gladly sacrifice myself to your dark lusts!"

"Why would I ever bother with them when I already have their greatest treasure!?" I proclaim my eyes gazing deeply into hers as we both tear our clothes off and…

*** beep * beep * beep ***

I shake myself and find I'm standing in Kasumi's room once more staring at an alarm clock. I quickly shut it off before it can wake her and turning to her bed I stare at it in shock.

A two foot circle centered on her waist in the bed and sheets is soaked in ectoplasm and… let's just say I had to find a way to clean this up or the Tendo's would find a way to kill me again!

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: I think Dogbertcarroll was going through a dry spell when he wrote this.. ..and I feel dirty for typing it.**


	53. Chapter 53

**So You Want to Be...**

"Spider-Man, Spider-Man," he hummed as he drew up his character. "Damn, his physical stats alone take up way too much... unless..." John chucked the rules and grinned. "Secondary form has enhanced stats at a discount price and best of all, there's no rule saying it can't be human as well. I'll fill in the details for that later."

A slight shiver went through the building, completely unnoticed by John; who, being a native Californian, tended to ignore any quakes under 3.5

"Precog... general," he decided. "I'll work out the spidey sense on that one later. He's a Marvel hero, so enhanced healing is a given. Photographic reflexes is how cheap? Grab that! Ok, what's left?"

A crack ran up the wall behind him, completely unnoticed.

"That's general combat, now he needs the sneakiness... thieves skill set? Huh, that covers a lot, even his acrobatics. What are we missing?"

A crack ran across the ceiling, heading for the ceiling fan far above his head and stopped at the base.

"Spider climb isn't exactly wall crawling and I still need webbing," he decided. "I think they decided his ability was tactile telekinesis and Spider Woman had webbing that was psionic... so dump all remaining points into a variable psionic pool and call it done!"

The water in his glass shook and then the slow gas leak he'd complained to the landlord about finally reached critical... ***BOOM***

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

John stared at the sheet in his hand, barely able to read it as he floated in light, naked. He noted a lot of red ink used all over it, disallowing some of his choices and culminating in a rather large negative number. He also noted there was a significant size difference between his two forms. "Can I have venom?" he asked, figuring it couldn't hurt to ask.

"NO," came the reply in a voice louder than thunder, the pain of it showing him it could indeed hurt to ask.

"How about any clothes I put on fit perfectly?" he asked, thinking about one of the unmentioned benefits D&D players had over most games.

"Fine," the voice agreed and John felt its deep vibrations carry away his consciousness.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

He awoke with a pounding headache and someone pawing at his tits.

"Get her shirt off," someone barked and John came up swinging.

It was a short fight, for all John's lack of actual skill, his speed and strength made it as easy as kick boxing a bunch of toddlers, even with his pants around his ankles.

"What?" John said as he, or rather she, John noticed, pulled up her pants and caught her breath.

"Are you ok?!" a woman with short, dark hair and a British accent exclaimed, entering the alley.

"Give me a minute and some aspirin," John replied, a quick check showing they hadn't gotten her panties down, much to her relief.

"We should get out of here," she said kindly.

John nodded. "Give me a second first." With practiced efficiency, she rolled the three for valuables and weapons, destroyed their clothes, and was about to break some bones when the British lady stopped her.

"What are you doing?" she asked nervously.

"They tried to rape me," John explained. "Now, I'm not one of those people who consider it a fate worse than death, but I do consider it a crime that deserves a rather painful punishment, so I am going to break the right wrist of everyone involved, so they learn not to do that anymore."

"That's alright then," the woman said, ignoring John's sarcasm. "I was worried you were going overboard."

Three wet cracks sounded as John carried through with their punishment before stuffing them in a dumpster.

As they left the alley, John saw a shocked looking Faith, wearing the exact same outfit she was, standing there.

The British woman looked between the two, surprised. "You have a twin?"

"No," John said, wondering how this was going to play out.

"I - I was being drug into the alley," Faith stuttered out, "and suddenly I was across the street watching it happen!"

John felt rather than heard the jingle of experience points being added to his sheet. "Someone above decided you didn't need to go through this kind of scene," John explained.

"You're an angel?" Faith asked, wide eyed.

"No," John snorted. "If you buy a car, the CEO of Ford doesn't assemble it for you. The buck gets passed as far down as possible." John didn't know where he was getting this information, but it seemed to fit. "I requested a bunch of powers and abilities, so I gotta do a lot of good deeds to pay for 'em."

"Where do I sign up?" Faith asked, having seen John toss around the thugs like they were made of paper.

John chuckled. "Ok, you're next in line. Find a watcher to train you and when the next Slayer falls, you shall pick up the banner."

"Slayer? Watcher?" Faith asked as John left. "I don't know what that means!"

"I think that's my cue," the British woman said. "Can you wait a minute?" she asked John.

John paused. "I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to do a quick fade here, leaving you two to bond and find your own way."

"That'd be annoying as fuck," Faith groaned. "I mean, I got a ton of questions, like what's your name and why or how do you look like me?"

"I'm almost dead certain we'll be meeting up later after you've become the Slayer," John offered.

"I'm still kinda freaking out here," Faith said. "I could use some help."

John sighed. "Fine."

**Typing by: Ordieth!**

**AN: Stole the idea off another author (who stopped writing on an excellent story that was humming along) and filed off the serial numbers, but couldn't think of where to go from here.**


	54. Chapter 54

**Triwizard Something-Something!**

**AN: Various Triwizard events and how they could have been handled—because I don't feel like rewriting the entire fic—I'm lazy - sue me!**

**TN: Or don't, actually please don't sue… we aren't worth enough.**

Word of the first contest had gotten out and the public had objected so a new contest had been chosen by public ballot.

"The first test shall be to…" Crouch announced with a smile as he unrolled the parchment to reveal what the votes had decided, as this years tournament contests were decided by ballot. "Chop down the largest tree in the forest with a herring!"

Hermione's mouth fell open as the audience applauded and she turned to Fred and George. "Did you two have anything to do with this?"

"We might—" the first twin began.

"possibly" the second interjected.

"have had a small,"

"miniscule really"

"effect on the outcome."

"But really—" the second began.

"The top choice before our—" the first continued.

"truly, ever so —"

"brilliant contribution—"

"was having them fight dragons."

"Which would you prefer?" they chorused.

"I owe you big time!" Hermione said giving the two a hug Molly would have been hard pressed to match.

"He saved our sister —" one said.

"You can't repay that kind of loyalty," the other finished.

"Skill, wits, stamina," Dumbledore announced, "this is going to test them all."

The champions, who'd all been about to complain, fell silent.

The Hogwarts headmaster looked at them over the top of his spectacles, his eyes twinkling merrily. "We've allowed four hours for this test. I could do it in a matter of seconds, so let's see how fast you can."

Minerva transfigured four blades of grass into impressive size trees while Hagrid went to fetch a pail of sardines. The four champions exchanged glances relieved to see they all seemed equally clueless as they waited.

"I've got it!" Cedric said excitedly after a minute of waiting.

Seeing the other three champions staring at him Cedric shook his head. "I'm not giving away my advantage. You'll have to figure it out on your own."

The other three's brows furrowed in thought as they tried to figure out the answer. Harry started to laugh a moment later as he remembered something he'd forgotten that would at least allow him to talk with Cedric who'd apparently watched the same muggle show he had. Krum scratched his chin and slowly began to smile as he too thought he held the answer.

Fleur growled. "This had better not be some contest geared towards males."

"It's a bit unfair," Cedric admitted, "you do have less upper body strength than the rest of us."

"It is more technique and stamina than just muscle," Krum said shaking his head.

"Technique does play a large part of it," Harry added, "And I'm pretty sure you could beat me in an arm wrestling contest."

"Oui," Fleur said considering her options.

"Gottem' Headmaster," Hagrid announced as he approached with a pail of fish.

"We don't have to use these particular herrings, do we?" Harry asked.

"If you wish for someone to bring you a particular herring you'll have to wait until the contest starts and it'll count against your time," Dumbledore warned him.

Harry laughed. "That will be fine."

"Remember it can't be pre-enchanted or magically altered by others," Karkaroff warned.

"I know."

Minerva raised walls of hedges between each of the trees, while each champion except Harry chose a fish.

"Take your places!" Crouch announced sending the champions to their trees. "Go!" Crouch shouted as he let loose a cannon blast charm with his wand.

The crowd watched as Cedric transfigured his fish into an axe and started chopping away at the five foot wide tree.

Krum, having some experience with woodcutting, transfigured his fish into a bow saw and got to work a bit clumsily with only one person on the saw, but making better time than Cedric.

Fleur, hearing the chopping noises enlarged her fish before casting a number of charms on it and sharpening one side with a conjured sharpening wheel.

Harry snapped his fingers and an elf appeared. Handing the elf some money, he whispered in his ear and the elf vanished with a pop. Five minutes later the elf returned, handing harry a muggle device before popping out again.

Dumbledore chuckled while talking to the judges, who seemed equally amused.

Harry checked the blade tension and fuel level before pulling the ripcord and firing up the chainsaw, which roared like an angry dragon, startling the other contestants who weren't sure what had happened but quickly redoubled their own efforts. Harry kept steady pressure on the chainsaw and in a little under two minutes the tree fell.

Fleur, wielding a heavily enchanted fish, finished not more than five minutes later thanks to some impressive sharpness charms.

Krum came in third just a few minutes after Fleur.

Finally Cedric finished last, forty five minutes later, having done quite an impressive job with an axe.

Crouch cast sonorous on himself, "Champions, bring your herring to the judges!"

The four stepped away from their stumps and set their tools on the table in front of the judges.

"Fourth place using a simple transfiguration of fish to axe, Cedric Diggory," Crouch announced receiving a loud cheer from the Hufflepuffs in the stands.

"You cut down a tree that size with just an axe in the short an amount of time?" Harry asked in shock. "I'm impressed!"

"I still came in fourth," Cedric said.

"It was still an impressive feat," Krum told him. "I have some experience with woodcutting so I transfigured a bow saw."

"In third place, Victor Krum who transfigured his fish into a bow saw, which is commonly used in his land for cutting down trees." The applause from the stands rang out a little louder.

"I had some knowledge, but it's been a while since I've even seen a saw used and I don't know the enchantments on them," Krum admitted.

"Still it exemplifies the phrase work smarter not harder," Cedric said with a grin.

"In second place we have Fleur Delacour who enchanted and sharpened her herring into a quite superior wood cutting tool."

The crowd cheered loudly.

"That's quite possibly one of the most impressive things I've ever seen," Harry admitted.

"I was just being stubborn," Fleur waved it off though she did blush prettily.

"Impressive is a good word for it," Cedric agreed while Krum nodded.

"And in first place we have Harry Potter with… I have no idea what this is or how it qualifies as a herring," Crouch admitted. "Judges?"

"Harry, would you care to explain?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

Harry stepped forward and Dumbledore cast a sonorous on him. "I was raised in the muggle world so I know quite a bit about muggle tools," Harry explained. "This is a muggle chain saw, it cuts through trees rather quickly as you saw me demonstrate."

"But how does that make it a herring?" Karkaroff demanded.

"Well the muggles are always inventing new tools and improving on old ones," Harry explained. "So they have to give them individual names. This chainsaw, is in fact, the Benford Herring 2600."

Dumbledore laughed. "Well done, Harry. It appears as I've always said, there is no such thing as useless knowledge."

There was laughter and scattered applause from the audience.

When the scoring was done Harry and Fleur were tied for first, as Karkaroff did not think muggle knowledge was appropriate in the Triwizard tournament and Fleur's use of charms had been very impressive. Krum came in second and Cedric third.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Dumbledore held the fish in one hand and his wand in the other. "Diffindo!" he cast, slicing the tree down in a single spell. "As you can see the fish is with me, so I did indeed cut down the tree with… a herring!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Then came the ball, but with the alteration of events Ron and Harry hadn't made up and Fleur had allowed her sister to witness the contest, so it departed even further from what would be referred to as the canon timeline.

Madame Maxine had invited Gabrielle to join them as her guest so she could cheer her sister on. Thus Gabrielle was there at dinner when Dumbledore announced the ball and that all the champions would be required to attend.

Harry suddenly froze aware of the number of girls staring at him speculatively and feeling like a mouse in a room full of cats. Feeling a tugging on his sleeve he turned and found himself looking at an adorable little girl who couldn't have been much older than eight.

The little girl said something in french that Hermione translated for him, knowing he didn't speak a word of french, "Would you like to go to the ball with me?"

Harry wasn't sure how to respond, when he realized this was the perfect way out for him. He wouldn't have to worry about anything if he played his cards right.

Gabrielle began to get nervous as Harry didn't answer, but then he smiled and Hermione translated his response, "I would love to go to the ball with you."

Fleur, who had finally spotted her sister was shocked at his response, any of the boys she knew would have simply turned her sister down.

"Seriously?" Parvati asked.

"When a lady asks you on a date only a complete berk would turn them down," Harry said. "Besides how can you say no to that adorable face?"

Lavender giggled. "You can beat the imperious, but a young girl asks you for something and you fold like a cheap napkin."

"What reason do I have to say no?" Harry replied honestly. "I'm not dating anyone and have no prior commitments."

"Malfoy is going to have a field day," Katie predicted.

"Malfoy would have said something regardless," Harry waved it off, "and if he insults my date I believe I am allowed to respond violently. A nice reducto to the family jewels is the appropriate response, I believe."

McGonagall pursed her lips as she approached. "Mr. Potter while protecting your date's honor is moral and even legal, removing Mr. Malfoy's ability to reproduce could cause a blood feud."

Harry smiled broadly. "So If I neuter the ferret I can legally kill a Death Eater?"

McGonagall frowned. "I really hope you're kidding, Mr. Potter."

"Anyone seen Quirrell?" Harry replied. "How about Lockhart? Care to see what I did to the basilisk who petrified my friend?"

Everyone around fell silent as they considered his words.

"When a young man is escorting a young lady I believe he is honor bound to protect her. Knowing how I respond to threats to my friends how do you think I'll respond to someone threatening one directly under my protection?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry presented himself at the carriages and was unsurprised to find Fleur's date, Roger Davies waiting as well.

"Potter," Davies said politely.

"Davies," Harry replied.

Fleur poked her head out of the door. "Sorry for the delay, I'm having a hard time convincing Gabrielle that she can't dress as a fairy princess."

"Why can't she?" Harry asked.

"What?" Davies asked in surprise.

"The point of the ball is for her to enjoy herself. If Gabrielle wants to dress as a fairy princess while every other girl tries to look like a normal one I have no complaints. In fact," Harry paused before calling out, "Dobby!"

*** POP ***

"The great Harry Potter Sir, is asking for Dobby?" the small house elf asked excitedly.

"I need a favor," Harry said. "How fast could you and the others get me dressed as a knight of the fae for the ball?"

Dobby grinned widely. "Elves can have Harry ready in time it takes to boil two eggs!"

"Gabrielle wants to be a fairy princess and that requires a knight, so lets get started," Harry said.

Dobby grabbed Harry's hand and they both vanished with a pop.

Fleur chuckled. "He is unique."

"That's one way of putting it," Davies said diplomatically.

A few minutes later Harry appeared in crystalline plate armor minus the helm wearing a scarlet cape with gold trim, and an ornate sword at his side. "The girls ready yet?" he asked.

"Not yet, but I believe I heard some elves pop in to help them, so it shouldn't be much longer," Davies said amused.

"You could dress up too," Harry pointed out. "Tell Fleur she should go as the angel she obviously is and go for a demonic look yourself."

"Think she'd go for it?" the Ravenclaw asked hopefully.

"Rather than be upstaged by her younger sister?" Harry replied with a grin.

"You've got a point there," Davies admitted.

**AN: Just a quick idea for a Triwizard fic, but they were rather thick on the ground so I didn't finish it.**

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: Shame wizards don't know about High-elves and Drow… some enterprising muggleborn should've introduced Tolkien...**


	55. Chapter 55

**Renfield Obeys 5**

"How you holding up?" Xander asked Dawn as he came over to watch her, while Buffy spent the night at the hospital with Joyce.

"I-I'm worried about mom," Dawn admitted.

"I know, but it's a little too early to be throwing in the towel just yet," Xander said. "Wait until the doctors, finish all their tests, then we can panic."

Dawn laughed and sat on the couch. She'd had plans for the next time Xander came over to keep her company while her mom was gone and Buffy was off patrolling, and while this wasn't exactly the same thing, she could really use the distraction right now.

"Renfield, Obey," Dawn ordered her heart pounding loudly in her ears.

"Your orders, Master?" Xander asked coming to attention.

Dawn collapsed in relief. She'd been afraid it wouldn't work for her, not being a slayer or a witch and that she'd just make a fool of herself or worse make Xander mad at her.

"Wait right here, I have a tape," Dawn said rushing up to her room to find where she'd hidden it. Ordering Xander to... do things to her would be a lot easier when she could just point to a scene and say 'do that'.

She found the tape hidden in the case for the Inspector Gadget movie. She'd hid it in there since she could be sure no one would ever open it on purpose. The casting had been good, but the script was garbage, of course she might just be a bit biased since she'd looked exactly like the girl who'd played Penny when it'd come out. Buffy had teased her about it for weeks until she'd started calling her Dr. Claw in retaliation.

Hurrying downstairs she found Xander standing in the same position. She slid the tape in the VCR and hit play. "I want you to do that to me," she ordered.

Xander turned to face the TV and his head tilted to the side. "That looks painful, Master," he noted.

Dawn turned and her eyes got wide. "Not that scene!" She hit fast forward. "That scene!"

"I believe she has had a lot of training to do that, Master," Xander said.

Dawn hit fast forward again. "Wrong scene." This time she waited until she found the right scene and let it play through before hitting rewind to start it again. "That scene," she told Xander.

"They don't really look as though they are enjoying it and there is no affection between them, Master," Xander said as the scene played out.

Dawn looked closer at the scene and frowned, "Ok, I could have thought this through better."

"Yes, Master," Xander agreed.

"Hug me," Dawn ordered.

"Yes, Master," Xander agreed wrapping his arms around her.

"Kiss me," Dawn ordered. "on the mouth," she added after he'd given her a peck on the forehead. "more than just a peck on the lips," she added finally getting a good, if closed mouth, kiss.

"Let's sit on the couch," Dawn said.

"Yes, Master," Xander said, taking a seat.

Dawn sat astride him. "Kiss me," she ordered, having to go through several commands once more before she had an idea. "Be my boyfriend and kiss me like I'm your girlfriend."

"Yes, Master," Xander pulled her to him gave her a brief kiss, still closed mouth she noted, and hugged her, gently stroking her back.

"That's how you kiss your girlfriend?" Dawn asked, making no effort to move from where she was, as she was really enjoying the way he held her.

"That is the way I'd kiss you, if you were my girlfriend, Master," Xander agreed.

"Why so different?" she asked before elaborating, "I saw you with the others and you didn't kiss them this way."

"Because you are a different person, Master. You are a young girl who is going through a difficult patch, not a college girl trying to rid yourself of old wounds, or a young woman finding you have more love for those around you than you realized. You are Dawn Summers, my girlfriend whom I love and am waiting patiently for to grow into the woman I know she can be."

Dawn smiled so broadly her cheeks hurt. "I still want tongue though."

"Yes, Master, and I would like to avoid actions that would lead to me being killed or incarcerated," Xander replied.

"Tongue and over the clothes touching," Dawn decided.

"Yes, Master," Xander allowed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Do you work out?" the young woman buying a crystal necklace asked Xander.

The cash register rang loudly and Tara interrupted the girl's attempts to flirt, handing her the receipt and her change. "Thank you for shopping here, please come again," Tara said pleasantly.

"Xander, I think Giles wanted your help in the back," Buffy said, separating him from the girl.

Willow quickly guided the girl out the door. "We gotta close for lunch, sorry."

As the chime from the closing door faded the three woman gave a satisfied nod and then stared at one another.

"Aren't you two..." Buffy trailed off.

"Aren't you dating... erm were," willow said not wanting to bring up Riley's departure.

"Were is the key word," Buffy said. "Wait, do you two really work out with Xander?"

"We get a lot of exercise!" Willow exclaimed while Tara blushed bright red.

"How come he's never mentioned he was dating both of you?" Buffy demanded.

"He doesn't remember," Willow admitted.

"How could he not..." Buffy suddenly looked horrified.

"One of the first orders we gave him was to not obey orders he didn't want to," Willow quickly blurted out.

"Ah," Buffy said calming down. "Ok, kinda awkward," Buffy admitted. "So, you two are just using him for sex?"

"No!" Tara exclaimed. "He helps me... and sometimes the three of us just spend time together, no trance at all."

"So... you're dating him?" Buffy asked.

"I think we are," Willow realized. "Even if he doesn't remember the sex."

"Oh," Buffy said disappointed.

"We're not exclusive," Willow pointed out. "We haven't asked Xander not to see anyone."

"Like the girl we all just chased out?" Buffy asked.

"She's not one of us," Tara said quietly.

"Oh," Buffy said, understanding what was and wasn't being said. "I'm ordering all of us to forget all of this," Buffy said.

"So we continue on and pretend we don't know?" Willow asked.

"Works for me," Buffy said brightly. "Though this feels unfair to Xander.

"That's why I made the rule that he didn't have to obey," Tara offered, "much like you would ask permission before ordering him to do anything."

"He'd probably do all this for us without the trance," Buffy said.

"It's really just a crutch," Willow admitted.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"It makes us feel safer so we open up more, and you've seen how he acts in the trance, no doubt or worries just open honesty and a complete lack of guilt since he isn't in control. It's a crutch, if we were more open and trusting we wouldn't need it and if he were more secure and forceful he wouldn't need it either, but we are who we are and as long as it's useful, Xander won't let me remove the triggers for it," Willow explained.

"That makes a lot of sense," Buffy agreed. "How did you find out about it?"

"You were acting kinda suspicious so I followed you to see what you were doing with Xander," Willow said. "I noticed you were very careful about how you got his permission before giving orders so I talked it over with Tara and we decided to leave it alone as you were both happy with it."

"Then I accidentally triggered him and we talked," Tara added. "It kinda grew from there."

"At least it's just us," Buffy said.

The three women exchanged glances.

"We should probably check on that," Willow admitted.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: I find myself chanting 'Harem'...**


	56. Chapter 56

**SI-Jack**

**AN: I wrote this non-SI/SI when I realized that sticking me in the marvel universe would actually go something like this...**

I whistled happily as I headed to the mall. There were several books I wanted to pick up, that Shelly had called to say were in, and I was going to try my hand at picking up Shelly as well. She hadn't said yes yet, but as she got to know me the 'no' was getting a lot weaker.

— **Thirty minutes later —**

Shelly hadn't said yes, but her 'no' hadn't made an appearance either. I'd gotten a tentative 'maybe' and a lot of blushing.

— **Three months later —**

It was mine and Shelly's two and a half month anniversary. I wasn't even aware two and half months constituted an anniversary. Thank god for secretaries!

She was closing and locking the door to the bookshop when I arrived. Just goes to show what a quiet small town Shadybrook is when the mall closes at nine pm.

"Hello, love," I purred in her ear. Only to find myself flat on my back with her astride me and her right fist drawn back to do some serious damage and unless I'm mistaken her eyes had a slight glow to them.

"Eep! you startled me," she said looking extremely guilty, like she'd been hiding something from me.

I played it off while trying to figure out what was going on. Glowing eyes and fighting skills could mean a lot of things. "You have the reflexes of a cat-man," I teased, mentioning the teenaged attempted super villain.

"I can't believe you hired him," Shelly said, climbing off me, much to my displeasure.

"He's a good kid, he just didn't know how to deal with his emerging powers," I explained. "I mean try and imagine you're a teenage boy and suddenly in addition to the usual muddled mess of hormones you get saddled with a group of feline powers and instincts."

Shelly tilted her head to one side and suddenly stretched just like I'd seen cat boy do on occasion, but on her it sent all sorts of interesting sensations through me. "I want to kill and eat something and then destroy the curtains!"

"I think male cats have a different set of instincts than female ones, honey, but nice try. Anyway so suddenly evolution has the poor boy by the balls, literally and he is driven to mark territory and challenge the alpha male. The best way to do that, to his hormone addled mind, was to put on a cat costume and try and rob my store."

"I still don't get it," she admitted.

"He needed to prove he was a man so he challenged who he saw as 'the man' in town," I said haughtily.

"Not that I'm disagreeing," Shelly smirked, "but what makes you 'The Man' in Shadybrook?"

"Oh that's simple, his mom needed a man to come around and do all those things his missing father isn't around to handle," I said casually, enjoying the jealous feline growl she began and then forcefully suppressed.

"Her boyfriend is all thumbs, so he wasn't able to do much repair work himself and so young Tom imprinted on me as alpha male. The fact that her boyfriend is a vegetarian probably had something to do with it too."

"How do you figure?" she asked as she finished locking up.

"Well, cats are carnivores, so no herbivore is going to fit the role of alpha male."

"And how does that lead to you hiring him?"

"Well, despite having the proportional speed, strength, etc. of a cat, the boy is only sixteen and has had no martial arts training, so since I took him down so easily I knew he'd listen to me. So I put him to work and have given him exercises to practice to control his instincts."

"How do you know what'll work?" she asked curiously.

I shrug. "I'm just using common sense things like meditation and study to identify what are human instincts and what are the cat's."

"And that works?" she asked as I walked her to my car.

"I also showed him how to safely express some of his instincts, and on the whole it seems to be working out. He no longer has any desire to be a villain."

"Are you sure he isn't just playing along to look for weakness?" she asked suspiciously.

I chuckled. "I have him running the extermination section of the store, so he goes from property to property spraying for termites and spreading his scent a bit."

Shelly's eyes get wide and she makes a face. I could tell she thought he was peeing everywhere.

I laugh. "He actually has a gland for marking territory and one drop of that in the bug spray will make rodents vacate a house like you wouldn't believe. So he feels like the town is his territory and our customers get some added protection against vermin. When he get's older and I've trained him on how to run a business I'll simply split the extermination section off into its own company. He's a good kid."

"What if he ignores all that and tries to become a supervillain?" Shelly asked.

"Then I'll sell him on EBay as a sex slave to a Japanese girl's school," I say cheerfully.

"What?!"

I shrug. "The Japanese are a strange people. There are several all female high schools that have standing orders for a catboy for sex-ed. Apparently the battle of the sexes in Japan has some weird rules about cat people not counting. So a cat is fine too!"

"You're kidding," Shelly said flatly stunned and unsure about what to believe.

"Nope, they really are that weird."

"You'd sell Tom as a sex slave?"

"Well if it's a choice between him in Japan surrounded by nubile Japanese teens or sharing a cell with the Juggernaut who thinks he has a pretty mouth..."

"Ewww!"

"Exactly, so I give him a shot at taking control of his life and future as a productive citizen, but if he can't handle that I give him a future as a pampered pet living out my... I mean his wildest fantasies."

"How do you know enough to handle all this? I mean there isn't any courses on how to raise a catboy or catboys in Japanese society, you'd have to pull together a lot of diverse facts to plan this all out!"

"Over specialization leads to extinction," I said with a grin. "I've always tried to be more of a Jack-of-all-trades."

I don't know why that phrase 'Jack of all trades' made her tense up, but I do know that ten minutes later I was having dinner alone as shelly begged off, saying she was having female troubles. I don't quite have her cycle down, so it's possible, but something tells me there's more to it than that.

I called and cancelled our reservations at the one French place in town. They are rarely crowded but being French requires reservations or they refuse to be rude to you. I know it's weird but the black French Canadian couple who run the place just loves the American stereotypes on the French, so most people play along. They go so over the top that it's camp and a lot of fun.

As I put away my cell phone I feel something bite me on the back of the neck and everything goes back.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I have you now, Jack!" a feminine voice that sounds a bit familiar calls out.

"Hardly, Jill, because once more I have kidnapped your boyfriend and allowed you to find me just so you can watch him die!" a male voice gloated.

"You can drop the act John, you slipped up tonight. I know who you are and I can't believe I was falling for you!"

"What?" He was clearly confused. "Are you on drugs? Listen I kidnapped your boyfriend, same as last time and I'm going to kill him, same as last time!"

"Liar"

"What?" He was still clearly confused, but now annoyed as well.

"You slipped up, John," the female repeated. "If that's even your real name, You said your favorite phrase before mentioning you consider yourself a Jack of all Trades!"

The man's voice was both annoyed and condescending, "Apparently one of the powers you chose today was insane bitch, but rather than argue with you."

There was a click and the screen slid away showing me Jack of all Trades and Jill of all Powers.

Jill was wearing a tie dyed leotard and a tiny mask. Not being native to this universe or an idiot I immediately figured out she was Shelly, and pretty damned surprised to see me. She also looked damn good out of those horned rimmed glasses and baggy sweaters.

Jack... looked like he was trying to cross the look of a librarian and Tim the toolman Taylor, by way of Batman.

He sent a small electric shock through the chains and I started cursing him in German. It's a good language to curse in when you're annoyed, of course if I was pissed I'd use Russian and homicidal always calls for Klingon.

"John!" she called out worried, making Jack laugh.

"He's toast and I've arranged for you to have a front row seat!" Jack gloated as a glass panel slid down separating me from them.

Tears were already falling from Jill's eyes as she figured I was another casualty in her war with Jack.

"Any attempt to break the glass will release enough current into the chains and floor to kill an elephant, so I'm afraid your boyfriend is on his own!" Jack grinned.

There was a clang as one of the manacles came loose, surprising them both and bringing a hopeful look to Jill's eyes.

"Bah! Even if he knows enough about escapistry to get out of the manacles he'd have to know how to disarm the bomb inside the left one for that to do any good. Only a true Jack of all Trades could escape one of my traps."

There was a second clang as the left manacle came loose and they both watched speechless as I dropped the deactivated timer to the floor and straightened my clothes, making sure I had all my tools with me. Apparently Jack was way overconfident, probably why he wears a cape since he can't fly, and didn't bother to search me.

I walk over to the control panel on the wall and find the controls won't respond without answering some questions first, but I could see the game was rigged since although one answer in each of the three questions was close there was no correct answer for them. I looked at him and rolled my eyes.

"What? I'm a fucking villain, I cheat!"

I unsnap my multitool from my belt and flip out the Allen wrench set so I can take apart the panel.

Jack is all but drooling. "Why don't I have a tool like that?"

I don't even look up. "Genetics."

"Ha, Ha, very funny. Well I see you have passed everything I put in there. You have proved to be a Jack of at least a few trades and while I hate to do this I am a villain so I put in something extra to insure I'd win." Jack whipped out a remote and pushed a button, filling my cell with a billowing green fog.

Jack and Jill stared into my cell, Jill horrified and Jack looking a bit regretful but triumphant as Jill fell to her knees crying.

I'm a bit of an ass, but I couldn't resist grabbing my throat and falling backwards into the mist that was filling the cell.

"Well," Jack said, now that his evil plan was complete and my cell was enshrouded by green. "With that out of the way..."

I thumped a hand against the glass palm first pulled it down like one last gasp of life was left in me before I expired. It always looked cool in the movies.

"As I was saying..."

I thumped my hand against the glass again this time flipping him off before letting the hand fall away into the gas.

"As I was..."

This time I gave him a pressed ham. Sure mooning him was childish, but then so are super villains.

"You're immune to poison gas, aren't you," he said dryly as I began using a glass cutter to score the glass in a human sized oval.

"Hey! We aren't immune to the gas!" Jack complained hitting another button that turned on a fan that quickly sucked the gas out of the room in seconds.

I put a hand on the glass above the large hole I cut and as I drew back my hand to pop out the circle I saw Jack smirk until I lifted my feet off the floor before hitting it.

The glass popped out neatly and the floor sparked as I swung my legs out. I can't really do a Spiderman, but since I'd chosen Adaptation I could choose a few different utility ones, like not needing to breath for an hour at a time or a weak wall clinging power.

Sure being Superman was probably fun, but as a starting character your powers are a lot weaker so I figured being a poor man's Batman with the ability to adapt would be safer.

I never thought I'd end up living as a character I designed for a game or I would have chosen differently. As a player I usually get into fights left and right to level up as quickly as possible, since first level characters tend to die a lot, but as a character I'm not really interested in leveling so much as living.

Jack reaches for something behind his back, probably an exploding boomerang T-Square or some other silly gadget, so I reach for something behind mine.

Jill is still paralyzed in shock as we draw down on each other. I turn out to be just a tad quicker, but that's probably because I'm wielding a small twenty-two while he actually does whip out a T-Square and pull back his arm to throw it. I shoot him in the knee and the game's over. He falls to the ground and clutches his leg cursing a blue streak.

"You shot him!" Jill accuses me.

"He'll live," I reassure her.

"Heroes don't shoot people," she said firmly.

"I never claimed to be a hero," I pointed out and now Jill is looking at me horrified and Jack is looking nervous.

"I'm not a villain or a criminal, I'm your average US Citizen who is perfectly happy to kneecap someone who is trying to kill him. Heroes have to abide by a higher moral standard and some really dumb rules. As a US citizen I have a whole lot less trouble dealing with murderers who try to kill me."

Jill is clearly thinking about what I said as I pull out my cell phone and check the signal strength before calling the local police station.

"Yeah, can I talk to Detective Swanson, please? Thank you. Hey, Swanson. Yeah, it's John. Listen I have Jack of all Trades here. Yeah. I shot him in the knee. He's alive at the moment, but if his hand moves an inch closer to that remote of his that's probably going to change."

Jack froze and slowly moved his hands back on his leg.

"I don't have poor impulse control. As long as he tries nothing and waits for the police I won't shoot him again. Yeah. Uh-huh. Twenty four times. Because that's how many bullets I had on me at the time. Well he was annoying. I didn't shoot him all those times just because he was annoying. No, just twenty of them. The first one was a warning shot. In the foot, why? Well anyway, I think Jack's more intelligent than that. No, he's not going to bleed out before you get here. He's not laying in a pool of blood. More a puddle and a small one at that. How about I bandage him so there's no danger? Large cola, fries, no pickle. Thanks man, I appreciate it. I missed dinner. She cancelled, said it was feminine trouble and I got kidnapped after that. I'll explain when you get here."

"You shot a man in the foot to get his attention?" Jack asked, looking at me like I was a wild animal.

"It worked," I pointed out.

"And you shot him three more times for what reason?" Jill asked.

"To take him down so I could cuff him for the police," I explained.

"And then twenty more times because he was annoying?" Jack asked as politely as possible.

"He was some kinda nut who thought that because he healed from everything he was the new messiah."

"And that annoyed you?" Jack asked carefully as I bandaged his knee.

"No, that was amusing. The way he thought everyone should bow to him and women should be lining up to accept his seed with no backtalk annoyed me. I kept shooting him because he kept trying to escape. Shoot him in the heart and a minute later he's up again. Eventually I ran out of bullets and just parked my car on him."

"And that killed him?" Jack asked.

"Nah, but he didn't have the strength to escape and with the radio on I didn't have to listen to him blather on, so I was happy. Of course that got me a bit of a strange reputation with the police."

"I thought you were just a store manager," Jack said.

"I'm also a private detective, a bounty hunter, an electrician, a fireman, and a dozen other things as needed. I own the local franchise of my store because S-mart has always been handy to have around and makes a good profit."

"You're a true Jack of all Trades and quite ready to kill, so what is the difference between us?" Jack asked confused.

I shrugged. "You work against society and I work for it."

"But we are better than those... walking Darwin awards!" Jack protested.

I nod. "In some ways yes, in others no, but you have to look at the big picture. An ant nest has a lot of specialized workers and it's functioned perfectly for millions of years. Human society is much the same and me and you are simply all purpose cogs in the machine. By working to make the machine run smoothly I get a moderate amount of everything; fame, fortune, thrills and so forth."

"But you could have it all!" Jack protested. "Rule the city and have everything you desire."

I laughed. "Rule the city and I'd have to do so much work I wouldn't be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. No, I found a man who would do a good job as mayor and I worked on getting him elected. I saw a fireman who had the potential to be brilliant in the field and I gave him the money to go to school. End result? I have a successful business in a thriving little town, where others in the area have begun to fall apart and I barely have to do anything to keep things that running. What more could I want?"

"Women?" Jack tried.

"I have a girl I like and really more than two is pushing it stamina-wise after thirty, so a harem is a pipe dream and just sleeping around a lot gets boring by your early twenties anyway."

"Power?" Jack asked.

"To do what? I can do everything I want to legally and if I want life or death thrills I can go bounty hunting."

"Money?"

I grinned. "Bounty hunting again, catching the criminals in capes pays pretty well as does owning my own store. Anything I want that I can't buy I can probably build."

Jack fell silent, a thoughtful look on his face.

The sound of an approaching siren broke the silence and Jill stood up. "Well if you have everything under control, I think I'll vanish. I'm just glad the man who murdered my old boyfriend will be brought to justice."

I snorted. I'd seen the picture Shelia had of her ex and Jack's mask barely covered his eyes.

"What?!" she asked offended by my casual dismissal of her boyfriend's death.

I reached over and pulled off Jack's mask, causing Jill to gasp. "Jack! You're alive?"

"How did you know?" Jack Sawyer asked, staring at me in shock.

"I bought five points of common sense," I said and just shook my head at their confusion.

"How about I go talk to Detective Swanson, while you two work the whole not murdered ex bit out, alright? Just remember if I come back and you're not here I'll find you and shoot you, but not in your other knee," I promise cheerfully.

Jack looks at me and nods. "Sniper rifle?"

"I was once bitten by a radioactive CIA Agent, I'm quite good," I quip evilly before leaving.

I meet detective Tom Swanson at his car as he flipped off the siren.

"I see you, but I don't see him. Does this mean he's dead or under a vehicle?" Tom asked.

Tom is a mix of Irish and Indian and a couple of years older than me. He'll make one hell of a police chief in a few years.

"Neither, he's inside. Turns out he faked his own death trying to break Jill of all Powers so he could make her his bride or something like that."

"So what do we have on him?" Tom asked, handing me the food I'd requested.

"Well," I said thoughtfully between bites, "multiple attempted robberies, but Jill foiled those before he could make enough to legally charge him with them. It's pretty obvious he isn't really a hardened killer yet so maybe some trespassing and criminal mischief."

"What about his attempt to kill you?" Tom asks flabbergasted.

"Meh, I may have gotten through to him with my two points in 'give gay ass speech'."

Tom blinked.

I sighed. "Never mind. Let's just say he's no longer the criminal he was and since I shot his knee out he isn't likely to be again."

"Another rehabilitation case?" Tom smirked.

I shrugged. "What can I say, sometimes you have to shoot them to get their attention, but once they are listening you can debunk a few myths and straighten them out."

"Like what?" Tom asked as I finished off my fries.

"Like, 'crime doesn't pay', that's a lie and everyone knows it, so by trying to make them believe what they know to be false you become an enemy and everything you say suspect."

"Well saying 'crime does pay' doesn't tend to discourage crime all that much," Tom retorted dryly.

"Oh, but it can," I grinned. "All you have to do is let them know how much less it pays. Sure getting ten grand knocking over a jewelry store seems like a lot of cash, but factor in the amount of time and equipment needed and you'll find that saying 'Do you want fries with that?' pays much the same and you're less likely to end up sharing a cell with Bubba. So after they get caught a couple of times and still continue I have to wonder if they're really in it for the money."

Tom laughed so hard he had tears coming from his eyes. Once he recovered he looked at me and grinned. "I'm stealing that for my speech at the mayor's award ceremony this year."

He'll make a great police chief in a few years, it just takes a few words here and there to make it happen.

"I'll go make sure Jack is still breathing and tell him we're downgrading his criminal record a bit, provided he co-operates. Let the hospital know it's safe to send an ambulance and we'll be done here in two shakes."

He nodded and waved me off already grabbing the mic on his CB to call dispatch as I head back in.

Jill quickly moves away from Jack when I arrive, which does not bode well for my love life, but then I tend to avoid dating heroes. Way too much baggage and mental problems in my opinion.

"I had a talk with Tom and since I refuse to press charges for the kidnapping and murder attempts, you're only going up for trespass and malicious mischief. I figure six to eight months in minimum security which means the state will be paying for the knee reconstruction and physical therapy. You'll probably get some heat for the fake death, but unless you used it to dodge bills or collect life insurance they can't really do much. An ambulance should be here shortly, so make sure you aren't carrying anything you don't want to show up in a police report."

He starts removing some small items and I make them vanish, but have him keep a collection of non-lethal weapons, explaining that he was known to carry weapons so if he had none they would be suspicious, but if he had non-lethal it would help his case.

Jill's eyes flicker between us as she chews on her bottom lip. I can already tell what's going through her mind and it doesn't make me happy. Oh well, I'll just have to break it off first, because no girl who chooses her ex over me is worth it, especially after everything he did to her.

As soon as Jack is taken away on a stretcher with enough morphine in him to make him happy I shot him, Jill tries to take me aside, but knowing what was coming I decide to pre-empt her.

"Jill, Shelly, It's been fun, but I'm afraid we're not compatible," I say putting a hand on her shoulder and plastering an obviously fake look of sorrow on my face.

"What?" she asks stunned.

"I live a dangerous life and it's obvious you just aren't cut out for it. I mean, I took down Jack and you weren't able to do anything while he was trying to kill me. I'm just glad he didn't take you hostage to save himself."

"And as Shelly, I'm so much stronger?!"

She had a good point, but I wasn't telling her that.

"I wasn't planning on introducing Shelly to this life and she's not pretending to be a hero so she would have been safe. Shelly was a little dull, true, but I had hopes that she would learn to live a little. Oh well, That's all water under the bridge now."

"P-pretending?! Dull?!"

"I need someone who knows how to hold firm when things get tough. Someone who understands commitment."

Jill winced, probably thinking about how she had planned on breaking up with me.

"Maybe that girl who runs Bat's Belfry. She looks fun and I know she doesn't break under pressure. Why just a month ago I saw her fighting something I would hesitate to attack without backup," I lied.

Jill is about to go nuclear. She hates Beth, who runs Bat's Belfry with a passion, so the idea that I'm dumping Shelly for Beth.. Well short of running over her cat, there are few things that would piss her off more.

"I've got to go or I'll end up wasting both my tickets to the play. I'm sure you'll want to check on Jack anyway, so Toodles!"

I walk away, having just cut both feet out from under her with my final comments, reminder her that we were celebrating going out and that I knew what she was planning before I'd broken up with her. I'm a bit of an ass I know.

A bolt of lightning from the blue slams into me and I can feel my muscles expand as I level up. I chose shape shift and immunity to poison as my new adaptations. I up my social skills and general knowledge another point, and add two points to occult.

I ignore Jill's questions and wave down Tom who had circled back around when he realized I didn't have a ride.

"Did you just get struck by lightning?" he asks rolling down his window.

"Yep."

"Are you ok?" he asks with genuine concern.

"Not really," I admit. "I was supposed to be celebrating an anniversary with a wonderful girl and instead end up kidnapped and have to escape several death traps and to top it all off she decides to dump me for her ex."

"Ouch." Tom winces in sympathy. "And the lightning?"

"Just gaining more abilities," I reply honestly. Tom often handles tracking down the bounties he sends me after and he works much better if he knows what I can do.

"Wow, didn't know lightning could do that for you, so what did you get?"

"Immunity to poison and shape shifting. Any deadly toxins will immediately be rejected, but I should still be able to use aspirin etc... and the shape shifting is just a minor thing changing features and sizes. Probably skin, eye, and hair color as well, I'll have to check."

"That'll add a larger safety margin against some of the bounties available. I've withheld several names from your list, because of the danger involved making it really not worth the risk, but if you are immune to poison a couple become easy money. I'd advise making some changes to your bounty hunter ad so anyone looking for him doesn't find you. Add an extra layer of protection between you and vengeful criminals."

I grinned. Tom was much better than I was in his field. Specialization and teamwork makes all the difference.

"Sounds great. Well I have two tickets to Doom's latest play. He rewrote Phantom of the Opera, it's now called Tears of Rust and an Iron Heart."

"Wow, I've been trying to get tickets to that all week. My wife wants to see it," he admitted, but I could see he was interested as well.

I searched through my pockets and passed them over. "Take them with my blessing, I'm not really in the mood after the way my night's gone."

"You sure?" he asked reluctantly, knowing how badly his wife wanted to see the show.

"I'm sure. I saw the opening show in New York when I was after that lame-o who could mask his presence using pheromones."

"Wow, I'm told that was sold out months in advance and the Fantastic Four were there."

I cleared my throat. "Well I may have just may mind you, have written a letter, gay ass speech in text + 2." I grinned as Tom rolled his eyes, "about how emotions showed the strength of the soul."

"You're the one that convinced Dr. Doom to write plays?!"

"I just pointed out that Reed was rather unskilled in that area, obsessed with facts and logic, where a more well-rounded, and need I say better, man could shine."

"How did you know Doom could write?"

"He's Doom. There really is little he can't do. Plus the man has lived. He's been through highs and lows that most people can't imagine. These plays are just a small challenge to Reed. If Reed ignores the challenge he is admitting Doom is better than him in this category, if Reed responds he'll lose as Doom releases his masterpiece, The Man in the Iron Mask, which will crush Reed's puny attempt and make everyone forget there was ever a play before with the same name."

"Sure you aren't underestimating Reed? I mean Reed Richards is one of the most brilliant minds on the planet."

"In science he is close to unbeatable, but Doom is one of those that comes close, while splitting his efforts between mastering magic and science while ruling a small country. So while Reed may or may not be superior in one area, Doom is superior in many. Plus I know Doom's true origins and trust me when I say fantasy doesn't compare to reality. To accomplish what he needed to, Doom was forced to become a True Jack of all Trades. No other human on earth comes close."

"Doesn't he come off second best against the Fantastic Four and fail to take over the world a lot?"

I snickered. "Reed was his roommate in college and he respects Sue. If he really wanted them dead, he'd use a death ray satellite or a bomb. Doom does what he does for two reasons. 1. Entertainment, being a ruler makes you a little jaded and 2. To protect his country. Doom is one of the big boys and every country surrounding him knows it because of his stunts. The leaders know that Doom will come straight to their door and handle things man to man if they send an army to invade. So Doom insures his people are safe and plays the world's biggest practical joke at the same time."

Tom looked at me and shook his head. "You have the strangest way of looking at things but I suspect you're right.

"So, do we have anything on the horizon? Because I really don't feel like sitting around my house and moping tonight."

"Just got a new hunter on the roster, specializes in occult matters. I can call and see if she needs a partner for tonight since she seems to have found where three of our runners have gone to ground together."

"That'll work. What's the number?"

I quickly programmed it into my cell phone and hit dial.

"Bats? huh. Small world. Swanson gave me your number, said you'd joined our merry little band of lunatics and needed a hand to make sure no one snuck out the back while you were setting fire to their porch. Shelly? Please can you actually see her as a hunter? She'd probably freeze up at the first sign of danger. Nah, she's just what she appears to be, a mousy bookstore owner. Turns out her ex is alive. That's what I said! got it in one. Yeah Yeah, Coffee sounds nice, but after the adrenaline spike has faded. Because during you may end up doing things and people you wouldn't normally do. Really? Well I guess that works, sounds a lot more fun too! Sure, I can be there in about three hours, I just need to grab my car and a change of clothes first, see you then, bye."

"So I take it you don't mind pairing up with her?" Tom asked dryly with a smirk on his face.

"Nah, she's got a quirky sense of humor and a great bod," I replied absently planning out a route to where she'd tracked the three a little over a hundred miles away before I realized what he'd said. "As for work related matters we'll just have to see how our styles match."

Tom chuckled. "I"ll drop you off real quick. I gotta hustle if I want to make the play."

He pulled away and I noticed Jill was still standing there. I was momentarily concerned, but really except for dumping me for her ex she was a sane girl and completely out of my life.

Right? Right!

I really don't want to know what would happen if I were faced with a jealous ex who could switch powers sets to mimic any hero she knew enough about.

I wonder if I should feel bad for Jack.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: Still too active a character for my lazy self to play.**


	57. Chapter 57

**ADD=FUN!**

Naruto stood up and started to leave when Sakura called out, "Where are you going?"

"Shadow clone jutsu," Naruto replied, creating a clone to take his place and walking out the classroom door.

"I just can't sit here and do nothing," the clone replied. "I am bored beyond belief, so I made a clone to take my place."

"Naruto, you dork, you can't just leave a clone in your place!" she complained.

"Especially when it's this boring," the clone agreed. "Shadow clone jutsu!" the clone called out making a clone to take its place and leaving.

Sakura stared at the new clone who sat there drumming his fingers on the desk. "Did Naruto's clone just make a clone or is this a genjutsu?"

"He made a clone," the clone replied, bored. "And I can see why. How long are we expected to wait?"

"It's been less than five minutes," Iruka pointed out from the front of the class where he was doing paperwork.

"Exactly!" the clone exclaimed. "I can't just sit around here forever! Shadow clone jutsu!" The clone ran off leaving a slightly calmer clone in its place.

Sasuke, Sakura, and Iruka turned to stare at the new clone.

"What?" the clone asked, already beginning to drum its fingers on the desk.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	58. Chapter 58

**Self Inserts Don't Die**

If you had asked me what anime I'd least like being inserted into... Well I'd probably mention a post-apocalyptic anime as even someone with three quarters of a brain can avoid danger in a hentai anime.

Let me try again. If you stuck me in Ranma one half you'd probably end up with a bloodbath, as I really don't find violence all that funny and I generally react just, if not more, violently in return.

Now keeping that in mind, inserting me in Love Hina rates out near the top of my 'Do-Not-Want' list. So naturally my author stuffed me in there, the sodding bastard!

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

I awake in a bit of pain, and climbed out of a crater. If not for the fact that I was wearing regular clothing I'd wonder if I was replacing Superman, but I checked my wallet anyway.

"Fuckin Joy," I muttered as I found myself looking at an ID card for one Keitaro Urashima. Dusting myself off I saw I'd landed in a construction area and my head had dented a steel girder on the way down.

I have some general knowledge of Love Hina, so I'm not completely in the dark, but I am in no way an expert disliking any show that makes light of spousal abuse. I can put up with a certain degree of it, but I just don't find it funny. At any rate I know nothing of time lines for the place, which is probably a good thing as my presence is going to alter events in short order.

There is no way I can impersonate Keitaro for any length of time without someone discovering I lack his memories, so I won't try. Fortunately, he hadn't gotten a new ID card so I had an excuse to show up at his home rather than returning to Hina. I needed a couple of days to figure out what I wanted to do and how I planned on handling things before I faced the residents.

"Hey Mister, are you ok?" one of the construction workers called out as they slowly approached.

"No idea," I admitted. "I seem to be ok, but I can't remember anything."

"You banged your head hard enough to give Godzilla a headache," he said.

"I don't have to fill out an accident report or anything, do I?"

"No, no," the man waved it off. "I would like you to sign a form saying you won't sue however."

"As long as I'm not paying to replace that I-beam," I said nodding to the dented beam high overhead.

"Not a problem," the man promised relieved. "We can fix that easy."

Apparently he was the foreman, as he summoned a man in a suit with the appropriate paperwork with just a wave of his hand along with another man carrying donuts, coffee, and a hot towel.

I cleaned my face and hands of dust and sunscreen and ate a few donuts while going over the contract. Everything was above board so I signed, said my thanks, and was given directions to the rail line I needed to go home.

The sunlight seemed unusually warm on my skin through the train's windows and as my pain faded into a distant memory I began to feel optimistic about my situation. Sure I was in one of my least favorite animes, but I was in an anime and Keitaro was nearly immortal!

I paused at that thought and closed my eyes trying to sense the quickening or another immortal. Thankfully I came up empty, as I wasn't a highlander style immortal, though I did seem to be able to hear the mutterings of the crowd a bit better.

In addition to being immortal I have superior hearing and Japanese people mutter things under their breath almost constantly.

I had to switch trains twice and night was beginning to fall when I reached my home. It wasn't a very big house but it was a house, which cost serious money in Japan.

I knocked and a dark haired girl answered the door, immediately squealing in excitement as she jumped on me, wrapping her arms and legs around me. This of course brought her—or I guess our—parents to the door.

"Son?" Hugs were exchanged with his father. "What are you doing here?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I slammed my head into a steel girder and can't remember... anything," he offered. "I had to look in my wallet to figure out my name and where I lived."

"Get down, dear," Keitaro's mother told Kanako who was still clinging to Keitaro like a koala bear to its favorite tree.

Kanako released her brother but kept a hold on his hand. "You don't remember anything?!" she asked horrified.

"General memories and skills, but not personal memories," he explained. "I hit that girder pretty hard."

"You run the female dorm for Grandma Hina," Kanako explained, before either of their parents could. "You are working on getting into Tokyo University."

"Who thought it was a good idea to make me a manager for a female dorm?" he asked.

"Mother," his father replied amused.

"She split and left you holding the bag," Kanako admitted. "Without a manager the girls would be sent home, so you agreed."

"I'm going to have to beg a bed for the night, unless the dorm is nearby?" he asked.

"I've got an extra futon," Kanako said excited, "you can share my room and I'll go with you to the inn in the morning."

"Inn?" he asked.

"Before it was made into a dorm it was the Hinata Inn," she explained. "You promised when we grew up, we'd run it together."

"That sounds nice," he admitted, thinking he'd be glad when things were straightened out and he could admit to some knowledge of Keitaro's life, while the holes were covered by amnesia as would be the personality change.

After dinner, Kanako shared her photo album with him and talked about all the good times they'd had together. It didn't spark any memories, but he found himself laughing along with her at the situations they'd gotten into.

He knew enough to be unsurprised when Kanako snuck into his futon, but he wrapped his arms around her and she simply snuggled up to him and slept peacefully the rest of the night.

**The next day...**

"Are you sure we should be bathing together?" Keitaro asked Kanako as she scrubbed his back.

"We've bathed together tons of times," she assured him, leaving out the fact that it was when they were a lot younger. "This just saves time."

"Ok," he agreed, knowing it was no use arguing. Keeping his eyes from drifting down and thinking about sports got him through the bath with no embarrassing reactions, much to Kanako's disappointment or so he gathered from her under the breath mutters.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

It was nearly noon before they reached the Inn, switching trains half a dozen times and stopping for a shaved ice after they'd finally arrived at the Hinata station.

"That is a lot of stairs," Keitaro said. "Not the best entrance for an Inn when the general public is so out of shape."

"Yes, however I planned to be a lot pickier about guests than some common love hotel," Kanako said firmly. "Running the hotel isn't about money, but about family."

He smiled as they climbed the stairs, Kanako holding his hand as she had since they'd left the house that morning. "Good. If our only motive is money there are better ways to make it."

Opening the door and entering the Inn they saw everyone seated at the table for lunch and froze, as did everyone at the table.

"Two Keitaros?" Su asked in wonder breaking the silence.

"Dibs on being the evil twin!" the Keitaro with Kanako said.

Keitaro cleaned his glasses and got up from the table, "Keitaro Urashima," he introduced himself.

Kanako's Keitaro shook his hand. "There's a lot of that going around."

The pair laughed.

"Well we shook hands and we didn't vanish or explode," Keitaro said.

"So not a time traveler or an antimatter version of our Keitaro," Su announced.

"Also have the same dominant hand and I haven't seen any reversed lettering," Kanako's Keitaro said cheerfully.

"Not a mirror image either, no Wonderland for you!" Su joked shaking a finger.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Naru exploded wide eyed, startling the other girls out of their silence and starting a flood of questions.

Kanako allowed their situation to go on for about ten seconds. "Quiet!"

Silence descended on the room as she glared at everyone. "Which one of you is my brother?!" she demanded.

"Considering I woke up in a crater with head injuries he probably has a better claim on the identity," Kanako's Keitaro admitted. "I assumed I was him because it's all the ID I had on me. Maybe we should check my prints."

"You don't remember who you are?" Keitaro asked.

"That sounds pretty suspicious to me," Motoko said placing a hand on the hilt of her ever present sword.

"Didn't I just point that out? Kanako's Keitaro asked Kanako. "I could have sworn I did and asked if we could run my prints which would require a trip to the police station I'd wager."

"I can run the prints!" Su exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and running towards the stairs. "Let me get my scanner!"

Kanako's Keitaro blinked. "How is she going to have access to police or hospital records?"

"It's probably best not to ask," Keitaro said.

"What do you remember?" Mitsume asked.

"I woke up in a crater underneath a dented I-Beam," Kanako's Keitaro said, causing Keitaro to wince and rub his head. "I remember... a promise?"

"To run the inn?" Kanako asked still looking from one Keitaro to the other to see if there was any differences.

"No, to get into a school," Kanako's Keitaro said. "There were these two girls—"

"Keitaro you two timer!" Naru yelled.

"Both the girls were there at the same time and we all three swore to get into college together," Kanako's Keitaro said. "Where the hell do you get off calling us a two timer?"

"Both the girls?" Mitsune asked curiously.

"Yes, one had a Liddo-kun doll she carried everywhere and her name started with an N, I think. The other girl... fell asleep a lot and ate a lot of watermelon."

"It was the watermelon eating girl's idea to make the promise," Keitaro said. "I can't believe I didn't remember that!"

"Mutsumi," Motoko said. "You made the promise to Naru and Mutsumi."

Kanako's Keitaro pretended to be shocked. "Are you psychic?"

"It was Naru and Mutsumi!" Keitaro said joyfully. "I can remember it now!"

"I've got the scanner!" Su yelled leaping down the stairs. "Put em up!"

Kanako's Keitaro played along and put his hands up while she pointed what looked like a price gun-laser scanner from the grocery store.

"Price check on Keitaro number one," she announced pulling the trigger and sending a red laser to roll across his hands.

***Ding***

"It says he's Keitaro," she announced.

"Then who am I?" Keitaro asked confused and worried.

"Scan him too," Kanako's Keitaro suggested.

Keitaro held up his hands and Su ran here scanning laser over them.

***Ding***

"Also Keitaro," Su announced.

"How is that possible?" Mitsune asked.

Kanako grabbed both Keitaro's and compared their fingers. "Their prints are identical."

"And how is that possible?" Mitsune repeated.

"Don't look at me," Kanako's Keitaro said with a shrug, still holding Kanako's hand. "I lost track of the plot along with my memories when I woke up in a crater yesterday. I had to find out who I was and where I lived from my wallet and apparently I forgot to update my home address on it."

"I keep forgetting to do that," Keitaro admitted. "And I also woke up in a crater yesterday, but I didn't lose my memory."

"I know what happened!" Sue squealed excitedly. "Motoko cut Keitaro in half and since he's immortal he grew into two complete Keitaros!"

Kanako's Keitaro shrugged. "I'm definitely calling dibs on being the evil twin then."

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: "My alter ego is a kryptonian, and I play fast and loose with his genetics and general appearance every time I throw him into a story."**


	59. Chapter 59

**On and Off the Wall - Ranmamnar**

With a sound like thunder, the sky over the Tendos' back yard split open and a glowing figure fell out of the hole in the sky to crash into the koi pond.

"It's always the koi pond," the red headed woman swore as she climbed out in front of the startled residents.

"Who are you?" Ranma demanded.

"I'm you," the red head retorted as she wrung out her hair. "Just a bit older and a whole lot wiser."

"What?!"

"You heard me. We entered something called a 'Wonderland Mirror', thanks to Kuno who found out yesterday about our curse, but decided that it just means we'd used foul sorcery to fuse us together. He got a hold of the mirror and thought it would separate us."

"When did this happen?" Ranma asked, scratching his head.

"Just now, but since I destroyed the mirror you can't go on the trip we went on, if you get my meaning."

"Then how are you here?" Nabiki asked, confused. "If you destroy the mirror before Ranma uses it, it creates a paradox."

"Magic corn-holes science," the red head said bluntly.

"If you're me, then what am I thinking?" Ranma demanded.

"I said I'm an older and wiser you, not that I was a telepath," the red head said, shaking her head.

"You could be Copycat Ken or another mirror clone!" Ranma retorted.

"Or I could start embarrassing you by revealing stuff from the past you don't want known," Red said evilly.

"You're bluffing," he swore, his pigtail sticking out.

"Nope, and since I was going back and forth in time so much I even have color photos of stuff that happened before color photos were invented. Now for my first embarrassing moment that we would rather die than reveal... a week after we arrived, we got up at four thirty six A.M. thinking we'd wet the bed because Nabiki had poured cold water on us while we slept so she could take photos, anyway we..." Red's voice was quickly muffled by Ranma's hands.

"I believe you!"

"Thanks," Red said smugly. Recalling in her mind's eye sneaking into the furo only to open the door and get an eye-full of a naked Kasumi bent over in front of him.

"So what happened?" Nabiki said eagerly.

"As I said, we'd rather die than reveal it or at least he would; but I'm hardly going to give you dirt on myself."

"I'll get the story out of you one way or another," Nabiki said with a smirk.

"Sorry, but the only person we share that memory with is our wife. Told her on our first anniversary."

"Yes!" the fathers chorused.

"Tell me, boy. When do you marry, Akane?!" Genma demanded excitedly.

"Marry, Akane?" Red looked confused. "Oh, yeah. You guys don't know what happens to her."

"What?!" Akane screeched.

Red shook her head. "I'm not interfering with her future. Let's just say Akane is... unavailable for comment in the future."

"So you marry Nabiki?" Soun asked eagerly.

Red snorted. "Please, Nabiki is dead by the time I get married. At least I hope she is, 'cause the life she had is the stuff of nightmares."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow and glared at her. "And I suppose you don't want to interfere in my life either?"

Red shrugged. "I can tell you what happened, I just don't think it matters."

"Don't think it matters?!" Soun shouted.

Red nodded. "Yeah, it doesn't really matter. A leopard doesn't change her spots, so the end was pretty much a given. Her 'business' caught the Yak's attentions and they were impressed enough to invite her to join. Later, she was caught skimming and forced to work at one of their brothels to pay them back."

Everyone looked horrified.

"I've visited a lot of timelines and even telling her about it makes no difference. Nabiki occasionally changes what business she runs, but it always ends up attracting the Yaks because of the way she runs it, and she always thinks she's smarter than everyone else so she always skims and gets caught. Hell, with all the times she's sold me out or tried to blackmail me, I have no pity for her left."

"How can you say that?!" Soun demanded, worried about his baby girl.

"About the third time she's drugged my tea to try to deliver me to someone so they could... do things while I was unconscious. I'm stubborn, but strike three and you're out. Let me put it this way, I consider Kodachi a better person than Nabiki. Certainly she's more trustworthy."

"I - I don't do anything similar, right?" Akane asked nervously.

"Not remotely. Your temper gets a bit out of hand, but the first time you almost hit a kid you immediately start doing something about it. I can tell you that much without screwing things up for you."

"Thanks," Akane said thoughtfully.

"So we marry Kasumi?" Ranma asked, trying to sound casual and failing.

"Nope. Kasumi was supposed to be our fiancé when we first arrived, but she considered us much too freakish because of our curse," Red said flatly.

Ranma sighed and seemed to shrink a bit. "And since you still got the curse, I'm guessing we remain freaks forever."

The handle of the teacup in Kasumi's hand snapped as she set it down a bit too hard. "You are not a freak," she said firmly. "Just young and uncultured."

Red shrugged. "Our only chance for a cure was the barrel of water the guide sent to us for saving his daughter and you remember how Soun stole that before the whole wedding fiasco to blackmail us into marrying Akane. I guess Nabiki got it from his side of the family."

"Now see here," Soun began, but Red glared him into submission.

"You're older and more cultured!" Genma burst out. "You could marry Kasumi!"

Red tossed a glass of water on Genma. "You don't get to have a say in my life. I think an actual panda would have done a better job raising me and after seeing a couple of timelines where you forced me to marry Soun because my curse was locked, I'm not all that far from locking your form and selling you to a restaurant that specializes in endangered species!"

Genma quickly grabbed a beach ball and pretended he was an ordinary panda.

"Ranma," Red said softly. "There is nothing for us here. Not friends, not family, not honor. Pack up and head to mom's house. I'll catch up later. I have to take care of the other two engagements, so we're free of complications here."

Ranma nodded and headed upstairs. If he couldn't trust himself, who could he trust?

Akane looked like she was going to say something to Ranma, but Red stopped her. "Yes, you're at least a friend, but you leave here in a couple of weeks yourself."

"Oh," Akane said quietly, wondering what she was supposed to be doing.

Kasumi cleared here throat and straightened her shoulders, clearly determined to do something.

"Forget it," Red's voice snapped out harshly. "The last thing we need is someone 'lowering' themselves to marry us. Soun's theft of our cure is reason enough for a blood feud, but we'll settle for breaking the engagement. I'm not about to allow someone to steal our chance at happiness to try to repair their own tattered honor. We deserve love and we'll settle for nothing less!"

Silence descended on the room for the few minutes it took for Ranma to return with his stuff.

"You'll see Akane at school," Red promised, rushing Ranma out the door, "but warn mom about me too. I'll take care of loose ends here."

Ranma nodded, feeling rather surreal about the whole thing as he left.

"The schools..."Soun began.

"Can't be joined because you never truly trained Akane as your heir. She's as good as she is despite you, not because of you. I can't tell you the number of schools that would drool over the thought of making her their heir in Nerima alone. Of course Soun has forbidden the local schools from teaching her."

Akane turned betrayed eyes towards Soun.

Red pulled out a notebook and checked off a couple of items. "Akane's future is on track, so she'll have a good shot at being happy. Genma has been warned, so after this I can take care of him with a clear conscience. Ditto Soun and Nabiki. What am I forgetting?" She flipped a page and her eyes lit up. "Kasumi dooming us to a miserable marriage with her selfishness has been averted. Take care of Ukyou and Shampoo next and I'll be done here. With the exception of Akane, I hope I never see the rest of you again. Goodbye."

"Get the door Mr. Part Time," Cologne ordered as she finished cleaning the kitchen for the night.

Mousse grumbled some uncomplimentary things under his breath about old women as he went to get the door. Opening the door, he couldn't help but glare at who was there. "What do you want?" Red leaned forward and whispered something in Mousse's ear that caused him to freeze solid as he considered it, and finally to grin as Red finished speaking. "Elder Cologne, a friend of the Amazons is calling on you to settle a question of law!" Mousse called out loudly, attracting Cologne and Shampoo's attention.

"Airen!" Shampoo squealed and threw her arms around Red, who for once didn't struggle to escape, nor did Mousse complain.

"So Son-in-law, finally decide to come sweep my granddaughter off her feet?" Cologne asked curiously.

"A bit," Red agreed, "but I have a few questions about Amazon law to cover first."

"Really?" Shampoo asked hopefully.

"Yep. Since I defeated Saffron and Herb, it's not really best for the village to have me in residence full time. I'm a destabilizing influence for the area. Shampoo is needed there full-time as she is the village champion and the leader for her generation. Both of us have duties to our families that we simply can't overlook or abandon, so I'm proposing a compromise, and I want to know if it's legal by the village laws."

"I'm listening," Cologne said. She'd pondered the same problems herself and knew of several possible work-arounds, but she was curious as to which one Red had come up with.

"I have no problem with Shampoo baring my children. From what I've seen she comes from excellent stock," Red teased, making Cologne chuckle. "But children are much more likely to be happy, healthy, and safe when raised by at least two parents. Since I won't be in residence more than a week every three months, I'm going to have to insist Shampoo get a second husband. One that fits in with the village."

Shampoo remained silent, following everything and sure that things were going her way.

"I assume you have someone in mind," Cologne stated, prodding an answer from Red.

"Yes. I know of a male who has proven his worth to me in battle and has shown enough devotion to my wife that I feel better knowing he'd be there to care for her and the children."

Cologne and Shampoo looked a bit down, knowing who Red was referring to and the reason it wouldn't work.

"Before you say anything, Mousse's eyes are screwed up because he had mumps as a child, not for any genetic reason."

"How do you know that?" Cologne asked.

"Got trapped in a magic mirror for a while, the endless reflections of my life taught me quite a bit, but that's not important now, what's important is that Mousse's problem isn't genetic and I even know how to get it fixed."

Cologne smiled broadly seeing a very happy ending to her granddaughter's problems. "Well, Shampoo, what do you think? Can you handle these two strapping young men?"

Shampoo passed out in an explosion of nasal blood.

"Shampoo no hentai!" Red chuckled.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	60. Chapter 60

**Gilding the Lily**

"Gilding the Lily," I said as I awoke and rubbed the sleep from my eyes and then wondered why I said it.

Looking around my room I noted two things instantly, I could see clearly, and had depth perception. Seeing clearly wasn't nearly as shocking as having true depth perception. I'm not really sure if I can actually explain the difference any more than I could explain colors to a blind man, let's just say that it added a whole new dimension to the world.

This also wasn't my bed or my room and I don't recall going anywhere the night before...

As my feet hit the cold stone floor I yelped. It wasn't a manly yelp at all, but considering my feet were nice and warm when they touched down on the floor and said floor was cold castle stone in Scotland, I think I can be forgiven.

Wait a second... Castle in Scotland?!

I groaned as I 'remembered' everything. Well not quite everything I had some rather large gaps here and there, but I'll get back to that in a moment.

I am John Flint, author's avatar. I was supposed to be an SI, but my author realized an SI of him would make for some really boring stories. For instance if he was here he'd already be planning his escape to the muggle world where he would make loads of cash quickly so he could retire and read books while waiting for the internet to develop.

Hell, he'd even worked out several ways to make lots of money fast and easy just in case he was ever stuck in the HP world and that was about as likely as him winning the lottery, without buying a ticket.

At any rate that means I have his knowledge and some of his traits with a large amount of hero skimmed off of characters he likes tossed in.

While he would have no problem letting the entire wizarding world collapse and destroy itself because of its own corruption I actually cared about it and couldn't stand to see all the innocents that would be caught in its collapse come to harm.

Sure it makes for more interesting stories, but it makes my life a lot more complicated than it needs to be. Is it too much to ask for to be written into a PWP with all our favorite characters?

**TN: Yes, now get back to work John.**

Apparently it is, because I am incarnated as Gilderoy freakin' Lockhart! Even my author's typist is against me!

This is what happens when he stays up late and reads an entire fic beginning to end before going to bed. Skysaber's a Gilded Life wasn't bad, definitely something to save a copy of and reread when there is nothing new out, but as an avatar insert, being forced to play Lockhart sucks!

'He could have added a drop of sex god to make me happy,' I thought to myself and quickly pulled out the waistband of my flannel pajamas to discover a whole new problem.

No, I wasn't female or suddenly had the equipment of a three year old, Gilderoy was perfectly normal possibly a bit above average. No, my problem was much, much worse.

Looking down I realized... that wasn't my junk. I could take having a new body, my old one was rather fiddly anyway with a host of quirks and probably a few mutations, a new face was also not that big a deal I never could convince myself that what I saw in a mirror was really me anyway, but _that _was not my penis.

I could deal with many things, but not with reaching down to scratch myself and feeling like I'm fondling someone else's junk. No this would have to be taken care of now.

"Zippy!" I called out, because with the number of elves at Hogwarts there was bound to be one named Zippy.

***POP***

"You's callin' fer Zippy, boss?" a short green creature dressed in a pillowcase smoking a short cigar asked.

I now knew what had happened to Hoffa. Ok, I'm being melodramatic here, it's more like I know what happened to some gangster or other because I swear to god Zippy sounded like I'd expect a New York teamster to sound, if given helium and I'm pretty sure house elves aren't supposed to bulge with muscles like Bill Bixby reading a 'Dear, John' letter.

"Yeah, I need someone to lead me to the Come-and-Go room, but first I need someone to get some things for me," I explained.

"Zippy knows a guy," Zippy admitted after a couple of seconds of silence.

"Excellent, I need two syringes and a couple of the anemone like growths from the back of a murlap pickled." I handed him a small bag of galleons. "If you need more let me know."

"Sure thing, boss."

***pop***

I laid back down on top of my bed and concentrated on my breathing.

Breathe in, hold it for three beats, then breathe out for the same amount of time.

After a few minutes it feels like you're floating and you start consciously withdrawing your awareness from your limbs turning your concentration inward.

The hard part is not falling asleep and remembering what you set out to do at this point. Fortunately I knew exactly what I wanted to do and unlike in real life, magic allows me to manipulate my memories via symbols.

I find myself orbiting around a silver and gold sun with one color chasing the other, like a giant yin yang symbol.

I'm not quite sure what it symbolizes but I have a braided silver and gold cord leading from my navel to it, so I'm guessing it's my soul.

The silver cord looks kinda thin compared to the gold one, so without pausing to realize that screwing around with my soul before consulting a manual was a monumentally stupid move, I tried to force them to equalize.

I'd thought it would be easy, but boy was I wrong. Sweat was beading on my brow as I forced my will upon the two stubborn cords.

I'm not sure how long I worked on it, time being rather fluid in the mindscape, but I was dripping with sweat and trembling from exertion by the time i was finished.

My sight had been almost greying out occasionally but I'd thought that had just been from effort, unfortunately I was wrong there too.

The sun was flickering, no longer a yin yang symbol of gold and silver chasing each other, it was now a rather muddied copperish red with rare flickers of gold and silver.

Is there a Darwin award for snuffing out your own soul?

As the flickers began to die down a coldness began to seep into me. Yeah I'm pretty sure that was the icy grip of death because for a second I thought I saw the face of Christopher Walken.

And just when I thought it was all over, I heard a single note echoing in space as my soul decided to go supernova.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

I awoke in a nice soft bed, feeling like someone had stuck a branding iron on my chest and looking down at my chest I saw a baby bird in a pile of ashes that had probably been my shirt and chest hair.

"Wow," came an awestruck voice from the side.

Turning I found myself looking at Harry Potter who was in the next bed over as we were apparently in the school infirmary.

"Good morning, Harry. I trust you slept well?"

"A phoenix landed on your chest and rebirthed itself," Harry said stunned.

"I noticed. How much you want to bet there's a permanent scar that magic can't erase where his feet touched down?"

"No bet," he snorted.

"Well, I'm glad you're here, otherwise I'd have to track you down."

"Really, why?"

"Got a gift for you. It's not rare, but the people who know the secret of it are. I just discovered the secret myself and I can understand why they kept it secret. If you ever master occlumency I'll tell you the secret of it, but for now just know it'll make you resistant to curses and jinxes."

"What's occlumency and why are you helping me?" Harry asked, hoping it had nothing to do with his hated title.

"The secret art of guarding your mind, and because thanks to some idiot spreading around the tale about how you got that scar, you are going to be a magnet for trouble and since you seem like a good kid considering what you just went through, I decided to help you while I was preparing to do this for myself. Doing it for two people makes it work better anyway."

"Is there any way I could get it for Hermione and Ron?" Harry asked eagerly. "They were there for nearly the whole thing."

I thought about it for a moment and began to grin. "Let me check with Zippy. Zippy?" I called out.

***pop***

"You called, boss?"

"Yes, did you get what I sent you for?"

"Zippy nodded, which actually required a bit of bowing as he had no neck to speak of. "Yeah, boss. I gots two jars of pickled things and the syringes."

Zippy pulled out two good sized jars, filled with small floating purple things that looked like miniature sea anemones in them, and a small black case, and set them on the nightstand in between the two beds.

"Excellent work! Zippy, would like you like to join my family?"

Zippy's eyes opened so wide I was sure they were about to fall out. "Zippy can be part of family again?!"

"You and whoever you want to bring with you," I replied. I swear, house elves are worth their weight in gold!

"Zippy go check!"

***pop***

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"A house elf. They live to cook, clean, and whatever other chores you can think of. Accept them into your family, treat them right, and they will be the most loyal family retainers in existence. The only thing you have to remember is to never give them clothes as that's the ritual for firing them."

"How do you get laundry done then?" Harry asked.

"They can handle clothes just fine, it's giving it directly to them that's the problem. The wizarding world in general looks down on them and treats them as slaves, but I'm sure you've realized by now that people in general, regardless of society, are dicks."

Harry laughed.

"Now pick one of these floating things and swallow it."

Harry stopped laughing and examined one of the jars while I opened the other one and fished a small one out with my fingers.

"Down the hatch," I said and swallowed it. I looked around for something to wipe my fingers on and my eyes come to rest on the phoenix fledgling on my chest that I was still making sure not to dislodge.

"Chirp," it chirped disdainfully, eying my wet fingers.

I quickly wiped them on my blanket and pretended I hadn't been thinking what I'd been thinking. I could feel the bird's amusement.

"Eww," Harry said wiping his fingers on his shirt. "That tasted awful!"

"That's why I simply swallowed mine. I think when we give them to Ron and Hermione, I'll coat them in chocolate and tell them it's a pill."

"Is that all it takes?"

"Nah this was the first of half a dozen steps, some of which are fakes so no legilimancer can read your mind and steal it. Ok, and I'll admit the idea of making whoever tries to steal the idea from your mind eat countless baby sea anemones to find the right type is funny."

Harry laughed.

There came a sound like popcorn popping and my bed was surrounded by elves. "This isn't going to leave Hogwarts shorthanded is it?"

"No, boss," Zippy replied. "Lotsa elves at Hogwarts. So many elves that many gots no work ta do, boss."

"Ok, well I'll find work to do and stuff for you to clean even if I have to work at it."

Have you ever had a couple dozen house elves beam at you? Trust me it's both nice and creepy.

"I'll need elves who can clean underwater and locate, retrieve, and clean stuff buried in the dirt. I want elves who are good at fixing broken things and elves who are skilled at cleaning without being seen. I'd suggest everyone find an elf who has those skills to train them if you don't have those skills already."

All the elves but Zippy popped away.

"You are going to by my main elf, Zippy. I'll tell you what I need done and you can assign other elves to do it. If there is a better elf at planning and figuring out the best way to get things done you are the one that's going to assign him the job of doing so."

Zippy swelled with pride. "Thanks, boss!"

"Now I need two glasses of hot cocoa with cinnamon sticks."

"Right away, boss!"

***pop***

Zippy was back almost instantly setting down a couple of cups with cinnamon sticks on the side.

"Take the two jars and have the contents made into little chocolate pills, please."

"Yes sir, boss!"

***pop***

Taking a pinch of phoenix ash, once I was sure it wouldn't upset the bird on my chest, I dropped them in the cocoa and pretended to be muttering a spell under my breath while stirring each one carefully with the cinnamon stick seven times counterclockwise.

"Bottoms up" I said and downed my own while Harry did the same.

"My forehead feels warm," Harry said as his scar started smoking.

"Well don't poke it or it'll never heal," I said figuring the combination of making him more resistant to dark magic and drinking phoenix ash was destroying the horcrux. Sure I could be wrong, but it seemed likely and fit the facts.

Taking out a couple of old fashioned glass syringes I handed him one. "Fill 'er up, while I do the same."

Harry looked ill at ease, but he was much too indoctrinated to obey adults to object. I probably looked much the same. I don't mind needles, but I hate watching them go in and I had to because I was the one doing it.

"Zippy," I called out when we'd both finished.

***Pop***

"Yeah, boss?"

"I need you to spin both these until there is a clear fluid at the base and then vanish the blood leaving just the fluid and hand them back to us."

Zippy nodded and with a wave of his hand he spun the glass needles as efficiently as any centrifuge.

"Normally I'd say avoid blood magic and giving people blood, but as we are going to vanish the blood that's not a problem here. Oh, by the way if anyone tries to take your blood for a dark rite while saying anything about forcibly taken, and they will since its part of that kind of ceremony, try and be willing for them to have the blood as it completely screws up their ritual and ruins their day."

"Have you been through a lot of those?"

"Dark wizards are always trying to spread fear and increase their power base and the best way to do that is to grab someone everyone knows. If you want to know more it'll have to wait until you're older."

Zippy handed us our syringes and Harry copied me in squeezing the air out and making sure there were no bubbles.

"I willingly share any strengths or gifts that I have as if you were my own brother," I said formally before injecting my plasma directly into his veins.

"I willingly share any gifts or strengths I have as if you were my brother," Harry said before injecting his plasma into my veins.

Zippy cleaned the syringes and popped away with the cases as we both relaxed.

I stopped for a second and frowned. "I never did introduce myself did I?"

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: I stole… errr borrowed a number of ideas from Skysaber, but it didn't really gel for me.**

**TN: I wonder if this version of his SI is part kryptonian like the last one... kryptonian Harry anyone?**


	61. Chapter 61

**Cold Iron Thoughts**

There was a balance to all things and for favors asked favors were granted as well, so Ethan relaxed and allowed the presence to push him aside.

"What costume would work best for protecting someone if you had to blend in to help keep them safe?" Ethan asked.

Xander's eyes lost focus as he scanned the racks of costumes before mechanically reaching in and pulling out an outfit that hadn't been there a second before.

"You and your companion's costumes are already paid for," Ethan said, passing a receipt to Xander who blinked and turned to see what Dawn was calling him for.

"Jubilee is kinda lame, Energizer is pretty young, but what about Kitty Pryde?" Dawn asked, holding up a loose blue jacket, greyish-blue tights, with a black domino mask and plastic tanto.

"Kitty was always one of my favorites," Xander said. "Looks like post-Ogun where she gained some major fighting skills."

"Let me see how much it is," Dawn said.

"No, need," Xander said holding up a receipt. "You are helping me keep an eye on the munchkins, the least I can do is cover the cost of the costume."

Dawn felt the fifty her mother had given her and had an idea. "Then I get to spring for dinner. How about we hit the local IHOP after we drop off the kiddies?"

"Sounds like a plan," Xander agreed.

Dawn barely stopped herself from squealing, she had a date!

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Dawn examined herself in the mirror and touched up her lipstick. She looked old enough to be in high school, but something was missing. She spotted a fake tattoo she'd bought at hot topic, it was almost too pretty to use, an intricate black dragon tattoo with its wings outstretched. Opening her jacket she placed it over her left breast so the head was just peeking out of her shirt. Perfect!

"You've gone all out," Joyce noted as she looked in on her youngest daughter.

"I've got a date," Dawn said proudly.

"Who's the lucky guy?" Joyce asked, not recalling Dawn saying anything about any of the boys in her class.

"Xander," Dawn said with a smile.

Joyce thought about that for a moment. He was about three years older than her, which was just barely acceptable, but she was also pretty sure he was interested in Buffy. "And how did he ask you out?" Joyce asked.

"He paid for my costume to thank me for helping him keep an eye on the kids we're escorting, so I asked him out to dinner afterwards," Dawn explained.

"He may not think of it as a date," Joyce warned, not wanting her daughter to get her hopes up and be disappointed.

"I know," Dawn assured her. "But it's a foot in the door and I can slowly get him used to the idea before making an obvious move on him."

"Sounds like an excellent plan," Joyce offered. "Just take it slow."

"I will," Dawn promised.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What happened? Where am I?" Kitty Pryde asked, head swiveling to look for threats.

"My memory appears to be damaged," the young man next to her said tonelessly. "I have no knowledge of how we came to be here or what is currently going on around us."

"Who are you?" Kitty asked.

"I am a Cyberdyne T-850c experimental cyborg, designated Alexander Lavelle Harris," Alexander replied.

"Cyborg?" Kitty asked, wondering if passing through him had somehow managed to scramble her memory instead of just scrambling his, as her power usually affected machines.

"Living flesh over a metal alloy endoskeleton," Alexander replied.

"I'm familiar with the concept," she replied. "Why are you here?"

"My orders are to find, protect, and obey, Dawn Anastasia Summers," he replied.

"Xander, Dawn!" a redhead yelled running up to them.

Alexander stepped protectively in front of Kitty.

"It's chaos out here!" the redhead complained. "People have turned into their costumes and they're running wild!"

"Who are you?" Kitty asked, peeking around the protective cyborg.

"Oh no, it got you too!" She groaned. "Ok, listen carefully, you aren't who you think you are. You are Xander Harris, my best friend and you are Dawn Summers, Buffy's little sister."

A distant scream caused the redhead to spin around. "That sounds like, Buffy! We have to save her!"

"I'm Dawn Summers?" Kitty asked doubtfully.

"That is correct," 'Xander' said, "you are one Dawn Anastasia Summers."

"We have to hurry!" the redhead said reaching out for Xander and passing a hand through him.

"Watch it!" Kitty snapped moving protectively in front of Xander.

"What?" the redhead asked. "I can't hurt him, I can't hurt anyone; I dressed as a ghost, see?" She swung her hand at the two only to have it batted away by the irate brunette. "That's impossible, I'm immaterial!"

"Do not pass any part of your body through him!" Kitty ordered.

"My body is on a porch two blocks away!" the redhead exclaimed. "Can we rescue Buffy now?!"

"Fine, but remember what I said," Kitty ordered.

Xander followed the two keeping up effortlessly even as the two passed through physical barriers as if they didn't exist. He'd just ran through a picket fence, leaving a hole when they came upon a dark haired woman in medieval dress, cowering against a tree and being menaced by several small demonic figures.

"Get away from her!" the redhead yelled running through them and scaring them off.

Kitty spun around at the sound of a shotgun being cocked. "Minimal force only," she ordered. "They may be children and these ones are in retreat and no threat."

"Affirmative," Xander replied, standing at ready.

"Oh please, good sir, you must protect me, my father will pay you handsomely for my safe return!" Buffy swore.

"It's me Willow," the redhead said, "Don't you remember anything?"

"Willow?" Buffy said. "I most certainly don't remember any camp followers such as yourself, I am a lady of breeding."

"Xander, let's escort them to some place safe, or at least safer than standing around out here," Kitty ordered.

"Affirmative," Xander replied and turned to the other two young women. "Come with me if you want to live."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Kitty had taken charge and gotten them to safety, going so far as to make them stop for Willow's body, which provided further evidence that the red-haired ghost was telling the truth.

"That can't be me, I'd never wear such uncouth clothing, Buffy or 'Lady Elizabeth' as she insisted on being called said forcefully on seeing pictures of herself in the Summers' living room.

"Your body is Buffy Summers'," Kitty told her. "Could be an evil mage or something worse that caused this. Try not to fret about it, my personal guardsman will keep us safe until, the Good Lord or one of his servants sees fit to restore us."

"Thank you for your kind words and understanding," Elizabeth said calming down and giving her a small smile.

"The bodies we occupy are sisters," Kitty told her, "I could do no less for a kinsman."

A scream from outside caused Willow to stop trying to re-enter her body and instead stick her head through the door. "Cordelia's being chased by Sasquatch, you have to save her!"

Xander looked to Kitty who nodded. Stepping out on the porch he picked up a potted plant and threw it. The creature's howl cut off instantly and Xander stepped back inside and shut the door. "She has been saved," he reported.

Scarcely a few seconds later there was a pounding at the door that revealed an angry girl in a catsuit. An argument with Willow lead to the ghost running off to inform 'Giles' of what was going on. Meanwhile Kitty and Elizabeth talked, with Elizabeth taking great comfort from Kitty's presence, while Cordelia ranted in Xander's ear and he simply sat there waiting for orders.

Angel was halfway through the door to the living room when he found himself pinned in place with a shotgun against his throat.

"What are you doing? That's angel!" Cordelia complained smacking Xander in the head and shoulders to no effect.

"Xander, report," Kitty ordered.

"He has no pulse or respiration, and his body temperature is currently sixty-eight degrees," Xander replied.

"Vampire with a soul, remember?" Angel asked, wondering what was going on.

"Cordelia seems to know him," Kitty said. "Let him up, but if he makes a threatening move remove his head." Kitty was not a fan of vampires.

"Might we have some tea?" Elizabeth requested.

"Xander, would you please make us some tea?" Dawn asked.

"Affirmative," Xander replied entering the kitchen and taking Angel with him. The sounds of a brief scuffle broke out, but Xander returned a few minutes later no worse for the wear with tea for the three ladies and a stunned looking vampire.

"So, what's the deal?" Cordelia asked, finally taking note of everyone else.

"Everyone turned into their costume, or nearly everyone," Angel said.

"My name is Kitty Pryde and this is the Lady Elizabeth Summers," Kitty said.

"And you?" Cordelia asked Xander.

Xander looked to Dawn who nodded.

"I am a Cyberdyne T-850c Experimental cyborg designated Alexander Lavelle Harris."

Angel and Cordelia shrank back.

"Is that bad?" Kitty asked.

"He's a terminator!" Cordelia exclaimed moving as far away from him as possible.

"Cyborg from the future, sent back to kill the general who saves mankind," Angel summed up recalling the movie.

"His orders are to protect and obey me," Kitty told them.

"I don't recall that from the movie," Angel said.

"The sequel had a terminator sent back to save John Connor," Cordelia said. "The dork would dress as that one."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Are you sure we can't snag the slayer while she's weak?" Spike asked as they listened to the chaos outside, audible even in the normally quiet warehouse district.

"Kitten's all cold now," Dru said sadly. "I can feel his thoughts like spikes of cold iron waiting to be used. You can't drain a car, biting metal just chips fangs."

"The whelp you like has come into his own, has he?" Spike asked, knowing what she'd seen in Xander, despite how he'd hidden it.

"The iron in his blood has become steel," Dru said with a shudder. "Even turning wouldn't make him family now."

"Right, then," Spike decided. "Everyone pack up we're leaving now."

A potential monster had been forged into something even turning wouldn't allow them to co-exist with, that had time-to-go written all over it.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Buffy took off her wig. "Ok, that kinda sucked, but it could have been a whole lot worse."

Willow sat up and pulled the sheet off herself. "I'm alive!"

"Buffy," Angel said stepping up to her and the rest of the world ceased to exist for the two of them.

Dawn rolled her eyes and stepped over to Xander. "I believe we had a date with an IHOP," she said, snagging Xander's hand.

"Have I suddenly turned invisible?" Cordelia demanded.

Willow swallowed the comment she'd been about to make.

Dawn kicked the front door closed behind them. "That wasn't too bad, considering," she said as she recalled how Kitty's dates tended to go.

"It could have been much worse," Xander agreed readily.

Naturally that was the cue for a vampire to leap out of an alley at them.

"Eeep!" Dawn jumped and the vampire stumbled through her.

Xander grabbed the vampire's head and snapped its neck. "Looks like dinner is on him." Xander rolled him for cash and then staked him.

"Still?" she asked, seeing how easily he'd handled the vamp.

"Yep," he agreed, not needing to ask about her, he'd seen her phase through the vamp.

"So..." she said taking his arm, "still have to obey my orders?"

"Dawn!" he groaned.

"What?" she asked innocently. "I'm just askin." She smirked.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	62. Chapter 62

**Bright Copper Trails**

"Any side effects?" Giles asked.

"I'm solid once more, but I'm wearing racier underwear," Willow admitted, blushing bright red a few seconds later.

"Willow now has a tendency to overshare," Buffy offered.

"Err, yes," Giles said embarrassed as he noted it for his journal.

"I spent the night as a terrified and useless noblewoman, but once I got my hands on a frying pan I was unstoppable," Buffy said.

"Really?" Giles asked curiously.

"A large cast iron frying pan," Buffy said matter-of-factly. "I disarmed pirates with swords and took out a number of monsters using a frying pan. I can still remember the moves too, they're so easy they're almost instinctual."

"She did," Willow agreed. "And all while wearing a huge poofy dress and reduced to normal human strength levels."

"We'll have to see how that works now that the spell is ended," Giles said. "Xander, anything to add?"

"Why are you still dressed that way?" Willow asked. "I mean the overcoat and hat give you a film noir private detective look, but it also looks a bit like a flasher, not that I'd object to you flashing me and I'd love to sneak under that coat only—" Willow's voice was cut off as Buffy covered her mouth.

Xander placed a brown gloved hand on the table and tapped his fingers pinky to pointer in sequence several times. The table shuddered as if he'd struck it with a hammer and there were small dents where his fingers had contacted the wood. "I dressed as more than just a detective, I dressed as a cyborg."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Dawn ran a hand over the stuffed dog in front of her, ignoring the tears falling from her eyes. She knew it was just a stuffed animal from a TV show, but for one night it had been more than that, it had been her loyal companion and closest confidant, and now... he was gone.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander suddenly stood up ignoring the arguments going on around him. "I gotta go!"

"What?"

"I'm needed," Xander replied, turning to go and ignoring their calls for him to stay.

Buffy tried to catch him but he was much too quick for her, vanishing out of the school before she even reached the middle of the hall.

"Giles, what do we do?" Buffy asked, returning to the library.

"I—I don't know," Giles stuttered. "We need more information before we do anything," he said before muttering something under his breath about how other watchers didn't have to deal with this sort of insanity.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Joyce didn't know what to do, Dawn was crying and wouldn't say why, she just sat there hugging the stuffed dog that was part of the last night's Halloween costume. It probably has something to do with the hallucinations brought on by the gas leak, but it was impossible to help your daughter through a bad trip if she wouldn't talk to you.

Joyce had started a pot of coffee and almost jumped out of her skin when something pounded on the front door hard enough to cause it to shake in its frame just before a brown gloved hand actually came through the door.

"Sorry!"

"Xander?" Joyce asked opening the door and revealing an embarrassed but concerned young man. "You're still wearing your costume?"

"Xander!" Dawn yelled attempting to rush down the stairs but her toe caught a quarter of the way down and she tripped. Instead of trying to save herself, she instinctively curled into a ball to protect the stuffed dog she was carrying.

Joyce started to rush over when Xander's arms stretched past her to catch dawn and return her safe and sound to Xander. "That's not a costume," Joyce realized.

"Not anymore," Xander agreed as Dawn cried on his shoulder. "It's OK," he told her. "He's not dead, he just returned to his family. We couldn't keep him when they still needed him."

"Promise?" Dawn begged.

"Promise," Xander assured her, and was rewarded by a tight hug and a much happier Dawn.

"How?" Joyce asked.

"The last time Buffy tried to talk to you about it you had her committed," Xander told her, not saying anything more.

"Claiming you're the messiah, responsible for cleansing demons from the earth, without providing any tangible proof, tends to get you committed," Joyce said bluntly.

"She didn't demonstrate her superhuman strength or anything?" Xander asked.

"No, just torched her school gym and claimed to be Jesus," Joyce told him. "An insanity plea beat jail-time, so we put her in a sanitarium and hoped someone had just slipped her something at the prom."

"She wasn't hallucinating or crazy," Xander told her. "Not exactly Jesus and mainly deals with vampires, but yeah she was telling the truth."

"I'll still miss him," Dawn admitted, not paying attention to their discussion.

"So will I," Xander assured her. "But I'm also happy he's home."

"That does help," Dawn agreed readily.

"And you're now a natural blonde, which is going to drive your older sister nuts," he promised, making her laugh.

Joyce reached out and ran her fingers through Dawn's hair, finding she wasn't wearing a wig. "Do you have X-ray vision?" she asked Xander, wondering about the natural blonde comment.

"Eyebrows," Xander told Joyce, shaking a finger at her with a smirk.

"Don't you have an X-Ray scanner built into your optical sensor suite?" Dawn asked seriously. "It should be accessible just by motive force alone, not even needing an audible command or override code."

"Yes, however your mother was thinking Superman not medical tech," Xander replied. "X-Ray's do not tell you the color of someone's pubic hair nor even if they have any, normally."

"You should be able to tell if I have any through the use of several different sensors. Its color is beyond the current tech level possible and would require speculation however," Dawn agreed. "You could just ask me to show you or use a remote surveillance drone if you were curious."

"Honey," Joyce said calmly, "that topic is highly inappropriate for your age and you seem to have jumped a couple dozen IQ points."

"I'm now his primary technician," Dawn told Joyce. "In fact here and now I am his only technician, I can't afford modesty because if he's less than completely open with me he could die."

"You're skipping a step or two in that explanation," Joyce said.

"Honesty begets Honesty," Dawn said not feeling the need to say any more.

"And that's all?" Joyce asked.

"No," Dawn admitted. "I'm also trying to forge much stronger ties with him, but that's secondary."

"I'm right here," Xander reminded them.

"I know," Dawn said cuddling into his chest. "I wasn't trying to be rude or treat you like a thing I was just explaining things to mom."

"Fair enough," he replied easily.

"Let's start over," Joyce said. "Buffy wasn't crazy?"

"Buffy was chosen to be the next vampire slayer when the last one died," Xander explained. "Its a destiny thing and no earthly power was involved."

"And what does that mean exactly?" Joyce asked.

"The world is older than you know..." Xander began sounding exactly like Giles.

**Half an hour later...**

"And Halloween?" Joyce asked.

"Usually a quiet time as demons feel it's too commercial," Xander explained. "We were all turned into our costumes and we still don't know why. Buffy's watcher is researching the matter."

"What are you doing?" Joyce asked Dawn who had unbuttoned Xander's shirt and crawled halfway inside.

"Checking his systems," Dawn replied. "I really should get him on the table in my lab... OK, I need to build a lab, but for now I need you to strip down to your shorts and I need... an eyeglass repair kit and some Visine."

"I should have both in my purse," Joyce replied going through her bag and finding the requested items.

"We're probably going to need some privacy for this," Dawn hinted, recalling how embarrassed he got.

"I don't have his insecurities," Xander told Dawn. "I'm not him, sorry."

Dawn threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "Never apologize for that, I like you! I just thought you might have some of his issues."

"Being a cyborg is a step up for me," Xander assured her. "It gives me the edge I need to keep fighting demons."

Dawn released him with a sigh. "Just be you, I don't need an uncle or older brother, I need a friend."

Xander set Dawn down and removed his coat, revealing he was only wearing a small section of fabric around his neck that gave the illusion of a shirt. His torso looked like it had been sculpted by a Greek artist and there were gleaming lines of silver crisscrossing his body.

"Don't you need a clean room and specialized tools?" Joyce asked, trying to distract herself from the sight.

"I argued that he was a working man and not a hothouse flower," Dawn said motioning for Xander to sit as she took the Visine and eyeglass kit from her mother. "They put some rather large brains..." her voice trailed off for a moment and she cleared her throat. "They put their best scientist on making the design robust and able to be maintained and repaired with commercially available supplies."

Joyce watched as her daughter used the tiny screwdriver from the eyeglass kit on the corner of Xander's right eye and poured Visine in.

"Xander's tear ducts are gone, so we have to use an artificial reservoir and refill it every three days," Dawn explained, handing Joyce the half empty bottle. "Release," Dawn ordered, taking hold of Xander's hat. There was a loud click and Dawn carried the hat over to the couch where it dented the cushions enough to show it wasn't made of felt.

Joyce watched as Xander sat there with his eyes closed and a smile on his face as Dawn ran her fingers through his hair and hummed while she explained his scalp. "What are you doing now?" Joyce asked curiously.

"Checking for damage and reinforcing his humanity," Dawn said. "One of the biggest changes is sense of touch and Xander's is a bit more limited now."

"You poor, dear," Joyce said sadly.

"Actually I have gotten lucky there," Xander said softly. "He had a lot of scar tissue and nerve damage from the accident and the procedures used to turn him into a cyborg, but since I was changed using magic, I don't have that problem. I don't feel quite as much as I used to, but I feel a lot more than he ever did."

"I'm happy to hear that, but my schedule remains the same, at least a quarter of an hour a day playing with your hair," Dawn said. "It's as much for me as you! You have a very dangerous job and I need to feel that you're OK and alive."

"Yes ma'am," he agreed with a grin.

"So, what all can you do?" Joyce asked curiously.

"Built in phone, extendable limbs, sensory suite, superhuman physical abilities," Xander rattled off.

"Uncle didn't use ten percent of his true capabilities," Dawn said.

"He had issues," Xander said. "Fortunately I don't share them."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"The only point of commonality is where you all bought your costumes," Giles said, "Ethan's. What can you tell me about the proprietor?"

"A British guy named Ethan," Buffy said with a shrug. "Why, you know him?"

"What are the odds of that happening?" Willow asked before saying, "Of course around here the odds are so skewed he probably blew him."

Buffy smacked herself in the forehead. "Bad mental image!"

"Not enough ale in all of Bristol," Giles muttered absently. "I need a large blunt object or maybe a hammer; I think it's time to drop in on an old friend."

"Or embarrass yourself threatening a stranger," Willow offered.

"He's probably involved anyway, so no problem there," Giles said finding a hammer behind the counter. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some answers."

"What if he is your friend?" Willow asked.

"That's what the claw side of the hammer is for," Giles said as he departed.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: I was torn between Robocop and Inspector Gadget...**

**AN: Go, gadget go!**


	63. Chapter 63

**Lay of the Land**

"Mom?" Buffy called out concerned. "What are you doing up?"

"Listen carefully, I'm not your mom, Boytoy got a hold of the body switching amulet and tricked me into switching places with her."

"Boytoy… Faith?!"

"Yeah," Faith agreed, her body language and manner of speaking jarringly out of place on Joyce's body.

"Why would he do that?" Buffy demanded.

"I don't know!" Faith exploded. "All I know is he said he had a way for me to make up for everything I did to you guys and then he splits with your mom and my body! Has he lost it?!"

"I-I don't know," Buffy admitted. "Him and Anya broke up because he refused to let Willow die when her ex showed back up and he was upset when Dawn… There have been some major events around here lately," Buffy said bluntly. "Mom just got out of the hospital after major surgery so you should lay down and try to take it easy until we get this all sorted out."

"But I feel fine," Faith said with a frown. "I mean sure I felt crappy at first, which is how X grabbed Joyce and split without me stoppin' 'em, but after some sleep and half the fridge I'm feeling fine now."

Buffy stared at her in shock.

"Are you still the slayer?" Buffy asked.

"Of course I am," Faith snorted. "What kind of question is that?"

"But you aren't in a slayer's body," she pointed out.

"Arm wrestle?" Faith offered.

Dawn entered the living room only to stare in shock as her mom was arm wrestling with Buffy and winning! "Mom?"

"Faith," she corrected. "X switched me and Joyce and did a runner."

"Why?" Dawn demanded.

"Don't know," Faith admitted.

"We need Giles," Buffy said.

"I hate research," Faith groaned.

"Actually if you want to know what Xander was thinking you'd be better off asking Willow," Dawn said.

"I hate her more than research," Faith said.

**The Magic Box**

"Xander tricked Faith into switching bodies with mom and then ran off with mom in Faith's body," Buffy told the gathered Scoobs who looked at the healthy and pissed looking Joyce in surprise.

"Shouldn't you be in bed then?" Giles asked Faith.

"I'm still the slayer," Faith said. "I got over whatever it was pretty damn quick."

"M-maybe that was what Xander was counting on," Tara suggested.

"He did say it was to make up for everything," Faith admitted.

"Ho-" Willow began when Faith snapped out, "Shut it, Red. I don't feel like putting up with your holier than thou crap. To quote my third grade teacher 'unless you have something constructive to say be silent'."

"Willow has just as much right to speak as anyone else and I'm sure what she was going to say was perfectly constructive," Buffy defended her.

"Really? OK, fine, let's hear the constructive comment that I'm sure wasn't a snide comment about what I've done being unforgivable," Faith said looking at Willow expectantly.

Willow blushed and looked away.

"Keep the bitch on a leash," Faith told Buffy. "I'm here because I trusted Xander, not because I felt like being insulted because she's jealous I fucked him and she didn't."

Willow paled and Tara looked curious, but Faith didn't say anymore.

"This would be a lot easier if Xander were here to question," Giles said.

"Has anyone tried calling his cell?" Anya asked.

"I need a cigarette," Faith said as everyone exchanged glances, wondering why they hadn't thought of that.

"No doing things in my Mom's body that she doesn't do," Buffy ordered.

"Who's got Xander's mobile number?" Giles asked.

"He changed carriers when I removed him from my cell plan," Anya said. "I don't have his new number."

Everyone checked their phones but they all had his old number.

"Well that was a bust," Dawn said, when the phone in Joyce's purse rang and Faith answered it.

"Yello," Faith said. "Where the hell are - yeah? OK, that makes sense. No, I'm fine. Healed that shit right up. I'm dying for a cig. Then you can't have anal sex. Fine, but use lube. I'll smoke lights. Yeah, later."

Everyone stared at Faith who was digging through Joyce's purse.

"Well?" Dawn demanded.

"Well, what?" Faith asked pulling out a twenty.

"What did they say?" Giles asked.

"Xander is keeping us switched for seventy two hours for some mystical reason, which is probably just a guess, and Joyce said I can smoke."

"Why did he switch you two?" Buffy asked.

"There was a prophecy of Joyce's death, so he decided to put a fix in," Faith explained. "I save Joyce and he forgives me for everything I ever did wrong."

"Anal sex and cigarettes?" Anya asked.

"She said I could smoke," Faith replied. "'Nuff said."

"Should I be traumatized?" Dawn asked Tara.

"Nah," Faith waved it off. "Save that for when they start bumpin' uglies and she's back in her own body."

"They what!" Buffy exclaimed.

Anya frowned. "Xander always liked Joyce and I can't see her turning him down once she's back in her own body."

"And why are they having sex?!" Buffy exploded.

"She isn't used to having slayer cravings," Faith replied with a shrug. "I'm not cruel enough to make her suffer through them when X is available to help her. Now where's the nearest store that sells cigs?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Why was she talking about anal sex?" Joyce asked Xander.

"The gang probably annoyed her, so she was probably convincing them we were off having sex."

Joyce giggled. "And she said we could have anal sex if we used lube?"

"In exchange for letting her smoke in your body," Xander agreed.

"Why are we hiding out from everyone?" Joyce asked.

"Because I've found I can get more done faster without them stopping me for some reason or another. OK, to be fair, sometimes they're right, but this one was a no brainer on how to heal you."

Joyce suddenly winced and rubbed her stomach. "Wish she hadn't been on her period."

Xander froze. "Say that again."

Joyce opened her mouth but the motel room door was kicked in and several vampires rushed in before she could answer. The fight was short and brutally one-sided. Xander had been armed for apocalypse and Joyce… Joyce's high kick snapped the vampire's neck, throwing him into his friend and before he could recover Joyce had moved in and drove her thumbs into both his eyes, blinding him. Seeing Xander had taken care of the vampire attacking him she casually reached out and snapped the neck of the blind vamp to silence his screaming.

"Whoa," Joyce said. "That was a rush!"

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "So you still have Faith's instincts?"

"It seems so," Joyce agreed, "but I don't need for what comes next, it's pretty obvious."

"Really?" Xander asked confused.

"Uh huh," Joyce agreed slinking forward and grabbing Xander. "Gimme some sugar, baby!"

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	64. Chapter 64

**Peace Through Superior Firepower**

Bobby Drake shook his head and explained, "I mean there should be mutants with powers that aren't useful in battle at all. We always find the guys who can shoot lasers or bench press a tank, but why don't we ever find mutants whose abilities are to make rocks edible or create... roller coasters?"

Nightcrawler blinked and scratched his fuzzy blue chin. "If a mutant could create roller coasters Disney would have hired him if not kidnapped him."

Kitty Pryde snorted, "And how do you know that this hypothetical mutant roller coaster creator is male? It could be a woman!"

Bobby looked over at her. "The mutant power to create roller coasters is linked to the Y chromosome. The same powers expressed in a female would be the power to make waterslides."

"That is the most sexist thing I've ever heard!" Kitty growled working herself up for a rant.

Professor X rolled up with two new mutants in tow. "What are we discussing?"

The power to create water slides and roller coasters," Nightcrawler replied.

"You mean like Susan Cormaline?" Professor X asked, completely derailing Kitty.

"Who?" Bobby asked curiously.

"Old friends of mine," Professor X explained. "She has the mutant ability to create water slides."

Kitty growled and stormed off.

Nightcrawler turned to the two mutants. "I am Nightcrawler, I can teleport. This is Iceman, he can create ice."

The new mutant on the left looked about fifteen and had red hair, pointed ears and golden feline eyes. "I'm Roger, no mutant name yet, I have the proportional strengths of a cat."

The new mutant on the left had green hair and blue eyes. "Shelia, no mutant name yet, I can absorb light and fire blasts of concussive force from my hands."

Roger had to ask what the two newcomers were wondering, "Why were you teasing her?"

"Because she goes on these crusades and makes us all thoroughly sick of them in short order before she finds something new to annoy us with," Bobby explained.

"I believe her latest rant had tipped the balance against her," Nightcrawler said.

"Oh? I'm afraid I didn't catch it, I was busy with important matters," Professor X noted.

"She started off by saying that calling us X-Men was sexist and we should be called X-People. Even a couple of the guys agreed with that, saying being called an X-Man made it sound like they were castrated," Nightcrawler told the two new mutants.

"Truthfully the original name is a bit sexist," Xavier agreed. "Female mutants were in short supply compared to males and since it was supposed to be an actual branch of the FBI I was trying to follow their policies. I always figured the first female FBI agents would come from the X-men branch and encourage change to the rest, but we never became official and so Jean Grey never got the recognition she deserved as the first female FBI agent."

"Yes, well Kitty then went off on a rant about how the term mutant actually applies to all males since we are a mutation on the female genome."

There was dead silence for about a minute as everyone just stood there stunned.

Nightcrawler nodded. "That was about everyone else's reaction too, and that was before she started going on about the double x gene."

Xavier rubbed his temples. "Even being a telepath doesn't help me understand some people. At any rate we haven't changed the name or logo because its on everything and I don't feel like paying a quarter of a million dollars to change it."

"Good reason," Shelia agreed. "Plus I think calling out X-person in battle sounds silly."

Everyone nodded.

"She'll find a new cause next semester. Last semester it was trying to make us all vegan. That didn't last long because Logan snapped after a week and almost cooked and ate her. She was really happy to be able to phase through objects when that happened. Fortunately Logan's rival Sabertooth had fed-exed him a care package filled with meat products so he calmed down and stopped stalking her." Bobby smiled.

Nightcrawler nodded. "Anyway before she came up we were discussing why we only get mutants with powers that are perfect for battle and nothing else really."

The two new mutants smirked as they glanced at each other.

"My fault, I'm afraid." Xavier offered in explanation. "Since we are combat oriented for the most part I don't spend a lot of time or effort on recruiting those whose powers aren't a threat to others. There's no real rush for them to master their abilities, so I hand them some booklets and send them on their way."

Bobby nodded. "I knew I had seen three new recruits! So the third guy or gal didn't have a combat oriented ability?"

Roger and Shelia looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"You could say that," Xavier admitted.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The rejected mutant grumbled to himself as he walked off with a backpack over his shoulder and a small handbook entitled: 'Your powers and you' by Professor X.

To say he was a bit miffed by his treatment was an understatement. He'd been told to go to Xavier's and he would help him. Seeing as how he looked like a five fingered and toe'd version of Nightcrawler without the fur, he'd needed a safe haven.

There were just too many hate groups after anyone who looked different and Adam Leopold Franklin certainly looked different.

He'd hoped he would turn out to have powers like Nightcrawler since they'd looked so much alike, but Xavier had managed to activate his powers and well, they were pretty unique.

Adam had used his powers once, finding it incredibly easy to do, and Xavier had slipped him five thousand in cash and patted him on the back while shoving him out the door.

'Well at least I don't have to worry about getting targeted by any hate groups for my power," Adam thought to himself shortly before something struck him in the back of the head and everything went black.

Adam woke up handcuffed to a rail in a warehouse of some kind.

"This mutant has come from the very pits of hell itself!" a man dressed in Levis and a T-shirt called out, stirring up the working class crowd into a frenzy. "Just look at him!"

Adam groaned. He knew he shouldn't have left LA. There were so many freaks in LA that not only didn't he stand out, he was considered a bit dull appearance-wise and that was among the normal humans!

"Who knows what deadly and destructive power he possesses?" the man played to the crowd.

Adam grinned as he tested the cuffs. They'd made them tight enough for a human, but not tight enough for a mutant with really flexible joints.

"So if I prove, my power is neither deadly nor destructive, you'll let me go?" Adam shouted slipping out of the cuffs, but making no move to run as he knew where that would lead. "After all if I'm not dangerous and just look weird then attacking me means you're just bigots who hate me for the color of my skin, right?" Adam shouted.

The crowd fell silent as the multiethnic group, united in hatred, glanced uneasily around them. The man on stage knew he'd lose the crowd if he didn't agree, but he truly believed mutants were dangerous creatures created by the devil and was more than willing to sacrifice himself if it would save others.

"Blast me with your power," the man offered, holding his arms out fearlessly, sure he was about to become a martyr for the cause.

Adam held up a hand and it began to glow. "One question first, boxers or briefs?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

A very old woman, who had seen far too much and ripped out her eyes, rang the bell on the X-mansion.

"He knew I was coming, but does he have the common courtesy to greet a guest? Of course not, he's far too busy trying to figure things out he could just ask me to explain."

Wolverine groaned when he saw Irene Adler.

She looked older than lint, but she always made him feel so damn old. Her mutant name was Destiny as she could see the future more clearly than most could see the present, but in his mind he always called her 'Pita' or pain in the ass.

"Come on gramps, time's a wastin' and while one of us here will see the next century, despite all the self-abuse, it won't be me."

"Yes, Miss Adler. You here to bug, Chuck?" Wolverine said trying to be polite.

"Yes, I'm going to tell him how his war-mongering has removed him from the peace process and guaranteed his dream will only come true without his influence."

Wolverine's stogie almost dropped out of his mouth, shocked by the idea of Charles as a warmonger and peace between mutants and humans actually happening. "You're joking."

"Nope, young Chuckie made a big mistake which has benefited the world greatly."

Before she could say more, an alarm went off notifying everyone that another mutant had just activated their power and been detected by Cerebro.

"Nice timing," Wolverine said suspiciously.

"My life is all about timing," Destiny pointed out. "Now let's go bug Chuck before he screws things up."

Wolverine escorted the old woman to where Charles Xavier was organizing a team.

"A mutant has just activated among a crowd of Human-First members and while I hope we get there in time, I'm afraid we must face the reality of the situation. He's likely to be seriously injured or possibly dead by the time we arrive," Professor X said gravely.

"Well how about letting the precog tell you what's going to happen?" Destiny suggested.

Charles blinked. "I forgot you were coming."

"Yes, I'm sure. You've been a bit... distracted this morning. Well let me tell you the crossroads we are at. If you send in a team, people will panic and deaths will occur, if you don't send a team..."

"A single death will occur." Charles sighed heavily. "So I am faced with choosing whether I follow what I preach or do I act like a hypocrite and prove I value mutant life above normal human ones."

"You are a melodramatic putz," Destiny said breaking the silence that had descended on the room. "And a rude one at that. Now as I was saying, if you do nothing then no one will die."

Cerebro went off notifying everyone of another mutant activation.

"That's quite a coincidence," one of the students said. shortly before it sounded again for the same place.

"No coincidence," Destiny began, only to be interrupted by Cerebro again.

Everyone waited but the alarm didn't go off again.

"As I was saying that mutant you turned away, Adam is using his ability to show a group of fearful people that not all mutant abilities are harmful or to be feared."

"What? Where would they get a crazy idea like that?" Wolverine replied.

"Well they only see mutants on the news, so all they see are the X-men and The Brotherhood! The majority of the hate group is composed of people who think mutants are nothing but combat monsters since, warmonger that he is, Charlie 'Chuckles' here only takes in combat type mutations," Irene summed up.

"What about the rest?" Cyclops spoke up.

"Small dicked men with Napoleon complexes," she said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"So, we're good?" Adam asked.

"Yeah, sorry about the whole 'Die spawn of Satan' thing," John said, embarrassed but glad he wore boxers.

"Ah, don't worry about it," Adam said. "I'm just glad we got it settled."

"Here yes, but there are other places that need to hear the truth and my 'sermons' helped stir up this mess, so I have to make it right. How do you feel about coming along to provide proof?"

"We'll need Earl," Adam replied. "I mean, sure my ability is great for convincing most men, but Earl awakens mutants who are handy to have around."

John nodded and waved to a chubby man who was talking to a pair of twin girls who followed him over.

"Sure, what do you need?" Earl asked.

"We were thinking of taking this show on the road and ending all the fear, anger, and hate," John told the three.

"Sounds like a great idea," Earl said. "I got two more just activated mutants who will probably be a godsend then."

"Hi, I'm Jenny, I can alter body fat percentages and increase women's breast size," a blonde in her mid-twenties said.

"And I'm Jill," her twin said. "I can fix skin problems, from blemishes and unwanted tattoos to scars and stretch marks."

John laughed. "The face of hate is ugly, but you have to love the irony of what we'll be doing to fix that."

"We need codenames," Earl said. "Even though I was an idiot and hated them, I always envied the X-Men's codenames."

John scratched his chin. "Well the X-Men are actually what the postal workers at the dead letter office are called an no offense, but Adam, your powers deliver what spam e-mails promise."

"The E-Males?" Earl snickered.

"Sounds kinda sexist," Jenny frowned.

Jill sighed, "Now you sound like that obsessed Kitty girl."

"How about just individual names for now then?" John suggested.

Adam nodded. "All mutants get a codename, their mutant name, when their powers activate. It's part of our culture."

"Really? What's yours?" Jill asked curiously.

Adam shrugged. "My power just activated a couple of hours ago and since it was harmless one I didn't have any names that would fit ready."

Jenny smiled. "Well since I affect fat content and breast size I'll go by... Baywatch."

"That works," Adam said as everyone stood there stunned. "It's either that or Silicone."

Jill grinned. "If we're using TV show names I'll go by Nip-Tuck."

Earl grinned. "I could go by Earl then, but that wouldn't be any fun. I detect and activate mutant abilities, I'll go by Beach Head."

Everyone just looked at him until Jenny blushed and smacked him in the arm.

"Sorry, got a bit distracted by other thoughts there," Earl said making everyone snicker. "I shall go by... Switch."

"That works," Adam agreed. "Any idea for my codename, preferably something that won't make people laugh?"

Earl shook his head. "Now all I can think of is names that would make people laugh and some really complex ones like calling you Bag-man, because of the first Austin Powers movie."

"That's pretty good," Adam snickered, getting the joke.

"Amen," Jill tried "like the end of a prayer because you've answered so many of them."

"And your name is Adam, so it fits that too," Jenny added.

"Amen it is," Adam agreed, happy for any name that didn't make reference to his mutant power. He'd been more afraid he'd end up with a name like 'Blue Balls'.

John asked hopefully, "Do I have to have a mutant ability to get a codename?"

"Nah, and it'll help you fit in with mutant society," Adam said.

"Then I choose Coney!" John said proudly.

At everyone's confused looks he grinned, "because thanks to Amen I now have a footlong!"

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: should be Corny not Coney...**

**AN: I believe I was drinking when I wrote this.**


	65. Chapter 65

**First Attempt**

Ranma awoke...

She took in the female sleepwear she was in and the feminine look to the room with a sigh.

For some reason she was always raised as a girl when she was found as a found as a baby with the curse.

Sure it was easier to keep her female than male, but didn't anyone care what it did to her sense of sexual identity?

Ok, as a baby she wouldn't be expected to have one, but still you'd think at least once out of all the times this had happened someone would have done something other than take the path of least resistance.

Ranma frowned as she examined her chest and found it to be lacking. She may not have been enthused about being female at times, but she'd been rather proud of her assets as one, plus it was always easier to get things with them.

Hell, she could cloud men's minds with them in ways that would make Lamont Cranston jealous.

Standing up and examining herself in the mirror she realized why she was so underdeveloped she was fourteen again.

'Beats the hell out of waking up as a three year old,' she thought cheerfully. The teen years could be a special hell for aqua transexuals, but at least they weren't boring and rarely involved diapers.

"Ranma, wake up!" a teenage boy yelled from the other side of her bedroom door. "It's time for breakfast!"

Ranma switched her clothes out and used a couple of cleaning cantrips before shifting back to male and summoning a couple of small work droids from his subspace pocket to fix his room up to his standards.

'Having even a single Death Star means never having to say, Who should we call to fix this?' Ranma thought with a grin. Sure being able to blow up planets was nice, especially when you had to deal with a version of the Sailor scouts who wouldn't let anything stand in the way of Crystal Tokyo, but really it was the repair and production capabilities that made it useful.

Humming the imperial march as cheerfully as he was able, Ranma followed his nose down to breakfast. "Decided on being male today, Honey?" the mother asked as Ranma took a seat and began filling his plate.

"Yep," Ranma agreed cheerfully.

"I still don't know whether it's creepy or cool that you can do that," the boy admitted.

Ranma held up a finger and concentrated for a Moment drawing everyone's attention as a pale mist formed around his finger, condensing itself until he held a single drop of glowing blue water that he flicked onto the boy's forehead.

The effect was startling. The boy's brown hair lightened into a sandy blond, closer to his mother's color, and his shirt tightened as he grew a couple of good sized additions that made Ranma sigh, as apparently his brother was an early bloomer unlike himself.

Everyone froze but Ranma, who took the opportunity to deplete the table's bacon supply.

"I didn't mean anything bad by it," the neo-girl said just short of breaking down in tears, between the shock of becoming a female and the surge of emotions and hormones.

"It's temporary," Ranma quickly assured her. "In twenty four hours you'll change back automatically. I thought you might like to see things the way I do for a day."

His newly turned sister immediately cheered up. "Really?"

"Yep. It won't be exactly like my situation since you won't switch back and forth involuntarily, but being female for the day should be an eye opener all the same."

"You've learned to control your power?" Dad asked with a blinding smile.

"Completely," Ranma confirmed, shifting from male to female and back again.

"I'm not sure how it'll help in battle, but I'm proud of you, son."

Ranma smirked and held up a finger like he had earlier minus the special effects, before letting the warmth fade from his eyes and growling out, "You will release the hostages unharmed or you'll be sitting down to pee for the rest of your days!"

"You win!" Dad cried out, "I'll release...I don't have any hostages."

Everyone snickered as he recovered.

"Ok, now that was an effective threat."

Ranma held up a finger and assumed a superior expression. "We want your boss, not you, tell me what I want to know and I'll limit the change to however long your sentence is as well as making sure you're sentenced to an all female facility."

Dad burst out laughing along with Ranma's 'sister'. While Mom was futilely fighting a grin, before joining them.

"That's awful," she finally said after she stopped giggling.

"Ranma shook his head. "No, awful is a number of other transformations I could use. They range from temporary and water triggered, to permanent, animals, myths and legends, and the most horrible ones are the ones that affect the mind of the person themselves."

Silence descended on the table as Ranma spoke, "For instance despite being female my brother is basically unchanged, but I could have just as easily changed him into a girl determined to be a bride or a pacifist, but truthfully I think it's more moral to kill someone than to alter their mind. I'd only consider using those either temporarily or if someone requested the change. Say for instance a villain had no choice but to be a violent maniac because of something that was done to him. If he requested it I could turn him into a pacifist with a clean conscious."

"That's my boy!" Dad beamed.

"So what name do you want to go by for today?" Ranma asked his sister, figuring he could get her name without admitting he had amnesia, as he'd rather not deal with that, since it was a temporary problem anyway. After all there was no sense in worrying anyone, it wasn't like his ego made it difficult to admit weakness, right? Right?

"I'll just stick with Will," she replied. "Anyone asks I'll say its short for Willow and I'm Will's cousin. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a shower and to change into a larger shirt."

Ranma chuckled when Will vanished back upstairs.

"What's so funny?" Mom asked.

"Will is about to take the longest shower of her life."

"Huh?" Dad replied, confused.

"She is going to be soaping up bits that she has no idea how they'll respond," Ranma explained.

"Ah!" Dad exclaimed suddenly getting it. "Are we allowed to laugh?" he asked, not sure if it would hurt Ranma's feelings, but finding it hard not to.

"Laughing in private is fine, but any kind of teasing is not," Ranma replied. "Unless you've gone through the same thing and can commiserate since it'll allow her to laugh at you as well."

"You've matured a lot since last night," Mom said approvingly.

Dad muttered, "Maturity, maturity... that's it! Your powers were fully activated once you matured past a certain point."

"Yep," Ranma said agreeably. "Changing genders with water at random times forces you to mature faster and once I was mature enough I was hit with my full powers."

"So you can change people into animals as well as male to female?" Mom asked.

Ranma nodded. "That doesn't include clothes though. It's strictly on the person themselves."

"Still, it sounds like a real useful power for a superhero to have," he said leadingly.

"Not as all around useful as martial arts, but it can come in handy," Ranma agreed, wondering what he was getting at.

Mom grinned so broadly her cheeks had to have hurt. "You think martial arts are useful? Would you like to practice with me?" she quickly asked not even pausing to let Ranma answer the first question.

"I'd love to," Ranma replied happy to have someone to spar with.

"Does this mean you've changed your mind about going to Sky High?" Dad asked doing very passable puppy dog eyes for a man his age.

"Sky High?" Ranma asked in obvious puzzlement before he could stop himself.

Ranma's adopted parents just stared at him for a Moment like he'd grown a second head and he knew the jig was up.

Ranma sighed and from long practice came up with an excuse that was at least partially true. "When my powers activated it gave me a huge whopping chunk of knowledge which has seriously screwed with my memory. Basically I've got amnesia for a week to a week and a half. I didn't want to worry anyone so I was just going to keep quiet until it went away."

"So you don't remember us at all?" Mom asked, eyes moist.

Ranma quickly cut off the impending tear fest. "I'll remember everything in a week, possibly sooner. Come on, I want to show you something."

The two adults followed their changeling child up to his room where he opened the door and they stared in shock at the changes.

Ranma's room had been a very feminine place with pastel pink and blue on the walls and a few stuffed animals here and there, as well as a poster of the latest boy band on the wall.

Now however the room was something straight out of science fiction. Indirect lighting bathed the room in a neutral glow, highlighting rather than reflecting a room done in black and chrome with technology far beyond Earth's. A 'window' that showed a sun circled by numerous 'Earths' as well as a number of Death Stars drew the eyes.

"I know Mom has given you 'the talk' about sex but we also have one about not being a supervillain," Dad said numbly.

Ranma snickered. "I'm not a super villain or an alien invader, I'm just the latest guardian of this place."

The two looked out into the hall of their house and then around the room again. Spotting a door on the back wall they both froze.

"Dear, what does that lead to?" Mom asked nervously.

"Either the closet or the bathroom," Ranma replied. "Open," he called out causing the door to slide into the wall and reveal a tropical island.

Dad just raised an eyebrow, beyond shock for the moment.

"It has a great little waterfall that makes the perfect shower, so I added some stuff and put a permanent portal to it, or rather one of the previous guardians did."

Ranma guided the two to a sofa opposite the 'window' and hit a couple of buttons, causing it to cycle through a series of cameras.

"That is Planet Wild Horse," Ranma said as the camera showed a world filled with Ranmas. "There was this huge practical joke involving massive amounts of cloning tech and Ranma went from one single magic cursed martial artist in a very high tech civilization to one of over a hundred thousand."

"Talk about being beside yourself," Dad said as he watched several Ranmas walking down the street chatting.

"Yeah the amount of chaos it caused was insane so Ranma decided to do something about it. Being powerful beyond belief he could have simply killed them, but he knew their existence was not their fault so instead he did something equally crazy, he swallowed their solar system into what we like to call 'stuff space' and most people call a Ki pocket."

"That's insane," Mom muttered.

"It wasn't Earth's solar system. See the civilization they were part of was a massive star traveling empire. Ranma simply found an attractive and uninhabited solar system called the Ranmas to it and removed it and them from the universe."

"How powerful was he?" Dad asked.

Ranma shrugged. "Just short of godhood, so his clones while nowhere near his class, having neither the experience nor the personal reserves to match him, were still much too powerful to allow them to run around the universe willy nilly."

"So he locked them up," Mom said disturbed.

"He had a responsibility to them and for them, so simply locking them up was out of the question. He restricted them to a single solar system and worked on re-educating them, since the person who pulled the prank had just been concerned with making them all sex maniacs."

"You're kidding," Dad said.

"Nope, remember it was started as a prank. Well in between raising the Ranmas, Ranma had a lot of adventures, including a couple where he had to swallow an earth or two to save them from destruction. In fact it kinda became a habit when dimensional traveling to remove certain things from the timeline just as a matter of course."

"Like what?" Mom asked.

"See those large metal moons out there?" Ranma asked, hitting a button so the window showed a view of the solar system again.

"Yeah, I was wondering what those were," Dad said.

"They're called Death Stars," Ranma replied.

His parents winced.

"Nothing good comes of anything with the name Death in it," Dad said firmly.

"Exactly," Ranma nodded. "They have a huge laser designed to blow up planets. Rather than allow people to use them for that purpose Ranma stuck them in here. If you need to scare an alien armada off of attacking your planet, nothing works better, but mainly they have large manufacturing plants on board and tons of storage space."

"And where do you come in?" Dad asked.

"The Ranmas weren't aging past their prime, in fact for the most part they turned out to be damn near immortal. They didn't complain about being stuffed in a Ki Pocket, because there was plenty of room and the company of people like themselves, but as the centuries passed things got a bit boring, so in between martial arts tournaments and orgies, one of the Ranmas made a request of the original for something new to do."

"Martial arts tournaments and orgies?" Mom asked wide eyed.

"Yep, martial arts is in the genes and while Ranma managed to get them to stop being obsessed with sex, it was still their second greatest pastime," Ranma explained.

Seeing his parents understood, Ranma continued, "So Ranma would send any new games or movies he ran across to one of the Death Stars and the droids on board would manufacture a multitude of copies to help keep the Ranmas busy. Boredom is the enemy of the immortal as we've had a handful of Ranmas end themselves because they were tired of life."

"Where do you come into this?"

"The original Ranma either died or retired to be with the Ranmas, but he knew a guardian would still be needed so he created a clone and imbued it with powers and abilities beyond the other Ranmas and sent it outside to grow up."

"And that was you?" Mom asked intently.

"Nah, that was over a dozen guardians ago. They all grew tired of the job at some point and made a replacement before either retiring or choosing to die. I'm just the latest one."

"So what's your orders?" Dad asked.

"No orders," Ranma snickered. "But I will be following what the others before me did, since it's my nature. Any book, game, or movie I find I send a copy to the Ranmas. Have fun, save people, make friends, you know generally live life and be a hero."

The two parents smiled at that.

"Remember, mums the word about all this. Normally I wouldn't say anything but even though I can't remember you yet, I know you can keep a secret somehow."

The two smiled proudly at their child.

"Well I guess we'll just have to remove our masks as well," Dad said. "I'm Steve Stronghold one of Maxville's top realtors and in my spare time..." He removed his glasses and unbuttoned his shirt enough to show he had a red, white, and blue costume under it. "I'm The Commander."

Mom grinned. "I'm Josie Stronghold one of Maxville's top realtors and in my spare time..." She took off her glasses and floated off the couch. "I'm Jet Stream."

"Starscream?" came a deep voice from the window.

"Jetstream," Ranma corrected. "This isn't a transformer's universe, Bob."

"Understood," the voice replied before falling silent.

"What was that?" Steve asked.

"That was Bob, he's a sentient Death Star, the only one in fact. I promised or rather The First promised, that as soon as we reached a universe like his I'd let him out to fight Unicron, the planet eater. Running across those universe's is rare, so he sleeps most of the time and monitors the pocket for problems."

"Any problems?" Steve asked.

"No major problems, but the population of Ranmas has doubled," Bob's voice boomed from the 'window'.

"How did that happen?" Ranma asked confused.

"Approximately fourteen years ago, the female Ranmas started getting pregnant. After each had a child they swore next time they'd make the other ones go through it. The end result has been that each Ranma bore one child, doubling the population. The prevailing theory is that this universe is of a more stable time configuration allowing for pregnancy and birth by Ranmas," Bob provided efficiently.

"Son, your people are a strange people," Steve said seriously.

Ranma nodded. "And part of the reason they are kept isolated from the rest of the universes other than just being too powerful for most races to deal with."

"Wait, wouldn't children of clones from the same person have genetic problems?" Josie asked.

"Negative. Ranma DNA contains no genetic flaws or undesirable recessive pairs," Bob answered.

"The lunatics who decided that releasing 100 thousand sex-crazed Ranmas on the universe was a good thing, were thorough enough to insure the clones' DNA suffered no degradation through the cloning process and was reproducible with itself," Ranma replied. "It's only the fact that we've been at places in the timeline where time itself was unstable that prevented pregnancy among the Ranmas and we always left before the timeline straightened itself out."

"When we found you as a baby, there was an adult male and female version of you lying dead in the crater, we always thought they were your siblings," Josie said.

Bob spoke up, "Ranma 1629L and Ranma 1629R tired of existence after thirty four hundred years. They volunteered to take the cloned guardian to a safe place to be raised among its people before offing themselves for the next great adventure."

"Wow, I can see why they decided enough was enough," Steve said thoughtfully. "Even if you remained in perfect health the years would wear you down."

Ranma nodded. "Life is only supposed to last a set amount of time but we Ranmas never do anything small."

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: My first attempt at crossing the Looping Ranma with Sky High. Then I lost it and started a whole new one.**


	66. Chapter 66

**Love and Marriage - Second attempt**

Ranma awoke to someone banging on her bedroom door yelling about breakfast. It was an improvement over a bucket of water or a murder attempt, so all in all she was pretty cheerful.

"I'm up!" Ranma yelled, causing the person on the other side of the door to go away.

She was in the middle of her early morning stretch when the memories hit her.

She'd been found in a crater, covered by the bodies of two dead Ranmas, one male and one female, by Jetstream (Josie Stronghold) and The Commander (Steve Stronghold), who'd adopted her to raise alongside their son, Will.

Being the son of two of the greatest heroes in the world (and Maxville's best realtors) wasn't a bad gig really. Her mother was an expert martial artist and loved training with her daughter or son and Dad was always up for some sparring as well.

Ranma had also finally gotten an answer as to why he was always raised as a girl if he had the curse and was found as a baby. They'd assumed that with the number of times little Ranma had found cold water that she wanted to be female. By the time the water attracting portion of the curse was discovered they'd already been raising her as a girl for several years and it was easier to keep her female than male.

'At least they're accepting of my curse,' Ranma thought to herself before shifting to male form with a surge of hot Ki and using some cleaning cantrips to freshen up, before pulling a set of his favorite black and red outfit from his Ki pocket.

Bouncing down the stairs, Ranma flipped over the table and landed in his chair, much to the family's surprise.

"Nice acrobatics," Will said wistfully. He'd trained with mom off and on, but simply didn't have the drive Ranma had.

"Those clothes look exactly like what your birth parents were wearing when we found you," Steve said with a curious tone.

Ranma nodded and swallowed the mouthful of eggs he was eating, having loaded up a plate with his usual gusto and speed. "My powers kicked in."

"I thought your powers were being fireproof and changing sex," Will replied. "And I still haven't figured out if that's more creepy than cool."

Ranma held up a finger and a glowing mist slowly formed around it coalescing into a single glowing drop of blue water that he flicked onto Will's forehead.

Will froze as his body changed in ways that Ranma knew all too well.

"You'll change back automatically in 24 hours," Ranma quickly supplied, before Will could panic, as he eyed Will's bust with a bit of envy. Apparently Will was an early bloomer and took after their mom.

"Your power is the ability to change people's sex?" Steve asked.

"No, that's just a trick we learned while dealing with Jusenkyo," Ranma said. "My power is genetic memory and I come from a long line of martial artists who have picked up a trick or two."

"So you know what happened to your parents and why they had matching DNA?" Josie asked quickly, having always wondered where Ranma came from.

"Is anyone concerned that I'm female?" Will asked, still a bit shocked at his sudden transformation.

"Your brother said it would only last for a day and if you let a little thing like changing sex put you off your game you might want to avoid some of the stranger villains in Cleveland. Why I remember this one time I got turned into a llama-" Steve began.

Josie rolled her eyes before interrupting, "Weren't you and Layla going to the movies?"

Will froze wide eyed about the thought of going out in public as he recalled the number of times, sometimes with his help, Ranma had switched at awkward moments.

"Relax I didn't include the water trigger, just a timed one," Ranma said. "You always wondered what it was like, so enjoy."

Will relaxed a little. "Thanks and next time could you ask beforehand?"

Ranma grinned evilly. "I promise to not change you involuntarily any more than you've changed me."

Will groaned and trudged off for his shower and change before Layla got there.

"How often did Will splash you?" Josie asked.

"It averages out to about four times a week for the last decade," Ranma said dryly.

Steve winced. "Try not to be too hard on your brother, although I have to agree he's due some revenge."

Ranma waved it off. "He's a lot more mature now, but he did use it to ruin my chances with a girl Zack liked."

Josie winces as Steve said, "That doesn't sound like Will."

"It could have been an accident, but he knew better than to have a cold drink with no lid on around me when I was waiting for a date."

The bell rang and Josie answered the door returning a second later with Layla.

Ranma flicked a droplet onto her forehead changing her into a him and said, "Three-hundred and ninety-one."

The red haired man in a too tight green shirt and panties groaned, having put two and two together, figuring out that Ranma had developed an ability based on changing sex.

Ranma chuckled. "Let's get you into more suitable clothes. I know how painful it can be to be changed into a guy while wearing panties, if you'll recall."

"Did anyone not splash you with water?" Steve asked not having known it was that bad.

"Dad, even you have splashed me on occasion with water balloons."

Steve scratched his chin. "Yeah, but that was cause I thought it would be fun to have a water balloon fight, not because I wanted to change your sex."

"I know, I'm just pointing out that the curse makes people want to splash me. I'm not sure whether that's a magical compulsion or just the fact that it's cool to watch," Ranma said while helping Layla walk to his room.

"I can't believe you did that," Layla groaned.

"Take it like a man," Ranma teased. "I had to."

"You're not a guy," Layla said, never having felt comfortable with Ranma as a male.

"Actually, I am," Ranma corrected her as he helped her into his room. "I just happen to be a girl at times too."

"Just help get me out of these panties," Layla groaned.

"I've been waiting all year to hear you say that," he teased.

"Ok, now I believe you're a guy."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

It only took ten minutes to set Layla to rights, well in terms of clothing anyway.

"Shouldn't Will be down by now?" Layla asked.

"I changed him into a girl and he's taking his first shower as one," Ranma explained.

"Oooohhh!" Layla said blushing.

Josie quickly changed the subject, "So how did you end up in the crater and what's with the matching DNA?"

"Well there once was a godlike being called Ranma who, with a bunch of other godlike beings, refused to ascend to a higher state of being because of the effect it would have on his world. At some point things would straighten themselves out and they'd be able to ascend without harming anyone, but in the mean time they simply had to wait. Boredom set in and one of them decided to play a joke on Ranma. Of course considering the power levels of those involved you'll understand that it was on a scale that we would find quite insane."

"How crazy can a prank get?" Steve asked, causing Ranma to snicker. "They made a hundred thousand clones of Ranma, half male and half female and programmed them to be sex maniacs."

"Wow, that is insane," Steve said numbly.

"Yep, well even if they weren't as powerful as Ranma they all had the potential to be, so he couldn't leave them to wreak havoc on the universe and he felt responsible for them so he summoned them to a solar system that was empty of sentient life but had several earth-like planets," Ranma paused and took a sip of juice.

"What did he do?" Layla asked impatiently.

"He swallowed the solar system," Ranma said bluntly. "He put it in a Ki pocket, creating a universe for them and entered it spending a century deprogramming them. The Ranmas liked their private cosmos and convinced Ranma to give them all Jusenkyo curses, like mine."

Layla interrupted, "Why would they do that?"

"Several reasons," Ranma replied. "It made equality of the sexes a reality, helped everyone understand one another , and made the daily orgies more fun. I'll leave you to guess which was their main reason."

"Daily orgies?!" the three called out in shock.

"There were one hundred thousand of them and one of him, how far do you think he got deprogramming them in a measly hundred years? All he really did was get them all to agree that no means no unless agreed that it doesn't beforehand and get them as crazy about martial arts as he is."

"And how did you get here from there?" Josie asked.

"Well as Ranma-the-refusing-to-ascend traveled through various realities he picked up the odd planet or two which keeps most of the Ranma's entertained, however, a few have gotten tired of life and want to see what comes after."

"Is life that dull in there?" Josie asked sadly.

"I don't think so, but after a few millennia some do get bored."

"Millennia?!" the three exclaimed.

"How long do they live?" Steve demanded.

"As long as they feel like. Ranmas only get more powerful with age. A child of a hundred or so could probably conquer the world without too much trouble, but fortunately, Ranmas follow the marital and martial arts codes."

"What are the codes?" Layla asked.

"In a nutshell? Protect the weak and molest the willing," Ranma replied cheerfully.

"Umm," Layla began not sure how to ask about Ranma's devotion to those two goals, considering her relationship with Ranma and insistence that she be her best girlfriend.

"Relax, Hippy," Ranma said teasingly. "I only follow the martial arts code. I didn't get programmed to be sex crazed like the first gens and didn't grow up there, thinking it was normal."

"Back to the story," Steve suggested.

"Ok, well two of the Ranmas decided they wanted their child to grow up and experience something new, since they were bored to death with their lives. So the two ripped open a portal to hyperspace and searched for a reality that would allow their child to grow and enjoy life as they no longer did. They found Earth, this one, and decided that Jetstream and the Commander looked like they would be the perfect parents to raise a Ranma, so they strolled through the void between realities and summoned Mom and Dad with a Ki beacon, before allowing themselves to pass on."

"Hell of an origin story," Steve said.

Ranma nodded. "They implanted me with their genetic memories so I would know my past and our history, not to mention popping home to visit the Ranmas if I wished."

"So no subliminal programming as a sleeper agent to take over the world," Layla asked. "What a rip. Now I owe Zack five bucks."

"You bet I was supposed to take over the world?" Ranma asked.

"It was the latest theory," Layla defended himself. "And you said you could do it in about a century."

Ranma laughed. "Actually I said a century old Ranma could take over the world without too much trouble. If one was willing to put a lot of effort into it they could accomplish it a lot earlier."

"So, what? You could take over the world by the time you hit fifty?"

Ranma snickered. "I have the memory of Ranmas a lot older than a century. I could take over the world now, but you couldn't pay me enough to do it."

"Why not?" Layla asked as though she wanted Ranma to take over the world.

"Who in their right mind wants the headache and responsibility of running the world?!" Ranma exclaimed waving his arms. "Running a world is a hassle I don't need. Hell, even running a small country involves massive amounts of paperwork. I'm allergic to responsibility as you'll recall when you tried to get me to run for class president."

"Being a Hero is a lot of responsibility," Steve pointed out.

"Which is why I'm planning on being a sidekick. Same amount of action and less responsibility," Ranma said firmly.

"But you could do so much good as a Hero honey," Josie said.

"I can make my Hero just as effective without being in the spotlight," Ranma retorted as Will appeared.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: Second attempt and then I lost this one too!**


	67. Chapter 67

**Super To See You — Attempt 3**

Ranma stretched and yawned. Someone had been yelling at him in English to wake up from outside his bedroom door.

Fragments of memory were coming back to him. He'd been found as a baby in the center of a crater after a large explosion in the desert.

Testing had confirmed he was human, but the nurses had discovered his changing gender while bathing him so it was decided to foster him to a super family, as they were more equipped to deal with the unusual.

The Strongholds had just had a son a few months before and when they'd heard the government wanted a super family to adopt a child who could turn out to be super himself, they leapt at it.

Both had been the only child in their families and they wanted their children to get the chance to have a sibling, but, their continually on-call status meant that just taking the time off to have Will caused a thirty percent increase in the crime rate.

Yes as far as they were concerned Ranma was a godsend.

With his memories returning he knew how he'd gotten here. It had been a Sailor Moon fused universe and he'd tried to save Hotaru from being forced to relive childhood again just to see if he could.

He'd ended up blown into a foreign universe by the destruction of the creature-alien-god at the school, but he was pretty sure he had succeeded and Hotaru hadn't been reduced to a baby, even if he had been.

Rather than suffer through childhood and potty training for a 2nd time he'd locked away his memories. It was just easier that way and now that summer was beginning and high school was approaching his lock on his memories was released.

He had a pretty good life with none of the chaos that generally followed him. Truthfully he missed it a little. Maybe high school would provide a bit more excitement. Sky High certainly sounded like fun.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Morning everyone!" Ranma said cheerfully, dressed in his comfortable silk tongs.

"Morning, dear," Josie said smiling at her son. "Nice outfit."

"Thanks," Ranma replied. "It's stylish, comfortable, and fits either sex I happen to be at the moment."

"Any luck controlling that this year?" Steve asked hopefully, knowing that the uncontrolled changing of genders made things more difficult for his son/daughter than they needed to be.

"Yep, my powers kicked in, I have complete control now."

"That's great!" Steve burst out, quickly followed by Josie and Will's agreement.

"So fireproof and can change sex at will?" Will said. "I'd go with something like phoenix for a name."

Ranma chuckled. "I also have a good deal of martial arts skill but I'm a bit out of shape."

Josie's eyes lit up. "So would you like to practice with me?"

"I'd love to," Ranma said shifting to his female form.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Summer had passed all too quickly as far as Ranma was concerned. Sure he'd managed to get back into acceptable shape, but he'd been a bit rushed and had to reveal more of his abilities than he'd planned on and Will was feeling a bit jealous since his powers had yet to make an appearance.

Ranma leapt up on the roof just in time to see Layla hand Will an apple. "Holy shades of paradise, Batman! Seeing the two give him blank looks he sighed. "Adam and Eve? Bible? Girl handing guy forbidden fruits?"

"I was trying for a lemon," Layla said. "But I can't seem to get lemons right."

"If you ate more lemons that wouldn't be a problem. It's easiest to create fruit you are familiar with, which is why you can get oranges and apples easy, but lemons are beyond you."

"You'll have to excuse my brother, since his powers kicked in he thinks he knows everything there is to know about having powers," Will said a bit bitterly.

Ranma narrowed his eyes. He could understand Will being a bit upset because he hadn't gotten his powers yet and Ranma had, but that didn't give him the right to take it out on Ranma.

Layla winced and tried to think of something to say to defuse the situation, but before she could say anything...

Ranma held out a hand and a branch from a nearby tree reached out for him, sprouting a lemon as it did so and dropping it in his hand.

He handed it to Layla and hopped off the roof without a backward glance.

Will groaned and buried his face in his hands. "And I keep acting like a jerk to him."

"How many powers does he have?" Layla asked shocked.

"He's always been fireproof and able to switch sex, but now he's better than mom at hand to hand, definitely stronger and faster than normal, and I've seen him cling to walls like a fly."

Layla peeled the lemon while Will talked.

"He once muttered something under his breath about turning me into a jackass if I kept acting like one, but I'm not sure if that was just wishful thinking or not, especially now. What are you doing?"

Layla made a face. "Eating a lemon. I'm going to see if he's right."

Will sighed. "He probably is. Since he got his powers... sometimes it's like he's older than mom and dad. I miss my brother even when he's here, but I can't be in the same room with him without turning into a jerk."

Layla made a noise like she was trying to talk, but it came out garbled. Will looked up and started to laugh as apparently she'd stuffed the entire lemon in her mouth to try and finish it as quickly as possible.

"Let's see if it worked," Layla said and held out her hand just as a nearby branch dropped a lemon into it.

"Notice my lack of shock," Will deadpanned.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma looked in the mirror again and sighed, she may have preferred to spend most of her time as a male, but she missed having breasts. Sure it was just because of her pride in her female-side's good looks, but it was still annoying to be nearly as flat chested female as male.

Grabbing her backpack Ranma hopped down the stairs and breezed through the kitchen managing to snag a full breakfast on her way through and kissing her parents goodbye.

Will looked over at his sister who was scarfing down some sort of breakfast sandwich with one hand and holding a glass of juice in the other. "Why are you attending as a girl? I thought you were a guy now. and isn't mom going to get mad at you for taking glasses from the house?"

Ranma tossed back the juice and the glass vanished. Sure showing a variety of powers wasn't really helping things, but Ranma was still annoyed at him. "What glass? I'm registered as female and I'm never going to be all one or the other with the way I am."

Will nodded and sensing his sister's mood decided to keep quiet rather than risk opening his mouth and sticking his foot in it again.

Layla added another power to the list of things Ranma could do and briefly wondered if it was going to feel strange showering with him...erm, her.

The bus pulled up and Ranma could tell it was the right one, unless there was another school bus filled with empowered teens on this route. Ranma hopped on board and found a seat next to a bespectacled black kid who was probably written off as a geek throughout high school, but had a surprisingly deep well of power.

"Hi, I'm Ethan," he introduced himself extending a hand.

"Nice to meet you, Ethan. I'm Ranma. If it's not being too nosy, what's your power?"

"I melt," he admitted reluctantly with a blush, unused to pretty girls taking an interest in him and not exactly proud of his powers.

"I'm going to need more detail than that. The possible powers from those two words number at least half a dozen."

"Sorry," Ethan apologized. "I turn into a puddle of liquid Ethan."

"Including whatever you're holding or wearing?" Ranma asked.

"Yeah." the boy said dejectedly not looking up at her as his face felt like it was on fire.

"How big a puddle?"

"Not very," Ethan sighed.

"Is your smaller liquid state very dense?" Ranma asked curiously.

"Not noticeably," Ethan replied nervously, wondering where she was going with this line of questioning.

"So basically you can add and subtract mass as well as size, because at your volume you should be a really big puddle or an extremely dense one."

"I guess so," Ethan replied, feeling a bit better about his power.

"I'm assuming you reform everything when you reform yourself, so have you ever had anything you thought was damaged, but when you reformed it was fine?"

"Yeah, for instance, I discovered my powers when I got hit in the face with a soccer ball. I heard my glasses crack and suddenly I was a puddle, but they were fine when I reformed."

Ranma nodded. "So you can manipulate matter in its melted state.."

"I never even noticed half of all this and it's my power," he said in wonder. "What's your power?"

Ranma grinned. "A little bit of this and that. Strong and fast with an instinctive grasp of martial arts as well as fireproof and able to switch gender at will."

"Wow! You're hero material for sure!" Ethan enthused.

"Nah, I'm only going to admit to fireproof, and changin' sex. Being a hero is mostly ego, I'm more interested in the programs available for sidekicks."

"I never thought of it like that," he replied thoughtfully.

"I'm thinking of forming a group after graduation, which means I'll need competent well trained people, not glory hogs. See, my parents barely had the time to have my brother and adopted me because they didn't have enough time to have any more kids, unless they wanted the villains to take over while mom was on maternity leave. So I figure with a group of people working together we'll be able to cover an area more efficiently." Ranma was making it up as she went along, but the idea was sounding better the more she thought about it.

"So are you trying to recruit me?" Ethan asked hopefully, not having a lot of friends and seeing this as a way to get some.

"Not yet. I won't be recruiting for a while, but for that to work I'm going to need a decent size group of well-trained people to recruit from, so really I'm scouting for potentials and you hit the radar as having great potential, plus the seat was open, so I figure I'd scout you while introducing myself."

"I hit the radar?"

Ranma grinned. "I can sense power levels and despite what you think, you have a good amount. With proper training to learn to manipulate it, your power should be a hell of an asset."

"And if I can't do anything but switch it on or off?"

"Then it'll just be a minor tool for you. Your powers aren't all that you are, they are the smallest bits of you. With the right tools and training I can turn anyone into a hero."

"Huh," Ethan blinked. "I never thought I would be a hero without my power."

"The most important thing you can have is the will to succeed and the right attitude, anything else is a bonus."

Ethan smiled and relaxed, just before automatic restraint harnesses snaked out of the seat and strapped everyone down and the bus drove off an uncompleted overpass.

Ranma's laughter as they fell shocked Ethan out of screaming like everyone else on the bus and he began to laugh with her as the jets kicked in sending the bus hurtling through the sky.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma chuckled to herself as the bus driver gave Will his card and generally acted a bit like a fanboy.

"Ron Wilson, bus driver for sky high. Both his parents were pretty big names in the business, but he never got his powers, at least, he hasn't got noticeable ones yet," Ranma explained.

"Yet?" Ethan asked curiously.

"His aura's pretty strong meaning he has some power, but unless I spent a week examining him I couldn't tell you what it was doing or how to get it to activate or whatever."

"So you could give him powers?" Ethan asked.

"I'm not talking about empowering someone," Ranma explained. "I'm talking about bringing latent power forward, but there is always a chance they won't like the results. For example, you know The Mad Wrangler?"

"Draws power from the amount of cattle he has around him, militant vegetarian terrorist?" Ethan asked.

"Yep. His powers connected him to the nearest source of cattle when they activated and unfortunately that was a slaughter house at the time. Before he got his powers he was a short order cook and normal as you please."

"I never heard that," Ethan said.

"I did a thorough study of all information available over the summer, including a lot that were locked away in secure systems, as preparations for joining this world," Ranma said, waving a hand at the massive school and it's grounds, floating above the clouds.

"How'd you get access?" Ethan said curiously, being enough of a geek that he'd love to be able to read through the data she described.

"I had an A.I. friend of mine go digging for it, I'll see about grabbing an extra datapad for you to read through it later."

"Thanks," Ethan began, just before a tornado of wind formed around them forcing all the freshman together.

Ranma caught sight of the chubby teen herding them together, but before she could do anything Ethan, wanting to impress Ranma, melted right into the speedster's path sending him skidding out of control and into the fountain.

Ethan reformed just a second before an angry, soaking wet speedster attempted to hit him.

Attempted because Ranma caught his fist easily despite his speed, and pulled it down so they looked more like they were shaking hands. "Man good thing you startled The Melter into activating his power, because mine almost went off and getting hit with it would suck!"

Speed was shocked at how easily this freshman girl was handling him, but her words penetrated quickly. "What's your power?"

"I'm Ranma Stronghold and I change people's gender."

Ranma shifted to male and back to female in front of the startled teens. "Changing my own back and forth is easy, I've had practice, but with other people it sometimes takes me months to change them back, if at all."

Speed was so pale he could have been mistaken for an albino or a ghost or something. "Thanks, man," he said sincerely to Ethan. "I was just showing off a bit, but now I'm going to go change." And he was gone.

"You still activate your powers on accident?" one of the freshman asked.

Ranma chuckled. "Nope, but we don't have to let speedy know that, do we?"

Ethan got some pats on the back for his quick action.

"I don't remember you ever changing someone's sex before," Layla said.

"You expect me to tell the truth to a bully?" Ranma asked, to a lot of laughter.

A voice from the front of the group called for attention. "Hello everybody, I'm Gwen, a senior and I'm here to show you around."

"Thanks for covering for me back there," Ethan said as they followed the crowd.

"Nah, you did good. Fast response and the best use of your power at the time. I'd fake having it happen a few times where he can see you just to back it up though. I've always favored faking a sneeze making it go off. It's like performance art."

"I'll do that," Ethan said thoughtfully as they filed in and a man with a voice like thunder introduced himself.

"I'm coach Boomer, you may remember me as Sonic Boom. I'm here to test you for power placement, where I'll decide whether you are a hero or a sidekick," he almost sneered the last word.

As the testing went on it became rather obvious that he was only interested in impressive looking abilities and that he liked dropping cars on people a little too much for comfort.

"Hero support, right?" Ethan asked.

"That's what we're shooting for," Ranma assured him.

"Good cause that's all my powers are good for at the moment."

"Meh, if you like we'll grab hero status senior year."

Ethan quickly climbed up on stage and as expected was labeled a sidekick, retaking his seat with some satisfaction.

Zack's demonstration of glowing in the dark brought a groan from the two, who really felt for the poor guy.

"Don't suppose you can do anything with his power?" Ethan asked.

"Almost no power unfortunately. If he turns out to be a decent guy I'll see if he can handle power without becoming a jerk, but his current power isn't really important."

"You can give him power?"

"Sure, I know dozens of ways to turn people into heroes, but I want to make sure he won't become a villain with it first."

"Ranma Stronghold?" the coach said with a grin. "I worked with your parents, come on and show me what you got!"

Ranma walked up to the coach who gave her a funny look.

"Adopted," she explained as he made an 'oh' of surprise and nodded.

"I'm fireproof and I can change people's genders. The second is still a work in progress. Changing them is easy, but changing them back is a bitch."

The coach snorted. "You've got to be kidding me," figuring she was simply making up powers.

"Nope, those are my powers."

"Well we aren't allowed to set students on fire, so I guess you'll have to use your second ability," he said sarcastically.

Ranma shrugged and flicked a finger at the coach, changing him to her.

"What the?!" Boomer shrieked causing most of the students to clasp their hands over their ears.

"Easy Coach. Female vocal chords are different than male ones. Rather than having a voice that slams people around you have one that can shatter concrete. More edged," Ranma explained.

"Change me back," Boomer demanded — read whined.

"I told you it's not that easy. Fortunately for you I was focusing on making it reversible, so by the end of the day I should be able to change you back, if not I'll be able to do it easy by morning."

"Quite an interesting couple of powers," Boomer said trying to think of a way she could send the girl to the sidekicks without having to worry about sitting down to pee for the rest of her life.

"More sidekick territory than hero," Ranma said bluntly giving him the out he was looking for. "If I get perfect control that may change, but for now I'd suggest sidekick."

"Good call," Boomer said relieved and waved her down to the sidekicks.

"Will..." The bell rang interrupting her. "That's lunch people we'll pick it up with Will after lunch."

Layla poked Ranma in the side to get her attention. "I thought for sure you said you couldn't change people's sex and you only mentioned a couple of your powers to the coach."

"I didn't say I couldn't, I just gave the impression I couldn't. What I actually said was never tell the truth to bullies, I hadn't planned on showing I could, but Boomer quite literally asked for it," Ranma explained.

"And the additional unmentioned powers?"

"I feel like being a sidekick this year. I hear they get much better training," Ranma said exchanging grins with Ethan.

"Easy for you to say," Will groaned. "He's going to kill me for being related to you."

Ranma rolled his eyes and flicked his hand through over a dozen ninja hand signs in a blur of movement before slamming a glowing palm into the center of Will's chest.

Will's breath rushed out for a second as he hit the wall.

When he caught his breath he immediately pulled out the front of his pants and boxers to make sure he still had his original equipment.

Will was so relieved he didn't even notice the wide eyed and extremely red faced Layla who'd take the chance for her own peak.

"What was that for?"

Ranma handed will a sphere about the size of a softball. "Squeeze it."

Will squeezed it and figured it must be some kind of silly putty until it heated up and he dropped it to the ground where it made a harsh clanging noise.

Ranma picked it up. "If you deform metal quickly it heats up."

"You activated my powers?" Will asked, wide eyed.

"Normally it's better to let your powers activate at their own pace and I wouldn't interfere, but Boomer is going to drop a car on you after lunch," Ranma said. "I'm afraid you are going to have to skip lunch and do some quick adapting so you don't hurt anyone."

"Sure," Will said instantly.

"Layla he'll need your help," Ranma added.

"Not a problem. I'd love to help," Layla offered.

"Good, Now I could explain how the exercise works, but frankly that would take hours. If you really want me to explain I'll do it after school, for now I just need you two to practice," Ranma explained. "Pick a place where you two won't be noticed and grow some bushes around for privacy. Will you hug Layla very carefully, as if she was made of glass with her letting you know when you get the pressure right. She also has to squeeze you back in turn. If you two do this in a confined area about the size of a closet so your auras continually overlap each other he should be mostly in control of his strength by the end of lunch. Now shoo, times a wastin'."

Layla drug off a barely protesting Will.

"That will teach him to control his strength?" Ethan asked.

"Yep, it's about the fastest way. The fact that it'll also clue him into the fact that Layla is a girl and crazy about him is a bonus," Ranma grinned.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: This attempt seems much better.**

**AN: Third times a charm. I think this one came out much better.**


	68. Chapter 68

**A Test Run**

Inspector George Anthony Gadget was a man barely alive, in fact he was technically dead.

The scientists stared at the floating brain in the jar filled with a bubbling fluid, kept hyper-oxygenated to stave off brain death.

"Are you sure this will work?" one of the watching brass asked.

"Nothing is certain, General," the scientist responded, "but to move forward with the project we need data and to get data we need to experiment."

"And the best way to do that is by making things appear as aboveboard as possible," the scientist's twin replied adjusting her glasses.

"All the previous attempts to find answers failed, because they felt that the need for secrecy was more important than the need to advance the project."

"What we plan on doing is to make secrecy obsolete. We will tell the truth, but in such a way that everyone will assume it was a lie or a joke."

"While at the same time dismiss the entire project as interesting by not all that important."

"How?" one of the suits asked intently.

"Simple. Here we have the living brain of one George-Anthony Gadget. You may not recognize the name, but you probably use a half-dozen of his inventions each day to make your lives easier."

Her twin took over, "He invented thousands of things in his lifetime, most of which either were unnecessary or too niche market to sell well. He was quite brilliant..."

"But a bit of a kook. He claimed things that were ridiculous like that he got the idea for his ghost repelling car paint from an Atlantean tablet he found at a yard sale."

"It was later discovered that the paint did indeed repel non-corporeal entities, but since most 'ghosts' reside indoors its rather a moot point."

"He developed the paint at the request of one Egon Spengler. Yes, that Spengler, who proved that the supernatural was in fact real and that the right application of technology can contain it."

"I understand the government is currently trying to contain that information and discredit him."

The twins looked toward the audience and watched as a couple of the suits shifted nervously.

"At any rate we can simply tell him his new body is a construct of Roswell Greys we are experimenting on and used to save his life. We can even tell everyone we meet that, but by being connected to Gadget it'll be laughed off as a joke or just another bit of insanity from the man who claimed he shot a nature documentary on a pack of Bigfoot, but that Walmart overexposed the film."

"Perfect secrecy isn't when something isn't known, it's when something isn't believed."

"Of course the added bonus is that we get Gadget's brilliant but screwy intellect to work on the project as well."

"And combat tests done under life threatening conditions by that lunatic separatist group from Cobra... M.A.D.."

"So gentlemen, does it sound viable?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The twin redhead scientists stepped out of the operating theater and removed their gloves and masks.

"What happened?" a four star general asked. "You said the operation would take over eight hours and it's barely been eight minutes!"

"For a pair of surgeons it would take eight hours, however we underestimated the artifact."

"Meaning?" a suit asked.

"Meaning as soon as we began the operation the artifact took over and began making connections far quicker than we could."

"The operation is complete and he should be awake in a matter of minutes."

"The holographic emitter that was provided has also proved to be unnecessary."

"How do you mean? We can't very well have a grey wandering around regardless of the story we tell," the general barked.

"Meaning the artifact is modelling itself based on his residual self image."

"Meaning he'll look exactly like he should, if slightly more handsome, without the need for a device we were against using because of all the security concerns it would cause."

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: An alternate take on Inspector Gadget and a guest appearance by the Test twins.**


	69. Chapter 69

**Loopy**

It was chaos. The drowned boy water had been stolen, bombs were being tossed like confetti, and fights were breaking out among the guests as well as the wedding crashers.

A flash of light heralded the arrival of another Ranma, this one glowing with power, that seemed barely restrained as lightning crawled over his form unnoticed by him. "Ranma Saotome, I have come for you," he said, his aura of command silencing everyone.

"Who are you?" Ranma asked nervously, his white tuxedo still smoking from a close encounter with a flour bomb.

"You, or rather a potential you," the other Ranma explained. "We are caught in a time loop and after countless repeats we've gained too much power to remain mortal, but by ascending to godhood we'd destroy our world, so I had to come up with a work around for myself and others in my situation."

"A work around?" Ranma asked cautiously.

"Yeah, to save the universe filled with people there needs to be someone looping," he explained.

Ranma instinctively held out his hand for the other to smack.

"Tag, you're it."

Bells rang and trumpets sounded as Ranma watched his other self dissolve into light, blinding everyone.

His mother's guest, Setsuna whimpered and rubbed her temples like she'd just gotten the mother of all migraines.

Then reality blinked.

Or at least that's what it seemed like to Ranma as he found himself standing on a bamboo pole as a panda wearing a Gi jumped out of the water.

"What the?" Ranma said just before the bear kicked him into a pool of water and he felt a familiar shift.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: A restart for the looping Ranma.**


	70. Chapter 70

**Brushy, Brushy, Brushy**

Xander shook his head unable to believe what he was hearing. "So let me get this straight, since I don't kiss your ass I'm out?"

"What? I said nothing of the sort!" Buffy protested.

"No, but that's what it boils down to. I question a lot of your decisions and your conclusions. I never 'salute' and freely admit to anyone who asks that the queen has no clothes. You claim it's all out of concern for me, but we both know better," Xander finished calmly.

"Dammit, you're disrupting their training!"

"You mean their brainwashing, right?"

"It's no such thing!" Giles interrupted. "It's simply the background and history of the slayer line in modern times."

"I've seen it, remember?" Xander said flatly. "And it bears as much resemblance to what happened as Russian propaganda films do to reality."

Giles winced. "The new slayers need someone to look up to, they need a leader to follow."

"They need spells to make them gullible enough to swallow all this crap and you don't call that brainwashing?"

"The only spell they have cast on them is one that allows them to memorize the coursework quicker so they can concentrate on physical training," Willow replied. "It doesn't make them follow or obey anyone."

"I looked up the spell you were using, Willow and I read up on the side effects. It makes it easier to learn by allowing the material to be imprinted directly into the brain bypassing all of a person's mental filters meaning they automatically except it as the truth."

"They can always change their minds and question things," Willow defended herself. "It's easy as pie to make them question the entire course just by asking them to think about it."

"I know, and yet when I set up a sign saying 'There are three sides to every story, my side, their side, and the truth', you had it removed and my telling them to question everything got me called in here as disruptive, so obviously it's brainwashing you want, but I keep screwing that up for you."

"Dammit, Xander! Sure we have to cut a few corners, but that's only because we're pressed for time. The longer we take the more girls die. Does it suck? Yeah, but we don't have a choice!" Buffy yelled.

"Well at least we wouldn't be killing the girls ourselves," Xander said coldly. "Because make no mistake, that is exactly what you're doing. You brainwash these girls into being Buffy clones or rather into what they think Buffy is, which is a standard even Buffy can't match and then you send them out there to die trying to live up to the hype!" Xander shook his head. "You know what? I'm out. My biggest fear these days is that I'll wake up one morning, look in the mirror and find I've become like you three. That's not something I'm willing to live with."

"I don't see your slayers doing all that hot!" Buff called to his retreating back. "How many died last month?"

"Yes, five cases where slayers were misinformed of what they were facing all in a row and only affecting my girls," Xander said. "Turns out the slayer you put in charge of mission assignments was told by you that my girls were unimportant in the grand scheme of things, so she decided that it was unimportant to have any investigation done before sending them on missions, like she would any other slayer."

"I—I didn't mean it that way!" Buffy protested horrified. "I just meant it didn't matter whose girls they were, they are all slayers."

"Drones don't question their queen," was his parting retort.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: Decided it was too grim to use.**


	71. Chapter 71

**Never Tickle A Sleeping Dragon**

Draco Malfoy, the prince of Slytherin, heir to the Malfoy line, and general all around perfect pureblood awoke to the pleasant sensation of a girl fellating him or rather a girl attempting to fellate him as no girl alive could fit his 'massive' python down her gullet without being part python herself.

**TN: snickers**

Why, Draco still laughed about how he'd tricked the centaurs into enslaving themselves by making a bet with their leader on who was better endowed. Silly creatures, thinking a mere animal could beat a pureblood, and a Malfoy at that, in anything. He idly wondered if the females were still worshiping him as their new god of fertility.

The girl under the covers stopped what she was doing making Draco frown. Lifting up the covers he found that she'd choked herself unconscious. He couldn't resist a chuckle as he pried her off him. Ginny Weasley, his best mate Harry's girlfriend, tried this at least twice a week. He'd have to have one of his underlings sneak her back into Gryffindor tower so Harry wouldn't find out.

Rolling out of bed, looking perfect as always, he found Pansy acting like a proper pureblood girl was supposed to. Naked she knelt on the cold hard floor next to her fiance's bed waiting for him to wake up and need 'servicing'. Draco looked down at her and for just a moment she looked like she was ten, pale blond hair covering her shoulders and ice blue eyes pleading for help...

Blinking he shook his head. Pansy was dark haired and quite eager to do whatever he wanted, which he'd found strange for some reason he couldn't recall and she hadn't screamed or struggled, there was no blood or need of healing potions afterwards, so he didn't feel like he was floating, observing his body acting on its' own, as her struggles got weaker and weaker. Draco shook off those thoughts with a will, not quite sure where they came from and helped Pansy to her feet, kicking the pillow, he insisted she use if she was going to kneel there every morning, under his bed. She helped him get dressed before putting on a robe and heading back to her room to get ready herself.

Draco smiled as he saw his reflection, making sure his hair was perfect as always. Turning away he caught a glimpse of terrible burns marring the smooth skin of his neck and left cheek extending up into his bare scalp under a dirty brown fedora. Draco quickly turned back to the mirror but found nothing amiss, his complexion and hair perfect as always, as they should be.

He chuckled figuring it was Harry pulling a prank on him, like when he'd pretended to reject Malfoy when they first met in favor of a mudblood and a Weasley of all things. Man had they laughed over that little prank later. Really as if anyone would reject the favor of a Malfoy.

Draco climbed down the stairs into the Slytherin Common Room, the shadows swinging back and forth as a muggle bulb illuminated the room hanging down over a rusty metal catwalk. Draco spun around in shock, drawing everyone's attention, but the three little girls playing some game that required skipping and singing rhymes dealing with numbers. He laughed at his own jumpiness and headed for the great hall. He knew Harry was saving him a seat, as they talked most mornings so they could decide how the magical world should be run for the coming week.

Ah life was good, Harry had eliminated Voldemort, putting Draco in charge of the Purebloods, while Draco had killed Dumbledore, putting Harry in charge of everyone else. Between the two of them they ensured no more squibs were born...

Draco took a seat at the head table across from Harry, smiling at him and even nodding politely at the twitching and mumbling mudblood next to him. After all it wasn't her fault her parent's had stolen some other poor girl's magic for her. It'd taken hours of torture to make them admit it, but they'd finally caved and told him where the spell was hidden that they'd used to do it. They'd died quickly after that, refusing to say what the code was in the series of books that would allow the purebloods to develop a counter to it, but the Encyclopedia Britannica proved to be a tough nut to crack filled with obvious lies like muggles landing on the moon, where wizards had never even come close to reaching, between truthful articles like ones on corn yield in America.

It'd chilled every death eater to the bone but provided corroborating evidence when they'd found the books in every muggleborn's home.

"Five, six, grab your crucifix," Granger muttered drawing Draco's attention for a moment as he wiped the sweat from his face, wondering why it was so hot in the great hall.

"So, Draco, are you ready?" Harry asked in a raspy voice that sounded like he'd been gargling with rocks.

"Huh?" Draco said, blinking the sweat from his eyes.

"I asked if you were ready?" Harry repeated cheerfully.

"Ready for what?"

"For the bandage to come off," Harry said, pointing to a large bandage covering Draco's exposed brain.

"I suppose so," he admitted.

"Do you want me to yank it off all at once or to work it loose slowly?"

Draco frowned. "Slowly; if you yank, then it may mess up my hair."

"If you say so," Harry agreed reasonably, as he reached up and unravelled a corner of it that had already been coming undone.

Draco looked at his twin sister as the candle sputtered and went out when she touched it, while Draco's had flared brightly in his hand.

"A squib?" Malfoy sr. had sneered.

Harry shook Draco's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just a bit of an upset stomach," Draco responded nervously.

"Better see the nurse then," Harry suggested.

"Yeah, I think I will, thanks," Draco replied climbing to his feet.

"Three, four, better lock your door," Granger sang scratchily by way of goodbye.

Draco nodded. "I'll remember that," he promised.

Taking a shortcut his father had told him about by hissing Slytherin at a wall and stepping through it, he came out, not in an upper hall like he expected but in a dreary place filled with hanging chains and smelling of rust and blood.

Draco blinked and looked around.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: this reads more like a nightmare/delusion drought brewed by the twins and slipped to Draco.**

**AN: A continuation of my Nightmare on Elm Street idea, but man does it go to some dark places. **


	72. Chapter 72

**Frag Naruto**

The Kazekage stared at the small blond kid in his office. "How did you get in here and why are you wearing my hat?"

"I'm a super awesome ninja and because the hat is cool!" Naruto replied.

The Kazekage just stared not having much of a sense of humor and having no idea how to respond.

Naruto removed the hat. "Anyway the old man said the Wind Daimyo was getting senile and sending Leaf jobs that should be handled by Sand."

"And?" he asked dryly.

"Well Sand is considered a friend of Leaf so we can't let this situation go on the way it is while at the same time we can't overtly act against it, but when I heard the Daimyo was going to order you to reduce your forces by forty percent I knew we had to do something."

The kazekage interrupted him, "What!? Please tell me you're joking!"

"Nope, The crazy bastard is going to do it, see Orochimaru has snuck in an adviser to poison the Wind Diamyo against you."

"What does a missing nin from Leaf have against us?"

"Nothing, you're just a tool. He needs you to turn against the Leaf so he's maneuvering you to where you'll have no choice but to go along with it or starve in a few years time," Naruto explained.

"And what do we have to do to avoid this fate?" The Kazekage asked cautiously wondering what the cost would be.

"The land of Wave has no nin and right now, their Daimyo has been assassinated and his family fled to escape the mercenaries hired by the shipping magnate Gato. So if say, I don't know, a bunch of nin showed up in Wave and killed Gato, restoring the Daimyo's family while wearing hitaite with the Wave symbol on them, they could build a hidden village and help restore the country while reaping the benefits of the improved economy."

"You're suggesting we move?" the Kazekage asked in shock while actually considering the possibility.

"No, I'm suggesting that when you are ordered to downsize your forces, the small village in Wave that suddenly pops up could be of economic assistance to Sand and just possibly absorb families with bloodlines fleeing from Hidden Mist."

The Kazekage's eyes lit up at the mention of bloodlines, but darkened at the mention of Hidden Mist. "Hidden Mist's expertise in water jutsu would make facing them in Wave suicide."

Naruto pulled out a scroll and laid it on the desk with a grin.

Opening up the scroll the Kazekage stared at it in growing disbelief. "Who are you?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, container for the Nine Tails," he introduced himself cheerfully.

The Kazekage winced and took a step back, no doubt thinking of his son's power and instability while merely containing the One Tail.

"Relax, I know about Gaara and I'm doing something to help him too. But back to the business at hand; In that scroll are some of the basic exercises the second hokage came up with to attune a nin to water along with a fair amount of water jutsu including ones from hidden mist. That should take care of the advantage Hidden Mist had and then some."

"Having a number of handpicked nin 'die' on missions would allow me to sneak a cadre of highly trained nin to Wave with no one being the wiser, but how do we hide the fact that nearly half my nin have become Wave nin afterwards?"

"Why hide it? Rather than be forced to deal with a civil war by trying to seal half your nin, since the Daimyo commanded it, you were forced to simply let them go, releasing them from their bonds to Wind. Hearing about a new village in Wave they decided to join up so they'd have a home again. It even explains the strong bonds between Wave and Sand, since the released nin were grateful you didn't try and seal them and still have family here."

"Makes us look a bit...soft."

"The Leaf are known for being soft." Naruto grinned evilly, "But that's also what makes civilians think of us first for contracts and bloodlines looking for a home. Being nice but firm can have tremendous rewards."

"I'll do it!" the Kazekage declared seeing the many possibilities. "But what do you want out of this?"

"Couple of minor things." Naruto grinned. "One, remember Leaf and Snow are to be treated as brothers."

"Snow?"

"I have to restore the Princess and kill the moron in charge first, but that'll be in the future. Two send anyone with the ice bloodline to Snow once I've got it settled, I've got an interest in preserving that bloodline. Three, there is a bridge builder in wave called Tazuna, if his bridge is completed with Wave nin help for a small percentage of the tariff, you'll speed up the economic recovery of the country exponentially and have the good will of the civilian population."

"Anything else?"

"Nope, with a strong Leaf and Sand we can insure the prosperity of our people for generations to come."

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: Looping Naruto getting the jump on some problems near home.**


	73. Chapter 73

**A Change of Venue**

**"Pick an item of power, a universe, and a vehicle,"** the voice of the author said.

The fanfic author's avatar froze realizing he'd just become a character in one of his own stories. "Times like this make me wish I wrote porn," he muttered. "What's with the three things?"

**"An item of power, so you don't get killed right away, a destination, so I know where to send you, and finally a vehicle, so you aren't forced to walk everywhere,"** the voice replied.

"A genie lamp, specifically the one with Barbra Edna playing the genie-" he started.

**"No wishes or wish granting devices,"** the voice interrupted.

"How about a green lantern ring?" he asked hopefully.

**"Which one?"**

"The Sentinal's?"

**"No chance,"** the voice of the author said flatly.

"How about an Andalite cube from Animorphs?"

**"Agreed. Go on."**

"Destination... DC and not a gritty one, either. A plain-jane DC with the Justice League, not their evil counterparts."

**"Hmmm, I believe I can work with that."**

"Joy. And for transportation... the Blood of Amber."

**"Nope, try again."**

"A T.A.R.D.I.S."

**"Negative, not going to happen,"** the author said, amused.

"Fine, can I have a space ship?" he asked hopefully.

**"A spaceship is a lot more reasonable than a time and space ship."**

"Exterior design look of a Tardis, meaning blue phone booth that's bigger on the inside than the outside, but with only space travel capabilities," he haggled.

**"Sounds reasonable. Go on."**

"Inside, the Death Star."

**"Are you out of your mind?!"**

"No giant, planet destroying laser, or anything like that," he argued. "It just gives me room to store all my crap."

**"That's extreme, but as long as you have no exterior weapons at all... I suppose I can approve it."**

"And a notice-me-not charm to prevent accidents."

**"Granted! Ready?"**

"If I say no, are you going to give me more time to prepare?"

**"No,"** the author replied with a chuckle.

"Then I'm ready, willing, and able!" he called out with a forced smile.

**Story starts... Now!**

John blinked and looked around, finding himself in the captain's chair of a bridge that looked like a cross between Star Trek and Star Wars, probably because the Star Trek design had a view screen while Star Wars had windows like spacecraft were nothing more than faster cars. Polished black floors with bright white walls and polished chrome everywhere were the Empire's standard look, and gave a much more military feel than Star Trek's decor where everything was chosen to make people feel at ease.

Storm Troopers and droids went about their jobs as John watched, grinning. The amount of droids and clones needed to run the Death Star meant he had a lot of personnel to throw at any problems he ran into.

Finally, he turned his attention to the Andalite cube in his lap. It was about the size of a shoebox and the surface was covered in microscopic circuitry. Placing a palm on top of it, he willed it to work, causing it to glow blue for a moment as it granted him the ability it had granted a group of children that allowed them to fight off an invasion of alien body snatchers.

"Three minutes out from Earth orbit," a protocol droid announced. "Orders, Sir?"

"Tap into the satellite system surrounding the planet and locate the coordinates for the group labeled 'The Teen Titans'."

"In progress."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What now?" Beast Boy groaned as red lights started flashing, distracting him from his video game.

"On screen," Cyborg ordered and Beast Boy's game was replaced by the sight of a blue, British police box plunging through the atmosphere.

"You've got to be joking," Raven said.

"Trajectory puts it at... our front yard," Cyborg said.

Everyone just stared.

"What is so disheartening about the blue box?" Starfire asked as everyone stared silently.

"It's not disheartening, Star. It's just..." Robin trailed off.

"Impossible," Raven said. "The blue police box is from a TV show."

"TV show?" Star asked thoughtfully. "Are we sure it is not Control Freak with his remote?"

That seemed to break everyone out of their stunned state.

"It very well could be," Robin admitted. "Everyone suit up and prepare for the worst."

"Titans go!" Beast Boy shouted, leaping over the sofa and changing into a green cheetah as he sped out of the room.

"ETA?" Robin asked.

"At current speed... about half an hour," Cyborg said.

"Oh," Robin said as everyone sat back down and waited for Beast Boy to return.

**1/2 an hour later...**

"I can't believe you guys left me hangin' like that," Beast Boy pouted.

"We expected you to return," Raven replied.

"Here it comes," Cyborg announced as the blue box slowed and landed without a bump on the front lawn of Titan Tower.

The door opened and out stepped a man who was about six foot one, with dark hair and eyes, and broad shoulders. He was dressed in dark clothing that looked like it was designed for the military and had a metal cube under his arm. "Hello. My name is John. Is Cyborg available?"

"Yeah, I'm here," Cyborg said, stepping forward.

"I'm told you are a tech genius and wish to be fully organic, yes?" John asked.

"Yeah," Cyborg agreed cautiously.

"Excellent," John said. "I'm in need of a tech genius and am in possession of an Andalite cube, which can restore you to factory specs human if you like."

"Andalite cube?" Robin asked.

"Yes, I've already used it on myself, so allow me to demonstrate." John turned to the green skinned teen. "Beast Boy, I need to scan you and then I need someone to injure me, preferably a simple cut on my arm."

"Why do you need to scan me?" Beast Boy asked.

"Because I'm going to turn myself into your clone and then turn back into me, removing all injuries as I'm rebuilt from my DNA up."

"Why me?"

"You're distinctive, so the change will be easy to see."

"You're serious," Cyborg said in shock.

"Completely," John said, holding out a hand to Beast Boy.

Beast Boy took his hand just as Raven yelled out, "Stop!"

John released Beast Boy's hand and waited.

"You're excited by the thought of turning into Beast Boy," she accused.

"I've never been anyone else," John replied. "It should be a blast to see the world through his eyes. Does he see the same colors as me? Does he feel sunlight on his skin the way I do?"

"So you've never done this before?" Robin asked.

"Nope, just got the cube. This is my first chance to try it out and see what it's like."

"So this is untested?" Robin asked.

John snorted. "Untested by me personally, tested and used by countless others elsewhere. Don't mistake me riding a bike for the first time, with me inventing the bike."

"Oh."

John extended his hand and Beast Boy did the same. After a second, Beast Boy yawned and a second later John released his hand. "Ready?"

"Yeah, show me what you got," Beast Boy said.

John grinned and transformed into a duplicate of Beast Boy, his uniform hanging loosely on his smaller frame.

"Cool!" the green teen said while John looked around and even took deep breaths just to smell the air.

"I can wiggle my ears!" John enthused, wiggling his pointed green ears.

"My ears, you mean," Beast Boy corrected.

"I think all your senses are slightly better than a normal human's."

"Really?"

"Definitely. Maybe shifting heals you so your senses don't become dull with age like most people," John guessed.

"I think Doc mentioned something about that once," Beast Boy said.

"Now what?" Cyborg asked anxiously.

"Oh yeah. I need someone to cut my arm so I can demonstrate how shifting heals it," John said nervously.

"We'll take your word for it," Cyborg said. "Let's skip to healing me."

"Ok. Normally you put your hand on the cube, but yours aren't organic. So place your forehead against it and think 'on'," John said, holding up the cube.

"Think on?" Cyborg asked while doing so. A blue glow was emitted from the cube for a moment.

"Why Beast Boy?" Robin asked.

"'Cause Beast Boy's cool," John said.

"That's not the whole truth," Raven said.

"There's a whole bunch of reasons, but they can be boiled down to: Beast Boy's cool," John said, rolling his eyes.

Raven nodded and Beast Boy placed a hand on Cyborg's forehead and yawned.

"Dude, what's with the yawning?" he asked.

"Copying DNA soothes the donor. It's a safety feature," John replied.

"Now what?" Cyborg asked anxiously.

"Now, picture yourself as Beast Boy and will yourself to become him," John said.

Cyborg's form slowly melted into Beast Boy's, metallic parts and limbs being pushed aside by new growth causing Cyborg to stumble and go down in a tangle of limbs, real and artificial. The new Beast Boy attempted to rise with some difficulty. "Whoa!"

"What's wrong?" Starfire demanded, concerned.

"He's overwhelmed," Raven said, quickly helping him stand. "Going from his old form to this one has seriously affected his emotional stability."

"That's because half his brain was silicone before," John said. "It's now one hundred percent organic and Beast Boy has stronger emotions than most people anyway."

"I do?" Beast Boy asked.

"Definitely."

"I can feel the air on my skin!" Cyborg said excitedly, wrapping his arms around Raven and crying happily, only wearing a shirt as everything else had fallen off.

"I can feel something too," Raven muttered, blushing.

"How long's he going to be like this?" Robin asked.

"Happy?" John shrugged. "Damned if I know."

Star joined the hug, smooshing her two friends with her great Tamaranian strength.

Cyborg shifted into a boa constrictor, causing the girls to scream and jump back in surprise.

"He has Beast Boy's powers as well?" Raven asked, surprised.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**

**AN: Wrote two sections of this before realizing I had no plot.**


	74. Chapter 74

**Shiny Titanium Hearts**

Kendra spun around as she sensed a demonic presence behind her. She lashed out with her stake only to have it shatter against a metallic grey breastplate, leaving not a scratch.

"What are you?" she demanded as she quickly backed away, hands reaching for her backup stake while wishing she'd brought some heavier weapons.

The large metal figure towered over the dark skinned slayer and she would have thought him a golem if not for the fact that the lower half of his face was visible.

"You may call me A.J.," he replied, the metallic rasp of his voice giving her goosebumps. "Your manner of dress and actions mark you as a vampire hunter. Please identify yourself."

"I am Kendra, de vampire slayer," Kendra said getting into a fighting stance.

"The current vampire slayer was still active as of one hour and forty-seven minutes ago when her watcher assigned us our patrol routes for the night," A.J. replied. "However voice stress analysis suggests you are being truthful. You will come with me to see the watcher in order to clarify the matter."

"What is his name?" she demanded.

"You are not cleared for that information," A.J. replied.

"You could be bluffing then, to get me to lower my guard," she said. "Besides you feel like a demon."

"Immaterial, you are coming with me." A.J. said flatly. "Logic would suggest you co-operate, so you would be able to retain your weapons while obtaining more information."

Kendra considered that. "I know where I am suppose to contact the local watcher if needed. If you are telling the truth they should be in the same place. You will walk ahead of me."

"Acceptable," A.J. allowed, immediately turning and striding off. "We will be deviating from the shortest route to stop by Donald's Donuts."

"Why is dat?" Kendra asked, caution audible in her tense voice as she stayed directly behind him, alert for any treachery or ambush.

"Because I am to retrieve supplies for the watcher on my return from patrol," A.J. replied.

"We are being followed," Kendra observed as they reached the main street.

"Yes," A.J. agreed unsurprised. "She follows me on my rounds. She... worries about me," he said his voice sounding, softer, almost human for a moment.

Kendra didn't reply, instead taking the time to get a clear look at who was following them. Surprisingly it was a young girl with dark hair who was tailing them and she got the impression that the only reason she'd noticed her was because the girl had allowed it.

"I am here for Mr. Giles' Order," Xander announced as they entered the Donut Shop.

"A.J." The young man behind the counter called out cheerfully. "Let me grab your order." He handed a pink box to the cyborg. "It's good to see you out and about, stop by anytime." He passed him a small coffee as well. "No additions, freshly ground. Enjoy."

"Thank you," A.J. said with a nod and the barest hint of a smile at the cup in his hand.

"The people in there were happy to see you," Kendra noted once they'd left.

"I am a regular," A.J. replied.

Kendra waited, but he didn't say anything more as he lead her to the Sunnydale High School Library.

"Ohh, Xander, I see you brought donuts, and who is this?" Giles asked retrieving the box of donuts he set it on the table next to Willow.

"Greetings Watcher Giles, I be Kendra de Vampire Slayer," she said finally and everyone could hear how the words Vampire Slayer were capitalized. "My Watcher, Sam Zabuto, sent me here to investigate dark portents."

"Buffy's only been gone for an hour!" Willow exclaimed wide eyed.

"But I was called nearly two months ago," Kendra said in shock.

"That would coincide with Buffy's death at the hands of the Master," Giles said.

"But you said you'd just seen her," Kendra pointed out confused.

"The Tinman gave her CPR," the girl who'd been following them said, nearly giving Kendra a heart attack as she'd never even noticed her entering the room. Kendra examined the girl, who couldn't have been more than thirteen, dressed in army surplus BDU's and carrying a number of modern weapons. The muscle definition on her made Kendra feel a bit inadequate.

"Let me verify your references, I'll be right back," Giles said before disappearing into his office.

"Who are you?" Kendra asked the girl.

"Dawn Summers," she introduced herself making no move to offer her hand or even get within arm's reach of the slayer.

"And what are you?" Kendra asked.

"Human," Willow spoke up. "Just extremely driven."

Dawn turned and flung something at A.J.'s head, causing Kendra to draw a stake, but he simply plucked it from the air, revealing it to be a jar of baby food.

"No human's dat fast," Kendra said.

"Cyborg," Willow said.

"I meant her," Kendra said.

"Training," was all Dawn said, letting the silence stretch on.

Giles came out while Kendra tried to keep an eye on everyone and Xander ate his dinner. "According to the council she was called when Buffy died, even though it was only for a minute. Somehow the news on that never reached me."

"What are they?" Kendra asked.

"Pardon?" Giles asked. "Oh you mean Xander? A chaos based rite turned him into a cyborg from a movie."

"Then why does he feel like a demon?" she asked.

"My fault I'm afraid," Giles admitted. "The demon referred to as the sleepwalker came after me and mistook him for a zombie. Naturally it tried to possess him when he destroyed the body it was in, so he's been stuck hosting it."

"He's possessed?" Kendra asked incredulously.

"No, it requires a sleeping mind to gain control and Xander lacks the portion of the brain required for that. Xander possesses the sleepwalker rather than the other way around," he explained.

"And her?" Kendra asked.

"Buffy's younger sister gained the memories of Sarah Connor, a woman of some skill," Giles said, leaving it at that.

"I have finished eating, I will return to patrol now," A.J. said, dropping the empty jar in the trash and marching off. Dawn waited a scant three seconds before ghosting after him.

"You are sure she is human?" Kendra asked.

"Completely," Giles assured her, "But that just makes her more dangerous. She has training and determination far beyond her years and her ability to focus is actually quite frightening at times."

"Don't insult Xander around her or treat him as less than a person," Willow warned her. "She doesn't like that."

"She called him Tinman and threw a jar at him," Kendra pointed out.

"Sarah Connor was the ultimate human survivor, fighting a machine intelligence that sent cyborg assassins back in time to kill her and her unborn son. Dawn Summers however is a thirteen year old girl who cared greatly for Xander who was turned into a nearly emotionless cyborg designed to protect humanity," Giles said pushing his glasses up as he offered the explanation.

"You have a slayer who has died once, a girl with the memories and skills of one far beyond her years, and a boy turned into a machine imprisoning a name rank demon," Kendra noted. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"Buffy is dating Angel who works with us," Willow offered.

"And I suppose he's an actual angel?" Kendra snorted allowing the sarcasm to drip from her voice.

"Victim of a vampire, who's soul was put in charge of his possessed corpse by a gypsy curse to torture the vampire," Giles explained.

"At least one of you is normal," she deadpanned.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: YES! ROBOCOP Xander!**

**AN: Told you guys I was working on it. Can't think of many other Cyborgs to use… maybe Steve Austin?**


	75. Chapter 75

**Renfield Obeys 6**

"Hey Buff, need something?" Xander asked as Buffy entered the training room where he was doing stretches with Willow and Tara.

"Renfield, obey," Buffy replied, feeling a bit exposed doing this in front of Willow and Tara, as it was a very private thing to her, where she and Xander opened themselves up to one another.

Xander jumped to his feet and assumed parade rest, focusing his full attention on Buffy. "How may I service you, Master?"

Buffy froze and her eyes lost focus for a moment before she started blushing bright red. Tara muffled her giggles behind her hands, while Willow toppled over, laughing so hard she snorted.

Buffy cleared her throat and asked, "How many people, outside of us here, have used the hypnotic thingie on you?"

"Two, Master," Xander replied.

"Two?!" the girls exclaimed in shock.

"Yes, Master," Xander replied. "The Master who implanted the hypnotic commands and Dawn Summers."

"Please tell me you didn't knock up my little sister," Buffy whimpered, ready to blame herself for the whole mess.

"I didn't knock up your little sister," Xander replied.

"Did you say that because you didn't knock her up or because I asked you to say that?" Buffy asked.

"Both, Master," Xander replied.

"Even with the pill and condoms, it could still happen," Willow said figuring the odds in her head.

Xander remained silent waiting patiently for an order.

"How do you know you didn't knock her up?" Buffy asked.

"Because we did not have sex, Master," Xander replied.

Buffy stared at him, stunned. "Ok," she said after a minute, "even if you are pulling a Clinton, I'm going to go with happy on this one."

"Pulling a Clinton?" Tara asked.

"Oral sex isn't sex," Willow explained blushing.

"Bingo," Buffy agreed. "Cause if I was single, fourteen, and had complete control over Xander..." her voice trailed off at the smirk on Willow's face.

"And how is now any different?" Tara asked curiously.

"Because she just became single and hadn't realized it yet," Willow replied.

"My point still stands," Buffy said, trying not to think about what she could be doing with Xander. "I expected Dawn to be ordering him to do a whole lot more than just go down on her."

"Xander?" Tara asked.

"Yes, Love?" he replied with a soft smile causing her to hug him, forgetting what she was going to say.

"I don't get responses like that," Buffy said, a little hurt.

"You are always, Master-in-command," Willow explained. "This is simply no-holds-barred Xander in trance."

"Oh," Buffy said in understanding. "He may feel like that towards 'Master,' but the commands make him act a lot more formally."

"It took us a while to figure that out," Willow admitted.

"What were you going to ask?" Buffy asked Tara.

"Xander, how are things with Dawn?" Tara asked.

"She insists on tongue, but that and cuddling on the couch seem to satisfy her," Xander said stroking Tara's back.

"No problems with her ordering you to make her a woman?" Tara asked, rubbing her cheek against his chest.

"What she thinks she wants, what she actually wants, and what she needs are three different things," Xander replied as the two sank down to the floor and laid next to one another. "Satisfy the Need and the Want becomes a lot more reasonable."

As the two started making out, a red faced Buffy turned to Willow. "We need some way to prevent people from controlling Xander."

"Ordering him to ignore the trigger won't work," Willow said. "As long as he thinks it'll help us, he'll ignore any commands to the contrary."

"How about limiting the people who can trigger him?" Buffy asked.

"That'll work," Willow agreed. "Order him to ignore any attempts to activate the trigger by people he doesn't love."

"Why don't you do it?" Buffy asked.

"I don't want to be Master-in-command right now," Willow said as Xander's shirt hit the floor between them.

Buffy turned so she was facing the wall. "Xander, ignore the trigger commands from people you don't love."

"Yes, Master," came the muffled reply. Seeing Willow's smile and half lidded eyes as she watched the pair, Buffy quickly retreated, while half formed plans for Willow triggering Xander for her danced in her head.

Willow barely noticed as she joined the two for their 'workout.'

**Later...**

The three Scoobies laid in a sweaty pile, clothing scattered around the room.

Tara knew she shouldn't, but both her conscience and her insecurities poked at her. It wasn't fair for Xander not to remember when they were together like this and she had to know, did he really love her? "End trance," Tara said.

Xander slowly leaned over and kissed her.

"You don't love me," she said looking down sadly.

"I'm pretty sure I do," Xander told her, kissing her again with a bit less hesitation.

"But I ordered you to end the trance," Tara said. "Which would only trigger if you loved me."

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "And I'm out of the trance." He pulled her into a hug.

"Shouldn't you be freaking out then?" Tara asked, beginning to hope she hadn't just made a huge mistake.

Willow giggled.

"You faked the trance?!" Tara guessed in shock.

"Just the forgetting part," Willow offered.

"Buffy needs the added security of me forgetting, so she doesn't have to worry about losing me as a friend," Xander explained. "This isn't the first time we've played amnesia games."

"It's how I recognized it and you also needed that little bit of safety," Willow told her. "Otherwise I would have told you."

"So, the trance is fake?" Tara asked again, feeling really exposed but also as if a large weight was off her shoulders.

"Real trance, but it won't allow me to do the impossible," Xander replied. "I am completely unable to forget a second I spend with someone I love."

"You are so sappy," Willow said leaning over Tara to kiss him.

"What does the trance do then?" Tara asked.

"Let's me focus a lot more and removes a lot of worries," Xander explained.

"It's a crutch," Willow said. "Just like I said before, it lets us ignore all our insecurities and is great for roleplay."

"So how are things with Dawn?" Tara asked, deciding just to be happy with how things had turned out.

"She just wants some comfort and affection," Xander replied. "It's not even really about sex. She wants to know she is attractive and loved."

"I would have felt much more attractive and loved as a freshman If I could have had you on your knees a couple of times a day," Willow agreed, making them laugh.

"The oral is strictly kissing," Xander said. "You girls just have dirty minds. The trance has its limits, one of which is not doing anything suicidal, which sexing up the little sister of a slayer would count as."

"Buffy said oral was Ok," Willow reminded him.

"Then Dawn has a lot more wiggle room in the future," Xander said unconcerned, "But for now what she needs is love and affection not lust and orgasms."

"I've got an idea," Tara said thoughtfully.

"But where would we get a nun's habit and a gallon of chocolate syrup at this time of night?" Xander joked.

"Especially one in your size," Willow agreed.

The three paused and gained matching grins as they chorused, "Willy's!"

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: Hah! I said it first back on RO#1.**

**TN: for you sickos out there... Imagine if Xander had a hypnotic trigger back when Joyce wasn't sick and she 'accidentally' triggered it.**

**AN: Imagine? That's an Omake!**

**Omake (by Stephenopolos):** Joyce stared at Xander as he stood at attention before her, wondering just why he'd done that, when they'd been discussing an old Bela Lugosi movie and its similarities to something he'd recently gone through.

"Xander?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes, Master?" he replied.

"Are you OK?" she asked.

"Yes, Master, though things could be better," he replied.

"How could they be better?" she asked, curious now.

"I love Tara, Willow, and your daughters, not to mention my affection for yourself, Master," Xander spoke calmly before being interrupted.

Joyce was curious about Xander's comment. "Explain your feelings towards me Xander?" she asked.

"You're everything I could ever want in a mother, Master, but I also feel a desire to have you as more than that," Xander replied.

Joyce was even more curious now, but held off to ask him something else, "Xander, why are you calling me Master?"

"The Master implanted a hypnotic suggestion to enter this trance when the command phrase 'Renfield Obey' was spoken, Master," Xander replied.

Joyce looked horrified for a moment before apologizing, "I'm so sorry Xander, how do I let you leave the trance?"

"No apology is needed, Master, as the trance is quite freeing. While inside the trance I can answer you truthfully without feeling embarrassed, no fear or worry to hold me back or restrain my thoughts and feelings," Xander replied. "Simply say 'End Trance', Master to let me return to normal."

Joyce nodded to herself before asking, "How has the trance been used on you?"

"So far only Buffy has triggered the trance and has only used it as a way to talk openly about both of our concerns, Master," Xander replied.

Joyce looked at him closely for a moment before speaking, "Promise me Xander, that you won't let my daughter, or anyone else for that matter, order you to do anything that you don't agree with."

"As you command, Master," Xander said tonelessly.

"Now when I end the trance we will go on as if the trance was not triggered to begin with. Xander, End Trance," Joyce said smiling to herself at the thought of Xander desiring her as a woman.

Xander relaxed.

"Xander, do you desire me?" Joyce asked grinning as she reached over at put a hand on his thigh.

Xander stammered and blushed.


End file.
